NEWSLETTER: "IT'S FRIDAY! GO HOME!"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Touching tribute to Peter Andre
* SLOW MOTION - Joel slobbers for lols
* ADVERTISNG - riffing on 2 Girls 1 Cup?
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | at the dispiritingly
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| low rate of 1.84% AER"
B3ta email 378 - 14 May 2009
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue378/
Webcameron: [email protected]
Brownscape: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Experience Matters
How to guarantee yourself a seat on the tube.
http://tinyurl.com/puzvhn
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Send us an electronic-email:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than wanking in socks
>> Cardboard Peter Andre <<
A full-on reimagining of Peter Andre and
Bubbler Ranks classic Mysterious Girl, by
npollicott. Like watching the original after
washing down your codeine with whisky chaser.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Flapping our lips in slo-mo <<
Short but sweet song from Joel and crew. Does
just what it says on the tin. Very, very sexy.
http://rathergood.com/lips
>> Stuttr <<
"Look," ejaculates madsporkmurderer. "I've made
Stuttr: the Web 2.0 speech impediment
simulator. It's kind of like the 'put bacon on
any website' thing, but with less bacon and
more speech impediment."
http://snurl.com/stutterrap
>> Pring My Ride <<
"Transform your old school wheels into a
super-rad street hog that's guaranteed to get
the ladies queuing for a ride," boasts an
excited nickhearne. Who are we to disagree?
http://snurl.com/pringlemydingle
>> Goths melting in the sun <<
If you, like us, imagined that goths migrate
north for the summer, Tom Lenham is here to
educate you. Sweaty.
http://gothsinhotweather.blogspot.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Gambling
Last week we asked for your stupidest bets.
Worth clicking for TheMagicDwarf's story of
Monty, the 6ft penny-pissing-penguin:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gambling/
* SUICIDE LOTTERY - "The best game ever, and
it's free: wait for the lottery program to come
on, and then get a piece of paper each, and
write down six numbers. Here's the important
bit - at no point must you have bought a
ticket. To put it simply: you've got your
lottery numbers, but no ticket. Then watch the
results. Hoping and praying your numbers don't
come up. It's brilliant. Got the first three
numbers once, and I thought my heart was going
to explode." (inflateable)
* FREE DINNER - "There may be no such thing as
a free lunch, but Milton Friedman failed to
mention a free dinner. My student halls of
residence were right opposite a casino and we
soon worked out that it stayed open until four
am, and, as long as you behaved yourself, they
were more than happy to serve you beer until
then. The only proviso was that you had to
change up about £10 worth of chips. One evening
an older guy in a sharp suit and shiny shoes
turned up, changed up £100 worth of chips, and
sat at the blackjack table with all the staff
flapping round him, getting him drinks, snacks
and finally a big plate of steak and chips.
This was too much to bear. Steak is
unobtainable to almost all students and the
idea of a big juicy steak was irresistible. I
had to get some, and soon. There was another
casino about a 15 minute walk away so the next
day I shaved, got my suit on, polished my
shoes, even ironed a shirt. I walked into the
casino, changed up my entire bank balance -
£255. This really put the shitters up the
staff: at the bar I was offered a beer, which I
took, then the manager came over, introduced
himself and handed me the restaurant menu. One
ribeye steak rare and chips and peas please. I
sit at the bar biding my time, acting cool. My
dinner arrives. I eat it all. I meander over to
the blackjack table, play the sum total of 2
hands, lose both, change my chips up and leave
two quid poorer but one dinner and two pints
richer. I managed this charade once a week,
alternating between the casinos for a couple of
months before the manager collared me for
taking the piss." (Anthropos)
* U-S-A! U-S-A! - "I went to school with a
fantastically patriotic American girl called
Allison. Watching the Sydney Olympics 4x100m
men's relay freestyle swimming, I made the
mistake of casually remarking, after the first
swimmers had nearly completed their leg, that
the Australians would go on to win the race.
Immediately Allison leapt on my comments,
calling me names and accusing me of
anti-American bias and of not knowing anything
about swimming. I'm not the biggest gambler in
the world, but I was confident about the
Australians and we bet £10 on it. The
Australians spanked the USA by a country mile,
and I duly collected my winnings. Allison's
experience taught me a valuable lesson: never
let your heart overrule your head when
gambling. Oh, and make sure that what you're
betting on isn't in fact a replay of a race
that happened earlier in the day, that the
person you are making the bet with hasn't
already seen the result and that they aren't
desperately trying not to giggle like a giddy
schoolgirl at the easiest money ever made."
(jimmy spankhands)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your stories of creative bullying.
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bullies/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Awesome pop-up PC <<
Lovely, creative pop-up pages from a 1980s book
about how computers work. What's not to love.
http://snurl.com/paperlessoffice
>> Kind of Bloop <<
If you love jazz, but prefer it played on some
sort of retro 8-bit soundcard, here's a project
you can really get behind. The guy is raising
money for a chiptune tribute to Miles Davis.
Such is demand that he reached his target of
$2000 in around 4 hours.
http://waxy.org/2009/05/kind_of_bloop/
>> Thatcher's funeral <<
Send the Queen postcards until she agrees to
make Thatcher pay for her own funeral. Lovely
heartwarming image on the front of the cards.
http://www.markthomasinfo.com/section_policy_updat...
>> Awkward family photos <<
Is there such a thing as a good family photo?
Someone's always blinking or grimacing or just
being a really ugly teenager. Here's a showcase
of other people's photographic misfortunes for
you to enjoy.
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com
>> Christmas Sweater Collection <<
Deadpan Dutchman models his extensive selection
of Christmas-themed jumpers. There are some
real bobbydazzlers in there.
http://www.christmassweatercollection.com/
>> Konami code sites <<
A surprising number of web designers have a
soft spot for the old Konami cheat code. Enter
it into their websites and reveal easter eggs
galore. 593 geekpoints if you actually remember
the code without googling.
http://konamicodesites.com/
>> 10 most pitiful Mr T products <<
Say what you like about Mr T, but he's got
other things on his mind than quality control.
Presenting some of the worst crap to ever bear
a man's name.
http://snurl.com/pitythetool
>> Wikipedia's gallery of filth <<
Anybody can contribute to wikipedia. Arguably,
the more specialised your interest, the better.
This fellow is a particularly prolific
contributor of sex-related drawings. And only
sex-related drawings.
http://snurl.com/seedfeederforwikipresident
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Now with broken 3D glasses
>> P.I.S.S <<
Glam rock massively improved by a bit of
surreal lip sync dubbing and an entirely new
musical direction.
http://bit.ly/17j3nP
>> No Asians, thankyou <<
Investigative journalist tracks down and
confronts a racist landlord.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Brilliant ventriloquist <<
Unexpectedly talented ventriloquist takes the
old variety act to an entirely different level.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Brilliant_vent_act
>> Demonic singing fish <<
Billy Bass batteries flat? We think not - this
is the sound of Satan yowling Do Wah Diddy
Diddy through the mouth of a plastic carp.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Demonic_Singing_Fish
>> Witches Direct <<
Proof that kids' TV is both sharper and funnier
than the slop we get served up at prime time -
here's how kids learn about 16th century
witch-hunts.
http://snurl.com/witchywoos
>> My Little Pony: the movie <<
Following Transformers on the
80s-child-franchise-to-crappy-blockbuster
bandwagon; rainbow-coloured fairy ponies on a
sinister spree to prove they are best of all
the animals.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_little_pony_the_movie
>> 2 Girls 1 Cup advert?! <<
Hats off to the brave ad execs at Oasis for the
first 2 Girls 1 Cup reference we've spotted in
an ad. And hats off also for keeping it
worksafe. BTW: We hear Pizza Hut's new TV spots
will feature a deep-filled Tubgirl.
http://rubberduckzilla.com/
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Lady clunge graphics
Helterry writes, "Nice as it is to look at
cock-related logos in the newsletter every
week, here's something for a change. I biked
past this lawyer's office this morning and
couldn't help thinking that the big picture on
their door looks suspiciously like a vag and
boobs..."
http://www.adankklostermann.nl/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Twitter Challenge
Last week we wanted you to 'shop all things
Twitter.
Your favourites included:
* BROWN - our hapless PM's latest attempt to
harness the power of new media (Vitalbalistix)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9433610
* GUSSET - precisely pinpointing the position
of Twitter (magictoast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9426165
* KELLER - America's foremost deaf-blind author
struggles with social networking (Mystery
Shopper)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9425689
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/twitter/
>> New challenge: Reinventing the Wheel <<
As Amazon release a new Kindle (Landfill
Edition) show us further examples of useless
future technology: cardboard boxes with digital
displays to tell you what's inside, rulers that
broadcast measurements using an electronic
voice... you get the idea. Challenge suggested
by HappyToast
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/reinventingthewheel/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MY POOR COCK - mugwump writes, "It was a
while back that someone suggested that if you
were injured and needed to have a wazz, an
empty fabric conditioner bottle is a perfect
receptacle. I can concur with this as I once
broke my leg and couldn't easily, at night,
make my way to the toilet. Empty bottle, wide
neck, pleasant smell.. perfect. Next time I
try it though, I will remember to thoroughly
rinse the bottle as that stuff causes a nasty
rash if you happen to get any on the end of
your manhood."
* DAN & DAN ON TV - we got to this email a bit
late but Dan writes, "Just thought you'd like
to know that Dan from Dan & Dan (many thanks
for the recent feature) will be appearing on
'Genius' tonight - BBC2, 10pm, Friday 1st May.
The whole evening was, as you can imagine, a
rather strange experience. There I was
bantering with Stewart Lee no less, and then
watching as my slightly demented idea was
staged in all its glory with the help of the
BBC props department. And a gospel choir."
Seeing as we missed promoing it, here's the
actual clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FRIDAY GAME
Today I Die
Strange, poetic game from Daniel Benmergui,
whose previous title "I Wish I Were the Moon"
caused much blinking from people who dismiss
flash gaming as a load of crap. His latest
work, "Today I Die" won't win awards for the
longest game in the world, and starting will
make you scratch your head, but once you suss
the dragging words about you'll be charmed.
http://ludomancy.com/games/today.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DILUTION GAME SHOW - DrPoppers pitches,
"people enter into a Dutch auction in regards
to a diluted substance and take it at the
lowest diluted level. Basic premise is how
diluted does shit/piss/spunk/snot/blood/tramp
juice etc need to be before someone will drink
it. It's a fucking winner I tells ya. I want
someone to make this and make me rich and
famous please and I think you're probably the
people to do it."
* FAKE FATTY AWARD - @gomark asks B3tards to
"compete for biggest/most convincing fatty
crown by stuffing their clothes. Pics or it
didn't happen."
* BUILD YOUR OWN MOAT - @bounder suggests, "MPs
have them, or at least claim to, so YOU deserve
a moat too. Dig a moat around your house and
fill it with piss."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Avast,
Lightguy, iainhasaface, Floppy Donkey, social
hand grenade, Captn Hood-Butter, Dave Gormano.
Top Tippery by EBudding. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. via Cakie Sickipedia via
dooran1981. Fine fellow thursday: @alnapp,
roekenny, @tseuq, @lastyearsgirl_, @pretprieel
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EXTREMELY DUBIOUS TOP TIP:
Prevent hangovers by making yourself a "Cup
Egg" before bedtime: 2 whisked eggs in a mug, a
slice of bread tucked in the side, butter - 3
min on microwave. Add hot sauce, bacon or
chocolate if you're particularly drunk.
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SICKIPEDIA:
Craig David is quitting his singing career to
join the British Olympic 2012 Archery team.
He's going to be their bow selector.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
