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NEWSLETTER: "I PUT MY HEAD ON THE FLOOR AND THEN TUMBLE FORWARDS. THAT'S HOW I ROLL"

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This Week:
* SONG - The Internet is Made of Cats
* QUACKS - Celebtastic Ben Goldacre bonus bit
* NSFW - Entirely rude section

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're snoodling our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       cocks... together"

B3ta email 411 - 14 Jan 2010

Web linky edition online right now cyberfriends:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue411/

    do one's part: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
undo one's part: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Slankets!

  Stuck for ideas for Christmas presents last
  year, we asked b3tans what they were buying for
  loved ones - hoping to crib some ideas. One
  person suggested slankets so we took the
  plunge and bought a couple of these blankets
  with armholes for, well, your arms. Our report?
  We've stopped using them because the instant we
  put them on we fall asleep. We reckon they've
  laced the fibres with lovely heroins, they were
  so effective at putting us on the nod. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002BFEJT0/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Cats, joy, sadness, games and Manchester

  >> The Internet is Made of Cats <<
  "Here's the song we did at the webbies bash, in
  internet form!" Joel and the boys have really
  pushed the boat out for this one. A catchy tune
  explains how and why the internet came to be.
  Hint: Cats-cats-cats! Cats-cats!
http://www.rathergood.com/cats


  >> Pure and Simple <<
  "This was just an experiment," explains
  sundae_girl_2004, "But I quite like the
  effect." Bouncy, joyful animation gymnastics.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pure_and_Simple


  >> Death of a Snowman <<
  A giant snowman melts softly away in time-lapse
  pathos-o-vision, thanks to teaman. It'd be
  sadder, of course, if we weren't all so fucked
  off with snow by now. We've had it up to here.
  *indicates roughly ankle-deep*
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Death_of_a_Snowman


  >> 8 Bit Pwny Club 3 <<
  Jonti and Wonchop's animated gaming show
  reaches its third episode and the panel discuss
  their favourite games of the last decade.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/8_Bit_Pwny_Club_3


  >> Access Hollinwood <<
  Searing showbiz expose of the economically
  deprived Manchester suburb. "I know, I know.
  I'm whoring myself out," admits GOTO: 10. "But
  I could really do with a holiday."
http://snurl.com/hollinwoodbabylon


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Vomit Part Two

  It'd been nearly six years since we last asked
  for your puke-em-up disasters. Go read how
  ThorTheBear managed to get three people covered
  in every bodily fluid but one:
http://b3ta.com/questions/vomit2/

  * PASTA- "And I saw a whole pasta shell emerge
   from his nose and unravel as it popped out like
   a butterfly stretching its wings for the first
   time. 'Twas a thing of beauty." (oneinthepink)

  * PLANE - "Turbulence can be bad, some people
   get sick. I've seen bad, but the worst of all,
   the worst I've ever seen was when the plane hit
   a massive air pocket  a downdraft that left it
   dropping like a stone. One of the cabin crew
   levitated up to the ceiling, there was a cry of
   horror from the bathroom but the image that will
   haunt me to my grave is the sight of a mushroom
   cloud of vomit rising up from behind one of the
   forward seats, drifting higher and higher until 
   we were through the downdraft and it splashed
   down. I can only hope the producer was the
   receiver." (paxvobiscum )
        
  * PURE CADDERY - "After a whiskey-fuelled 18 year
   old's party fizzled out and everyone fell asleep
   in piles on the floor, I was woken by my friend
   dragging what looked like a dead body into the
   'off limits' parents' bedroom. I stood up, despite
   the room spinning like a waltzer, to find out what
   had happened. Entering the room the smell hit me,
   there was vomit and shit all over the bed, the
   contents of the drawers were on the floor and the
   light shade was in tatters. 'I think I was a bit
   pissed and had an accident.' So who is the dead
   boy? 'Oh he's not dead - he's just hammered. I
   thought if I dragged him in here, laid him on the
   bed and wiped puke on his face he would think he
   did it and clean it up.' It did work. And on many
   occasions after that party too." (DrTugnut2)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  Confess the awful stuff you've done under the
  cover of anonymity:
http://b3ta.com/questions/anon/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Link most likely to make you unsub... <<
  ...from our newsletter goes to this "funny
  because they shouldn't have made it" project: A
  Maddie McCann 'countdown until she's legal'.
http://www.madeleinecountdown.com/


  >> One of those one joke websites... <<
  ...that answers a question. Made us laugh, but
  then we don't like travelling outside a very
  small radius of NW5 and get panic attacks if we
  have to visit the North or go south of the
  river.
http://www.ismyjourneyabsolutelynecessary.co.uk/ 


  >> David Cameron photoshops <<
  Bit of an easy win crowd pleaser here - shit
  photoshopping mockery, Tory baiting and what's
  more you can all join in. BTW: We sat here for
  5 mins trying to write a great David Cameron
  joke but then realised the word Cameroon wasn't
  a biscuit. Ha: Cameroon is the colour of his
  rosy, posh-boy cheeks. The world of satire
  better start watching its back.
http://www.mydavidcameron.com/


  >> RA RA AH AH AH ROMA ROMA MA GAGA OOH LA LA <<
  Make of this what you will - a new Hatten
  (remember that?) for the modern kids too young
  to remember when "oh my days" sounded like the
  title of a 1970s sitcom with John Inman.
http://www.raraahahahromaromamagagaoohlala.com/


  >> Autocomplete truth <<
  We all suspect that men and women want
  different things, but now the evidence is plain
  to see from Google autocomplete. Men are from
  Venus and women eat Mars bars when they're
  depressed.
http://www.predictablyirrational.com/?p=704


  >> Nerd sweater
  Paedophiles! Having trouble attracting
  children? Then wear this Mario tank top and
  you'll have to beat them off with a stick - or
  your hand.
http://snurl.com/supermariovest


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: HOW TO KEEP TEA WARM?
  Your unlikely solutions to a muggy problem
  
  * HOT METAL IMMERSION - bogeypie writes, "I
  tried this method once when I was a teenager.
  Get a 1-inch cube of stainless steel (my dad
  brought it home from work) and heat it until it
  glows in your coal fire.  Then pop it in your
  tea.  After the initial tea explosion into your
  face, what's left stays hot for a very long
  time.  Unfortunately your lips will probably be
  too scalded to drink it."

  * THERMOS -  Colonel Santiago writes, "Invest
  in an insulated Thermos-style mug and fill with
  boiling water for 15 mins prior to tea-making.
  Empty the hot water out and make tea as normal
  - your drink will be warm for up to 2 hours."

  * ICE CUBES - voodoo_kinky writes, "Quite
  simply, drink it before it gets cold, you bunch
  of 'ooh it's burning my lips' jessies. Actually,
  my wife has a top tip. Drop an ice cube in it,
  and sup from the cubey side - instant cool tea
  and you can finish a brew before the
  godforsaken spawn of your loins starts nagging
  you to turn off the TV, go out and do something
  more interesting instead."

  BTW: Load of you also mentioned those USB tea
  warmer things but we ignored them because we
  had one once and never plugged it in because we
  don't like the idea of catching the wire with a
  sleeve and sending a hot liquid flying onto our
  pristine collection of Acorn Electrons. Oh fuck
  it, here's the link if that's your bag:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0009VEL1O/b3ta-21


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: NSFW CORNER
  Links that will give you cyber erections

  >> Japanese sex guide from fucking years ago <<
  "Best link this week?" asks bushofgoats. "This
  1960s Japanese guide to meeting and then
  coupling with a girl," he answers his own
  question.
 http://bit.ly/5VDlUY 


  >> Tara Reid vs. marker pen <<
  What kind of mental takes one-time Playboy
  model and obviously the best actress of her
  generation Tara Reid and scribbles all over
  her? The effect straddles the line between
  mental illness and art. We reckon we could
  probably crack one out to it, given a paucity
  of wanking material. 
http://firmuhment.tumblr.com/post/334260749


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Rude Tube without Alex Zane's ratty little face

  >> If Facebook was real <<
  Hassling old school friends on facebook is
  always fun. This Septic Tank version of a
  Shoreditch Twat doorsteps his old high school
  crushes and annoys the shit out of them. Toe
  curling.
http://snurl.com/surprisereunion


  >> Unbreakable phone <<
  Unbreakable phone follows the laws of comedy
  and breaks while the CEO spits feathers.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/8450385.stm


  >> Put a donk on it (in sign language)<<
  The sheer exuberance of the sign language lady
  busting her moves in the corner of this totally
  ridiculous video is a joy to behold. Big fish,
  little fish, cardboard box.
http://snurl.com/deafdonk


  >> Nasty sweary old lady <<
  No it's not Catherine Tate but some
  potty-mouthed old bint abusing a tramp outside
  Croydon's Mayday Hospital. Classy.
http://snurl.com/croydonfaceoff


  >> Fail 2009 << 
  Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've seen it all before. We
  don't want to like this but can't help
  ourselves. Just like we can't stop reading the
  Daily Mail website.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlhKJwQBK3A


  >> Smoking = Cool <<
  These people are repellent in a strange, arty
  way. Like John Waters movies or Tracy Emin's
  piss-stained sheets.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LstW4RmPGf0


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Assuming funny = rubbish and corner = list

  CINE VAG LOLS - Lendmeyoureyes writes, "I
  apologise for sending in something for the
  'funny' name corner. It's a cinema in Cape
  Town, South Africa. P.S. I've marked this
  as "I've found a cool link" but really,
  it's not cool." It's OK. We giggled like loons
  last time we were there and got directions to
  "go up, past the Labia"
http://www.labia.co.za/

  COCKS, YEP, COCKS AGAIN - "What does this look
  like?", asks Damiangag and before we even
  clicked we knew it would be a cock. Still,
  extra points for the semen dribble.
http://snurl.com/hellospacecock


  PS. Stop sending this shit in, we're
  contemplating suicide and it's pushing over the
  edge. Thanks.


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Alternative Medicine Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to invent new
  medications.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * QUACK - Homeopathy, explained for the benefit
  of the stupid (BlueHaze)
http://b3ta.com/board/9863286

  * TIN - a guaranteed cure for a troublesome
  sphincter (Azrepheal)
http://b3ta.com/board/9862567

  * DISORDER - detailed instructions for OCD
  sufferers (addyswank)
http://b3ta.com/board/9861968

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/alternativemedicine/


  **********************************************  
 
  BONUS DR BEN GOLDACRE COMMENTS - Ben mentioned
  our challenge on Twitter and also got in touch
  to say: "I think you're all being very mean
  about the quacks. Homeopathy has an important
  role[1] to play in A&E, and there's nothing
  funny about overdosing on homeopathy pills just
  because they're made from a dilution roughly
  equivalent to one molecule of the active
  ingredient in a sphere of water whose diameter
  is the same as the distance from the earth the
  Sun. Boots the Chemists take this issue very
  seriously[2]. Oh and arsecandles don't just
  work on constipation, they are part of an
  ancient tradition[3]. The Brian May nit
  collector is fantastic though."

  [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMGIbOGu8q0
  [2] http://snurl.com/spoonfulofsugar
  [3] http://buttcandle.com/

  BTW: If you've never read Ben's badscience site
  - you should - it features "satirical criticism
  of scientific inaccuracy" (thanks Wikipedia!) and
  it's one of the few sites we've bothered
  subscribing to the RSS feed for.
http://www.badscience.net/


  **********************************************  

  >> New challenge: Hiding an Elephant <<
  This week's challenge is to answer an age-old
  question: How do you hide an elephant? Fire up
  Photoshop and show us how. Challenge suggested
  by Prodigy69
http://b3ta.com/challenge/elephant/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CALENDAR SUGGESTIONS - Phonicsey asks, "last
  year I had the KittenWars calender. Can you
  recommend one for this year?" Yes, yes, yes,
  Weebl has a calendar out. Buy one today!
http://www.weebls-shop.co.uk/

  * BOOK YAYS - disconnected writes, "Remember my
  'Now and Then' photos of my town? I am happy to
  inform that I published a small book with my
  rephotographs. Thanks also to b3tans' positive
  feedback (cheers!) I finished the project for
  print." Woo!
http://refotografie.blogspot.com/

  * UNLIKELY SHITTING SOLUTIONS - Zakk writes,
  "Got the shits? Glass of water, add a healthy
  splash of lemon juice, and sprinkle with enough
  black pepper to cover the the surface. Stir,
  chug. Don't taste it, you won't like it. Nor
  will you shit for 3 days." Anyone want to test
  this? You'd be a braver person than us.


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: FRIDAY GAME
  First-person Tetris
  
  Tetris is all about rotation - so imagine if
  instead of the block rotating, the whole game
  rotates. You'll play this for 1 minute going,
  "omg mental!" and then get bored. This is what
  we promise.
http://firstpersontetris.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TORY SLASH FICTION - George Osborne wearing
  an ermine snood pleading to be rogered
  senseless by an engorged David Cameron "I'm
  your fag and I'm smoking for your black rod in
  my Tory glory hole, wot, wot, wot."

  * REAL TOAD IN THE HOLE - Ian Ferguson writes,
  "Can you ask if somebody can make
  Toad-in-the-Hole with real toads?" And real
  holes?
  
  * WANKIFY.COM - thatcrazymelon blithers, "Could
  someone make a site which contains a button
  saying 'I've just had a wank?' It should have
  daily, weekly and all-time stats, and an
  optional comments box."

  Push shit through our internet letter box:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.

  BTW2:  According to our 1985 Smash Hits annual
  Nik Kershaw owns 10 snoods.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @littlebribes,
  @giginger, @bounder, @joemuggs, mediocre,
  Christian Heilmann, @Pussstein, samwisethesick,
  Mr_Egregious, vortex2k7, Sir Sand Goblin and
  mccandelish. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Sickipedia gag via cc1957. Lyrics by The
  Who which should never be sung by cats: "people
  try to put us down"
 
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  What's the difference between an angry man and
  a gay arab? One's shaking a fist....... 

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