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This Week:
* SICK JOKE BOOK - Download it for free. THANKS!
* QUIZ - Pop-stars' first names. Can you guess?
* COKE - Joel scores BILLIONS from legals

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're licking our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      elbows... mhmmhmhm"

B3ta email 262 - 26 Jan 2007

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  How to make a 'Voodoo Love Doll'

  "Love is a complex thing. You meet a person,
  instantly fall head over heels, but they won’t
  give you a second glance. Don’t worry because
  help is at hand. Check out our guide to
  building your own voodoo love doll and you’ll
  soon be beating them off with a stick!"

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want our love? Then let your fingers do the
  text spunk.


  Lots and lots of magic links for you

  >> Read the Sick Joke Book for FREE! <<
  Last year we embarked on our most ambitious
  project yet, could we get the internet to
  write us a book and then flog it in the shops?
  We're very happy that all our webby dreams
  came true and lots of you bought it. Now we're
  taking on the riskiest part of our "thought it
  up drunk" marketing strategy: we're giving the
  entire book away, completely free, as a PDF
  download. Our theory being that the more
  people who read it online, then the more
  people might buy it as a birthday present for
  a friend. Will our Amazon sales rank drop to
  zero? God knows, but you only live once, and
  it's more interesting to take a few risks.

  >> Mick + Keith = Which band? Quiz <<
  Monkeon, Monkeon, Monkeon, so good we name him
  thrice, has been working on cute little quiz
  to test your knowledge of pop-stars' first
  names. He demurely enquires, "suggestions for a
  more catchy title are welcome." Our thought?
  Christian (names) Rock Quiz.

  >> Weebl vs Mangos <<
  "Mangos! Mangos! Mangos!" orgasms Jonti, "I'm
  just very happy with it." Indeed. And for the
  animation nerds amongst our audience, Jonti
  has produced these particular mangos in 3D.
  Yep, 3 fucking D. Woo hoo!

  >> Oh fuck, the return of Barry Scott <<
  Maybe you think the Cillit Bang joke is tired,
  and to continue it would be to chip away at
  the very love that you give that keeps this
  newsletter alive. You sir, you sir is wrong.
  Natt shouts, "We wondered what it might be
  like to live with Barry Scott. So we made
  this. Hope you enjoy it." Warning: This is an
  audio file. That's right, it's like radio
  comedy. No pictures, or any of that fancy
  Youtubery. We're kicking it Radio 4 stylee.
  Amusing enough for a couple of mins tho.

  >> Joel vs. Coke WIN WIN WIN <<
  Before Xmas we broke the story that Coke had
  ripped off one of Joel's tunes and animations
  for an advert. This subsequently became a
  massive PR disaster for Coke, the story was
  reported on BBC, Sky and in every paper going.
  And if you haven't been reading the news this
  week (most emailed story on BBC news), then
  you'll need to know that Coke paid up, and all
  is spunky-dory. We wanted to give you
  exclusive news, like exactly how much the band
  was paid, but under the terms of the agreement,
  Joel is not allowed to disclose the figure,
  which is a shame, as it's the bit that everyone
  wants to know. Anyway, to see how big the
  whole story got stick 'rathergood' into
  Google News.


  Your gushing tributes to cocks keep on coming
  >> Frozen phallus <<
  "We built a 6ft snow cock in The Alps last
  week," boasts Firestar_3x, "It needs some
  recognition, can you help?" Sure can. We'll
  also refrain from making "brass monkeys" and
  "snowballs" jokes. 

  >> Giant Cocks in Google Earth <<
  Chanticleer spluffs, "When I was a young'un, I
  used to go on bike rides around a big country
  house with a huge lake. Kicking around Google
  Earth, I thought I'd have a go at guessing how
  far away from the lake my house was. But then
  I found the lake, and that question became a
  bit irrelevant. Now, cocks drawn on schools
  with chalk and mown into hay are one thing;
  the local Lord of the Manor is obviously
  richer than any of us and created a huge pond
  in the shape of a knob." Yay for mad toffs,
  and we hope one day we're wealthy enough
  to behave in a similarly cockcentric way.


  The weird kid in class

  Every class had one, and we wanted to know all
  about them:

 * "Paul had a thing about naked people: they
   made him freak out. So life drawing classes
   were a nightmare for him and he managed to
   avoid every single one for the three years
   we had them. Eventually the teach got sick
   of his excuses and said "Paul, whatever you
   say or do today, I will not let you leave.
   You are staying for the whole class, I don't
   care if the principal has a meeting with you
   or you have to go to sickbay. Nothing will
   make me let you leave". So Paul begged,
   pleaded, lied. nothing worked. He even dropped
   an easel on his foot. To no avail. The model
   waddles in and disrobes and we all get
   scribbling. It was then a strange thing
   happened... Paul seemed to be into it. He
   was feverishly working on his drawing and
   didn't seem too upset by the whole experience.
   As the class went on, he even started to look
   pleased as he stepped back from his work to
   admire it. The teacher starts to look incredibly
   smug, until that is the end of the class comes
   and we all rotate our easels to admire each
   others work. Paul, with some encouragement,
   reveals his masterpiece. A perfectly rendered
   drawing of the Sydney Harbour Bridge."

 * "One, Two and Three were, I kid you not, the
   names of three kids at my old school. Their
   Child Psychologist parents believed that they
   should not give their children names and that
   they should be able to choose them themselves.
   Of course they forbade the children from naming
   themselves until they were 16 and were of an
   age to have decided on a good and sensible name
   for themselves. So far only One has a proper
   name, Two and Three are still, Two and Three.
   (I believe they are fairly normal apart from
   the shit that they had to put up with in school)"
   (polly DOES NOT want a fucking cracker)

 * "Doesn't need much explaining: I went to
   school with a lad who shagged a horse"

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your first experience of porn.
  Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> If you open one link this week, THIS ONE <<
  "While merrily trawling through an anonymous
  FTP server I came across this," lies Jimvin,
  "If only he hadn't named the directory
  'secretphotos' my curiosity would not have
  been piqued. It's only just that this guy's
  creepy secret page be disseminated amongst all
  the other B3tards reading the newsletter." 

  >> Drugs are good mmmkay? <<
  B3ta HQ has always been a great believer in
  marijuana as a way of getting ideas. We don't
  mean being a useless stoner, but an occasional
  smoke does really get the brain thinking
  differently, and so we salute Dr Susan
  Blackmore (best known for her work on
  meme-theory) and her brave confession "I take
  illegal drugs for inspiration." 

  >> Blue Peter Annuals <<
  International readers won't feel the same
  nostalgic tug that UK people of a certain age
  will experience on seeing this complete
  collection of Blue Peter Annuals from the 60s
  up to the present day. Fascinating stuff, see
  the presenters change from parental figure, to
  mad uncle, to hip older sibling and most
  recently, stage school kids who might as well
  be in S Club 7. Ad agencies! Buy this lot on
  eBay and make a great mural for your reception.

  >> Photo sprint <<
  Unusual idea for a collection of images here,
  the photographer sets his camera on a two
  second delay and then runs like fuck away from
  the lens.

  >> Who's that lady? Texty lady?  <<
  Scoring all the hotness for the typographical
  perverts this week is this collection of nudes
  made entirely from the shapes found in
  ordinary letters. Word.

  >> Your new homepage <<
  "Did you know that YOUR HomePage is the page
  that opens every time you open your browser?"
  enquires this banally obvious page for web
  newbies, "And did you know that you could
  change what is on it?" Yep, here is the
  fantastic opportunity to make your browser open
  to a photo of Jesus. It's what God wants you
  to do (other than killing prostitutes.)


  This week's challenging wank material...

  >> Bass + corn flour = rippling vag <<
  "This vid is an extension of a science
  experiment you may have done at school,"
  lectures h0ly_j0e, "where a liquid becomes
  solid under pressure. Here it is being
  affected by the sound waves from a sub-woofer.
  However, the most exciting thing for me is
  that the effect produced somehow reminds me of
  my wife's cunt."

  >> Windows rap <<
  "At first this is just a boring if silly
  promotional video for Windows 386," bleeps
  Notadaffodil, "but after 7 minutes it gets a
  little freaky to say the least." Ha, this is
  one in the eye for the Macolytes, was your
  advertising ever this cool?

  >> USB humping dog <<
  "This item just screams B3ta," accuses
  Floppysheep. Hmm, are we that easily
  pigeon-holed? But he's right you know, we have
  sudden and uncontrollable techno-lust for this
  port-powered poking pooch.

  >> Ball crushing <<
  Ladies, you'll never know the pain of having
  your testicles slammed between a table and
  book. And you complain that child-birth is
  tough? You, dear, breast-laden ladies, you
  don't know you are born. BTW: This is
  apparently a deleted scene from the Jackass
  movie. Can't say we really want to see the
  rest of it.

  >> Adam Buxton revoices TV <<
  Enjoyed this clip of Richard & Judy gameshow
  segment where UK comedian Adam Buxton dubs the
  audio to pretend to be a stoned caller.
  Although part of our enjoyment largely comes
  from the thought of the once potentially
  ubiquitous new-face-of-Channel4 Adam having
  simply nothing better to do than watch daytime
  TV. Anyway, to give the final word to the
  bloke who sent it in, 'Concurrency', "I love
  this, it warms up nicely but is never
  overplayed :)" Nice use of smiley there,
  always enjoy that. 


  Damn you B3ta readers, damn you to hell
   >> Cat lady <<
  "Talking of nominative determinism," Gavbad
  mews, "Until recently, there was a vet at the
  Ashleigh Veterinary Surgery on Upper Chorlton
  Road, Manchester, called Kitty Healey. And
  indeed she did. She's left now but you can
  still see her mentioned on this shockwave
  website. Click on 'about us', then 'staff'"
  Wow. We wonder if she lived with comments that
  she should "become a vet" from childhood and
  it sparked an interest? 

  >> Therapist = The Rapist gag <<
  "I can't remember if you've done a piece about
  URLs that can be misconstrued recently."
  ponders Lemmiwinks, "Anyhoo this is a prime
  example." Hmm, we're pretty sure we've done
  the same joke before, but after writing 262
  newsletters the brain does turn to mush
  some-what. Lemmiwinks also apologises for
  "wasting 14 seconds of your life," which is
  kind of him.


  War on Terror
  You might remember in December, B3ta ran a
  competition to win a board game called War on

  What with Christmas and an unexpected break
  out of warts in the office, we've been a
  little late in following this up.

  Anyway, we asked you to complete the
  tie-breaker, "George Bush is..." and the
  winning replies were:

  * "George W. Bush is a seriously
  misoverestimated president" (daniel.c.johnson)

  * "George Bush is Al-Qaeda employee of the
  month" condensed.tomato.soup)

  * "George W. Bush is a president,
     He comes from Florida where he’s resident.
     He used a rigged vote,
     Tony Blair licks his scrote,
     We hold these truths to be self evident."

  BTW: Out of over 150 entries there wasn't one
  which was pro-Bush. We reckon if we'd run this
  compo a year ago, things would have been very
  different. Those newspaper reports saying Bush
  has the lowest public approval in his career
  are true.


  Results from the France/UK Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know what life would be
  like had France and Britain merged in the

  Your favourites included:
  * FISH - cross-channel linguistic genius from
  a true b3ta legend (Monkeon)

  * RODIN - Mix British toilet humour with
  French artistic flair, and the results are
  obvious (hYpe,)

  * DISTRICT LINE - the much-vaunted expansion
  of London's tube system finally makes a real
  difference south of the river (Bad Horsey)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Film Sex For Prudes <<
  In the olden days, film-makers couldn't show
  sex, so they'd refer to it by showing trains
  entering tunnels, waves crashing on beaches
  etc. But what if these restrictions were still
  in place? Design some modern visual euphemisms
  for sex, but keep it 'innocent'. Animation


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BEATEN BY AD AGENCY - We always try our
  damnedest to keep advertising separate from our
  editorial, so sponsorship is always clearly
  labelled. So imagine our numb-shock when some
  bloke from The Viral Factory phoned us up last
  Friday afternoon and said, "You know that
  video you ran from WordBomb, with the flicky
  mobile phone? Well, that's our latest client
  work for Samsung." Oops, we've been well and
  truly got, and hats off to their team for
  producing a bit of work we liked so much we
  ran it as content. Watch it again, and this
  time they've lobbed us a back-hander to keep
  us sweet.

  * MORE RUDE OZZY POLITICOS - Pleiades bleats,
  "You simply cannot go past this famous
  incident, 'Sir Winton Turnbull, a member of
  the cavalleria rusticana, was raving and
  ranting on the adjournment and shouted: "I am
  a Country member". I interjected "I remember".
  He could not understand why, for the first
  time in all the years he had been speaking in
  the House, there was instant and loud applause
  from both sides.' BTW: This gag might become
  clearer if you say it out loud.

  gasps, "Easy. Doing it my way is not only
  free, you actually get paid to smoke. 'How?' I
  hear you ask in desperation. Simple...Medical
  Testing. Virtually no-one goes for it since
  that minor little incident a while back, and
  they're always wanting people to test new
  fags. You get as many as you want and get
  money for doing it."

  * WIKIPEDIA DEATHS - many of you wrote in with
  messages like this one from Thistle, "Rob
  Manuel - our Ginger Fuhrer - got killed many
  times on Wikipedia as well but someone kept
  changing it back.  After I read the newsletter
  I went to do it myself but someone had beaten
  me to it!" Heh, we don't mind. We're actually
  more surprised to see our carrot-topped godhead
  listed as a 'British Radio Personality.'

  Wombat mutters, "A year or so ago I told B3ta
  about a mate of mine who had built a
  hobbit-like hippy sustainable house for him
  and his family in the woods somewhere.  His
  bandwidth shot up and he was nearly made
  bankrupt (he only had about £5 and some twigs
  to his name anyway!).  The upside of the
  mention is that he's had enquiries from around
  the world, from media and individuals, he's
  now got a career and is super happy! B3ta has
  all of teh interweb power!" Yay, we're like an
  internet version of Cilla Black.


  Warioware game-a-like
  "I've found a very entertaining little thing,"
  confides Yeknom, "it would make a lovely
  Friday game." Indeed it does, and we're
  looking forward to the Wii versions of similar
  ideas too.



  Make something ripper and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * JADE GOODY'S COON BOX - following Big
  Brother's successful attempts to turn racism
  into light entertainment, bash out a flash
  application which sounds out a number of
  racial insults, "bud bud bud", "send 'em back"
  etc. on a key press. For maximum embarrassment,
  cover it in Endemol and Channel 4 logos.

  * TOILET FLUSH QUESTION - Dermot O'Logical
  asks,"Could B3ta please wield its enormous
  yet subversive power over the world and fix it
  for me to have everyone on the planet flush
  their toilet at the same time, just to see
  what would happen?" Hmm, maybe not. But
  possibly some science types might like to
  write in with their theories?

  * A SMALL SAUSAGE WITH AIDS - gah, we've been
  writing like a cunt for hours and we can't be
  arsed to think of something proper to go here.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by hahn and
  patrickolemouche. Top Tippery by cowjam
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Cheeky cunt award goes to Red
  Rocket who states, "I have nothing whatsoever
  to contribute to the newsletter, but it would
  make my dreary little week if you'd give me a
  special mention (a nice one of course) in the
  thanks bit of the email anyway. After all, as
  you say, nobody reads that bit. Go on, do it
  for little old me." Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Word, props and respec' to tha b4ta
  posse of 30-something mums and dads.


  To clear your stuffed nose press your tongue
  as hard as you can into the roof of your mouth
  then push your finger between your eyebrows
  and up a little bit. Do that a few times and
  you should feel all that snot dribble down the
  back of your throat. Mmm.

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