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This Week:
* BUKAKKE - Watch the vid. No, really
* PHOTOSHOPS - Poo 'doctor' gets it B3ta style
* MOOPHONE - Joel & Rob in sell-out ad non-shock

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    "We're eating the shit
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     with Gillian McKeith"

B3ta email 264 - 16 Feb 2007

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  Submit your art
  So you want your work to be seen by the best
  in the industry, have the chance of performing
  across the globe? Get yourselves onto
  FREEDM2.com, to share your art, illustrations,
  animations and film. It’s currently got
  exclusive work from young London-based artist
  Dogsticks, check out his profile

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want to spunk cash with the ad sales team behind
  B3ta, Popbitch, Holymoly and Weebls-stuff?


  Six projects of sexy doom
  >> Leg photo laptop bloke <<
  "In about May last year you kindly featured my
  website," preens spikytom, "I got ripped off
  by someone who sold me a broken laptop on ebay
  so I posted up all the porn etc that I found
  on the hard drive on a website which to date
  has been seen by about 3.8 million people.
  Well, he still hasn't refunded my money, and
  I'm skint again, so I've put the laptop and
  website on eBay." This is your chance to own a
  bit of genuine internet history so bid, my
  pretties. Bid like the wind!

  >> Throw them in the pit <<
  Long-term B3ta contributor Koit has clearly
  lost his marbles and barks, "The story goes
  that myself and 2 friends came up with the
  idea of the pit, so that we could rid the
  world of all the wankers. The pit evolved into
  a place where we eventually put everyone, even
  if they only annoyed us slightly." This scares
  us, kind of catchy though.

  >> Wind-up emails <<
  Dave Smith has a common name and he gets
  lots of email for people that aren't him. He
  writes, "This blog documents the fun I've had
  being other people who have the same name as
  myself." Funny stuff.

  >> Bukkake video <<
  "I once wrote a Bukkake song based upon the
  Prisoner Cell Block H," spurts DogHorse, "Some
  American movie chap decided to make a video
  for some reason. Features fake spunk made of
  corn syrup and flour." We like it, although
  quite why the credits are as long as the
  actual funny bit is probably because the bloke
  is a "movie chap."

  >> Random Kitten Generator 2.0 <<
  Back in the days of Web 1.5, Fraser bashed up
  a site with lots of kitten photos 'awww! show
  me another!" Fast forward a bit, and someone
  makes Fraser a CASH OFFER to buy his site. He
  flogs it and feels so guilty that he makes
  KittenWar to say sorry to the web. And now?
  He's re-launched his original idea - this time
  by taking the top 1000 kittens RSS
  kitten-mash-up stylee. 

  >> Moophone <<
  Your Ginger Fuhrer and Veitch have been busy,
  making an promotional song / animation to tell
  the world that 'Truphone run a free calls on
  your mobile phone service via wireless VOIP.'
  Well, that was the advertising brief, but
  somehow they got away with claiming the
  product is called a moophone and photoshopping
  some cows. Result.


  Other People's Diaries, Email, Stuff
  Nothing good comes of sneakily reading other
  people's private diaries and email. And these
  stories prove it over, and over again:

  This first one made us cry. Mostly because
  the writer had originally thought they'd need
  to explain what cottaging was:

    "Thanks, b3ta, I think: things haven't been
    peachy between myself and my BF the past few
    months so yesterday after reading this QOTW
    I succumbed to temptation - I googled him
    and his preferred usernames. I found him.
    Oh yes, I found him in a looking-for-a-fuck
    profile on a cottaging site I'd never
    previously heard of, dick pic and all, last
    accessed at the weekend when he was away in
    Blackpool supposedly spending time with his
    kids. I also found an entry for him on
    rate-a-rod (I gave it a barely-deserved 1
    out of 10). I showed the link to one of my
    friends, a single gay guy who spends a fair
    bit of time on gay personals sites - he told
    me it isn't the first time he's seen a profile
    for him whist we've been together. He didn't
    want to tell me because he knew I was determined
    to try my hardest to rescue our relationship.
    Bit of a moot point if the BF is cheating,
    but still. When challenged about it on his
    return from work, he said he'd created it that
    very weekend, 'just fucking about'. Suffice
    to say, I didn't believe him. The discussion
    went downhill from there. So that just about
    wraps it up for us, I guess. Two years, almost
    to the day I met him. And now it amounts to
    fuck-all. Shite :(" (thatblokeoverthere)
  * ... FIRING ...
    "At more or less the same time that I joined
    my current company, so did one German designer.
    She turned out to be shit, quite a nutcase and
    frankly no-one really got on with her; the boss
    least of all. Fast-forward a week, and he tells
    me over a cigarette break that Amanda has to go.
    A week comes and goes, and still Amanda is
    blissfully unaware at her pending doom. Another
    week goes, and still nothing. Our new self-
    appointed boss has yet to garner the balls to
    do his first sacking and everyone knows it,
    except poor Amanda. About 3 weeks later, everyone
    is gathered round the boss's desk for a quick
    talk on a new website when the ding-dong sound
    of a new email is heard from the boss's computer.
    The email, entitled "Good luck with sacking
    that German!!", beautifully fades in as a small
    box into the bottom right of the screen for
    just a few seconds, and then fades out again,
    like all new emails in Outlook 2003 do. The
    boss's speech trails; the room goes eerily silent.
    Amanda collects her things and walks out in
    stony silence. Poor Amanda" (slippery doctore)
    "As part of my job, any e-mail that is blocked
    because of inappropriate content comes to me,
    and the user notified. Now, if I want to, I can
    browse these inappropriate emails but, to be
    honest, I've far better things to do with my
    time and most of the stuff is blocked because
    of casual swearing. However, occasionally a user
    will panic when he gets the notification and
    contact me begging for the quarantined email
    to be deleted immediately. Now those ones I
    *do* read. There was a corker a while back.
    Some guy had struck up an email relationship
    with a woman from one of our suppliers. What
    made this one juicy was that the blocked email
    had the entire history of replies from when
    they first started flirting, to where they
    were describing sexual fantasies. It had
    started off mild (I like blow-jobs - I like
    my nipples bitten) to sheer filth - which was
    where the filter had kicked in. The one that
    had been blocked detailed what the guy was
    going to do with her on their first date -
    that very night. I couldn't resist. I inserted
    a couple of lines so that the email now read:
    "And then I'm going to drag my Alsatian dog in
    while you're still tied up helpless and video
    him shagging you..." Then I released the email.
    Note: I may or may not have actually released
    that email. Depends who's reading this."
    (Legless 2.0)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  Have you been ripped off by some merciless arse?
  Have you mercilessly ripped off some poor sucker?
  Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Racist adsense <<
  "Imagine my horror when I checked my gmail and
  was confronted with an adlink for 'N-word
  Jokes - www.ebay.co.uk - Find N-word Jokes!
  Buy N-word Jokes on eBay'", screams ch33kster.
  Blimey. Anyone up for some flaming torches
  outside the Google HQ?

  >> Ferrari = small penis <<
  "It seems having a nice car is a substitute
  for having a small chopper," observes Justin,
  "have a look at last item he purchased in his
  feedback." BTW: You have to do a bit of
  clicking to appreciate this joke.

  >> Miss Russian Nuclear Industry <<
  Phwoar! It seems Russian nuclear firms are
  holding a beauty pageant to prove that
  working with hazardous nuclear waste doesn't
  mean you can't be a glamour-puss. Check out
  these lovely atomic babes! Point proven, we
  strongly feel. 

  >> Wikipedia-ophile <<
  We couldn't suppress a slightly startled snort
  at the preposterous wickedness of this anonymous
  wag's rewrite of the wikipedia entry for the Soham
  killer Ian Huntley. It's been edited back again,
  as is the way with a wiki - but here's what it
  used to look like.

  >> "How to spot a Jap" <<
  Dating from the more innocent times of World
  War II - a US Army guide to spotting 'Japs',
  presented in comic-book form. Watch out for
  the widely-spaced toes, slanty eyes and yellow
  skin. Apparently.

  >> Nailing a jelly to a wall <<
  It's sometimes used as the epitome of
  attempting the impossible but, undaunted, this
  chap has had a good go at affixing the
  aforementioned dessert to an interior wall.
  Worth a look.


  'My pug is the bestest'

  "Remember Magnus the Pug?", asks Jared (No,
  actually), "Well this month our new daughter
  is on the way and I thought you might like to
  see her. She will definitely make you go
  'Ahhh...' even though she's a dog."


  Call it 'YouTube corner' and be done with it...

  >> Worst commercial ever? <<
  If you were the owner of Montgomery Flea
  Market and wanted more people to visit your
  fine furniture establishment what would you
  do? What you probably wouldn't do is make a
  rap video, prominently featuring your portly,
  pop-eyed self. "It's just like a, just like a
  mini-mall," he warbles. A proud boast indeed.

  >> Shrimp on a treadmill <<
  Well, it says it all pretty much in the title.
  Surprisingly perky prawn-type critter jogging
  along in his tank to the Benny Hill music.
  Good stuff.

  >> Amazing Japanese chair <<
  Following the same principles as those
  Christmas decoration pull-out paper chains,
  this innovative chair seems able to expand in
  order to seat as many people as needed. What's
  more incredible - it doesn't instantly collapse
  in on itself.

  >> "We are teaching the machine" <<
  We genuinely felt a prickling behind our eyes
  at this surprisingly moving video about the
  way all this Web 2.0 is changing the way we
  live and how we talk to each other. If that
  sounds like something you might be vaguely
  interested in then click the link with the
  utmost dispatch.

  >> Spam scammers' Monty Python <<
  File under 'funny peculiar' - one of the
  fraudster-baiting funsters of 419eater.com
  has managed to convince a couple of miscreants
  to perform and film Monty Python's classic
  dead parrot sketch. They certainly act it
  out with conviction.

  >> One-legged dancing <<
  Presenting Clayton 'Peg Leg' Bates, 1950s tap
  superstar and unidexter. He's certainly got
  some nice moves, although the whole TV spot
  here borders vaguely on the freak show.


  STD Manufacturing
  Conspiracy theorists will tell you that Aids
  is man-made. If so, perhaps this was the
  place that did it - they certainly seem proud
  of their unsavoury profession.


  Results from the last two challenges.

  Last week we wanted to you to get 
  un-romantic on our ass with some anti-
  Valentine's sentiment.

  You liked:

  * WORDPLAY - Not big, certainly not 
    clever, but quite clearly what most 
    men want from this most romantic of 
    days (kip81)

  * UNDELIVERED - Whereas this entry 
    clearly demonstrates the reality of
    the occasion (Beau Bo d'Or)    

    These images, and the best as voted
    for by you can be found here:

  The week before, we wanted to know what 
  to do with the Millennium Dome:
  Your favourites included:
  * MONSTER - Godzilla shelters from the 
    nasty London rain before heading out 
    to break stuff (Rogan)

  * BOUNCY - This looks like the best fun 
    a cuddly blue dinosaur could ever 
    possibly have (HappyToast)

    All these images, and so much more, are
    not available in the shops - just here:

  >> New challenge: Gillian McKeith <<
  Scatological TV quack Gillian McKeith has 
  had some bad news: she's no longer 
  allowed to call herself a doctor. Why? 
  Because she isn't one. So, for no other 
  reason than we think this is funny, 
  photoshop her.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * USB BOURBONS - A couple of weeks ago we
  mentioned Happy Toast and Ironman Tetsuo's
  idea to bring out a USB bourbon biscuit.
  They've pushed forward the plan and have
  produced this glorious prototype - we hope
  they become as immensely rich as they deserve.

  * MORE WIKI-DEATH BOLLOCKS - looks like some
  journo at The Guardian hasn't been reading the

  wants help tracking them down. (We did try
  phoning Jacob's but got bored being shunted
  between departments looking for someone to
  answer our query.)

  * WEEBL VS PETA - last week we made a video to
  point out the similarity between a Peta
  animation and Weebl's Badgers. Peta has now
  taken it down, but not before your Ginger
  Fuhrer was DUGG. BTW: Yes, he is wearing a
  Nazi helmet. The 'fuhrer' label isn't a gag.
  He's a fucking nazi.


  Balance thing-ma-bob
  "I want to set a record in the number of
  Friday Games I can get in the newsletter,"
  lies kingjay, "Well, I don't have life and my
  therapist said I should to try to achieve
  something. And this is real British as well!
  Isn't that fun? It's with a stick and balls.
  That should count for something." Good game,



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  Gillian Mckeith image challenge. (Actually
  we'd quite like Gillian / Max Clifford to
  send us a cease and desist, but we suspect
  they're laying low at the moment.)

  bat to bash the ball into the invading
  space-scum. We spent a good couple of hours
  the other day thinking how this could work,
  and reckon it would be ACE.

  * WINDOW LICKER GAME - there's lots of dirty
  windows, lick them clean.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  original_nuttah, thayer, Grr_boy, Liam
  Barrett, rob5110, discokid_1, antifraudsule.
  Top Tippery by me. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. B4ta loves you like a mother.
  Not your mother, Dave - that would be scary.


  Remove cat hair from your clothes using
  sellotape. Or leave Tiddles on the motorway.

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