NEWSLETTER: "AS USED FOR 'RESEARCH' BY CHRIS LANGHAM"
This Week:
* HEADLINE - Teaser for newsletter content
* QUESTION - Council Cunts
* WEEBL - More Cat Face for Cat Face fans
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're so over Chocolate
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Rain... together"
B3ta email 287 - 27 Jul 2007 - Pentagonal number
Looks like shit? Try reading this in a browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue287/
Lick: [email protected]
Spit: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
New plague threatens world
All over the internet, reports are flooding in
of angry computers attacking their users. A
closer look reveals they all have one thing in
common: a new Nokia N95 was on the scene of
each incident. Keep yourself safe.
http://snipurl.com/jealous_computers
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cat face, free MP3s and The Beatles
>> Improved MP3 Finder <<
Cr3 has been beavering away adding extra clever
features to his 'rob mp3s form the interweb'
application. BTW: The big boys of Web 2.0 stuff
are taking note and have been offering him
precious jewels.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Music_Search_Plus_NOW_60...
>> Cat Face III <<
Weebl continues his peculiar saga of a
floating, talking cat-headed cat. This week,
Cat Face heads for the pet shop to buy some ash.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face+3/
>> Beatles mashups <<
CCC - most famous for his persistant baiting of
Tumbridge Wells based newspapers - has been
remixing his favourite Beatles tracks.
According to the people on our board? It's
better than 'Love.'
http://www.cracked-pepper.blogspot.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I drank Meths: pointless teenage rebellion
Last week we wanted the most pathetic things
you'd done as a teenager to stick it to the man:
http://b3ta.com/questions/teenagerebellion/
* BOOM
Back in the days of real chemistry teaching, I
found the delights of "vigorous exothermic
reactions". Having made my "vigorously
exothermic device" I found the ideal place for
it, a 6 inch pipe which ran under the school
pond (a 3 foot square concrete affair, shunned
by all aquatic life due to the cleaners
regularly tipping their mop buckets full of
bleachy water into it.) With the delay set at
approximately 10 minutes I waited, watching
from my chemistry lesson, for the gout of
flames I was expecting. There was a deep thud,
felt through the whole school followed by a
VERY loud bang as the whole pond blasted off
into the air, over the chemistry block, over
the main hall over the swimming pool and landed
on the all weather pitch, some 150 yards away.
I was impressed, my teachers and the bomb squad
less so. This was merely one of the incidents
that prompted my headmaster to brand me "a
charming, witty and erudite thug" in my final
report. Git. (Captain Placid)
* BUM
My friend told me that when he was 2 or so, he
went down to the very bottom of his garden and
whispered "bum bum poo". He told me that he
"thought he was Al Capone" after that.
(apeloverage)
* TWAT
Rebel? Me? I crave the pat on the head you get
from behaving well. I LOVE authority. I’m the
annoying Monica Geller-like girl in the class.
But I wasn't always like this. Deep in my past
there was an enfant terrible, or so I’d like to
believe. What's closer to the truth is: I left
school and had my nose pierced. It went septic.
I looked like a twat. I dyed my hair pink. The
dye ran. I looked like a twat. I cut all my
hair off and peroxided what was left. I looked
like a boy. And like a twat. I started smoking.
I now have the lung capacity of an 80 year old
and was informed by my friend Stig that smoking
made me "look like a twat". I had a drinking
competition with my friend Claire that left me
with a 3 day hangover and if I could remember I
reckon I'd remember looking like a twat. So I
gave up. I went to Uni, got a good degree, a
PhD, diligently worked towards furthering my
career and being a responsible member of
society. Sadly, I still manage to look like a
twat. Regularly. Hey ho. (Rakky)
>> This Week's Question <<
Ever had to deal with your local council? Then
you'll be glad to know that this week, there's
somewhere to come and rant:
http://b3ta.com/questions/councilcunts/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Upgrade your cat <<
Sick of your moggy looking superiour and aloof?
Make it look like a twat with this Hello Kitty
fancy-dress.
http://snipurl.com/yourcathatesyou
>> Disturbing animated gifs <<
* SHOCK SITE WARNING * Not easy to describe
this one. We've seen a lot of sex-related body
mutilation but this really takes the biscuit.
And the biscuit is shaped like someone's cock
split into two. * SHOCK SITE WARNING *
http://discharges.org/
>> Epic jingle <<
Shitty advertising ditties are one thing but
this air conditioning company just doesn't know
when to quit.
http://www.aircomechanical.com/
>> 'Personal massager' <<
We always presumed it was common knowledge that
the 'personal massagers' advertised in
newspapers like the Daily Mail were aimed at
frustrated women too embarrassed to just go out
and buy a vibrator. Here's a fairly egregious
example; the reference to "deep, penetrating
massage" is all the clue you need.
http://snipurl.com/vibrocock2000
>> Gay sex photo-love <<
Unusually in-your-face campaign for using a
condom during anal sex. The 'sport' theme is
quite amusing. And, obviously, the advice not
to fuck for 30 minutes continuously made us
titter.
http://snipurl.com/gay_pron_alert_pdf
>> Cute web radio tuner <<
Kinda nice wall of thumbnails, each
representing a radio station; drag the tuning
needle over whatever catches your eye.
http://www.tun3r.com/
>> South Korean protests <<
South Korea is very big on political
demonstrations, with roughly 11,000 every year.
Here's a selection of some of the more unusual
ones.
http://snipurl.com/korean_protests
>> Photorealistic commercial art <<
Impressive selection of surreal images from
what we presume is someone's advertising
photography portfolio. That or they have a
strange fascination for heavy plant equipment
and toilets. Great stuff though and hard to
tell what is CGI and what undoctored.
http://snipurl.com/nice_bits
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Cat in a bowl
Not just cute but impressively stupid. Fluff
the cat, one of those long-haired Persian
jobbies, has an inexplicable desire to cram
himself into a tiny little fish tank.
http://www.mypetvideos.tv/watch/xmnfk9
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like animated gifs with someone chatting over them
>> The 12 master formats <<
A breeze through the 12 types of TV ad, as
identified by Donald Gunn. If you're into ads
in any way, this is fascinating stuff.
http://snipurl.com/12_rules_of_ad_twats
>> 80s lifestyle parody <<
A parody voiceover is the icing on the cake to
Brenda Dickson's guide to a glamorous 80s
lifestyle. Very quotable, mostly about her
'vahgeen'. "Dieting is like life, as long as I
don't bleed or cry I'll do it."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Noel Edmunds TV stunt gone wrong <<
Footage from the 1980s' short-lived Late Late
Breakfast Show. Every week they would pick
members of the public to perform 'whacky'
stunts. Looking at this now, it's fucking
unbelievable how cavalier they were with
peoples' safety. Guess light entertainment
demands great sacrifices.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> Midi organiser <<
Sppof ad for 1970s-style computer peripherals.
Can hardly believe PCs used to be that clunky.
Blimey.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Prison "Thriller" <<
Here's something you don't see every day - the
massed 1,500 inmates of a Philippine prison
pretending to be zombies for a performance of
Thriller. It's all very impressive and the
bloke playing the love interest is excellent -
it does get just a little bit too convincing at
the end. BTW: Stop sending this in - we've had
it literally ten billion times now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Kid's Books Challenge
Last week we asked you to create havoc
in the the minds of children by messing
with their literature.
Your favourites included:
* THE BIBLE - say no more (frogdoctor)
* BFG - Roald Dahl, updated for the
internet generation (835Rocks)
* COCK - hooray for gratuitous swearing.
We shitting love it (mamilla_sarsum)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/childrens-books/
>> New challenge: New Uses For Old Monuments <<
The Pyramids. The Parthenon. Stonehenge.
They're nice to look at and everything, but do
they serve any purpose? No! So let's lets put
our ancient ruins to good use in this week's
test of photoshoppery.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pyramids/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GRAVITY DARTS - Grampa complains, "Your
GRAVITY DARTS (featured in the last newsletter)
are not exciting enough. Back in college, we
attached a dart board to the ceiling. We'd
then lie down on a couch directly beneath it
and chuck darts upwards. It was a great
spectator sport, as many darts never reached
the ceiling and came down to haunt the
thrower." VIDEO! Please!
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: FRIDAY GAME
Shooty Physics Madness
Bored pushing biros into your genitals to make
them fire off in some kind of bic shooting
cockapault? Then you need to play this rather
absorbing little gamette.
http://snipurl.com/super_woo_fun_time
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
We'd normally write some suggestions here, but
we can't be arsed, instead what about a few
jokes from Sickipedia?
* An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for
dollars and asked the bank teller, "Why it
change? Yestoday I get two-hunat dolla fo yen--
today I get hunat- eighty?" The bank teller
says, "Fluctuations." The Asian man says, "Fluc
you white guys too!"
* Why did the back street abortionist close?
His ferret died.
* How many scousers does it take to change a
lightbulb? 1 to change the lightbulb, the rest
of them to have a funeral for the old lightbulb
and all sign a book of condolences for it
Send your complaints to Boris Johnson, cheers.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by benzyl, gworthman,
hamishbowden, messytechie, Damian.Schofield,
"dr" ben goldacre, Cassandra michael moran,
r.dodson, Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. "It's my birthday on
saturday, I'll be twenty, that's old, I'm
practically dead now. So before the rigor
mortis sets in, I'd like a birthday shout out,
(I figure the web can't possibly butcher my
name any worse than that bastard on the radio)
Just a little 'Happy B'day Briony' in the
little bit at the bottom. Only weird, lonely
people read that bit, okay so that is
practically your entire audience." Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Subject line by Quim LEAK.
Rapeywoo to b4ta. (Hinge &)
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SICKIPEDIA (AGAIN):
Did you hear about the dyslexic raver? He took F
http://www.sickipedia.org/
