NEWSLETTER: "I PUT MY HEAD ON THE FLOOR AND THEN TUMBLE FORWARDS. THAT'S HOW I ROLL"
This Week:
* SONG - The Internet is Made of Cats
* QUACKS - Celebtastic Ben Goldacre bonus bit
* NSFW - Entirely rude section
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're snoodling our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| cocks... together"
B3ta email 411 - 14 Jan 2010
Web linky edition online right now cyberfriends:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue411/
do one's part: [email protected]
undo one's part: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Slankets!
Stuck for ideas for Christmas presents last
year, we asked b3tans what they were buying for
loved ones - hoping to crib some ideas. One
person suggested slankets so we took the
plunge and bought a couple of these blankets
with armholes for, well, your arms. Our report?
We've stopped using them because the instant we
put them on we fall asleep. We reckon they've
laced the fibres with lovely heroins, they were
so effective at putting us on the nod.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002BFEJT...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cats, joy, sadness, games and Manchester
>> The Internet is Made of Cats <<
"Here's the song we did at the webbies bash, in
internet form!" Joel and the boys have really
pushed the boat out for this one. A catchy tune
explains how and why the internet came to be.
Hint: Cats-cats-cats! Cats-cats!
http://www.rathergood.com/cats
>> Pure and Simple <<
"This was just an experiment," explains
sundae_girl_2004, "But I quite like the
effect." Bouncy, joyful animation gymnastics.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pure_and_Simple
>> Death of a Snowman <<
A giant snowman melts softly away in time-lapse
pathos-o-vision, thanks to teaman. It'd be
sadder, of course, if we weren't all so fucked
off with snow by now. We've had it up to here.
*indicates roughly ankle-deep*
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Death_of_a_Snowman
>> 8 Bit Pwny Club 3 <<
Jonti and Wonchop's animated gaming show
reaches its third episode and the panel discuss
their favourite games of the last decade.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/8_Bit_Pwny_Club_3
>> Access Hollinwood <<
Searing showbiz expose of the economically
deprived Manchester suburb. "I know, I know.
I'm whoring myself out," admits GOTO: 10. "But
I could really do with a holiday."
http://snurl.com/hollinwoodbabylon
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Vomit Part Two
It'd been nearly six years since we last asked
for your puke-em-up disasters. Go read how
ThorTheBear managed to get three people covered
in every bodily fluid but one:
http://b3ta.com/questions/vomit2/
* PASTA- "And I saw a whole pasta shell emerge
from his nose and unravel as it popped out like
a butterfly stretching its wings for the first
time. 'Twas a thing of beauty." (oneinthepink)
* PLANE - "Turbulence can be bad, some people
get sick. I've seen bad, but the worst of all,
the worst I've ever seen was when the plane hit
a massive air pocket – a downdraft that left it
dropping like a stone. One of the cabin crew
levitated up to the ceiling, there was a cry of
horror from the bathroom but the image that will
haunt me to my grave is the sight of a mushroom
cloud of vomit rising up from behind one of the
forward seats, drifting higher and higher until
we were through the downdraft and it splashed
down. I can only hope the producer was the
receiver." (paxvobiscum )
* PURE CADDERY - "After a whiskey-fuelled 18 year
old's party fizzled out and everyone fell asleep
in piles on the floor, I was woken by my friend
dragging what looked like a dead body into the
'off limits' parents' bedroom. I stood up, despite
the room spinning like a waltzer, to find out what
had happened. Entering the room the smell hit me,
there was vomit and shit all over the bed, the
contents of the drawers were on the floor and the
light shade was in tatters. 'I think I was a bit
pissed and had an accident.' So who is the dead
boy? 'Oh he's not dead - he's just hammered. I
thought if I dragged him in here, laid him on the
bed and wiped puke on his face he would think he
did it and clean it up.' It did work. And on many
occasions after that party too." (DrTugnut2)
>> This Week's Question <<
Confess the awful stuff you've done under the
cover of anonymity:
http://b3ta.com/questions/anon/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Link most likely to make you unsub... <<
...from our newsletter goes to this "funny
because they shouldn't have made it" project: A
Maddie McCann 'countdown until she's legal'.
http://www.madeleinecountdown.com/
>> One of those one joke websites... <<
...that answers a question. Made us laugh, but
then we don't like travelling outside a very
small radius of NW5 and get panic attacks if we
have to visit the North or go south of the
river.
http://www.ismyjourneyabsolutelynecessary.co.uk/
>> David Cameron photoshops <<
Bit of an easy win crowd pleaser here - shit
photoshopping mockery, Tory baiting and what's
more you can all join in. BTW: We sat here for
5 mins trying to write a great David Cameron
joke but then realised the word Cameroon wasn't
a biscuit. Ha: Cameroon is the colour of his
rosy, posh-boy cheeks. The world of satire
better start watching its back.
http://www.mydavidcameron.com/
>> RA RA AH AH AH ROMA ROMA MA GAGA OOH LA LA <<
Make of this what you will - a new Hatten
(remember that?) for the modern kids too young
to remember when "oh my days" sounded like the
title of a 1970s sitcom with John Inman.
http://www.raraahahahromaromamagagaoohlala.com/
>> Autocomplete truth <<
We all suspect that men and women want
different things, but now the evidence is plain
to see from Google autocomplete. Men are from
Venus and women eat Mars bars when they're
depressed.
http://www.predictablyirrational.com/
>> Nerd sweater
Paedophiles! Having trouble attracting
children? Then wear this Mario tank top and
you'll have to beat them off with a stick - or
your hand.
http://snurl.com/supermariovest
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: HOW TO KEEP TEA WARM?
Your unlikely solutions to a muggy problem
* HOT METAL IMMERSION - bogeypie writes, "I
tried this method once when I was a teenager.
Get a 1-inch cube of stainless steel (my dad
brought it home from work) and heat it until it
glows in your coal fire. Then pop it in your
tea. After the initial tea explosion into your
face, what's left stays hot for a very long
time. Unfortunately your lips will probably be
too scalded to drink it."
* THERMOS - Colonel Santiago writes, "Invest
in an insulated Thermos-style mug and fill with
boiling water for 15 mins prior to tea-making.
Empty the hot water out and make tea as normal
- your drink will be warm for up to 2 hours."
* ICE CUBES - voodoo_kinky writes, "Quite
simply, drink it before it gets cold, you bunch
of 'ooh it's burning my lips' jessies. Actually,
my wife has a top tip. Drop an ice cube in it,
and sup from the cubey side - instant cool tea
and you can finish a brew before the
godforsaken spawn of your loins starts nagging
you to turn off the TV, go out and do something
more interesting instead."
BTW: Load of you also mentioned those USB tea
warmer things but we ignored them because we
had one once and never plugged it in because we
don't like the idea of catching the wire with a
sleeve and sending a hot liquid flying onto our
pristine collection of Acorn Electrons. Oh fuck
it, here's the link if that's your bag:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0009VEL1...
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: NSFW CORNER
Links that will give you cyber erections
>> Japanese sex guide from fucking years ago <<
"Best link this week?" asks bushofgoats. "This
1960s Japanese guide to meeting and then
coupling with a girl," he answers his own
question.
http://bit.ly/5VDlUY
>> Tara Reid vs. marker pen <<
What kind of mental takes one-time Playboy
model and obviously the best actress of her
generation Tara Reid and scribbles all over
her? The effect straddles the line between
mental illness and art. We reckon we could
probably crack one out to it, given a paucity
of wanking material.
http://firmuhment.tumblr.com/post/334260749
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Rude Tube without Alex Zane's ratty little face
>> If Facebook was real <<
Hassling old school friends on facebook is
always fun. This Septic Tank version of a
Shoreditch Twat doorsteps his old high school
crushes and annoys the shit out of them. Toe
curling.
http://snurl.com/surprisereunion
>> Unbreakable phone <<
Unbreakable phone follows the laws of comedy
and breaks while the CEO spits feathers.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/8450385.stm
>> Put a donk on it (in sign language)<<
The sheer exuberance of the sign language lady
busting her moves in the corner of this totally
ridiculous video is a joy to behold. Big fish,
little fish, cardboard box.
http://snurl.com/deafdonk
>> Nasty sweary old lady <<
No it's not Catherine Tate but some
potty-mouthed old bint abusing a tramp outside
Croydon's Mayday Hospital. Classy.
http://snurl.com/croydonfaceoff
>> Fail 2009 <<
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've seen it all before. We
don't want to like this but can't help
ourselves. Just like we can't stop reading the
Daily Mail website.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Smoking = Cool <<
These people are repellent in a strange, arty
way. Like John Waters movies or Tracy Emin's
piss-stained sheets.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Assuming funny = rubbish and corner = list
CINE VAG LOLS - Lendmeyoureyes writes, "I
apologise for sending in something for the
'funny' name corner. It's a cinema in Cape
Town, South Africa. P.S. I've marked this
as "I've found a cool link" but really,
it's not cool." It's OK. We giggled like loons
last time we were there and got directions to
"go up, past the Labia"
http://www.labia.co.za/
COCKS, YEP, COCKS AGAIN - "What does this look
like?", asks Damiangag and before we even
clicked we knew it would be a cock. Still,
extra points for the semen dribble.
http://snurl.com/hellospacecock
PS. Stop sending this shit in, we're
contemplating suicide and it's pushing over the
edge. Thanks.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Alternative Medicine Challenge
Last week we wanted you to invent new
medications.
Your favourites included:
* QUACK - Homeopathy, explained for the benefit
of the stupid (BlueHaze)
http://b3ta.com/board/9863286
* TIN - a guaranteed cure for a troublesome
sphincter (Azrepheal)
http://b3ta.com/board/9862567
* DISORDER - detailed instructions for OCD
sufferers (addyswank)
http://b3ta.com/board/9861968
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/alternativemedicine/
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BONUS DR BEN GOLDACRE COMMENTS - Ben mentioned
our challenge on Twitter and also got in touch
to say: "I think you're all being very mean
about the quacks. Homeopathy has an important
role[1] to play in A&E, and there's nothing
funny about overdosing on homeopathy pills just
because they're made from a dilution roughly
equivalent to one molecule of the active
ingredient in a sphere of water whose diameter
is the same as the distance from the earth the
Sun. Boots the Chemists take this issue very
seriously[2]. Oh and arsecandles don't just
work on constipation, they are part of an
ancient tradition[3]. The Brian May nit
collector is fantastic though."
[1] http://www.youtube.com/watch
[2] http://snurl.com/spoonfulofsugar
[3] http://buttcandle.com/
BTW: If you've never read Ben's badscience site
- you should - it features "satirical criticism
of scientific inaccuracy" (thanks Wikipedia!) and
it's one of the few sites we've bothered
subscribing to the RSS feed for.
http://www.badscience.net/
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>> New challenge: Hiding an Elephant <<
This week's challenge is to answer an age-old
question: How do you hide an elephant? Fire up
Photoshop and show us how. Challenge suggested
by Prodigy69
http://b3ta.com/challenge/elephant/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CALENDAR SUGGESTIONS - Phonicsey asks, "last
year I had the KittenWars calender. Can you
recommend one for this year?" Yes, yes, yes,
Weebl has a calendar out. Buy one today!
http://www.weebls-shop.co.uk/
* BOOK YAYS - disconnected writes, "Remember my
'Now and Then' photos of my town? I am happy to
inform that I published a small book with my
rephotographs. Thanks also to b3tans' positive
feedback (cheers!) I finished the project for
print." Woo!
http://refotografie.blogspot.com/
* UNLIKELY SHITTING SOLUTIONS - Zakk writes,
"Got the shits? Glass of water, add a healthy
splash of lemon juice, and sprinkle with enough
black pepper to cover the the surface. Stir,
chug. Don't taste it, you won't like it. Nor
will you shit for 3 days." Anyone want to test
this? You'd be a braver person than us.
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: FRIDAY GAME
First-person Tetris
Tetris is all about rotation - so imagine if
instead of the block rotating, the whole game
rotates. You'll play this for 1 minute going,
"omg mental!" and then get bored. This is what
we promise.
http://firstpersontetris.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TORY SLASH FICTION - George Osborne wearing
an ermine snood pleading to be rogered
senseless by an engorged David Cameron "I'm
your fag and I'm smoking for your black rod in
my Tory glory hole, wot, wot, wot."
* REAL TOAD IN THE HOLE - Ian Ferguson writes,
"Can you ask if somebody can make
Toad-in-the-Hole with real toads?" And real
holes?
* WANKIFY.COM - thatcrazymelon blithers, "Could
someone make a site which contains a button
saying 'I've just had a wank?' It should have
daily, weekly and all-time stats, and an
optional comments box."
Push shit through our internet letter box:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
BTW2: According to our 1985 Smash Hits annual
Nik Kershaw owns 10 snoods.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @littlebribes,
@giginger, @bounder, @joemuggs, mediocre,
Christian Heilmann, @Pussstein, samwisethesick,
Mr_Egregious, vortex2k7, Sir Sand Goblin and
mccandelish. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Sickipedia gag via cc1957. Lyrics by The
Who which should never be sung by cats: "people
try to put us down"
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What's the difference between an angry man and
a gay arab? One's shaking a fist.......
