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NEWSLETTER: "AS USED FOR 'RESEARCH' BY CHRIS LANGHAM"

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This Week:
* HEADLINE - Teaser for newsletter content
* QUESTION - Council Cunts
* WEEBL - More Cat Face for Cat Face fans

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're so over Chocolate
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     Rain... together"

B3ta email 287 - 27 Jul 2007 - Pentagonal number

Looks like shit? Try reading this in a browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue287/

           Lick:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Spit:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  New plague threatens world

  All over the internet, reports are flooding in
  of angry computers attacking their users. A
  closer look reveals they all have one thing in
  common: a new Nokia N95 was on the scene of
  each incident. Keep yourself safe.
http://snipurl.com/jealous_computers

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Cat face, free MP3s and The Beatles

  >> Improved MP3 Finder <<
  Cr3 has been beavering away adding extra clever
  features to his 'rob mp3s form the interweb'
  application. BTW: The big boys of Web 2.0 stuff
  are taking note and have been offering him
  precious jewels.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Music_Search_Plus_NOW_600_BETTER


  >> Cat Face III <<
  Weebl continues his peculiar saga of a
  floating, talking cat-headed cat. This week,
  Cat Face heads for the pet shop to buy some ash.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face+3/


  >> Beatles mashups <<
  CCC - most famous for his persistant baiting of
  Tumbridge Wells based newspapers - has been
  remixing his favourite Beatles tracks.
  According to the people on our board? It's
  better than 'Love.'
http://www.cracked-pepper.blogspot.com/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  I drank Meths: pointless teenage rebellion

  Last week we wanted the most pathetic things
  you'd done as a teenager to stick it to the man:
http://b3ta.com/questions/teenagerebellion/

  * BOOM
  Back in the days of real chemistry teaching, I
  found the delights of "vigorous exothermic
  reactions". Having made my "vigorously
  exothermic device" I found the ideal place for
  it, a 6 inch pipe which ran under the school
  pond (a 3 foot square concrete affair, shunned
  by all aquatic life due to the cleaners
  regularly tipping their mop buckets full of
  bleachy water into it.) With the delay set at
  approximately 10 minutes I waited, watching
  from my chemistry lesson, for the gout of
  flames I was expecting. There was a deep thud,
  felt through the whole school followed by a
  VERY loud bang as the whole pond blasted off
  into the air, over the chemistry block, over
  the main hall over the swimming pool and landed
  on the all weather pitch, some 150 yards away.
  I was impressed, my teachers and the bomb squad
  less so. This was merely one of the incidents
  that prompted my headmaster to brand me "a
  charming, witty and erudite thug" in my final
  report. Git. (Captain Placid)
     
  * BUM
  My friend told me that when he was 2 or so, he
  went down to the very bottom of his garden and
  whispered "bum bum poo". He told me that he
  "thought he was Al Capone" after that.
  (apeloverage)
     
  * TWAT
  Rebel? Me? I crave the pat on the head you get
  from behaving well. I LOVE authority. Im the
  annoying Monica Geller-like girl in the class.
  But I wasn't always like this. Deep in my past
  there was an enfant terrible, or so Id like to
  believe. What's closer to the truth is: I left
  school and had my nose pierced. It went septic.
  I looked like a twat. I dyed my hair pink. The
  dye ran. I looked like a twat. I cut all my
  hair off and peroxided what was left. I looked
  like a boy. And like a twat. I started smoking.
  I now have the lung capacity of an 80 year old
  and was informed by my friend Stig that smoking
  made me "look like a twat". I had a drinking
  competition with my friend Claire that left me
  with a 3 day hangover and if I could remember I
  reckon I'd remember looking like a twat. So I
  gave up. I went to Uni, got a good degree, a
  PhD, diligently worked towards furthering my
  career and being a responsible member of
  society. Sadly, I still manage to look like a
  twat. Regularly. Hey ho. (Rakky)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Ever had to deal with your local council? Then
  you'll be glad to know that this week, there's
  somewhere to come and rant:
http://b3ta.com/questions/councilcunts/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Upgrade your cat <<
  Sick of your moggy looking superiour and aloof?
  Make it look like a twat with this Hello Kitty
  fancy-dress.
http://snipurl.com/yourcathatesyou


  >> Disturbing animated gifs <<
  * SHOCK SITE WARNING * Not easy to describe
  this one. We've seen a lot of sex-related body
  mutilation but this really takes the biscuit.
  And the biscuit is shaped like someone's cock
  split into two. * SHOCK SITE WARNING *
http://discharges.org/


  >> Epic jingle <<
  Shitty advertising ditties are one thing but
  this air conditioning company just doesn't know
  when to quit.
http://www.aircomechanical.com/


  >> 'Personal massager' <<
  We always presumed it was common knowledge that
  the 'personal massagers' advertised in
  newspapers like the Daily Mail were aimed at
  frustrated women too embarrassed to just go out
  and buy a vibrator. Here's a fairly egregious
  example; the reference to "deep, penetrating
  massage" is all the clue you need.
http://snipurl.com/vibrocock2000


  >> Gay sex photo-love <<
  Unusually in-your-face campaign for using a
  condom during anal sex. The 'sport' theme is
  quite amusing. And, obviously, the advice not
  to fuck for 30 minutes continuously made us
  titter.
http://snipurl.com/gay_pron_alert_pdf


  >> Cute web radio tuner <<
  Kinda nice wall of thumbnails, each
  representing a radio station; drag the tuning
  needle over whatever catches your eye.
http://www.tun3r.com/


  >> South Korean protests <<
  South Korea is very big on political
  demonstrations, with roughly 11,000 every year.
  Here's a selection of some of the more unusual
  ones.
http://snipurl.com/korean_protests


  >> Photorealistic commercial art <<
  Impressive selection of surreal images from
  what we presume is someone's advertising
  photography portfolio. That or they have a
  strange fascination for heavy plant equipment
  and toilets. Great stuff though and hard to
  tell what is CGI and what undoctored.
http://snipurl.com/nice_bits


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Cat in a bowl

  Not just cute but impressively stupid. Fluff
  the cat, one of those long-haired Persian
  jobbies, has an inexplicable desire to cram
  himself into a tiny little fish tank.
http://www.mypetvideos.tv/watch/xmnfk9


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like animated gifs with someone chatting over them
  
  >> The 12 master formats <<
  A breeze through the 12 types of TV ad, as
  identified by Donald Gunn. If you're into ads
  in any way, this is fascinating stuff.
http://snipurl.com/12_rules_of_ad_twats


  >> 80s lifestyle parody <<
  A parody voiceover is the icing on the cake to
  Brenda Dickson's guide to a glamorous 80s
  lifestyle. Very quotable, mostly about her
  'vahgeen'. "Dieting is like life, as long as I
  don't bleed or cry I'll do it."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dO65OlAhEJg


  >> Noel Edmunds TV stunt gone wrong <<
  Footage from the 1980s' short-lived Late Late
  Breakfast Show. Every week they would pick
  members of the public to perform 'whacky'
  stunts. Looking at this now, it's fucking
  unbelievable how cavalier they were with
  peoples' safety. Guess light entertainment
  demands great sacrifices.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=u4F7uGleXaA


  >> Midi organiser <<
  Sppof ad for 1970s-style computer peripherals.
  Can hardly believe PCs used to be that clunky.
  Blimey.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKzmMej8A3c


  >> Prison "Thriller" <<
  Here's something you don't see every day - the
  massed 1,500 inmates of a Philippine prison
  pretending to be zombies for a performance of
  Thriller. It's all very impressive and the
  bloke playing the love interest is excellent -
  it does get just a little bit too convincing at
  the end. BTW: Stop sending this in - we've had
  it literally ten billion times now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Kid's Books Challenge

  Last week we asked you to create havoc 
  in the the minds of children by messing
  with their literature.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * THE BIBLE - say no more (frogdoctor)

  * BFG - Roald Dahl, updated for the
    internet generation (835Rocks)

  * COCK - hooray for gratuitous swearing.
    We shitting love it (mamilla_sarsum)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/childrens-books/


  >> New challenge: New Uses For Old Monuments <<
  The Pyramids. The Parthenon. Stonehenge.
  They're nice to look at and everything, but do
  they serve any purpose? No! So let's lets put
  our ancient ruins to good use in this week's
  test of photoshoppery.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pyramids/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GRAVITY DARTS - Grampa complains, "Your
  GRAVITY DARTS (featured in the last newsletter)
  are not exciting enough.  Back in college, we
  attached a dart board to the ceiling.  We'd
  then lie down on a couch directly beneath it
  and chuck darts upwards. It was a great
  spectator sport, as many darts never reached
  the ceiling and came down to haunt the
  thrower." VIDEO! Please!


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Shooty Physics Madness
  
  Bored pushing biros into your genitals to make
  them fire off in some kind of bic shooting
  cockapault? Then you need to play this rather
  absorbing little gamette.
http://snipurl.com/super_woo_fun_time


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  We'd normally write some suggestions here, but
  we can't be arsed, instead what about a few
  jokes from Sickipedia?

  * An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for
  dollars and asked the bank teller, "Why it
  change? Yestoday I get two-hunat dolla fo yen--
  today I get hunat- eighty?" The bank teller
  says, "Fluctuations." The Asian man says, "Fluc
  you white guys too!"

  * Why did the back street abortionist close?
  His ferret died.

  * How many scousers does it take to change a
  lightbulb? 1 to change the lightbulb, the rest
  of them to have a funeral for the old lightbulb
  and all sign a book of condolences for it

  Send your complaints to Boris Johnson, cheers.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by benzyl, gworthman,
  hamishbowden, messytechie, Damian.Schofield,
  "dr" ben goldacre, Cassandra michael moran,
  r.dodson, Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. "It's my birthday on
  saturday, I'll be twenty, that's old, I'm
  practically dead now. So before the rigor
  mortis sets in, I'd like a birthday shout out,
  (I figure the web can't possibly butcher my
  name any worse than that bastard on the radio)
  Just a little 'Happy B'day Briony' in the
  little bit at the bottom. Only weird, lonely
  people read that bit, okay so that is
  practically your entire audience." Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Subject line by Quim LEAK.
  Rapeywoo to b4ta. (Hinge &)
  

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  SICKIPEDIA (AGAIN):

  Did you hear about the dyslexic raver? He took F
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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