NEWSLETTER: "WE'RE NOT READING BLAIR'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY...TOGETHER"
This Week:
* DIRTY - Cassetteboy vs. Dragons' Den
* DANGEROUS - Sheep vs. deck chair
* PLASTIC - Homeless people vs. credit cards
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Issue 444. Two thirds
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | of the beast. Satanist
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| amputee porn basically"
B3ta email 444 - 3 Sept 2010
Please recycle this issue after printing:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue444/
Sex gods: [email protected]
Fuckwits: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Down Terrace DVD
B3tan Ben Wheatley's wonderful film has
finally come to DVD. We've bought a copy and
so should you, not because it's good (tho it
is) but because you should support interesting
British films made by people you vaguely sort
of know because of the internet. Down Terrace
was also co-written by and stars Robin Hill who you
might remember from some of Ben's shorts like
Cunning Stunt. We asked Robin for a quote to
help plug the film and he said, "Due to an
administrative glitch every penny they spend on
Down Terrace will go to charities supporting
far right causes." Thanks Robin!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003L14TA...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Dragons, Deck chairs and CDCs
>> Cassetteboy vs Dragons' Den <<
"I'll tell you where I am," moans cut-up
supremo Cassetteboy. "I'm indoors, watching
Dragon's Den, all bloody summer." This is the
sequel to last year's smash hit, The Bloody
Apprentice. "People always ask this sort of
thing, so you might like to know that it took
about three weeks to make, working on it day
and night."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cassetteboy_vs_Dragons_D...
>> Deck Chair <<
"Ignore instruction manuals at your peril,"
warns Sheep! "Does anyone else love the word
peril?" he continues, giggling recklessly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Deck_Chair
>> Crap Graffiti <<
"Here's my newest project," boasts son of
crazymum. "It shall become the internet's
foremost collection of crudely-drawn cocks and
toilet wall art!"
http://www.crapgraffiti.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The B3ta Confessional
In honour of the impending papal whatsits, we
asked people to confess past wrongdoings so that
fellow board members could absolve their sins:
http://b3ta.com/questions/confess/
* "I lived in a little terraced house, in an
area popular with young families. When the baby
Ott3r arrived, amidst a storm of primary coloured
plastic and weird things that I still haven't
worked out the use of, we bought a baby monitor.
It turns out that there are only so many
frequencies: after rushing upstairs to calm the
cries of mysteriously sleeping baby on a couple
of occasions, we figured out that someone was
using OUR frequency. Well, something had to be
done. So, in the wee small hours of the morning...
I picked up the 'transmit' bit of the baby monitor,
and started speaking into it... And so it was
that a house a few doors up the street suddenly
lit up as (I imagine) the concerned parents
rushed to baby's room to find the source of a
creepy baby voice that was repeating "Satan is
my Maaaaaster, Satan is my Maaaaaster."
(Ott3r)
* "Gary the Electrician, do you remember when we
were 19 and were helping with my uncle's loft
conversion? Do you remember me and Spud going
into the loft to feed down a cable that you'd
installed? We couldn't find the hole you'd made
so we asked you to stick your finger up through
it. Do you remember Spud saying, "Hold on Gary,
we still can't see it"? When you put your finger
back up through the hole, you recoiled slightly
because you didn't like the feel of what was on
the other side. That's because Spud had dropped
his trousers and pants and squatted over the
hole, sphincter hovering ever so close to it.
You touched his ring that day and you never knew.
It's the hardest I've ever tried to stop myself
howling with laughter. Sorry, Gary."
(Monkey the Chicken)
* "On holiday in Ireland with some friends. At
one of the pubs we stopped at for lunch, I went
to the lavatory only to notice that someone had
written "PIRA" on the back of the door. Now, I'm
usually a thoroughly law-abiding chap who
wouldn't vandalise anything, but given this mark
of support for a terrorist organisation, just
this once I couldn't resist. Assuming it's still
there, the door now reads "ARR, PIRATES!"
(Mushroom)
Now go read the wonderful comments to this
particularly blatant piece of boasting. Peter
Davison's cartoons are aces:
http://b3ta.com/questions/confess/post841467
>> This Week's Question <<
Have you ever complained? Did it involve spraying
their offices with manure, or was a particularly
snippy tone all you could muster?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/complaintsdesk/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> OCD blog <<
Are you the kind of person who likes things to
be just so? Have you arranged your CD
collection (remember them?) into asciibetic
order? Then you'll enjoy this collection of
very nicely-placed stuff. Or maybe there's just
one item that's ever so slightly at the wrong
angle and you'll start pulling your hair out
until your scalp bleeds and the physical pain
blots out the screaming inside.
http://thingsorganizedneatly.tumblr.com/
>> Earworm Replacement Therapy <<
There are competing theories for getting tunes
out of your head - personally we subscribe to
the idea of listening to the tune to the
resolution: "ahh, done!" Or, conversely, you
can listen to another, equally catchy, tune.
BTW: The tune currently spinning in our ears
whilst we sleep? That M.I.A one that goes "All
I wanna do is BANG BANG BANG BANG and take your
money." We also find ourselves making pointy
finger guns and doing pow-pow noises.
http://unhearit.com/
>> Giving credit cards to tramps <<
Wonderful social experiment - give some
homeless people a credit card and see where
they spend the cash. We were fascinated by how
much of the money ended up at McDonalds.
Possibly not the brand message they want to be
pushing out - when you're homeless, a greasy
burger is a bit of a treat.
http://snurl.com/tramplastic
>> 100 year-old colour photos <<
Because of the limitations of black and white
photography it's sometimes hard to see the
past as a living, breathing world much like our
own - these photographs of Russians make it
all so much more human.
http://snurl.com/ussrgb
>> Eco-Urinal <<
Smart idea here - use the water from washing
your hands to flush the urinal. Worried about
the potential for major splashback though;
it's always great walking back to your table
with wet patches on your trousers. (We
normally apologise and say we've come on and
run out of Manpons.)
http://snurl.com/pissonyourhands
>> 50-cent is on Twitter... <<
...and he writes like a 14 year old retard.
Quotes include:
* "If you a stripper and you have a low self
esteem Its probably because your fat and ugly.
I suggest you kill yourself"
* "My aunt sylvia didnt like me growin up
cause she was the baby till I came. we had
roaches so she put roach spray in a bowl and
kill my dog"
* "Check out my new background. This is for
ladies only I don't want you cock sucking
niggas looking at this lol "
http://twitter.com/50CENT
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Films! On a computer! Wow!
>> Smoke your little smoke <<
Yes! What the world has been waiting for, Ben
Folds, Nick Hornby, & Pomplamoose together at
last on one song. Er... Surprisingly
entertaining actually, although we're not
actually convinced intoxicants are the best
way of puzzling out complicated thoughts. It's
great when you're straight, yeah!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Stutter Bubble! <<
Hadn't seen this Paul Kaye clip before but
it's got a punk rock misanthropy that's
exhilarating - friends tell us that the show
it's from is a bit one-note though.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stutter_Bubble
>> Epic Bollywood Action Scene <<
Film directors! If you can't do a scene as
awesome as this then you don't know jack.
Learn from the best:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Epic_Bollywood_Action_Sc...
>> The spookiest video we've ever seen <<
In the week where Stephen Hawking has shocked
us all by stating his lack of belief in God -
we want to say categorically that we believe in
ghosts and this is the proof:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Did_you_see_it
>> Boob Apron! <<
Sometimes we throw vids in that are simply
popular on our links board, even though they
leave us cold. This is a case in point. It
just makes us go "uh" but you lot have voted
for it in your droves. It takes all sorts to
run this world but we wouldn't want to paint
it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boob_Apron
>> EDL Fashion <<
A terrifying, new fashion movement is sweeping
the UK, calling itself the Evisu Defence
League. Ho ho. Actually, to spell out the joke,
the EDL is the English Defence League and is a
far-right organisation of yobs who want to
give our Muslim chums a kicking, which, quite
possibly, is a pretty awful idea.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/EDL_Fashion
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Redefining the word 'funny' to mean 'shit'
* THE OLD WANG JOKE - alex__watson writes,
"OK, so it's not exactly a 'cool link', but I
know how much you love funny name corner, so I
thought I'd send you this cracker."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._P._Wang
* GOSH IT LOOKS LIKE A PENIS - Doofs writes,
"Ever done a google image search for a
geoduck? Marvellous looking molluscs that have
the thirteen year old boy in me chortling
merrily..." We also thank Wikipedia for the
following sentence, "Its large, meaty siphon
is prized for its savory flavor and crunchy
texture".
http://www.google.co.uk/images
-------------------------------------------------
: WORLD'S BIGGEST FUN SNAP
Our readers respond
Last week we were in a kiddie toy shop and
bought some fun snaps to entertain the kids
(ok, ourselves, but the kids liked them too)
and idly wondered about making a really big
one. Seems we've hit on a minor universal here
as you lot wrote in about it:
* LEG BURNS - DirtyArse writes, "DO NOT try
this unless you want to lose some flesh and
your hearing. I tried it when I was about 12.
Emptied about 3 boxes' worth of fun snaps into
an empty crisp packet and was going for a
fourth when I moved slightly and set it off
while it was on my leg. I still have the scar."
* CLEARED SINUSES - axeman3d writes, "I had the
same brainwave when I had just turned 13, and
put it into practice. I bought two whole
packets of fun snaps and began carefully
unwrapping and emptying them out onto a single
sheet of tissue paper on my mum's coffee table.
I was about two-thirds of the way through
making my little explosive crystal mountain
when the last one I put on appears to have made
it hit critical mass. It's true what they say,
you don't hear the bang when you're that close.
I swear I sat there for a full 30 seconds
frozen in mid-pour, my brain trying to come to
terms with what just happened. My hearing was a
bit off and my nose and sinuses felt empty, but
that was it."
* BLEW UP IN MY FACE - Shippy writes, "I used
to think this was a good idea too until I made
some myself. I got round to making a few
conker-sized ones when one blew up in my face
as I was wrapping it up. Once I could hear
again and stand up straight, I decided that was
enough for me."
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Getting Worse Challenge
Last week we wanted you to take regular
situations and make them worse
Your favourites included:
* TIGER - Cat Bin Lady is in for a
nasty surprise (the invisable man)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10165646
* TOWERS - Cat Bin Lady versus Osama
Bin Laden (Jimbotfu)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10166691
* SPAM - tough times for the
creators of popular pretend
meat (mofaha)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10166691
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gettingworse/
>> New challenge: Limericks <<
Make up a limerick or short poem, then
illustrate your work using the medium
of picture or animation. Challenge
suggested by The Hedgehog From Hell,
via danielgoodm and Fitznicely
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/limericks/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TAN LADY SHOWS PANTS ON TV -
grandmasterfluffles writes, "Me ranting about
Ryanair on BBC News this morning. Not remotely
interesting in itself unless you're a
musician... but you can see my pants at 0:58. I
really wish I'd worn nicer pants... :("
http://snurl.com/ryanairrantypants
* MOSQOPOLY! - "Inspired by the recent 'Ground
Zero Mosque' crazies, I made a free
print-and-play game for y'all," writes Andy
Sheerin. "It's called 'Mosqopoly' and is full
of r(ofl)asicm. And yes, that totally works as
a word."
http://www.terrorbullgames.co.uk/mosqopoly
* ARTY VIDEO - Older members may remember
DIYJoe for his SimonSwears project of
yesteryear and he writes, "Earlier this year,
we were offered an official place in the
Edinburgh Art Festival, a hi-tech gallery in
the middle of town and a blank canvas to make
something wonderful. We decided to make a
film, one frame at a time, with people all
around the world. Is it art? Who knows, but we
do think it's wonderful."
http://www.blipfoto.com/lifeturns/
* FREE GLOBAL WIRELESS - ngnlabs wrote a long
email about why we wouldn't get free global
wireless which we're subbing down to this
single line, "Yes it can be done, Google will
do it when 4G eventually creeps out around the
world. Sneaky bastards eh?"
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* THOMTHOM - a Sat-Nav voiced by Thom Yorke -
it'll will direct you anywhere, assuming
anywhere means the local suicide hot-spot.
* A RIVAL FOR SPOTIFY THAT COSTS LESS THAN £10
per month - we're currently using an old
iPhone with a slightly broken screen as the
main source of music in the B3ta Shed.
* ANTI-STIG FILTER - Gingineer asks, "Hey
guys, in 2 weeks a book will be released with
the identity of the Stig. Can someone design a
filter for web browsers so that when it goes
viral I can avoid finding out who the Stig
is!! Points for spamming Harper Collins with
crap."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by ham.sandwich, westcountryninja.
Top Tippery by The Archduke of South London.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Subjlols via Emvee.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
-------------------------------------------------
: TOP TIP:
Internet Geeks! Trick your online friends into
thinking you have real friends by not logging
online for a few hours.
