NEWSLETTER: "PANIC BUY PETROL - IT'S ABOUT TO RUN OUT!"
This Week:
* QUIZ - How many crap sequels?
* FACTS - What Glaswegian really eat
* SALMON - Ye olde dishwasher trick
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "£65 to see Stevie Wonder
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | on Tour? He must have
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| seen us coming..."
B3ta email 332 - 13 Jun 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue332/
Resigning Tories: [email protected]
All the others: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Drag and drop world
Called "amazing" and "thought provoking" by the
wisdom of Youtube reviewers, we would like to
teach you about the dangers of going outside.
http://youtube.com/watch
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Sequels, munchies and salmon
>> How many sequels did they make? <<
If there was any justice in the world, monkeon
would be a multimillionaire from his webby
genius. Actually, he's quite reclusive so, for
all we know, he already is. Anyway, he has this
week emerged from his mountain fastness bearing
yet another item of quality. Guess how many
sequels they made from these major film
franchises. The results surprised us.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/sequels/
>> What is a Munchy Box? <<
Thanks be to Jared Earle for initiating us into
the mystery of cuisine in the towns and
villages surrounding Glasgow. A Munchy Box is a
fucking enormous tub of takeaway meat - feast
your eyes!
http://blog.23x.net/
>> Salmon in a dishwasher <<
"Hey up," beams a suspiciously chipper Tom
Scott. And sure enough, he's up to no good.
"Inspired by your Breville sweets last week,
I've started the 'unusual cookery' thing again.
This time,I'm testing the urban legend about
poaching salmon in a dishwasher," he explains.
And with his landlord's dishwasher too.
http://www.tomscott.com/salmon
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
How to get yourself dumped
Last week we asked about getting dumped, and
frankly the stories were so depressing that
we're not going to quote any of the in the
newsletter.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/pleasereleaseme/
>> Accidental innuendos <<
Thankfully we've got a cheerful topic this week
- accidental innuendos, with respect to a time
we we worked a woman we used to work with
walked into a car workshop to get her
windscreen replaced, and uttered the immortal
line, "Have you seen the size of my crack?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/innuendo/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> "I dug up a NAZI BUNKER!" <<
The only thing we've ever dug up is a few clay
pipes, and the only thing we remember burying
is a load of undelivered newspapers and a
family cat. Dreadful paper boys that we were.
But imagine the sheer joy of uncovering a Nazi
bunker in the back garden. It's in Jersey, so
it probably makes a change from digging up kids.
http://gardenbunker.blogspot.com/2008/06/backgroun...
>> Nihilistic comedian website <<
Miserabilist magician Jerry Sadowitz is known
for his sharp temper and jaded eye. But the
misanthropic tone of his site makes for
genuinely uncomfortable reading. It looks like
he actually is seriously depressed and has
given up on the world. Hang out with us Jerry!
We'll make you a lovely cup of tea and then rip
off your jokes for next week's newsletter.
http://www.jerrysadowitz.com/
>> Porn for the blind <<
Quite how we've missed this for so long we have
no idea. Internet pornography read out loud for
the enjoyment of the sight-impaired. We liked
the readers' occasionally audible efforts to
suppress sniggers and the rendition of
2girls1cup is a highlight.
http://pornfortheblind.org/
>> Phone sex operators <<
A mate of ours works does back-end stuff (ho
ho) for a phone sex line and once mentioned
that all calls are recorded for legal reasons.
Less legally, the more amusing ones are emailed
around the office as MP3s for everyone to
listen to. Despite our begging, he won't
release this info for B3ta. So here instead are
some rather thought-provoking and nicely-shot
photos of the people who answer the phones in
such operations.
http://snipurl.com/youwontbewankingnow [www_themorningnews_org]
>> How to make photos more interesting <<
Speaking as internationally-obscure internet
celebs, hardly a day goes by without some lowly
punter stopping us in the street and asking us
to pose with them for a photograph. This guy
has the right idea on how to liven up the
rather stilted compositions that often result.
He gets them to stage a fist fight with him -
awesome.
http://www.steveharwood.com/punch.htm
>> How long would you live in space? <<
Calculates your expected life-span on exiting
shuttle's the airlock doors, based on your
health and physical condition. Not to spoil it,
but people tend not to last too long,
unprotected in a total vacuum.
http://www.oneplusyou.com/q/v/space_vacuum
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Pigs in boots
Cinders the piglet was too frightened to frolic
in the muddy puddles with her brothers and
sisters. That is until the farmer found some
tiny boots to protect her dainty trotters. We
thought it was supposed to be beef wellington -
not pork!
http://snipurl.com/dailynazi [www_dailymail_co_uk]
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Providing YouTube with .000000001% of ad profits
>> Tori Amos was cornflake girl <<
Tori claimed that it was a complex metaphor for
female circumcision when she brought the song
out - and we believed her. Well that's as may
be, but it could also be a reference to
17-year-old Tori starring in an ad for
breakfast cereal.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> 'Driving on salvia' <<
Likeable dude tries to teach you how to handle
a vehicle while under the effects of powerful,
psychoactive drugs. Hilarious ending. Say no to
drugs, kids.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/194664
>> Chav vs. wall <<
Foolish kid trying to kick his way through a
concrete wall while his mates yell
encouragement. Nonetheless, the ending made us
flinch in grudging sympathy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/194111
>> Radiohead's 'Nude' on computer parts <<
Redundant bits of computer hardware made to
belt out a slightly obscure Radiohead track.
Really cleverly done, the attention to detail
is phenomenal. Mind you, it could lose a bit of
the ZX Spectrum loading sequence at the start.
http://www.vimeo.com/1109226
>> Requiem for a wardrobe <<
One-man musical comedy double act Dan and Dan
sings goodbye to the clothes of his youth. He
actually emailed in some stuff this week but we
caught a glimpse of this vid and loved it -
loved it - so much so that we couldn't resist
sticking it in instead.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> The Butterfield diet <<
Learn how to lose weight now, with this
infallible fad diet. The 'treat day' sequence
is well worth the wait. Short clip from Peter
Serafinowicz's BBC show of last year,
illustrating the irony of publicising TV shows
on the web: people realise how good you are
well after the broadcast.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
OMG! I is B3ta on fire!
To celebrate our website fire we've made a
lovely shirt, full of ascii flames. Buy it, so
that we can afford more dangerous stuff that
burns.
http://snipurl.com/cisco_inferno [printshop_co_uk]
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: HOW TO MAKE YOUR H20 FIZZ
Bring your water to the slaughter
Last week we asked, Is there such thing as a
pill or some other system to make ordinary tap
water into fizzy water?"
* DRY ICE - Humpty writes, "Pop a wee lump of
dry ice in your (tough) bottle, screw the cap
on and wait for the dry ice to sublime. As the
dry ice becomes gaseous CO2, the built-up
pressure will carbonate the water. Think of it
as an inherently dangerous SodaStream.
Disadvantages:
1. Using too much dry ice or a weak bottle will
usually result in a powerful and explosive
decompression of the bottle.
2. Carrying lumps of dry ice around is just
silly and it'll burn your winkie if you try to
keep it in your pocket.
* IDROLITINA. According to Zwack, "The Italians
have this stuff called Idrolitina, a white
powder that comes in paper sachets in a
charmingly antiquated box. It claims to make
tap water taste like expensive bottled water
but it actually makes it taste pretty metallic
and unappealing. It definitely makes it fizzy
though."
* SODASTREAM. About 25 of you wrote in to
mention this dreadful and, frankly, common
device from the 1970s. Pah.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Tart Cards Challenge
Last week we wanted you to advertise
celebrity prostitutes.
Your favourites included:
* B3TA - guaranteed to go down just when you
least expect it. (strontium190 - who's clearly
a cunt for giving Rob a Birmingham phone number)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8437818
* ANNE FRANK - running a business while hiding
from the Nazis (Leningrad)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8436775
* HELEN KELLER - offered a service that was
nothing if not discreet (Mighty Nibus)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8437526
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/famoustartcards/
>> New challenge: Cooking with B3ta <<
Think you're good in the kitchen? THEN
PROVE IT! Bake us up something tasty and
post the results. Extra points for entries
involving cakes, food dye, orange chocolate
etc. Challenge suggested by We are the lime.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cooking/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* COCK-TOUCHING GAME II - Steven Morrissey
confides, "Put your fingers down your pants and
touch your balls, cock, vaginal lip or clit.
Shove your fingers in the face of the person to
the left. See if they can tell which it was
just by sniffing. If you fail take a drink.
Sometimes we play dirty by buying prawn
cocktail or cheese and onion crisps." Students!
* AWFUL FOOD CHALLENGE - "In response to your
sweets in a Breville article," confesses Ash.
"Similarly awful results can be had by putting
various savoury foodstuffs into a chocolate
fountain."
* GOOGLE ADS gone mental. Olembe points out
this gem that Google stuck at the end of last
week's newsletter on the site. Wonder how many
clickthroughs that managed.
http://drianwalker.com/b3ta_ad_wtf.png
* ALL-MEAT DIET - iwantbilly claims, "My mate
tried the all-meat diet after another guy
turned veggie. He spent at least 5 hours at
Tesco checking labels for 'Not suitable for
vegetarians'. Turned out after a few meals of
steak with steak and chicken wrapped in bacon,
with sausage for pudding, he puked nothing but
brown chunks that smelt of rotting foetuses."
No info on what happened to the vegetarian
bloke. Probably similar.
Daveywakelin tells a different tale; "During my
exams recently at Uni I took the decision that
I couldn't be arsed to cook vegetables. They
are inferior to meat after all. After a month
of eating purely bacon/turkey
steaks/steak/chicken/pork for every meal, I can
honestly say my bowels are mush. Although it
was very satisfying and my exams marks have
been good!" Yay!
* FAKE PICTURE ON B3TA - Shockingly, the
amusing cover of Parents magazine we featured
last week was in fact a big fat fake. Thanks to
the literally many, many people who wrote in to
hoot and jeer at our foolishness. It's a shame
we can't name you all but, as someone pointed
out, there'd be no room in the newsletter for
'owt else.
http://www.snopes.com/photos/risque/parents.asp
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: FRIDAY GAME
Doodle Defender
Arcade classic with a twist - you get to design
what the ships look like. Yes, ours was a
shoot-out between crudely-drawn cocks. You
perhaps were expecting us to say that.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Doodle_defender
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Here's some ideas we've had recently that are
quite good but we can't be arsed to actually do.
* AVERAGE FILM-LENGTH GRAPH - take the top 100
movies from each year on IMDB and plot some
science to see if films have got shorter.
* TOP TEN BOOKS BY MODELS - Sophie Dahl, Naomi
Campbell and Katie Price. What do these women
have in common? As well as exciting Mr Spitty,
they've all contributed to culture by producing
works of literary fiction. There must be a list in
this, but we ran out of ideas to fill in the
other seven.
* HACE INVADERS - a version of Space Invaders
starring badly cut-out gifs of Hale and Pace.
Possibly with their 'comedy' record, Do the
Stonk as a backing track.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by alex, sir loafalot,
TommyShanks, pter, supermarioduvet, Foo_Kinnell.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols from The Great Architect.
B3ta: Site of the Year 2003, Web User Magazine
(New Zealand edition)
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TOP TIP:
"My dear mother always said that you shouldn't
go food shopping on an empty stomach. And do
you know, she was right. So, herewith my top
tip - before going on that Internet dating
site, have a wank." (purplegod)
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SICKIPEDIA:
I don't know what's happening in this country.
You've got school children dressing like whores
and whores dressing like school children. It's
a nightmare - you don't know whether to carry
sweets or money.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
