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This Week:
* VIDEO - Touching tribute to Peter Andre
* SLOW MOTION - Joel slobbers for lols
* ADVERTISNG - riffing on 2 Girls 1 Cup?

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're saving the web
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    at the dispiritingly 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  low rate of 1.84% AER"

B3ta email 378 - 14 May 2009

Read this issue in your browser:

      Webcameron:  [email protected]
    Brownscape:  [email protected]

  Experience Matters

  How to guarantee yourself a seat on the tube.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Send us an electronic-email:


  Other than wanking in socks

  >> Cardboard Peter Andre <<
  A full-on reimagining of Peter Andre and
  Bubbler Ranks classic Mysterious Girl, by
  npollicott. Like watching the original after
  washing down your codeine with whisky chaser.

  >> Flapping our lips in slo-mo <<
  Short but sweet song from Joel and crew. Does
  just what it says on the tin. Very, very sexy.

  >> Stuttr <<
  "Look," ejaculates madsporkmurderer. "I've made
  Stuttr: the Web 2.0 speech impediment
  simulator. It's kind of like the 'put bacon on
  any website' thing, but with less bacon and
  more speech impediment."

  >> Pring My Ride <<
  "Transform your old school wheels into a
  super-rad street hog that's guaranteed to get
  the ladies queuing for a ride," boasts an
  excited nickhearne. Who are we to disagree?

  >> Goths melting in the sun <<
  If you, like us, imagined that goths migrate
  north for the summer, Tom Lenham is here to
  educate you. Sweaty.



  Last week we asked for your stupidest bets.
  Worth clicking for TheMagicDwarf's story of
  Monty, the 6ft penny-pissing-penguin:

  * SUICIDE LOTTERY - "The best game ever, and
  it's free: wait for the lottery program to come
  on, and then get a piece of paper each, and
  write down six numbers. Here's the important
  bit - at no point must you have bought a
  ticket. To put it simply: you've got your
  lottery numbers, but no ticket. Then watch the
  results. Hoping and praying your numbers don't
  come up. It's brilliant. Got the first three
  numbers once, and I thought my heart was going
  to explode." (inflateable)
  * FREE DINNER - "There may be no such thing as
  a free lunch, but Milton Friedman failed to
  mention a free dinner. My student halls of
  residence were right opposite a casino and we
  soon worked out that it stayed open until four
  am, and, as long as you behaved yourself, they
  were more than happy to serve you beer until
  then. The only proviso was that you had to
  change up about £10 worth of chips. One evening
  an older guy in a sharp suit and shiny shoes
  turned up, changed up £100 worth of chips, and
  sat at the blackjack table with all the staff
  flapping round him, getting him drinks, snacks
  and finally a big plate of steak and chips.
  This was too much to bear. Steak is
  unobtainable to almost all students and the
  idea of a big juicy steak was irresistible. I
  had to get some, and soon. There was another
  casino about a 15 minute walk away so the next
  day I shaved, got my suit on, polished my
  shoes, even ironed a shirt. I walked into the
  casino, changed up my entire bank balance -
  £255. This really put the shitters up the
  staff: at the bar I was offered a beer, which I
  took, then the manager came over, introduced
  himself and handed me the restaurant menu. One
  ribeye steak rare and chips and peas please. I
  sit at the bar biding my time, acting cool. My
  dinner arrives. I eat it all. I meander over to
  the blackjack table, play the sum total of 2
  hands, lose both, change my chips up and leave
  two quid poorer but one dinner and two pints
  richer. I managed this charade once a week,
  alternating between the casinos for a couple of
  months before the manager collared me for
  taking the piss." (Anthropos)
  * U-S-A! U-S-A! - "I went to school with a
  fantastically patriotic American girl called
  Allison. Watching the Sydney Olympics 4x100m
  men's relay freestyle swimming, I made the
  mistake of casually remarking, after the first
  swimmers had nearly completed their leg, that
  the Australians would go on to win the race.
  Immediately Allison leapt on my comments,
  calling me names and accusing me of
  anti-American bias and of not knowing anything
  about swimming. I'm not the biggest gambler in
  the world, but I was confident about the
  Australians and we bet £10 on it. The
  Australians spanked the USA by a country mile,
  and I duly collected my winnings. Allison's
  experience taught me a valuable lesson: never
  let your heart overrule your head when
  gambling. Oh, and make sure that what you're
  betting on isn't in fact a replay of a race
  that happened earlier in the day, that the
  person you are making the bet with hasn't
  already seen the result and that they aren't
  desperately trying not to giggle like a giddy
  schoolgirl at the easiest money ever made."
  (jimmy spankhands)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your stories of creative bullying.
  Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Awesome pop-up PC <<
  Lovely, creative pop-up pages from a 1980s book
  about how computers work. What's not to love.

  >> Kind of Bloop <<
  If you love jazz, but prefer it played on some
  sort of retro 8-bit soundcard, here's a project
  you can really get behind. The guy is raising
  money for a chiptune tribute to Miles Davis.
  Such is demand that he reached his target of
  $2000 in around 4 hours. 

  >> Thatcher's funeral <<
  Send the Queen postcards until she agrees to
  make Thatcher pay for her own funeral. Lovely
  heartwarming image on the front of the cards.

  >> Awkward family photos <<
  Is there such a thing as a good family photo?
  Someone's always blinking or grimacing or just
  being a really ugly teenager. Here's a showcase
  of other people's photographic misfortunes for
  you to enjoy.

  >> Christmas Sweater Collection <<
  Deadpan Dutchman models his extensive selection
  of Christmas-themed jumpers. There are some
  real bobbydazzlers in there.

  >> Konami code sites <<
  A surprising number of web designers have a
  soft spot for the old Konami cheat code. Enter
  it into their websites and reveal easter eggs
  galore. 593 geekpoints if you actually remember
  the code without googling.

  >> 10 most pitiful Mr T products <<
  Say what you like about Mr T, but he's got
  other things on his mind than quality control.
  Presenting some of the worst crap to ever bear
  a man's name.

  >> Wikipedia's gallery of filth <<
  Anybody can contribute to wikipedia. Arguably,
  the more specialised your interest, the better.
  This fellow is a particularly prolific
  contributor of sex-related drawings. And only
  sex-related drawings.


  Now with broken 3D glasses

  >> P.I.S.S <<
  Glam rock massively improved by a bit of
  surreal lip sync dubbing and an entirely new
  musical direction.

  >> No Asians, thankyou <<
  Investigative journalist tracks down and
  confronts a racist landlord.

  >> Brilliant ventriloquist <<
  Unexpectedly talented ventriloquist takes the
  old variety act to an entirely different level.

  >> Demonic singing fish <<
  Billy Bass batteries flat? We think not - this
  is the sound of Satan yowling Do Wah Diddy
  Diddy through the mouth of a plastic carp.

  >> Witches Direct <<
  Proof that kids' TV is both sharper and funnier
  than the slop we get served up at prime time -
  here's how kids learn about 16th century

  >> My Little Pony: the movie <<
  Following Transformers on the
  bandwagon; rainbow-coloured fairy ponies on a
  sinister spree to prove they are best of all
  the animals.

  >> 2 Girls 1 Cup advert?! <<
  Hats off to the brave ad execs at Oasis for the
  first 2 Girls 1 Cup reference we've spotted in
  an ad. And hats off also for keeping it
  worksafe. BTW: We hear Pizza Hut's new TV spots
  will feature a deep-filled Tubgirl.


  Lady clunge graphics

  Helterry writes, "Nice as it is to look at
  cock-related logos in the newsletter every
  week, here's something for a change. I biked
  past this lawyer's office this morning and
  couldn't help thinking that the big picture on
  their door looks suspiciously like a vag and


  Results from the Twitter Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to 'shop all things

  Your favourites included:
  * BROWN - our hapless PM's latest attempt to
  harness the power of new media (Vitalbalistix)

  * GUSSET - precisely pinpointing the position
  of Twitter (magictoast)

  * KELLER - America's foremost deaf-blind author
  struggles with social networking (Mystery

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Reinventing the Wheel <<
  As Amazon release a new Kindle (Landfill
  Edition) show us further examples of useless
  future technology: cardboard boxes with digital
  displays to tell you what's inside, rulers that
  broadcast measurements using an electronic
  voice... you get the idea. Challenge suggested
  by HappyToast



  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MY POOR COCK - mugwump writes, "It was a
  while back that someone suggested that if you
  were injured and needed to have a wazz, an
  empty fabric conditioner bottle is a perfect
  receptacle. I can concur with this as I once
  broke my leg and couldn't easily, at night,
  make my way to the toilet. Empty bottle, wide
  neck, pleasant smell.. perfect. Next time I
  try it though, I will remember to thoroughly
  rinse the bottle as that stuff causes a nasty
  rash if you happen to get any on the end of
  your manhood." 

  * DAN & DAN ON TV - we got to this email a bit
  late but Dan writes, "Just thought you'd like
  to know that Dan from Dan & Dan (many thanks
  for the recent feature) will be appearing on
  'Genius' tonight - BBC2, 10pm, Friday 1st May.
  The whole evening was, as you can imagine, a
  rather strange experience. There I was
  bantering with Stewart Lee no less, and then
  watching as my slightly demented idea was
  staged in all its glory with the help of the
  BBC props department. And a gospel choir."
  Seeing as we missed promoing it, here's the
  actual clip:


  Today I Die
  Strange, poetic game from Daniel Benmergui,
  whose previous title "I Wish I Were the Moon"
  caused much blinking from people who dismiss
  flash gaming as a load of crap. His latest
  work, "Today I Die" won't win awards for the
  longest game in the world, and starting will
  make you scratch your head, but once you suss
  the dragging words about you'll be charmed.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DILUTION GAME SHOW - DrPoppers pitches,
  "people enter into a Dutch auction in regards
  to a diluted substance and take it at the
  lowest diluted level. Basic premise is how
  diluted does shit/piss/spunk/snot/blood/tramp
  juice etc need to be before someone will drink
  it. It's a fucking winner I tells ya. I want
  someone to make this and make me rich and
  famous please and I think you're probably the
  people to do it."

  * FAKE FATTY AWARD - @gomark asks B3tards to
  "compete for biggest/most convincing fatty
  crown by stuffing their clothes. Pics or it
  didn't happen."  

  * BUILD YOUR OWN MOAT - @bounder suggests, "MPs
  have them, or at least claim to, so YOU deserve
  a moat too. Dig a moat around your house and
  fill it with piss."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Avast,
  Lightguy, iainhasaface, Floppy Donkey, social
  hand grenade, Captn Hood-Butter, Dave Gormano.
  Top Tippery by EBudding. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. via Cakie Sickipedia via
  dooran1981. Fine fellow thursday: @alnapp,
  roekenny, @tseuq, @lastyearsgirl_, @pretprieel


  Prevent hangovers by making yourself a "Cup
  Egg" before bedtime: 2 whisked eggs in a mug, a
  slice of bread tucked in the side, butter - 3
  min on microwave. Add hot sauce, bacon or
  chocolate if you're particularly drunk.


  Craig David is quitting his singing career to
  join the British Olympic 2012 Archery team.
  He's going to be their bow selector.

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