This Week: * SICKIPEDIA 2.0 - Ouch, nasty, nasty stuff * CREATIONISM - Yay for image challenges * QUESTION - Worse sex ever ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're shaving our __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| pubes... together" B3ta email 281 - 15 Jun 2007 Read this issue in your browser: http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue281/ Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Unsub: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Just Not Cricket Kevin Pietersen wallops fours, smashes sixes and generally strikes fear into the hearts of the cricketing world’s best bowlers. But did you know, when it comes to golf, he can effortlessly chip in from the bunker… while still wearing his cricket clobber and using his Woodworm bat? http://tinyurl.com/25wwbx >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Skip this if you don't want to be offended >> Sickipedia 2.0 << Readers may remember our Sickipedia project, our attempt to get the world to fill a site with foul jokes. You want to know the truth? A wiki format wasn't the best technology for this idea, as you could never find where the new jokes lived on the site. Hence we've redone it using currently in-vogue ideas like user-voting and tagging. Currently on the front page is a particularly bad-taste Maddie joke with over 200 votes. Please add your favourite jokes, and remember to vote, vote, vote. http://www.sickipedia.org/ >> Gingerism? << Recently the BBC ran a story asking whether ginger abuse was like racism. We thought not, and asked you to build an application which switched the words ginger and nword on websites. The idea was to make a point - however the results are just mind-bogglingly amusing and horribly offensive. Yes, if you switch the words, the result is entirely different, thus (maybe) proving that ginger abuse cannot be equated with racism. Thanks to Cr3 for having balls of steel enough to code it. BTW: Type in your own URLs at the top to create your own, linky goes to example. http://n0m.com/cPvO >> Shape song << And on a fluffier note, we haven't heard from Koit for a while, but he's recently turned up in our inbox singing about shapes. Sounds like he's auditioning for a slot on educational kids tv. Not bad at all. http://www.koit.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/Shapes.... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Pet Stories Last week we asked for your loveliest pet stories to cheer us up. Follow the link to learn all about the awesome Leonard the Cat: http://b3ta.com/questions/petstories/ * GAY DOG "One drunken evening at home sat on the sofa, my girlfriend was pleasuring me with some 'oral relief'. After a few minutes, my dog wandered up to us and calmly took a big long lick of my shaft,and then walked off. Clearly the moment was lost, and subsequently I felt the need to shower. So, there you have it - I was sexually assaulted my own dog. After confiding in my friends with this story, they consequently labelled me with the nickname 'Bonio'. Twats." (nappy rash) * SPAAADDOINNNNNNNGG "When I was a little sproglet, we had a lovely lump of a Great Dane. Beautiful, lovely, friendly, soft, gentle creature. Unfortunately he had an inherited stomach problem - things would fly through him: he had an absolutely enormous appetite, and would eat whatever he could find. Of the many things he ate, it was when he managed to nick the remains of a sunday roast that sticks in my mind. Unfortunately, the bits of elasticated string were still on the plate. A day or so later, he was wandering around the house with about 6 inches of the elastic hanging out of his bumhole. My dad decided to help out, and grabs the end to tug it out. It's well wedged up the gut, so my dad pulls hard. The end of the greasy elastic slips out of his fingers, and the whole thing snaps back at the hound's ringpiece. I have never, ever, seen an animal move so fast or yelp so loud. He didn't come back for hours, and wouldn't go near my dad for weeks." (meepmeep) * BLOWN AWAY "My friend used to have a cat - when she told people this, they'd say, 'Oh, did it die then?' and she'd say, 'No, it blew away'. It was out in the garden during the hurricane of '87, and they saw it sail away over the garden wall, never to be seen again. She doesn't understand why other people find this hilarious." (Pachey) >> This Week's Question << What's the worst sex you've ever had? http://b3ta.com/questions/worstsex/ ------------------------------------------------- : T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK Smoke here? They've banned it The Great Architect has provided us with this lovely design that's either pro the smoking ban, or against it. Whatever, it's now on a shirt for you to love and hold until your last chocking breath. http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Breast milk cheese << Step-by-step description of a lady's attempt to make a paneer (cottage cheese) out of her own frozen breast milk. Perhaps most strange is her blithe assumption that most people regularly feed their friends and family with recipes including their breast juice. http://www.indrani.net/index.php >> Preposterously breasty game characters << "Over-generous with the breast slider" is the standout phrase from a rundown of the over-endowed characters in the new offering from the Soul Caliber franchise. Indeed, most of the female characters would suffer severely uncomfortable bounce-action in any real bout of melee. And is that sexy, we ask you? Huh? http://snipr.com/phwor_nice_polygons >> The "Annoy-o-Tron" << Utter evil in a small, easily-concealable electronic form. Lets out an urgent-sounding beep at random intervals, eventually breaking your co-workers' sanity as they dismantle all nearby electrical equipment in a desperate bid to locate the cause of the 'alarm'. http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/electronic/8c52/ >> Diving makes you look stupid << Yes, they're impressive athletic feats, pushing the very limits of the human physique - but did you have to pull such an idiotic face? Gallery of grimacing athletes, vindicating our childhood choice of skiving off games whenever possible. http://knuttz.net/hosted_pages/Diving-20070327 >> Ask McDonalds stupid questions << The beleaguered fast food giant has a site to 'engage with the public', answering their questions and concerns. We enjoyed the endless tide of moronic queries along the lines of "I read in the paper that some burger contain poo. Is this really true? If so, what proportion of burgers contain poo?" You almost feel sorry for them. http://snipr.com/maccyds ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Squirrel in the snow This adorably inquisitive squirrel appears to be wearing furry gloves on both his feet and hands. Aww, invite him in for a cup of hot chocolate... http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO and the sister section, Texty Schmexty >> Guy love << It's a matter of opinion whether a show has truly jumped the shark when it reaches the inevitable musical episode. Anyway here JD and Turk of Scrubs sing of their manly and completely non-gay love for each other. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Whoa! Meth! ad << Anti-drugs commercial from the nineties done in the style of a soft drink commercial. It makes taking crystal meth seem so fun and wholesome - we must try some. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Stephen Fry talks internet << Enjoyable, relaxed interview with the comedian and broadcaster holding forth on his favourite websites et al. http://www.videojug.com/interview/stephen-fry-the-... >> Singing cat << This unfortunate feline has a rare vocal chord condition that makes him sound like he's singing whenever he yawns. A lot of credits for such a short clip, but the couple of seconds of his inadvertent warbling are gold. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Pyromaniac fools << Bunch of blokes mucking about with petrol and a bonfire - it doesn't take a genius to see what happens next. Still it is both spectacular and amusing - so much so that the cameraman would rather stand there laughing uproariously than go to check on his possibly stricken mate. http://snipr.com/iblamedefleppard ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO 'Fluffy' We'd honestly never heard of wool fetishism until we got sent this link to Fluffy, resplendent in his fuzzy, knitted woman-suit. Page five is where it gets really messed-up. Like proper scary. http://snipr.com/flickr_fun ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Ginger Challenge Last week we wanted to know what life would be like in a fantastic world where ginger people are worshipped as gods. You obliged. Your favourites included: * ROWLING - the boy Potter reduced to a supporting role, making way for flame- haired colossus Ron Weasley (dwarfer) * MOON - in which this writer's misuse of the subjunctive mode in his grammar is criticised, despite us no longer living in the middle ages where, to be fair, it was quite popular (collapsibletank) * PUBIC HAIR - Say what you like about this Jesus: he was ginger where it truly matters (Donkey Gums) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gingers/ >> New challenge: Creationism << Creationists believe that everything in the universe was created absolutely by a deity, and that evolution is hocus pocus, despite all the evidence to the contrary. Please portray this conflict using God's own image-manipulation software. As judged by Richard Dawkins (in our dreams.) http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creationism/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. AUSSIE FAG WARNINGS - Last week we covered the hardcore public health notices on the back of Australian ciggy packets. "Fortunately", beams Brundy, "The warnings are diverse enough to allow such artistic creations as this..." Ahh, look at his smiling face: http://users.bigpond.net.au/stevenet/ciggies.jpg MADDIE JOKES NOW OFFICIALLY OK - Yep, last week's Maddie-based subject line rated just one complaint. As informal surveys go, that would seem to show that it's now fine to make gags about recent, tragic events. Yay. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Crosswordy challenge Like one of those newspaper puzzles - fill in the missing spaces with selected letters from the right-hand side. Gets a lot harder with embarrassing swiftness. http://militantplatypus.com/games/gamepage.php ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SEMEN COOKING - Official B3ta Doctor, Ben Goldacre suggests, "On the home cooking front: I've got a classic b3ta video idea. Semen is made largely of albumin. So fry it. Or get together with some friends and make a meringue." * FAKE COOKING - We've recently discovered 'nomato', a tomato sauce substitute containing no tomatoes, and Tomsk requests, "I'd be quite intrigued to try that stuff on that weird veggie fake-bacon stuff in gluten-free bread with dairy-free butter and see what a totally everything-free 'bacon' 'sandwich' tastes like." * FACEBOOK B3TA AP - can someone write some amazing application which alerts users on facebook when there is something interesting on B3ta? Or maybe the highest voted jokes on Sickipedia. BTW: We, like the rest of London, appear to have been mucking about with Facebook all week. It's a marvel. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Phil Cool with Steve Punt. Stuff sent in by LittlePixel, SiX, deets75, fixit, jessekillerkay, Chris, R. and Ana Top Tippery by the b3tards. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Flaming clouds of peril to b4ta. (Lose the brackets from the bloody template, please!) And props to Mighty Nibus for the subject line. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Freezing worms makes them easier to sharpen. BTW: This is the highest voted tip on our 'Top Tips' page. You bunch of muppets. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
