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This Week:
* QUIZ - How many crap sequels?
* FACTS - What Glaswegian really eat
* SALMON - Ye olde dishwasher trick

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "£65 to see Stevie Wonder
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  on Tour? He must have  
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  seen us coming..."

B3ta email 332 - 13 Jun 2008

Read this issue in your browser:

Resigning Tories:  [email protected]
All the others:  [email protected]

  Drag and drop world

  Called "amazing" and "thought provoking" by the
  wisdom of Youtube reviewers, we would like to
  teach you about the dangers of going outside.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Sequels, munchies and salmon

  >> How many sequels did they make? <<
  If there was any justice in the world, monkeon
  would be a multimillionaire from his webby
  genius. Actually, he's quite reclusive so, for
  all we know, he already is. Anyway, he has this
  week emerged from his mountain fastness bearing
  yet another item of quality. Guess how many
  sequels they made from these major film
  franchises. The results surprised us.

  >> What is a Munchy Box? <<
  Thanks be to Jared Earle for initiating us into
  the mystery of cuisine in the towns and
  villages surrounding Glasgow. A Munchy Box is a
  fucking enormous tub of takeaway meat - feast
  your eyes!

  >> Salmon in a dishwasher <<
  "Hey up," beams a suspiciously chipper Tom
  Scott. And sure enough, he's up to no good.
  "Inspired by your Breville sweets last week,
  I've started the 'unusual cookery' thing again.
  This time,I'm testing the urban legend about
  poaching salmon in a dishwasher," he explains.
  And with his landlord's dishwasher too.


  How to get yourself dumped

  Last week we asked about getting dumped, and
  frankly the stories were so depressing that
  we're not going to quote any of the in the

  >> Accidental innuendos <<
  Thankfully we've got a cheerful topic this week
  - accidental innuendos, with respect to a time
  we we worked a woman we used to work with
  walked into a car workshop to get her
  windscreen replaced, and uttered the immortal
  line, "Have you seen the size of my crack?


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> "I dug up a NAZI BUNKER!" <<
  The only thing we've ever dug up is a few clay
  pipes, and the only thing we remember burying
  is a load of undelivered newspapers and a
  family cat. Dreadful paper boys that we were.
  But imagine the sheer joy of uncovering a Nazi
  bunker in the back garden. It's in Jersey, so
  it probably makes a change from digging up kids.

  >> Nihilistic comedian website <<
  Miserabilist magician Jerry Sadowitz is known
  for his sharp temper and jaded eye. But the
  misanthropic tone of his site makes for
  genuinely uncomfortable reading. It looks like
  he actually is seriously depressed and has
  given up on the world. Hang out with us Jerry!
  We'll make you a lovely cup of tea and then rip
  off your jokes for next week's newsletter.

  >> Porn for the blind <<
  Quite how we've missed this for so long we have
  no idea. Internet pornography read out loud for
  the enjoyment of the sight-impaired. We liked
  the readers' occasionally audible efforts to
  suppress sniggers and the rendition of
  2girls1cup is a highlight.

  >> Phone sex operators <<
  A mate of ours works does back-end stuff (ho
  ho) for a phone sex line and once mentioned
  that all calls are recorded for legal reasons.
  Less legally, the more amusing ones are emailed
  around the office as MP3s for everyone to
  listen to. Despite our begging, he won't
  release this info for B3ta. So here instead are
  some rather thought-provoking and nicely-shot
  photos of the people who answer the phones in
  such operations.
http://snipurl.com/youwontbewankingnow  [www_themorningnews_org] 

  >> How to make photos more interesting <<
  Speaking as internationally-obscure internet
  celebs, hardly a day goes by without some lowly
  punter stopping us in the street and asking us
  to pose with them for a photograph. This guy
  has the right idea on how to liven up the
  rather stilted compositions that often result.
  He gets them to stage a fist fight with him -

  >> How long would you live in space? <<
  Calculates your expected life-span on exiting
  shuttle's the airlock doors, based on your
  health and physical condition. Not to spoil it,
  but people tend not to last too long,
  unprotected in a total vacuum.


  Pigs in boots

  Cinders the piglet was too frightened to frolic
  in the muddy puddles with her brothers and
  sisters. That is until the farmer found some
  tiny boots to protect her dainty trotters. We
  thought it was supposed to be beef wellington -
  not pork! 
http://snipurl.com/dailynazi  [www_dailymail_co_uk] 


  Providing YouTube with .000000001% of ad profits

  >> Tori Amos was cornflake girl <<
  Tori claimed that it was a complex metaphor for
  female circumcision when she brought the song
  out - and we believed her. Well that's as may
  be, but it could also be a reference to
  17-year-old Tori starring in an ad for
  breakfast cereal.

  >> 'Driving on salvia' <<
  Likeable dude tries to teach you how to handle
  a vehicle while under the effects of powerful,
  psychoactive drugs. Hilarious ending. Say no to
  drugs, kids.

  >> Chav vs. wall <<
  Foolish kid trying to kick his way through a
  concrete wall while his mates yell
  encouragement. Nonetheless, the ending made us
  flinch in grudging sympathy.

  >> Radiohead's 'Nude' on computer parts <<
  Redundant bits of computer hardware made to
  belt out a slightly obscure Radiohead track.
  Really cleverly done, the attention to detail
  is phenomenal. Mind you, it could lose a bit of
  the ZX Spectrum loading sequence at the start.

  >> Requiem for a wardrobe <<
  One-man musical comedy double act Dan and Dan
  sings goodbye to the clothes of his youth. He
  actually emailed in some stuff this week but we
  caught a glimpse of this vid and loved it -
  loved it - so much so that we couldn't resist
  sticking it in instead.

  >> The Butterfield diet <<
  Learn how to lose weight now, with this
  infallible fad diet. The 'treat day' sequence
  is well worth the wait. Short clip from Peter
  Serafinowicz's BBC show of last year,
  illustrating the irony of publicising TV shows
  on the web: people realise how good you are
  well after the broadcast.


  OMG! I is B3ta on fire!

  To celebrate our website fire we've made a
  lovely shirt, full of ascii flames. Buy it, so
  that we can afford more dangerous stuff that
http://snipurl.com/cisco_inferno  [printshop_co_uk] 


  Bring your water to the slaughter

  Last week we asked, Is there such thing as a
  pill or some other system to make ordinary tap
  water into fizzy water?"

  * DRY ICE - Humpty writes, "Pop a wee lump of
  dry ice in your (tough) bottle, screw the cap
  on and wait for the dry ice to sublime. As the
  dry ice becomes gaseous CO2, the built-up
  pressure will carbonate the water. Think of it
  as an inherently dangerous SodaStream.


  1. Using too much dry ice or a weak bottle will
  usually result in a powerful and explosive
  decompression of the bottle.

  2. Carrying lumps of dry ice around is just
  silly and it'll burn your winkie if you try to
  keep it in your pocket.
  * IDROLITINA. According to Zwack, "The Italians
  have this stuff called Idrolitina, a white
  powder that comes in paper sachets in a
  charmingly antiquated box. It claims to make
  tap water taste like expensive bottled water
  but it actually makes it taste pretty metallic
  and unappealing. It definitely makes it fizzy

  * SODASTREAM. About 25 of you wrote in to
  mention this dreadful and, frankly, common
  device from the 1970s. Pah.


  Results from the Tart Cards Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to advertise
  celebrity prostitutes.

  Your favourites included:
  * B3TA - guaranteed to go down just when you
  least expect it. (strontium190 - who's clearly
  a cunt for giving Rob a Birmingham phone number)

  * ANNE FRANK - running a business while hiding
  from the Nazis (Leningrad)

  * HELEN KELLER - offered a service that was
  nothing if not discreet (Mighty Nibus)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Cooking with B3ta <<
  Think you're good in the kitchen? THEN 
  PROVE IT! Bake us up something tasty and 
  post the results. Extra points for entries 
  involving cakes, food dye, orange chocolate 
  etc. Challenge suggested by We are the lime.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * COCK-TOUCHING GAME II - Steven Morrissey
  confides, "Put your fingers down your pants and
  touch your balls, cock, vaginal lip or clit.
  Shove your fingers in the face of the person to
  the left. See if they can tell which it was
  just by sniffing. If you fail take a drink.
  Sometimes we play dirty by buying prawn
  cocktail or cheese and onion crisps." Students! 
  * AWFUL FOOD CHALLENGE - "In response to your
  sweets in a Breville article," confesses Ash.
  "Similarly awful results can be had by putting
  various savoury foodstuffs into a chocolate

  * GOOGLE ADS gone mental. Olembe points out
  this gem that Google stuck at the end of last
  week's newsletter on the site. Wonder how many
  clickthroughs that managed.

  * ALL-MEAT DIET - iwantbilly claims, "My mate
  tried the all-meat diet after another guy
  turned veggie. He spent at least 5 hours at
  Tesco checking labels for 'Not suitable for
  vegetarians'. Turned out after a few meals of
  steak with steak and chicken wrapped in bacon,
  with sausage for pudding, he puked nothing but
  brown chunks that smelt of rotting foetuses."
  No info on what happened to the vegetarian
  bloke. Probably similar.

  Daveywakelin tells a different tale; "During my
  exams recently at Uni I took the decision that
  I couldn't be arsed to cook vegetables. They
  are inferior to meat after all. After a month
  of eating purely bacon/turkey
  steaks/steak/chicken/pork for every meal, I can
  honestly say my bowels are mush. Although it
  was very satisfying and my exams marks have
  been good!" Yay!

  * FAKE PICTURE ON B3TA - Shockingly, the
  amusing cover of Parents magazine we featured
  last week was in fact a big fat fake. Thanks to
  the literally many, many people who wrote in to
  hoot and jeer at our foolishness. It's a shame
  we can't name you all but, as someone pointed
  out, there'd be no room in the newsletter for
  'owt else.


  Doodle Defender

  Arcade classic with a twist - you get to design
  what the ships look like. Yes, ours was a
  shoot-out between crudely-drawn cocks. You
  perhaps were expecting us to say that.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Here's some ideas we've had recently that are
  quite good but we can't be arsed to actually do.

  * AVERAGE FILM-LENGTH GRAPH - take the top 100
  movies from each year on IMDB and plot some
  science to see if films have got shorter. 

  * TOP TEN BOOKS BY MODELS - Sophie Dahl, Naomi
  Campbell and Katie Price. What do these women
  have in common? As well as exciting Mr Spitty,
  they've all contributed to culture by producing
  works of literary fiction. There must be a list in
  this, but we ran out of ideas to fill in the
  other seven.
 * HACE INVADERS - a version of Space Invaders
 starring badly cut-out gifs of Hale and Pace.
 Possibly with their 'comedy' record, Do the
 Stonk as a backing track. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by alex, sir loafalot,
  TommyShanks, pter, supermarioduvet, Foo_Kinnell.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols from The Great Architect.

  B3ta: Site of the Year 2003, Web User Magazine
  (New Zealand edition)

  "My dear mother always said that you shouldn't
  go food shopping on an empty stomach. And do
  you know, she was right. So, herewith my top
  tip - before going on that Internet dating
  site, have a wank." (purplegod)



  I don't know what's happening in this country.
  You've got school children dressing like whores
  and whores dressing like school children. It's
  a nightmare - you don't know whether to carry
  sweets or money.

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