NEWSLETTER: "IT'S A PARTY IN YOUR MOUTH AND EVERYONE IS COMING"
This Week:
* BREASTICLES - How to draw them
* FOOD - Bacon Biscuits
* QUESTION - Evil Pranks (should be good!)
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "LOVING CAPSLOCK
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| SINCE 1978"
B3ta email 307 - 14 Dec 2007
Impregnate your browser chuff with linky sputz
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue307/
Avon: [email protected]
Blake: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINKY LINK
Crap at Christmas shopping?
Sod Christmas Eve on Oxford Street. Late Late
Gifts lists 80+ online shops offering same day
& next day delivery Christmas gifts, plus
freebies & discounts for cheapskate B3tans
(including £5 free Firebox.com voucher). Get
spending pronto, these ads cost cold hard cash:
http://LateLateGifts.co.uk/b3ta
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want to buy us presents? Then let's talk turkey.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Catface, Girl Porn, and Crap Games
>> Christmas Catface <<
A festive special in the household of Jonti's
macrocephalic feline creation. will Santa
fulfil all their Christmas wishes?
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face+6/
>> Porn for girls by girls <<
Nobody knows what women want like another
woman - or b3tard David. It's a cunning ad for
his 'Internet in handy book form", but it's
still funny stuff. What *really* gets women
excited? This is not NSFW, if that's a clue.
http://www.PornForGirlsByGirls.com
>> Wii rip-off review <<
Dr. A continues his crusade against crapness
in copycat consoles from down the market. This
one's a doozy, with a 'motion sensor' based
entirely on ball-bearings and the good
doctor's frustration levels reach such a
height as to necessitate a squirrel interlude.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tilt_Games_Review_Wii_Ri...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Accidental Animal Cruelty
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we wanted to know if you'd be cruel
to an animal. But not on purpose. That would
be horrible:
http://b3ta.com/questions/animalcruelty/
* FROG WARS - "When I was a young-un, there
was this large-ish pond in the woods near our
house. Each year, for some unknown reason, the
pond used get full of frogs. You could just
plunge your hand in and almost always come out
with a frog. Being gentle, kind-hearted kids
we came up with a great game "Frog Wars". This
basically involved throwing frogs at each
other whilst running around the pond. There
weren't really any rules, you just had to
throw frogs at someone. I hurled a frog right
across the pond at another kid. It was one of
those perfect throws that you just knew was
going to hit its mark. The world almost stood
still as the frog-weapon arced over the water
towards my target. Unfortunately for him, he
happened to be shouting just at the moment of
impact and my aim was true. The frog landed
right in his mouth. The poor kid screamed and
vomited on the spot. That was the end of Frog
wars: I think that he went home and told his
mum and we all got a bollocking." (MrCrabby)
* JAFFA ARSED DOG - "I was throwing Jaffa
Cakes to my mate's dog. He wasn't a good catch
and they were going everywhere. We told him to
sit to received the next jaffa, and when he
stood back up, we realised he'd sat on one
which had stuck to his arsehole. He realised
he could smell a jaffa, but couldn't find it,
and started running in circles. He proceeded
to chase his own arse until he became so dizzy
he toppled down the flight of stairs. We
thought he'd broken his neck, but he stood up,
shook himself, and then happily ate the jaffa
which had become dislodged from his date
during the tumble." (hixy)
* CAT KILLER - "My wee brother had a black
kitten, Sootica, that had the unfortunate
habit of sleeping in the laundry basket.
Eventually my mother loaded the basket
straight into the washing machine and drowned
Sootica. When I got home from school my mother
was in hysterics after finding the lifeless
soggy feline in amongst my dad's work socks.
She made me promise to never tell my bro and
that we'd all stick to the line that, "it must
have run away." That was 17 years ago. I told
him at a party last summer when I'd had a few
too many. He took it well. By phoning my mum
out of her bed at 4am whilst off his chops and
calling her "a fucking lying murderer." (Raol
Duke)
Totally not safe if you are eating, but
'Baldie' writes, "He was having a kip in a
hollow log, and I was merrily chopping wood
with my BRAND NEW chainsaw:"
http://www.adam.com.au/phil/poss.jpg
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your most evil pranks. Talk to us
here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/evilpranks/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Crack dollhouse <<
There's two things b3ta loves best: smoking
crack and playing with dollhouses, so imagine
our delight when some kind of web genius
combined the two and built a toy home, made in
miniature, for tiny people on the pipe. And
hey, it's coming up to Xmas, so it's the the
ideal gift for the crack baby in YOUR life.
http://snipurl.com/mylovelycrack
>> Bacon Biscuits <<
Knowing our members fondness for pork, here's
a tip, the next time you cook up some
scrumptious cookies, why not throw some bacon
in the mix? The connoisseurs amongst you might
like to follow up this project by making a
toad in the hole / fudge cake mash-up.
http://snipurl.com/bacontwats
>> How to draw tits <<
Nothing gets attention like a truly great
pair of tits but have you ever thought on how
to draw them without looking like a 13 year
old compulsive masturbator? BTW: Our favourite
celebrity funbags are currently on display as
Chloe Finnegan's chest - the fabulously
breasted daughter of TVs Richard & Judy.
http://www.maxriffner.com/parlor/how-to-draw-boobs
>> Random pervert of the week <<
Via IMDB discussion pages on a bit-part actress
in Star Trek, "How sad that Ms. Oliver is no
longer with us. I had quite a crush on her
back in the 70's! I recall that she got one of
the most realistic spankings in the annals for
TV history when she guest starred on "Wagon
Train" back in the early 1960's. Her character
was a real brat & after she tried to shoot one
of the male leads on the show, Robert Horton,
he takes her over his knee for a very hard
hand spanking (or at lest it looks hard). You
even see him lifting her skirts before he
starts swatting her! That was an unusual move
in movies & TV. In almost all films & TV
shows, the spanker spanks the young lady on
the seat of her pants/jeans or on the seat of
her dress/skirt. By her facial expressions,
poor Ms. Oliver seems like she's really
'getting it' from the young, handsome, stern &
obviously strong Mr. Horton. Anyway, I hope
she rests in peace." And as a bonus? Here's a
completely different perv:
http://filtersweep.shackspace.com/58988662.html
>> Shit superheroes <<
A huge series of comic superheroes each
created to defeat the last with increasingly
contrived powers - although they won't let you
join in with your own submissions because they
are elitist fools holding a finger in the dyke
of user generated content, or whatever it is
that marketing wazzocks call it this week.
http://www.thesuperest.com/
>> The Ronseal Award <<
One day we'll earn millions by partnering up
with Ronseal to do an award, celebrating
websites that do "exactly what it says on the
tin." STOP PRESS: We've only just written this
and we've already had an entry.
http://www.thispeanutlookslikeaduck.com/
>> "Here comes another bubble!" <<
Waggish take on the overheated tech sector,
sung to the tune of Billy Joel's 'We didn't
start the fire'.
http://snipurl.com/bubbletwats
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Sleepy Dormouse
Is there anything cute left in the world? We
were beginning to doubt it, and this section
lay fallow for a time, provoking a tearful
outcry from our more sensitive readers.
Fortunately, b3tards have stepped up to the
challenge, moving to refill the coffers of
cuteness. But there's still a long way to go.
Anyway, in the meantime, here's a lovely
dormouse wintering as we all should;
sleepy and stuffed with food.
http://www.somersetbirder.fsnet.co.uk/dormouse.jpg
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: B3TA XMAS GIFT LIST
If you really hate your family and want to
make them miserable this festive season then
here's some really shit ideas.
* FOR MUMS! - nothing says Happy Christmas to
mum like a load of dead baby jokes, and at
910 in the current Amazon sales rankings,
there's going to be a lot of tears this
holiday.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/190554828...
* FOR NEWBORNS - why not a paedo-friendly 'swirly
face man' t-shirt? You'll never be invited
round again. Thanks B3ta!
http://snipurl.com/subnathantwats
* FOR THE TRULY B3TARDED - Only Jonti's MASSIVE
badger plushies will do. Ideal for Xmas
yiffing.
http://snipurl.com/badgertwats
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Christmas Card Challenge
Last week we wanted to make alternative
Christmas cards.
Your favourites included:
* HOMEMADE - victory ensured by a lovely set
of images followed by some romantic news.
Awwww (Weetobix)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7846246
* GOATSE BAUBLE - the internet's favourite
shock image gets a family- friendly festive
makeover (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7845125
* ELEPHANT - an Xmas mashup capturing the true
spirit of the season (Mystery Bob)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7844990
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/alternative_christma...
>> New challenge: Band Names Taken Literally <<
What would a Def Leppard look like? Are the
Sugababes actually made out of sugar? Show us
literal interpretations of band names.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literal_band_names/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BIRO VIRAL SHOCK - Amused to see our linking
on the Biro review generated a bit of
attention - we've seen it on numerous blogs,
and over 39 comments have been added to the
review. And all because we GENUINELY were
looking at biros on Amazon - "thanks Dad!" as
one of our members said.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000JTOYLS
* CHRIS HOLS IDEAS - Last week we asked for
your suggestions on what stupid projects Chris
might like to do whilst travelling round the
world. The best suggestion was from Crap
Little Monkey who wrote, "Collect as many
free matchbooks as possible while travelling,
use them to plot the route he took while we
was travelling then set fire to them and
record the Mission Impossible-like burning
trail."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Film Sequels
Bored in a DVD store? Your newsletter team
recently visited what was once Virgin in
Camden and spent a happy half hour looking at
all the boxes and thinking of rubbish sequels
ideas.
* President Kong - he's in The White House and
going APE!
* Two Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - When love
meets it's mad!
* And finally, read this as you might imagine
someone pitching an idea to a Hollywood agent
over lunch, "Danny Devito, Arnold
Schwarzenegger and.... Samuel L. Jackson
in.... TRIPLETS!"
See, it's never dull when the newsletter team
go DVD shopping.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WRITEMYCARDFORMEYOUCUNTS.COM - someone
recently asked on our board for suggestions to
put in a wedding card. The winning suggestion?
"Congrats! Couldn't happen to a nicer couple.
PS. If you divorce, we want the kettle back"
which lead to the comment that someone should
"start a website so people know what to write
in cards and people can put in suggestions."
Not a bad idea really.
* MAGGOT CHEESE - can one of our members make
their own Casu Marzu - a cheese made with live
maggots. Maybe with some garden worms in some
Kraft singles. Some info here for our doubters:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casu_marzu
* BEST BEFORE TEST - Tharg2005 writes,
"Inspired by finding a can of Carling 'best
before March 2007' in my fridge, after, oooh,
seconds of risk/reward evaluation, I found out
that the lager tasted exactly like Carling.
We need further studies, on other foods and
drinks, and we need them on the internets."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bob the
Scutter and Hoof Hearted. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subj from
Dixon_Knackers.
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TOP TIP:
Cooking for one? Love mince? Flatten your
ground beef in cling wrap before freezing.
Need a bit for a delicious bolognese sauce?
Snap some off - it'll come off easy and
defrosts in no time. (hixy - Helping B3ta
bachelors not eat Pot Noodles since 2002.)
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SICKIPEDIA:
Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
