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This Week:
* VIDEO - Silent Star Wars movie
* QUESTION - Worst dinner you've cooked
* PUBES - Dye your grey pubes, Mrs Robinson

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're sniffing the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       seat... together"

B3ta weemail 277 - 18 May 2007

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  Discoo T-Shirts

  Visit online fashion store Discoo for vintage
  style t shirts by Ringspun, Ben Sherman,
  Amplified and Ed Hardy. See photos of Hollyoaks
  babes, Jade Jagger's bum, Abbey Clancy and news
  on Lindsay Lohan's missing nipples. Get 10% off
  by entering 'lohan' at checkout. Ends 25th May.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Ham, Star Wars, Pilots and Stalkers

  >> What Have You Done To My Ham? <<
  Veitch screams, "A little song by me and my
  brother Al, regarding what he has done to my
  ham." FACT: Joel is 1/4 Jewish and hence is
  spending his life making up for an ancestral
  lack of pork in his diet.

  >> Silent Star Wars <<
  Spartacus_mill has applied the silent film gag
  to George Lucas's epic toss fest. We were
  bullied into linking this item as one of our
  members said, "Best. Thing. Ever. If that
  doesn't grace the newsletter I might cut my
  knob off and feed it to my cat." Although,
  thinking about it, if anyone does fancy feeding
  their cock to their kitten, then you know who
  to send the video to.

  >> Talk like a pilot day? <<
  Cowjam is attempting to start a new online
  cult. Presumably influenced by the now-infamous
  Talk Like A Pirate Day, he's declared the 19th
  of May the special day where one should say
  stuff like, "bandits at 3 o'clock low,
  tally-ho, tally-ho, tally-ho dive dive dive,
  eat lead Fritzy." We wish him luck.

  >> Ginger Fuhrer stalker? <<
  Emvee from our board has been spending his time
  putting together a comic strip based upon your
  red-haired leader as a transvestite. Not really
  what we had in mind when we started B3ta, and
  Rob is both flattered and scared.


  Work Experience

  Last week we asked for your first experiences
  at work, when you were young, innocent and
  (crucially) gullible:

    "Frank ran the big computer on the ground
    floor. This computer did a lot of things,
    including the generation of all the fixtures
    for every team in the Football League... Oh
    look, someone left it logged on. OK choose
    '13' Manchester City. -Options 1. Rename.
    2.Delete. 3. Replace etc... Ok, erm, '3'.
    -enter replacement. hmm. 'Plymouth Argyll' I
    didn't know that the next day was the day
    they sent it to the FA. I didn't know it
    wouldn't be noticed until late July, two days
    before the print deadlines for the
    notifications that go to the clubs, the TV
    companies, the police, the caterers, the
    bloody-well everyone. I didn't know that this
    had been almost accepted as the final draft
    until the last minute. I didn't know any of
    that until I met Frank nearly 20 years later.
    He still tells the story of the work
    experience kid who for a few months promoted
    Plymouth to the First Division and relegated
    Man City." (I have run out of coke)
    "I worked in a place that put old cine reels
    onto DVD for people who couldn't watch them
    back anymore. My job was to digitally enhance
    them and do all the fancy stuff with menus
    and crap. And here's the interesting
    statistic, 7 times out of 10, the Cine Reels
    were entirely made up of men in the 70s who'd
    filmed themselves tossing off. After 8 hours
    of that, my mind was actually broken and
    everything was ruined forever. And I was only
    on three pounds an hour!" (MrGomez)
    "I did evenings at a local supermarket to
    earn beer money in my student days. They
    never worked out why I was so keen to go out
    and scour the wino-haunted multi-storey car
    park for abandoned trolleys. It was because I
    found I could stand on the top floor of the
    car park and watch some bloke in the offices
    opposite porking the office cleaner over his
    desk, every night, 6pm, without fail. That
    guy had some stamina, I can tell you."

  >> This Week's Question <<
  What's the worst food you've ever eaten. Talk
  to us here once you've cleared your plate:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Bad tattoo <<
  When we were young geeks we briefly considered
  getting tattoos. Thank God we were too wimpy
  for it and now don't have a line of space
  invaders around our right nipple. Anyways, if
  we ever change our mind, we reckon we've found
  the perfect artist to bring life to our inky

  >> Real-time Flickr <<
  Want to see a map with every photo popping up
  as it's uploaded? Hypnotic - this is exactly
  what it must be like to be God. 

  >> Quo illusion <<
  Not only do Status Quo rock, they're also
  masters of the Ames Room illusion, as
  beautifully illustrated in this wikipedia page.
  (We can't help but think Hue and Cry missed a
  trick not using the Bezold-Brücke shift for
  their 1987 album, Seduced and Abandoned.)

  >> Irish MP sings song <<
  "John Bracken has to be the greatest MP ever,"
  intones Sauronwibble, "I'd vote for him, I'd
  name my daughter after him." We were confused
  as to why, that was until we pressed the Play
  button and heard the song. Oh the song.


  Google / Youtube axis destroys all in it's path

  >> Dog play Wii. Wins <<
  Fun short clip of some guy getting beaten by
  his dog at console tennis. It's surprisingly
  good for a creature without opposable thumbs.
  Obviously, what they've actually done is just
  taped the controller on and wobbled the dog's
  legs from underneath. Sorry to spoil the magic
  for you there.

  >> Indian Superman <<
  Last week we ran the Turkish Superman, this
  week: India. He sings, he dances, he pisses all
  over the Turkish guy. He also appears to be
  squiring Spiderwoman round town, the lucky
  bugger. Wonder if this will become a regular
  feature: 'Superman of many nations'. A French
  Superman would be nice to see next week.

  >> Nintendo DS is for Nonces <<
  Straying wildly into Chris Morris territory
  comes this Fox News report that a seemingly
  innocent child's toy can allow paedophiles into
  your home. No joke. That's what they're saying.

  >> Mimey madness <<
  African Americans: dominating the fields of
  music and sport - and now mime??



  JugglerJAF blurts - 
  "I recently bought a packet of Moon Cheese
  flavour Hula Hoops (and very nice they were
  too), but imagine my surprise when I noticed
  this distinctly phallic design on the back of
  the packet. And to think, they're selling these
  to children. Littlejohn should be advised


  Pube dye

  Now you can have sex with someone and they
  still won't know if you're a natural blonde. At
  least, that's what we guess the theory is
  behind this specially formulated minge
  coloration. Why not just shave it all off?


  Results from the Top Trumps Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to create new 
  Top Trump games. So you did.

  Your favourites included:
  * TESCO VALUE - a long-running B3ta meme
  finally triumphs in live battle (Doctor When)

  * CASH MONEY - High Stakes trumps for gamblers
  with healthy bank balances (Monkeon)

  * TROMPES - This is probably very clever and
  captures the cultural zeitgeist, but we don't
  speak French, so we could be wrong

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: New Theme Parks <<
  Everyone loves a theme park, even the North
  Koreans. So let's build some new theme parks
  and invent the rides contained therein, using
  just our imaginations. Challenge suggested by
  The Great Architect, The Rabid Ferret of Doom
  and squiggy. 


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * TOP-TIP REFUTED - last week we accidentally
  propagated an urban myth on how to avoid points
  on your driving licence. Internet spoilsports
  Snopes have the real skinny.

  informs, "Here's a method that works in
  Ireland: If you receive a traffic fine, refuse
  to pay and get summoned to court. On the day of
  the court appearance, don't walk in until the
  very last minute. You'll be handed a ticket
  with a number on it. By 10am, it's likely a
  three digit number. A court official comes out
  and announces 'Ladies and gentlemen - the court
  is very busy today, we can only hear cases 1 -
  40. If you are holding any other ticket, please
  hand it in with your summons to the clerk: you
  have been cleared and are free to go'".

  * THIS WEEK'S HATE MAIL - "Your website is
  disgusting. You people are nauseating. You want
  to come over as the big-joker with names like
  "Ginger Fuhrer" and jokes about Serial Killers,
  bodily functions, perversions, but really
  you're are all very sad men. Your childish sick
  jokes may fool some but not me. You all have an
  unhealthy and morbid fascination with EVIL
  because you are all SECRETLY EVIL, yet seek
  catharsis for this evil by joking about it in
  front of your friends. Obviously you also only
  have internet friends. I expect people as
  twisted as you are few and far between and
  don't like leaving your parents house. So you
  have to use the internet. To sum up - I hate
  you and I want you to know that I hate you." We
  liked this rant so much that we've stuck this
  on our board for you to comment on.

  * MORE TOP TIP COMPLAINTS - Phix moans, "About
  checking if your TV remote is working. I found
  that the best way is to point it at your TV and
  push a button. But I'm just a simple kind of
  bloke." Bollocks to you all - it's actually a
  useful tip: there can be two points of fail -
  the box and the remote. Recently we used it to
  check that the remote was working on a new DVD
  player - turned out the remote was fine and
  there was almost invisible sticky plastic
  covering the sensor on the box. So there.
  Anyway, if you think our tips are so crap then
  add some better ones to our special tippy page.

  * BAT OUT OF HELL - last week we asked you to
  make a 80s style computer game in tribute to
  Meat Loaf. George Gardiner complied, also says,
  "last one to hack the highscores table is a
  rotten egg." So that's your challenge - he's
  actually asking you to fuck with his scores. Go
  on then.


  Invisible Cursor

  There's something incredibly disconcerting
  about having your mouse pointer suddenly made
  invisible - it's like your hand going to sleep
  and unexpectedly poking you in the eye. This
  clay pigeon shoot-style game gives you a couple
  of free shots and then rapidly becomes a hectic
  test of spatial awareness as the cursor



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DRUM MACHINE 'PIMP'SOLES - fix 2 pressure
  sensors each trainer, tippy toes for hi-hat,
  heel for kick. Dance out some tricked up beats.
  (Actually, this is what we day-dreamed up
  whilst watching the 'market a trainer'
  challenge on The Apprentice last week.)

  * TOP TIPS - can you lot add real tips to our
  lovely tip page rather than Viz-style stuff?
  There's a love.

  * USB CHARGER - a device that actually supplies
  power to your laptop etc instead of draining
  it. I.e. ie. a universal charger. It sucks that
  every electronic device has a different power

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tony Howat,
  milesperhour Top Tippery by M o D. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Hooray for b4ta.
  BTW: Why is diarrhea called diarrhea? Because
  it gives you a dire rear. Yes we know this is a
  rubbish joke, but we thought it up all by
  ourselves on the train. Go us!

  Knackered CD? Polish out scratches with T-cut
  or some other car polish type stuff.

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