NEWSLETTER: "NOT FREE AS IN BEER, FREE AS IN AIDS"
This Week:
* BUKAKKE - Watch the vid. No, really
* PHOTOSHOPS - Poo 'doctor' gets it B3ta style
* MOOPHONE - Joel & Rob in sell-out ad non-shock
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're eating the shit
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| with Gillian McKeith"
B3ta email 264 - 16 Feb 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue264/
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: SPONSORED LINK
Submit your art
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want to spunk cash with the ad sales team behind
B3ta, Popbitch, Holymoly and Weebls-stuff?
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Six projects of sexy doom
>> Leg photo laptop bloke <<
"In about May last year you kindly featured my
website," preens spikytom, "I got ripped off
by someone who sold me a broken laptop on ebay
so I posted up all the porn etc that I found
on the hard drive on a website which to date
has been seen by about 3.8 million people.
Well, he still hasn't refunded my money, and
I'm skint again, so I've put the laptop and
website on eBay." This is your chance to own a
bit of genuine internet history so bid, my
pretties. Bid like the wind!
http://tinyurl.com/32mfff
>> Throw them in the pit <<
Long-term B3ta contributor Koit has clearly
lost his marbles and barks, "The story goes
that myself and 2 friends came up with the
idea of the pit, so that we could rid the
world of all the wankers. The pit evolved into
a place where we eventually put everyone, even
if they only annoyed us slightly." This scares
us, kind of catchy though.
http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/pit...
>> Wind-up emails <<
Dave Smith has a common name and he gets
lots of email for people that aren't him. He
writes, "This blog documents the fun I've had
being other people who have the same name as
myself." Funny stuff.
http://youhavegotthewrongperson.blogspot.com/
>> Bukkake video <<
"I once wrote a Bukkake song based upon the
Prisoner Cell Block H," spurts DogHorse, "Some
American movie chap decided to make a video
for some reason. Features fake spunk made of
corn syrup and flour." We like it, although
quite why the credits are as long as the
actual funny bit is probably because the bloke
is a "movie chap."
http://b3ta.com/links/Prisoner_Cell_Block_B
>> Random Kitten Generator 2.0 <<
Back in the days of Web 1.5, Fraser bashed up
a site with lots of kitten photos 'awww! show
me another!" Fast forward a bit, and someone
makes Fraser a CASH OFFER to buy his site. He
flogs it and feels so guilty that he makes
KittenWar to say sorry to the web. And now?
He's re-launched his original idea - this time
by taking the top 1000 kittens RSS
kitten-mash-up stylee.
http://www.randomkittengenerator.com/
>> Moophone <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer and Veitch have been busy,
making an promotional song / animation to tell
the world that 'Truphone run a free calls on
your mobile phone service via wireless VOIP.'
Well, that was the advertising brief, but
somehow they got away with claiming the
product is called a moophone and photoshopping
some cows. Result.
http://www.truphone.com/moo/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Other People's Diaries, Email, Stuff
Nothing good comes of sneakily reading other
people's private diaries and email. And these
stories prove it over, and over again:
http://b3ta.com/questions/diaries/
This first one made us cry. Mostly because
the writer had originally thought they'd need
to explain what cottaging was:
* COTTAGING ...
"Thanks, b3ta, I think: things haven't been
peachy between myself and my BF the past few
months so yesterday after reading this QOTW
I succumbed to temptation - I googled him
and his preferred usernames. I found him.
Oh yes, I found him in a looking-for-a-fuck
profile on a cottaging site I'd never
previously heard of, dick pic and all, last
accessed at the weekend when he was away in
Blackpool supposedly spending time with his
kids. I also found an entry for him on
rate-a-rod (I gave it a barely-deserved 1
out of 10). I showed the link to one of my
friends, a single gay guy who spends a fair
bit of time on gay personals sites - he told
me it isn't the first time he's seen a profile
for him whist we've been together. He didn't
want to tell me because he knew I was determined
to try my hardest to rescue our relationship.
Bit of a moot point if the BF is cheating,
but still. When challenged about it on his
return from work, he said he'd created it that
very weekend, 'just fucking about'. Suffice
to say, I didn't believe him. The discussion
went downhill from there. So that just about
wraps it up for us, I guess. Two years, almost
to the day I met him. And now it amounts to
fuck-all. Shite :(" (thatblokeoverthere)
* ... FIRING ...
"At more or less the same time that I joined
my current company, so did one German designer.
She turned out to be shit, quite a nutcase and
frankly no-one really got on with her; the boss
least of all. Fast-forward a week, and he tells
me over a cigarette break that Amanda has to go.
A week comes and goes, and still Amanda is
blissfully unaware at her pending doom. Another
week goes, and still nothing. Our new self-
appointed boss has yet to garner the balls to
do his first sacking and everyone knows it,
except poor Amanda. About 3 weeks later, everyone
is gathered round the boss's desk for a quick
talk on a new website when the ding-dong sound
of a new email is heard from the boss's computer.
The email, entitled "Good luck with sacking
that German!!", beautifully fades in as a small
box into the bottom right of the screen for
just a few seconds, and then fades out again,
like all new emails in Outlook 2003 do. The
boss's speech trails; the room goes eerily silent.
Amanda collects her things and walks out in
stony silence. Poor Amanda" (slippery doctore)
* ... AND, ERM, DOGGING
"As part of my job, any e-mail that is blocked
because of inappropriate content comes to me,
and the user notified. Now, if I want to, I can
browse these inappropriate emails but, to be
honest, I've far better things to do with my
time and most of the stuff is blocked because
of casual swearing. However, occasionally a user
will panic when he gets the notification and
contact me begging for the quarantined email
to be deleted immediately. Now those ones I
*do* read. There was a corker a while back.
Some guy had struck up an email relationship
with a woman from one of our suppliers. What
made this one juicy was that the blocked email
had the entire history of replies from when
they first started flirting, to where they
were describing sexual fantasies. It had
started off mild (I like blow-jobs - I like
my nipples bitten) to sheer filth - which was
where the filter had kicked in. The one that
had been blocked detailed what the guy was
going to do with her on their first date -
that very night. I couldn't resist. I inserted
a couple of lines so that the email now read:
"And then I'm going to drag my Alsatian dog in
while you're still tied up helpless and video
him shagging you..." Then I released the email.
Note: I may or may not have actually released
that email. Depends who's reading this."
(Legless 2.0)
>> This Week's Question <<
Have you been ripped off by some merciless arse?
Have you mercilessly ripped off some poor sucker?
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/rippedoff/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Racist adsense <<
"Imagine my horror when I checked my gmail and
was confronted with an adlink for 'N-word
Jokes - www.ebay.co.uk - Find N-word Jokes!
Buy N-word Jokes on eBay'", screams ch33kster.
Blimey. Anyone up for some flaming torches
outside the Google HQ?
http://www.hencam.co.uk/b3ta/google_do_evil.jpg
>> Ferrari = small penis <<
"It seems having a nice car is a substitute
for having a small chopper," observes Justin,
"have a look at last item he purchased in his
feedback." BTW: You have to do a bit of
clicking to appreciate this joke.
http://snipurl.com/smallpenis
>> Miss Russian Nuclear Industry <<
Phwoar! It seems Russian nuclear firms are
holding a beauty pageant to prove that
working with hazardous nuclear waste doesn't
mean you can't be a glamour-puss. Check out
these lovely atomic babes! Point proven, we
strongly feel.
http://miss2007.nuclear.ru/
>> Wikipedia-ophile <<
We couldn't suppress a slightly startled snort
at the preposterous wickedness of this anonymous
wag's rewrite of the wikipedia entry for the Soham
killer Ian Huntley. It's been edited back again,
as is the way with a wiki - but here's what it
used to look like.
http://snipurl.com/doing_it_for_thekids
>> "How to spot a Jap" <<
Dating from the more innocent times of World
War II - a US Army guide to spotting 'Japs',
presented in comic-book form. Watch out for
the widely-spaced toes, slanty eyes and yellow
skin. Apparently.
http://www.ep.tc/howtospotajap/howto03.html
>> Nailing a jelly to a wall <<
It's sometimes used as the epitome of
attempting the impossible but, undaunted, this
chap has had a good go at affixing the
aforementioned dessert to an interior wall.
Worth a look.
http://graeme.woaf.net/otherbits/jelly.html
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
'My pug is the bestest'
"Remember Magnus the Pug?", asks Jared (No,
actually), "Well this month our new daughter
is on the way and I thought you might like to
see her. She will definitely make you go
'Ahhh...' even though she's a dog."
http://snipurl.com/pug_ugly
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Call it 'YouTube corner' and be done with it...
>> Worst commercial ever? <<
If you were the owner of Montgomery Flea
Market and wanted more people to visit your
fine furniture establishment what would you
do? What you probably wouldn't do is make a
rap video, prominently featuring your portly,
pop-eyed self. "It's just like a, just like a
mini-mall," he warbles. A proud boast indeed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Shrimp on a treadmill <<
Well, it says it all pretty much in the title.
Surprisingly perky prawn-type critter jogging
along in his tank to the Benny Hill music.
Good stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Amazing Japanese chair <<
Following the same principles as those
Christmas decoration pull-out paper chains,
this innovative chair seems able to expand in
order to seat as many people as needed. What's
more incredible - it doesn't instantly collapse
in on itself.
http://www.glumbert.com/media/foldingchair
>> "We are teaching the machine" <<
We genuinely felt a prickling behind our eyes
at this surprisingly moving video about the
way all this Web 2.0 is changing the way we
live and how we talk to each other. If that
sounds like something you might be vaguely
interested in then click the link with the
utmost dispatch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Spam scammers' Monty Python <<
File under 'funny peculiar' - one of the
fraudster-baiting funsters of 419eater.com
has managed to convince a couple of miscreants
to perform and film Monty Python's classic
dead parrot sketch. They certainly act it
out with conviction.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> One-legged dancing <<
Presenting Clayton 'Peg Leg' Bates, 1950s tap
superstar and unidexter. He's certainly got
some nice moves, although the whole TV spot
here borders vaguely on the freak show.
http://youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
STD Manufacturing
Conspiracy theorists will tell you that Aids
is man-made. If so, perhaps this was the
place that did it - they certainly seem proud
of their unsavoury profession.
http://www.stdm.co.uk/projects.htm
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the last two challenges.
Last week we wanted to you to get
un-romantic on our ass with some anti-
Valentine's sentiment.
You liked:
* WORDPLAY - Not big, certainly not
clever, but quite clearly what most
men want from this most romantic of
days (kip81)
* UNDELIVERED - Whereas this entry
clearly demonstrates the reality of
the occasion (Beau Bo d'Or)
These images, and the best as voted
for by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/anti-valentine/
The week before, we wanted to know what
to do with the Millennium Dome:
Your favourites included:
* MONSTER - Godzilla shelters from the
nasty London rain before heading out
to break stuff (Rogan)
* BOUNCY - This looks like the best fun
a cuddly blue dinosaur could ever
possibly have (HappyToast)
All these images, and so much more, are
not available in the shops - just here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/millenium_dome/
>> New challenge: Gillian McKeith <<
Scatological TV quack Gillian McKeith has
had some bad news: she's no longer
allowed to call herself a doctor. Why?
Because she isn't one. So, for no other
reason than we think this is funny,
photoshop her.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gillian_mckeith/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* USB BOURBONS - A couple of weeks ago we
mentioned Happy Toast and Ironman Tetsuo's
idea to bring out a USB bourbon biscuit.
They've pushed forward the plan and have
produced this glorious prototype - we hope
they become as immensely rich as they deserve.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/6828402
* MORE WIKI-DEATH BOLLOCKS - looks like some
journo at The Guardian hasn't been reading the
newsletter.
http://snipurl.com/brown_bread
* TANGY WORCESTER SAUCE TWIGLETS - g1n_munk3y
wants help tracking them down. (We did try
phoning Jacob's but got bored being shunted
between departments looking for someone to
answer our query.)
http://snipurl.com/twiglet_or_piglet
* WEEBL VS PETA - last week we made a video to
point out the similarity between a Peta
animation and Weebl's Badgers. Peta has now
taken it down, but not before your Ginger
Fuhrer was DUGG. BTW: Yes, he is wearing a
Nazi helmet. The 'fuhrer' label isn't a gag.
He's a fucking nazi.
http://snipurl.com/diggy_diggy_dug_dug
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: FRIDAY GAME
Balance thing-ma-bob
"I want to set a record in the number of
Friday Games I can get in the newsletter,"
lies kingjay, "Well, I don't have life and my
therapist said I should to try to achieve
something. And this is real British as well!
Isn't that fun? It's with a stick and balls.
That should count for something." Good game,
woo.
http://www.alexheaton.co.uk/games/tilt2/Tilt2.swf
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BEN GOLDACRE FROM BAD SCIENCE - to judge our
Gillian Mckeith image challenge. (Actually
we'd quite like Gillian / Max Clifford to
send us a cease and desist, but we suspect
they're laying low at the moment.)
* BREAKOUT / SPACE INVADERS MASH-UP - Use the
bat to bash the ball into the invading
space-scum. We spent a good couple of hours
the other day thinking how this could work,
and reckon it would be ACE.
* WINDOW LICKER GAME - there's lots of dirty
windows, lick them clean.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
original_nuttah, thayer, Grr_boy, Liam
Barrett, rob5110, discokid_1, antifraudsule.
Top Tippery by me. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. B4ta loves you like a mother.
Not your mother, Dave - that would be scary.
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TOP TIP:
Remove cat hair from your clothes using
sellotape. Or leave Tiddles on the motorway.
