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This Week:
* BREASTICLES - How to draw them
* FOOD - Bacon Biscuits
* QUESTION - Evil Pranks (should be good!)

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "LOVING CAPSLOCK
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|         SINCE 1978"

B3ta email 307 - 14 Dec 2007

Impregnate your browser chuff with linky sputz

          Avon:  [email protected]
       Blake:  [email protected]

  Crap at Christmas shopping?

  Sod Christmas Eve on Oxford Street. Late Late
  Gifts lists 80+ online shops offering same day
  & next day delivery Christmas gifts, plus
  freebies & discounts for cheapskate B3tans
  (including £5 free Firebox.com voucher). Get
  spending pronto, these ads cost cold hard cash:

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want to buy us presents? Then let's talk turkey.


  Catface, Girl Porn, and Crap Games

  >> Christmas Catface <<
  A festive special in the household of Jonti's
  macrocephalic feline creation. will Santa
  fulfil all their Christmas wishes?

  >> Porn for girls by girls <<
  Nobody knows what women want like another
  woman - or b3tard David. It's a cunning ad for
  his 'Internet in handy book form", but it's
  still funny stuff. What *really* gets women
  excited? This is not NSFW, if that's a clue.

  >> Wii rip-off review <<
  Dr. A continues his crusade against crapness
  in copycat consoles from down the market. This
  one's a doozy, with a 'motion sensor' based
  entirely on ball-bearings and the good
  doctor's frustration levels reach such a
  height as to necessitate a squirrel interlude.


  Accidental Animal Cruelty

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we wanted to know if you'd be cruel
  to an animal. But not on purpose. That would
  be horrible:

  * FROG WARS - "When I was a young-un, there
  was this large-ish pond in the woods near our
  house. Each year, for some unknown reason, the
  pond used get full of frogs. You could just
  plunge your hand in and almost always come out
  with a frog. Being gentle, kind-hearted kids
  we came up with a great game "Frog Wars". This
  basically involved throwing frogs at each
  other whilst running around the pond. There
  weren't really any rules, you just had to
  throw frogs at someone. I hurled a frog right
  across the pond at another kid. It was one of
  those perfect throws that you just knew was
  going to hit its mark. The world almost stood
  still as the frog-weapon arced over the water
  towards my target. Unfortunately for him, he
  happened to be shouting just at the moment of
  impact and my aim was true. The frog landed
  right in his mouth. The poor kid screamed and
  vomited on the spot. That was the end of Frog
  wars: I think that he went home and told his
  mum and we all got a bollocking." (MrCrabby)
  * JAFFA ARSED DOG - "I was throwing Jaffa
  Cakes to my mate's dog. He wasn't a good catch
  and they were going everywhere. We told him to
  sit to received the next jaffa, and when he
  stood back up, we realised he'd sat on one
  which had stuck to his arsehole. He realised
  he could smell a jaffa, but couldn't find it,
  and started running in circles. He proceeded
  to chase his own arse until he became so dizzy
  he toppled down the flight of stairs. We
  thought he'd broken his neck, but he stood up,
  shook himself, and then happily ate the jaffa
  which had become dislodged from his date
  during the tumble." (hixy)
  * CAT KILLER - "My wee brother had a black
  kitten, Sootica, that had the unfortunate
  habit of sleeping in the laundry basket.
  Eventually my mother loaded the basket
  straight into the washing machine and drowned
  Sootica. When I got home from school my mother
  was in hysterics after finding the lifeless
  soggy feline in amongst my dad's work socks.
  She made me promise to never tell my bro and
  that we'd all stick to the line that, "it must
  have run away." That was 17 years ago. I told
  him at a party last summer when I'd had a few
  too many. He took it well. By phoning my mum
  out of her bed at 4am whilst off his chops and
  calling her "a fucking lying murderer." (Raol

  Totally not safe if you are eating, but
  'Baldie' writes, "He was having a kip in a
  hollow log, and I was merrily chopping wood
  with my BRAND NEW chainsaw:"

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your most evil pranks. Talk to us


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Crack dollhouse <<
  There's two things b3ta loves best: smoking
  crack and playing with dollhouses, so imagine
  our delight when some kind of web genius
  combined the two and built a toy home, made in
  miniature, for tiny people on the pipe. And
  hey, it's coming up to Xmas, so it's the the
  ideal gift for the crack baby in YOUR life.

  >> Bacon Biscuits <<
  Knowing our members fondness for pork, here's
  a tip, the next time you cook up some
  scrumptious cookies, why not throw some bacon
  in the mix? The connoisseurs amongst you might
  like to follow up this project by making a
  toad in the hole / fudge cake mash-up.

  >> How to draw tits <<
  Nothing gets attention like a truly great
  pair of tits but have you ever thought on how
  to draw them without looking like a 13 year
  old compulsive masturbator? BTW: Our favourite
  celebrity funbags are currently on display as
  Chloe Finnegan's chest - the fabulously
  breasted daughter of TVs Richard & Judy.

  >> Random pervert of the week <<
  Via IMDB discussion pages on a bit-part actress
  in Star Trek, "How sad that Ms. Oliver is no
  longer with us. I had quite a crush on her
  back in the 70's! I recall that she got one of
  the most realistic spankings in the annals for
  TV history when she guest starred on "Wagon
  Train" back in the early 1960's. Her character
  was a real brat & after she tried to shoot one
  of the male leads on the show, Robert Horton,
  he takes her over his knee for a very hard
  hand spanking (or at lest it looks hard). You
  even see him lifting her skirts before he
  starts swatting her! That was an unusual move
  in movies & TV. In almost all films & TV
  shows, the spanker spanks the young lady on
  the seat of her pants/jeans or on the seat of
  her dress/skirt. By her facial expressions,
  poor Ms. Oliver seems like she's really
  'getting it' from the young, handsome, stern &
  obviously strong Mr. Horton. Anyway, I hope
  she rests in peace." And as a bonus? Here's a
  completely different perv:

  >> Shit superheroes <<
  A huge series of comic superheroes each
  created to defeat the last with increasingly
  contrived powers - although they won't let you
  join in with your own submissions because they
  are elitist fools holding a finger in the dyke
  of user generated content, or whatever it is
  that marketing wazzocks call it this week.

  >> The Ronseal Award <<
  One day we'll earn millions by partnering up
  with Ronseal to do an award, celebrating
  websites that do "exactly what it says on the
  tin." STOP PRESS: We've only just written this
  and we've already had an entry.

  >> "Here comes another bubble!" <<
  Waggish take on the overheated tech sector,
  sung to the tune of Billy Joel's 'We didn't
  start the fire'.


  Sleepy Dormouse

  Is there anything cute left in the world? We
  were beginning to doubt it, and this section
  lay fallow for a time, provoking a tearful
  outcry from our more sensitive readers.
  Fortunately, b3tards have stepped up to the
  challenge, moving to refill the coffers of
  cuteness. But there's still a long way to go.
  Anyway, in the meantime, here's a lovely
  dormouse wintering as we all should;
  sleepy and stuffed with food.



  If you really hate your family and want to
  make them miserable this festive season then
  here's some really shit ideas.

  * FOR MUMS! - nothing says Happy Christmas to
  mum like a load of dead baby jokes, and at
  910 in the current Amazon sales rankings,
  there's going to be a lot of tears this

  * FOR NEWBORNS - why not a paedo-friendly 'swirly
  face man' t-shirt?  You'll never be invited
  round again. Thanks B3ta!

  badger plushies will do. Ideal for Xmas


  Results from the Christmas Card Challenge

  Last week we wanted to make alternative
  Christmas cards.

  Your favourites included:
  * HOMEMADE - victory ensured by a lovely set
  of images followed by some romantic news.
  Awwww (Weetobix)

  * GOATSE BAUBLE - the internet's favourite
  shock image gets a family- friendly festive
  makeover (prodigy69)

  * ELEPHANT - an Xmas mashup capturing the true
  spirit of the season (Mystery Bob)    

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Band Names Taken Literally <<
  What would a Def Leppard look like? Are the
  Sugababes actually made out of sugar? Show us
  literal interpretations of band names.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BIRO VIRAL SHOCK - Amused to see our linking
  on the Biro review generated a bit of
  attention - we've seen it on numerous blogs,
  and over 39 comments have been added to the
  review. And all because we GENUINELY were
  looking at biros on Amazon - "thanks Dad!" as
  one of our members said.

  * CHRIS HOLS IDEAS - Last week we asked for
  your suggestions on what stupid projects Chris
  might like to do whilst travelling round the
  world. The best suggestion was from Crap
  Little Monkey who wrote,  "Collect as many
  free matchbooks as possible while travelling,
  use them to plot the route he took while we
  was travelling then set fire to them and
  record the Mission Impossible-like burning


  Film Sequels 
  Bored in a DVD store? Your newsletter team
  recently visited what was once Virgin in
  Camden and spent a happy half hour looking at
  all the boxes and thinking of rubbish sequels

  * President Kong - he's in The White House and
  going APE!

  * Two Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - When love
  meets it's mad!

  * And finally, read this as you might imagine
  someone pitching an idea to a Hollywood agent
  over lunch, "Danny Devito, Arnold
  Schwarzenegger and.... Samuel L. Jackson
  in.... TRIPLETS!" 

  See, it's never dull when the newsletter team
  go DVD shopping.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  recently asked on our board for suggestions to
  put in a wedding card. The winning suggestion?
  "Congrats! Couldn't happen to a nicer couple.
  PS. If you divorce, we want the kettle back"
  which lead to the comment that someone should
  "start a website so people know what to write
  in cards and people can put in suggestions."
  Not a bad idea really. 

  * MAGGOT CHEESE - can one of our members make
  their own Casu Marzu - a cheese made with live
  maggots. Maybe with some garden worms in some
  Kraft singles. Some info here for our doubters:

  * BEST BEFORE TEST - Tharg2005 writes,
  "Inspired by finding a can of Carling 'best
  before March 2007' in my fridge, after, oooh,
  seconds of risk/reward evaluation, I found out
  that the lager tasted exactly like Carling. 
  We need further studies, on other foods and
  drinks, and we need them on the internets."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bob the
  Scutter and Hoof Hearted. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subj from



  Cooking for one? Love mince? Flatten your
  ground beef in cling wrap before freezing.
  Need a bit for a delicious bolognese sauce?
  Snap some off - it'll come off easy and
  defrosts in no time. (hixy - Helping B3ta
  bachelors not eat Pot Noodles since 2002.)


  Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.  

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