NEWSLETTER: "IT'S THE TENANTS FRED WEST REJECTS THAT MAKES FRED WEST THE BEST"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Silent Star Wars movie
* QUESTION - Worst dinner you've cooked
* PUBES - Dye your grey pubes, Mrs Robinson
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're sniffing the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| seat... together"
B3ta weemail 277 - 18 May 2007
If email is toss - use browser magic:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue277/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Discoo T-Shirts
Visit online fashion store Discoo for vintage
style t shirts by Ringspun, Ben Sherman,
Amplified and Ed Hardy. See photos of Hollyoaks
babes, Jade Jagger's bum, Abbey Clancy and news
on Lindsay Lohan's missing nipples. Get 10% off
by entering 'lohan' at checkout. Ends 25th May.
http://www.discoo.co.uk
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Ham, Star Wars, Pilots and Stalkers
>> What Have You Done To My Ham? <<
Veitch screams, "A little song by me and my
brother Al, regarding what he has done to my
ham." FACT: Joel is 1/4 Jewish and hence is
spending his life making up for an ancestral
lack of pork in his diet.
http://www.rathergood.com/ham/
>> Silent Star Wars <<
Spartacus_mill has applied the silent film gag
to George Lucas's epic toss fest. We were
bullied into linking this item as one of our
members said, "Best. Thing. Ever. If that
doesn't grace the newsletter I might cut my
knob off and feed it to my cat." Although,
thinking about it, if anyone does fancy feeding
their cock to their kitten, then you know who
to send the video to.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_Silent
>> Talk like a pilot day? <<
Cowjam is attempting to start a new online
cult. Presumably influenced by the now-infamous
Talk Like A Pirate Day, he's declared the 19th
of May the special day where one should say
stuff like, "bandits at 3 o'clock low,
tally-ho, tally-ho, tally-ho dive dive dive,
eat lead Fritzy." We wish him luck.
http://www.talklikeapilot.org/
>> Ginger Fuhrer stalker? <<
Emvee from our board has been spending his time
putting together a comic strip based upon your
red-haired leader as a transvestite. Not really
what we had in mind when we started B3ta, and
Rob is both flattered and scared.
http://www.robmanuel.com/2007/05/16/the-adventures...
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Work Experience
Last week we asked for your first experiences
at work, when you were young, innocent and
(crucially) gullible:
http://b3ta.com/questions/workexperience/
* FRANK AND HIS COMPUTER
"Frank ran the big computer on the ground
floor. This computer did a lot of things,
including the generation of all the fixtures
for every team in the Football League... Oh
look, someone left it logged on. OK choose
'13' Manchester City. -Options 1. Rename.
2.Delete. 3. Replace etc... Ok, erm, '3'.
-enter replacement. hmm. 'Plymouth Argyll' I
didn't know that the next day was the day
they sent it to the FA. I didn't know it
wouldn't be noticed until late July, two days
before the print deadlines for the
notifications that go to the clubs, the TV
companies, the police, the caterers, the
bloody-well everyone. I didn't know that this
had been almost accepted as the final draft
until the last minute. I didn't know any of
that until I met Frank nearly 20 years later.
He still tells the story of the work
experience kid who for a few months promoted
Plymouth to the First Division and relegated
Man City." (I have run out of coke)
* MIND JIZZ
"I worked in a place that put old cine reels
onto DVD for people who couldn't watch them
back anymore. My job was to digitally enhance
them and do all the fancy stuff with menus
and crap. And here's the interesting
statistic, 7 times out of 10, the Cine Reels
were entirely made up of men in the 70s who'd
filmed themselves tossing off. After 8 hours
of that, my mind was actually broken and
everything was ruined forever. And I was only
on three pounds an hour!" (MrGomez)
* SUPERMARKET TROLLEY MONKEY
"I did evenings at a local supermarket to
earn beer money in my student days. They
never worked out why I was so keen to go out
and scour the wino-haunted multi-storey car
park for abandoned trolleys. It was because I
found I could stand on the top floor of the
car park and watch some bloke in the offices
opposite porking the office cleaner over his
desk, every night, 6pm, without fail. That
guy had some stamina, I can tell you."
(Scaryduck)
>> This Week's Question <<
What's the worst food you've ever eaten. Talk
to us here once you've cleared your plate:
http://b3ta.com/questions/terriblefood/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Bad tattoo <<
When we were young geeks we briefly considered
getting tattoos. Thank God we were too wimpy
for it and now don't have a line of space
invaders around our right nipple. Anyways, if
we ever change our mind, we reckon we've found
the perfect artist to bring life to our inky
dreams.
http://tinyurl.com/3xcu5a
>> Real-time Flickr <<
Want to see a map with every photo popping up
as it's uploaded? Hypnotic - this is exactly
what it must be like to be God.
http://flickrvision.com/
>> Quo illusion <<
Not only do Status Quo rock, they're also
masters of the Ames Room illusion, as
beautifully illustrated in this wikipedia page.
(We can't help but think Hue and Cry missed a
trick not using the Bezold-Brücke shift for
their 1987 album, Seduced and Abandoned.)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ames_room
>> Irish MP sings song <<
"John Bracken has to be the greatest MP ever,"
intones Sauronwibble, "I'd vote for him, I'd
name my daughter after him." We were confused
as to why, that was until we pressed the Play
button and heard the song. Oh the song.
http://www.johnbracken.ie/
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Google / Youtube axis destroys all in it's path
>> Dog play Wii. Wins <<
Fun short clip of some guy getting beaten by
his dog at console tennis. It's surprisingly
good for a creature without opposable thumbs.
Obviously, what they've actually done is just
taped the controller on and wobbled the dog's
legs from underneath. Sorry to spoil the magic
for you there.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Indian Superman <<
Last week we ran the Turkish Superman, this
week: India. He sings, he dances, he pisses all
over the Turkish guy. He also appears to be
squiring Spiderwoman round town, the lucky
bugger. Wonder if this will become a regular
feature: 'Superman of many nations'. A French
Superman would be nice to see next week.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Nintendo DS is for Nonces <<
Straying wildly into Chris Morris territory
comes this Fox News report that a seemingly
innocent child's toy can allow paedophiles into
your home. No joke. That's what they're saying.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Mimey madness <<
African Americans: dominating the fields of
music and sport - and now mime??
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_mime_AIDS
-------------------------------------------------
: PHALLUS CORNER
Cock-a-hoop!
JugglerJAF blurts -
"I recently bought a packet of Moon Cheese
flavour Hula Hoops (and very nice they were
too), but imagine my surprise when I noticed
this distinctly phallic design on the back of
the packet. And to think, they're selling these
to children. Littlejohn should be advised
immediately!"
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/226/501050903_b2730...
-------------------------------------------------
: SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE
Pube dye
Now you can have sex with someone and they
still won't know if you're a natural blonde. At
least, that's what we guess the theory is
behind this specially formulated minge
coloration. Why not just shave it all off?
Cheaper...
http://www.bettybeauty.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Top Trumps Challenge
Last week we wanted you to create new
Top Trump games. So you did.
Your favourites included:
* TESCO VALUE - a long-running B3ta meme
finally triumphs in live battle (Doctor When)
* CASH MONEY - High Stakes trumps for gamblers
with healthy bank balances (Monkeon)
* TROMPES - This is probably very clever and
captures the cultural zeitgeist, but we don't
speak French, so we could be wrong
(Smallbrainfield)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/toptrumps/
>> New challenge: New Theme Parks <<
Everyone loves a theme park, even the North
Koreans. So let's build some new theme parks
and invent the rides contained therein, using
just our imaginations. Challenge suggested by
The Great Architect, The Rabid Ferret of Doom
and squiggy.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/theme_parks/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* TOP-TIP REFUTED - last week we accidentally
propagated an urban myth on how to avoid points
on your driving licence. Internet spoilsports
Snopes have the real skinny.
http://www.snopes.com/autos/law/ticket.asp
* ALTHOUGH HAVING SAID THAT - Flickr_Freak
informs, "Here's a method that works in
Ireland: If you receive a traffic fine, refuse
to pay and get summoned to court. On the day of
the court appearance, don't walk in until the
very last minute. You'll be handed a ticket
with a number on it. By 10am, it's likely a
three digit number. A court official comes out
and announces 'Ladies and gentlemen - the court
is very busy today, we can only hear cases 1 -
40. If you are holding any other ticket, please
hand it in with your summons to the clerk: you
have been cleared and are free to go'".
* THIS WEEK'S HATE MAIL - "Your website is
disgusting. You people are nauseating. You want
to come over as the big-joker with names like
"Ginger Fuhrer" and jokes about Serial Killers,
bodily functions, perversions, but really
you're are all very sad men. Your childish sick
jokes may fool some but not me. You all have an
unhealthy and morbid fascination with EVIL
because you are all SECRETLY EVIL, yet seek
catharsis for this evil by joking about it in
front of your friends. Obviously you also only
have internet friends. I expect people as
twisted as you are few and far between and
don't like leaving your parents house. So you
have to use the internet. To sum up - I hate
you and I want you to know that I hate you." We
liked this rant so much that we've stuck this
on our board for you to comment on.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7200387
* MORE TOP TIP COMPLAINTS - Phix moans, "About
checking if your TV remote is working. I found
that the best way is to point it at your TV and
push a button. But I'm just a simple kind of
bloke." Bollocks to you all - it's actually a
useful tip: there can be two points of fail -
the box and the remote. Recently we used it to
check that the remote was working on a new DVD
player - turned out the remote was fine and
there was almost invisible sticky plastic
covering the sensor on the box. So there.
Anyway, if you think our tips are so crap then
add some better ones to our special tippy page.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
* BAT OUT OF HELL - last week we asked you to
make a 80s style computer game in tribute to
Meat Loaf. George Gardiner complied, also says,
"last one to hack the highscores table is a
rotten egg." So that's your challenge - he's
actually asking you to fuck with his scores. Go
on then.
http://www.drinkorswim.org/bat.htm
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Invisible Cursor
There's something incredibly disconcerting
about having your mouse pointer suddenly made
invisible - it's like your hand going to sleep
and unexpectedly poking you in the eye. This
clay pigeon shoot-style game gives you a couple
of free shots and then rapidly becomes a hectic
test of spatial awareness as the cursor
vanishes.
http://tinyurl.com/2jywy5
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DRUM MACHINE 'PIMP'SOLES - fix 2 pressure
sensors each trainer, tippy toes for hi-hat,
heel for kick. Dance out some tricked up beats.
(Actually, this is what we day-dreamed up
whilst watching the 'market a trainer'
challenge on The Apprentice last week.)
* TOP TIPS - can you lot add real tips to our
lovely tip page rather than Viz-style stuff?
There's a love.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
* USB CHARGER - a device that actually supplies
power to your laptop etc instead of draining
it. I.e. ie. a universal charger. It sucks that
every electronic device has a different power
plug.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tony Howat,
milesperhour Top Tippery by M o D. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Hooray for b4ta.
BTW: Why is diarrhea called diarrhea? Because
it gives you a dire rear. Yes we know this is a
rubbish joke, but we thought it up all by
ourselves on the train. Go us!
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Knackered CD? Polish out scratches with T-cut
or some other car polish type stuff.
