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NEWSLETTER: "STATUS QUO RE-RELEASE ROCKING ALL OVER THE WORLD FOR THE HAITI EARTHQUAKE APPEAL"

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This Week:
* MUSIC - Clunk-Click remix
* BIRDS - Rocking out
* VID - Dirty French graffiti

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're validating your
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | poor life choices with 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| tiny scraps of attention"

B3ta email 412 - 22 Jan 2010

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue412/

        Lovers:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
      Haters:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Rathergood MP3 album - Spongs in the Key of Life

  "Hi dudes," beams Joel Veitch. "The new album
  of rathergood stuff is up on Amazon now.
  Thought I'd mention it in case you feel like
  plugging it, no worries if not!" Oh go on then
  Veitch. Just this once, use our arsehole as a
  cunt.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0032UO0Q0/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Clunk, Clean, Calc and Egg

  >> 'Clunk Click' Remix.. <<
  Jimmy Savile = win. Jimmy Savile plus old 70s
  public information films, bursting with footage
  of British Leyland cars, one of which is driven
  by a woman who looks like Ken Dodd = double
  win. Add JamHamster's kicking hardcore track
  and you've got a monster hit on your hands.
http://snurl.com/clunkclickhardcore


  >> Dirty Old Man
  No actual filth from this cheeky old buffer,
  father of b3tan Big Face. No smut as such; he's
  far too cunning, preferring to make lols with
  innuendo and misdirection.
http://snurl.com/cleansong


  >> Mad calculator <<
  "My calculator is solar-powered and has been
  left switched on since the 1980s," explains
  mutated monty. "During that time it has somehow
  developed its own form of consciousness - every
  morning it has weird random numbers on its
  screen and stored in its memory. So I've set up
  what is probably the most pointless Twitter
  account of all time to document its daily
  ramblings. Those numbers might actually mean
  something to somebody."
https://twitter.com/madcalculator


  >> Scotch Egg <<
  If you're not familiar with the so-called
  Scottish Egg, Jonti is here to enlighten you
  through the power of music. Mmmmmmmmmm. Egg.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Scotch+Egg/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Anonymous

  Last week we asked for things you've done under
  the cloak of anonymity. Frankly, some of your
  answers scared the crap out of us:
http://b3ta.com/questions/anon/

  * AWW, FLOWERS - "When we go to the cemetery
  where Mrs SLVA's parents are buried, I see lots
  of children’s graves, especially of pre
  school-age kids. I'll pick one at random, clear
  away any dead flowers, get fresh water and
  leave a couple of fresh ones, seeing as we
  always take far too big a bunch ourselves. I
  got caught once: just as I was putting a couple
  of flowers in the little pot thing the parents
  arrived, "What are you doing?" the mother
  asked. So I told her. She looked at me for a
  couple of seconds and then threw her arms
  around me. "Thank you," she said and I felt a
  tear against my cheek." (sandettie light vessel
  automatic)
     
  * DAEWOO-WOO-WOO - "There used to be a tiny
  little Daewoo parked in my street most
  evenings. It wasn't owned by anyone who lived
  there. I could tell this because the alarm used
  to go off for hours at a time and no one would
  come out to turn it off. We left a note.
  Nothing happened. A week later, it was still
  going off every night and really getting on my
  nerves. My housemates and I were bemoaning our
  predicament in the pub to some friends when
  they agreed something had to be done. That
  night about fifteen of us lifted the car up and
  carried it to the traffic island at the end of
  the street, leaving it "parked" on the grass in
  the middle, nose poking out from the scrub,
  along with a note saying, "I am hiding, because
  lots of people are angry with me :-(" ...We never
  saw it again." (SnowyTheRabbit)
     
  * MURDER - "I live in a small town. One morning
  I got to work to find that a terrible murder
  had occurred. The details of each story I heard
  were different but the whole town was buzzing
  with the news. Phone calls and texts were
  exchanged, gossip was rife; this was exciting
  stuff. But I knew the truth. The previous night
  it'd been blowing a hooly and a pub in town had
  started losing slates off the roof at an
  incredible rate. The police turned up and
  cordoned off the pavement with tape in case
  anyone copped a slate on the bonce. People
  going to work in the morning had seen the tape.
  They'd recognised the pub as not being one of
  the nicest places to frequent. And then? Then
  they'd seen the chalk outlines of a man, a dog
  and a knife lying within the bounds of the
  police tape. In their tiny minds a man and his
  dog were stabbed to death. A classic whodunnit.
  Amazing the amount of fun one can have with a
  piece of chalk." (oneinthepink)


  Finally, a textbook example of how not to be
  anonymous on the internet (props to Totach for
  eventually seeing the funny side):
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/anon/post615785


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your moments of real-life slapstick.
  When you're done tripping over that rake, talk
  to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/slapstick/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Comic book superheroes in a Picasso styleee <<
  Superman looks like a cyclops and Spiderman has
  a thalidomide quality to him. They'd make great
  stamps - much cooler than bloody Screamadelica,
  you old postie cunts.
http://snurl.com/meltyspidey


  >> Hot chicks plunging their toilets <<
  A huge trend at the moment is one-hit blogs -
  collections of photos in a bizarre theme that
  generates a WTF reaction in the viewer, forcing
  them to click and pass it on. E.g. cats in
  sinks etc. Usually, if you can find one photo
  then a quick search will dredge up more. This
  bunch of entrepreneurial numpties are trying to
  sew up the hot chicks market with a series
  including '...smiling at Ground Zero"
  "...picking up dogshit" and others. We reckon
  the plan is making link bait for sites like us
  and then flogging the sites to SEO companies
  once they've got a bit of traction.
http://hotchicksplungingtheirtoilets.com/


  >> Local news for local people << 
  Our local paper, The Camden New Journal mixes
  pictures of Michael Foot with lurid tales of
  crack-infested estates and dead prostitutes.
  This site salutes all that is great about
  Britain's local newspapers.
http://thenetherregions.co.uk/  
  

  >> Sex print<< 
  To the innocent viewer, the mark on this car
  looks like a panda's face. Look again and cover
  your eyes at the shame of it all.
http://snurl.com/wifesnightout


  >> Charting the Beatles <<
   The whole web is spunking over infographics -
  turning dull data into bright spanking charts
  and diagrams. This makes the complete work of
  The Beatles look like something out of a GCSE
  maths textbook. 
http://www.mikemake.com/#72772/Charting-the-Beatles
 

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Watch while the telly's rebooting

  >> The birdy song<<
  Everyone knows chimps can make art, but who
  knew that birds could play guitar. Tiny cute
  birds with colourful beaks, they look like
  miniature parrots. They're actually finches 
  and they RAWK.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Go_on_birdies


  >> How to enjoy a 3D movie <<
  Looking uncannily like Charlie Brooker's
  special uncle, BBC Film boffin Mark Kermode
  rips into the current fad for all things 3D.
  Give him Wossy's job on Film 97, he's clearly
  auditioning for it here.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_enjoy_a_3D_movie


  >> GINGERS DO HAVE SOULS!! <<
  South Park recently strayed into the territory
  of pure evil when they put out an episode
  saying gingers don't have souls. This one
  doesn't have a brain. But Jesus loves him all
  the same.
http://bit.ly/6waTPx 


   >> French letter <<
  A few years ago we stopped off at a motorway
  service station on the M4 and were utterly
  transfixed by the lewd gay graffiti in the
  gents' toilets. One memorable piece gave
  detailed masturbation tips for the under 12s.
  Obviously the graffiti in French toilets is
  purely heterosexual, if this is anything to go
  by.
http://snurl.com/u5k72


  >> Big tits = big hits <<
  This young lady has 600,000 views for her
  pedestrian guide to Asian emoticons. Her
  trick? Enormous jugs pushed up to her chin,
  butt-grazing shorts and kitten ears. We don't
  think girls would like her very much.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifA1AQe_NF0


  >> Boy jumps on moving bus  << 
  Hero or twat, depending on which demographic you
  inhabit. We reckon both.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boy_jumps_on_moving_bus


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Not very funny and not very cornerish as usual

  * GOATSE IS GOOD STUFF - At least, that's what
  Lastminute.com seem to think. Check out the
  buttock-shaped Os in this unlikely logo:
http://snurl.com/lastminutegoatse

  * MR TINY KOX - It takes big balls to go through
  life with a name like that.
http://bit.ly/Z8JrG

  * TWATTS - But why? Why? It's not even the name
  of the company!
http://twatts.co.uk/

  * CHANGE YOUR NAME MR LARSEN - "Surprised this
  man's re-election didn't take a turn for the
  worst," chuckles ccc.
http://snurl.com/mrlarsen


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Elephant Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to hide an 
  elephant

  Your favourites included:
 
  * NESSIE - minimal 'shopping here, just 
    great use of a classic snap (monstrinho 
    do biscoito)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9871643

  * GREY - this elephant has literally 
    disappeared completely. Where's it 
    gone? (DogHorse)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9872782

  * LADY - we've examined this photo for 
    hours, but the elephant still eludes us 
    (TheFiend)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9871209


    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/elephant/


  >> New challenge: Unlikely Mergers <<
  In the week that nasty Kraft took over 
  nice Cadbury, this week's challenge is 
  to picture unlikely company mergers, and 
  the products that might result.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mergers/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GIRL SINGS WEEBL'S SONG - thanks to Darklord
  for pointing out this charming cover version of
  Amazing Horse. Also amusing is the B3tans
  discussing the young lady's attractiveness,
  chest tattoos and facial piercings. She's not
  going to look twice at you - well unless you're
  there to fix the printer that is.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Amazing_Horse_Cover_Version


  * WANKING ENTHUSIASTS SITE - anonymous writes,
  "Re: a site which contains a button saying
  'I've just had a wank?', try bedposted, a
  discreet online database for you to store
  details of your shags and wanks. Enjoy!"
http://www.bedposted.com


  * MORE CALENDAR SUGGESTIONS - Gibberer writes,
  "Try the 2010 Hooters Calendar. You know you
  want to... It's a, err, hoot."
http://www.joe-ks.com/hooterscalendar/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Endless Migration

  You are a goose. You are a goose and you must
  fly south, collecting as many mates as you can.
  Too be honest, we didn't last too long before
  flying into a jet engine. Like a dream we once
  had.
http://snurl.com/endlessmigration


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WHATWILLIHAVEFORSUPPER.COM - "Could one of
  your webions devise this?" asks @kfking,
  "Shouldn't be too hard as the answer is always
  cheese on toast."

  * FLAKE / POO = "Regarding Cadbury," writes
  @peregr1n, " I've always maintained Flake
  smells/tastes faintly of poo. Can someone do a
  blind taste test?"

  * CHEAPER TRAIN TICKETS - Philip Knight has an
  idea and he wants B3tans to help. Return train
  tickets often cost a similar price to singles -
  can somebody set up a site for people to sell
  on the return bit of the ticket and make
  cheaper tickets for everyone? Philip explains
  it in more detail here:
http://snurl.com/u5kci

  Stick your cocks in our mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us. Sometimes we shudder,
  but we do look.


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  Sexy woo time:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Twatty scummers:b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the_log_knows,
  @bounder, Dave Peacock, @bliumchik, NoSoup4U,
  jingle_man, @TOther_Simon, @theindiedave,
  mousemonkey, jeffrey44, ccc, @gshutler,
  @chopeh, flannery, Pauly Pops.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Sickipedia gag via hongkonglouie. 
  Subjlols via Barbarossa.
  
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: SICKIPEDIA NIGHT 3.1:

  * Kunt & the Gang! Mushybees! Boyce Bailey!
  Richard Tyrone Jones! Joel Veitch! Bovine! Mike
  Rampton! Justincider! David Stevenson! Jeremy
  Gomez! Nick James! Robert Auton! Yes, the night
  that should never happen is happening once
  again. The Old Blue Last, Shoreditch on 3rd
  February. Do come!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/4288970512/


  * Just been watching the Masters snooker and
  I've been trying to get to grips with the
  rules. Is the white ball going round ethnically
  cleansing the table? 
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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