NEWSLETTER: "[INSERT UNFUNNY MARK SPEIGHT 'JOKE' HERE]"
This Week:
* VID - Retro internet
* PICS - Trailer trash mugshots
* READ - Huge Steve Albini 'interview'
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________ ____ __ ___ "if you close your
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | eyes, it's no different
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to being fucked hard up
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| the arse by a woman."
B3ta email 324 - 18 Apr 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue324/
Spitty schoolboy: [email protected]
Greenie Cameron: [email protected]
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: AMAZING COMEDY NIGHT
Sponsored linky
Tuesday 22nd April 2008, 7.30pm - 11pm. Mirth
Control, The Fouricci Sequence and The George
are proud to present Brendan Dempsey, Mette Lisby,
Elliot Tiney, Arjun Medhi & Stacey Squib PLUS
SPECIAL GUESTS @ The George 213 Strand, London
WC2. All for £5 entry! Get clicky! (£ 2.50 if you
sign up on the B3ta Calendar)
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/13636
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than earwax stains on the desk
>> Retro internet <<
Amusing eighties throwback documentary by
weareace, purporting to show how this
futuristic 'internet' thing will work. Of
course, it fails to do so, but in entertaining
fashion.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Internet
>> Random Proverb Generator <<
A call for content in last week's newsletter
opened the floodgates, as a veritable horde of
techie b3tards wrote their own proverb-mashing
machines. Area writes, "Here's my (quick and
dirty) proverb generator. 'Doctors make the
very worst love and war' is my favourite so
far." We also like 'A bad workman blames your
cloth.' and 'A friend in need is in the bush.'
http://server52204.uk2net.com/b3taproverbs/
>> Pocketless pool <<
SlurpyJ has recently been busy redubbing
sporting events. This 'pocketless pool'
particularly impressed us, as we initially
thought he'd built a huge set and filled it
with a fake sporting tournament.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pocketless_Pool
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Phobias
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked what scares the willies out
of you? (Providing, of course, you had willies
inside you in the first place):
http://b3ta.com/questions/phobias/
* INVISIBLE TOUCH - "Fingers+Face=Fear,
Paranoia and Freak-out. Anyone lightly poking
my face so that they are barely touching it
sends me into a panic fit. The lighter they do
it, the worse it is. I can't cope with it, it
makes me unable to breathe and I feel like I'm
gonna pass out. I stopped telling people when I
realised that people are bastards, and they
will do it to see the subsequent freakout and
me batting at my face like a spakker angry with
his own nose. I thought I was alone in this
strange condition, but when I went to Uni I
found someone else with this weird streak in
them. As a result we have spent many a strange
afternoon sitting in front of one another
lightly touching each others face at the same
time to see who would 'break' first. It truly
is a game with no winners, just two very sad,
demented-looking losers..." (unloved)
* EIGHT-LEGGED FEAR MACHINE - "I'm 7. It's high
summer and I'm on my Auntie's farm, playing
with my cousins. The sun is hot, the barn is
cool. We are climbing the big, stacked, plastic
sacks of animal feed that reach nearly to the
rafters. A perfect game, an idyllic scene.
Chased to the top, I had seemingly vanished: my
lithe 7-year-old frame had posted itself down a
2-foot square gap in the centre of the pile,
and slid about 20 feet to the bottom. I was ok.
Arms and bare legs scratched but the gap was so
tight that my descent was not so rapid. After
much laughter and reassurance, the older girls
ran to get Uncle Gerard and a length of rope.
Alone in the tight dim space, my scratches are
becoming increasingly tickly. Then my eyes
adjust. I'm coated with house spiders. You saw
that coming, didn't you? They were in my long,
thick Irish curls. They were in my t-shirt.
They were creeping up my shorts. Bare-foot I
was stood in an sea of the bastards. They were
still abseiling down onto my upturned face, my
ears, my nostrils, sticking to my tears. I kept
my mouth clamped shut. You know that dry,
crackling sound when you rip spider's web? Every
movement I made. I was alone and unable to move
down there for the longest 10 minutes of my
life. I don't remember my rescue, I must have
blocked it out. There are photos of me being
hosed down by my Auntie to remove them. No-one
ran to hug the spider-child. Apparently I did
not open my mouth, not even to eat or drink,
for almost two days. I did not speak for a
week, catatonic, but screamed in my sleep.
No-one played in the barn again, not even the
boys. I got over it, and maintain just a
healthy mistrust of spiders. I don't like the
hunch of their legs. But if I get a web stuck
over my face..." (hahasnakes)
* DOING ALRIGHT WITH THE BOYS - "Tell us what
innocent things make you go pale, wobbly and
send shivers down your spine"... I'd be
interested to ask Gary Glitter that same
question." (K2k6)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your stories about the kiddies.
Either you love 'em or you hate 'em. Or in the
case of Fred West - both. Tell us about the
ankle-biters here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/kids/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Trailer trash mugshots <<
If we believe the movies then we believe that
all Americans are really good-looking. Wrong.
This parade of rednecks and freaks could give
Karen Matthews and her a family a run for their
money. If we didn't have the rest of the
newsletter to write, we'd still be clicking
'previous page' and going, "OMG" until we
needed a wee wee so much that it hurt.
http://mugshotdujour.com/
>> Maddie books? <<
Amused to find this selection of books on
Amazon, the titles alone tell a rather dark
little story: Maddie Tries to Be Good, Maddie
in Hospital, Maddie in Danger and our favourite
Maddie Surfs for Cyber-Pals. Wonder if they're
still selling, or the authors are currently
tearing their hair out at the unfortunate
coincidence. We're looking forward to their
next efforts, "Shannon buys some cigs from
Iceland (they're 8p cheaper you know)."
http://snipurl.com/we-have-found-maddie
>> The world's most unlistenable song? <<
Research suggests that the most unappealing
music includes kids singing, songs about
Christmas and holidays, and of course opera. So
what not try and combine them into an unholy
cacophony? The irony is of course, the results
are rather compelling. And sound like one of
Malcolm McLaren's post-punk efforts - rapping
opera? Didn't he do that in Madame Butterfly?
A 25-minute endurance test for your iPod anyway.
http://www.artsjournal.com/quickstudy/2008/04/yo_y...
>> Disposal camera art project <<
Guy attaches a disposable camera to a bench for
people to use and collects the film that
evening - these are the results. Not the most
exciting results, but the concept is so lovely
that we feel compelled to tell you about it.
Maybe you'd like to try this on your local
tramp bench?
http://theplug.net/28/strangerphotos.htm
>> Steve Albini mega-thread <<
Music nerds might remember the name Albini, he
famously produced Nirvana's In Utero and was
flavour-of-the-month in the mid 90s. He's still
recording, but he's also a massive poker fan
and hangs out on poker forums shooting the shit
with other card nerds, including this great 50
page+ thread where he answers peoples
questions. Highlights include ragging on Liz
Phair (getting her tits out to sell records),
Billy Coogan (annoying people on the local
scene) and Urge Overkill (not be able to play
their instruments.) He's also passionate about
tape vs digital and the recording process in
general. Highly recommended reading to anyone
interested in making music. BTW: The board
deteriorates about halfway through, when external
sites start linking to it and Steve starts
refusing to answer except in haiku form.
http://snipurl.com/steveblitherson
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Not containing leopards, this week or any week
>> YouTube comments song <<
Entire track made up from comments solicited
from YouTube users. A lyrical masterpiece, as
you might expect.
http://b3ta.com/links/A_entire_song_made_from_Yout...
>> Cats: Engineer's guide <<
It's the monotone delivery that makes this
deadpan guide to pet keeping so effective.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/An_Engineers_Guide_to_Ca...
>> High-tech Noon <<
Pretty much the original Gary Cooper film with
a few small visual and audio effects added to
tell the tale of a lone marshal vs a gang
robot killers. We'd love to see this done with
some other movies. When Harry Met Sally maybe.
Hmm. Perhaps not.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/High_Tech_Noon
>> Cat playing a theramin <<
Aww. Bless the little kitty. She has no idea
what's going on but hears the squealing and
assumes she's chewing on something alive.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/cat_playing_a_theramin
>> Microsoft cod-Springsteen <<
Hard to say if this is authentic; it looks like
a video for the MS sales team based on Bruce
Springsteen's Dancing in the Dark.
Simultaneously glossy, competently-made and
lacking any sort of conviction whatsoever.
http://snipurl.com/vistasong
>> Burning shopping trolley robot <<
Yes, it's a trolley pushed by staggering robot
legs that are wreathed in flame. What's most
surprising is how few passers-by even take
notice of what resembles a casualty of some
futuristic automated battle.
http://b3ta.com/links/179738
>> All about the Stylophone <<
Enthusiast Brett Domino explains the history
and workings of the cult musical instrument.
Entertaining tripe.
http://snipurl.com/stylophonebastard
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
More dated 80s schoolyard lols
* MAIL ON SUNDAY - Flo Rida, gangster rapper,
rhyming for Middle England, in the best-named
album since Beyonce did 'B-Day'.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mail_on_Sunday_%28alb...
* PHALLIC LOGO AWARDS, LATE ENTRY - Nivan
spooges, "A penis draws itself in front of
you!?" Weirdly looks like it's about to come,
but then the semen draws back into the shaft,
as if expertly manipulated by Sting.
* STOP SMOKING AIDS - we thought it gave you
cancer.
http://i28.tinypic.com/adkx3l.jpg
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Future Advertising
Challenge
Last week we wanted you predict the
future of advertising.
Your favourites included:
* DYSON - everyone's favourite domestic
cleaning company branch out into lady hygiene
(dbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8275185
* TESCO - a terrifying glimpse into the future
of b3ta, unwittingly revealing its corporate
ambitions (Beejster)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8271577
* GILLETTE - it's only a matter of time
(Wildyles)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8270304
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/advertising_future/
>> New challenge: The Beatles <<
They're the most iconic band of all time, and
ripe for photoshopping. So that's the
challenge. Simple.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/beatles/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* DARTH VADER QOTW BLOKE FAME - Terry Eden
mechanically wheezes, "You may remember me as
the rather silly boy who got married as Darth
Vader. Thanks to the wonders of the Intertubes,
our story got picked up by purveyors of tat
extraordinaire, Full House Magazine! BTW: My
wife would like it noted that she is 25, not
26."
http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/post127469
http://flickr.com/photos/edent/2413507665/sizes/l/
* STARBUCKS VS MCDONALDS, digignome vomits, "I
maintain that McDonalds is still the clear
winner, since one can buy four Double
Cheeseburgers for the princely sum of £4.76 and
consume a whopping 1,780 calories and 88g of
fat (44g saturated). I can't find reliable
prices for Starbucks, but their most
calorific drink is apparently the "White Cocoa
Breve w/Whip, Venti", at a fantastic 1070
calories. And I'll wager half a nut you can't
buy two for a fiver. Another triumph for the
Golden Arches."
* SUPER TOASTER, our request for a toaster with
bigger springs prompted JimM to burble,
"Hello! You asked for toaster modifications, so
here goes. I did it a few years ago." Hurrah.
http://www.srimech.com/toaster/toaster.html
* HIDING IMAGES IN AUDIO - our mention of this
last week provoked a couple of members to
attempt their own experiments, including B3ta
jukebox favourites - Status Quo.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8285596
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PILLOW STAIN ANALYSIS - krang enquires, "You
know when you change your pillowcase, and there
are always brown-yellow stains on the pillows
themselves - what are those stains? My
girlfriend says that they're from when you
spill tea when you're in bed, but I reckon
they're some far more sinister residue made of
a combination of snot, dribble, earwax and
tears. Anyone have any empirical evidence on
this? Anyone want to find out?" Our bet: it's
all down to pillow-biting.
* ATM FRAUD QUESTION - Sn0tters wonders,
"Supposedly if your withdraw cash from an ATM
and do not physically remove the cash then
after a certain amount of time the cash is
sucked back in to the machine and your account
is not debited. Is it possible to get someone
to try taking out, say £50 and then slide out
the middle £20, leaving £30 to be sucked back
in and then see if their account is not
debited?"
* PENIS SHADOWS - draw a cock on a lampshade to
make a penis shadow for a wall. Maybe at your
mum's house?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by chiff_chiff,
Malchick, Walrus Man, Fishcat, rodmansell,
nivan, qwghlm, and ali_way_2k. Random Proverb
Generators by Happosai, Burton Earny,
notenglishthankgod, hctc, Littlebuddy, Krog3r,
akx, Canazza. Top Tippery by Jeccy. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Mastheadlols: ccc.
Subjlols: Joe Scaramanga.
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TOP TIP:
Increase office morale with a simple game. Wait
until the person sitting next to you is paying
attention to whatever they are doing, then
sneakily try to remove something from their
person. Carry on until the other person spots
you and freaks.
At this point, jump up and shout "BUCKAROO!" as
loud as you can, much to the obvious delight of
your work colleagues.
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SICKIPEDIA:
Police are investigating the bigger picture of
Mark Speight's death. It was sent in by 11 year
old Susie from Reading.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
