we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* DIRTY - Cassetteboy vs. Dragons' Den
* DANGEROUS - Sheep vs. deck chair
* PLASTIC - Homeless people vs. credit cards

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Issue 444. Two thirds      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  of the beast. Satanist
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  amputee porn basically"

B3ta email 444 - 3 Sept 2010

Please recycle this issue after printing:

       Sex gods:  [email protected]
     Fuckwits:  [email protected]

  Down Terrace DVD
  B3tan Ben Wheatley's wonderful film has
  finally come to DVD. We've bought a copy and
  so should you, not because it's good (tho it
  is) but because you should support interesting
  British films made by people you vaguely sort
  of know because of the internet. Down Terrace
  was also co-written by and stars Robin Hill who you
  might remember from some of Ben's shorts like
  Cunning Stunt. We asked Robin for a quote to
  help plug the film and he said, "Due to an
  administrative glitch every penny they spend on
  Down Terrace will go to charities supporting
  far right causes." Thanks Robin!

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Dragons, Deck chairs and CDCs

  >> Cassetteboy vs Dragons' Den <<
  "I'll tell you where I am," moans cut-up
  supremo Cassetteboy. "I'm indoors, watching
  Dragon's Den, all bloody summer." This is the
  sequel to last year's smash hit, The Bloody
  Apprentice. "People always ask this sort of
  thing, so you might like to know that it took
  about three weeks to make, working on it day
  and night."

  >> Deck Chair <<
  "Ignore instruction manuals at your peril,"
  warns Sheep! "Does anyone else love the word
  peril?" he continues, giggling recklessly.

  >> Crap Graffiti <<
  "Here's my newest project," boasts son of
  crazymum. "It shall become the internet's
  foremost collection of crudely-drawn cocks and
  toilet wall art!"


  The B3ta Confessional

  In honour of the impending papal whatsits, we
  asked people to confess past wrongdoings so that
  fellow board members could absolve their sins:

  * "I lived in a little terraced house, in an
   area popular with young families. When the baby
   Ott3r arrived, amidst a storm of primary coloured
   plastic and weird things that I still haven't
   worked out the use of, we bought a baby monitor.
   It turns out that there are only so many
   frequencies: after rushing upstairs to calm the
   cries of mysteriously sleeping baby on a couple
   of occasions, we figured out that someone was
   using OUR frequency. Well, something had to be
   done. So, in the wee small hours of the morning...
   I picked up the 'transmit' bit of the baby monitor,
   and started speaking into it... And so it was
   that a house a few doors up the street suddenly
   lit up as (I imagine) the concerned parents
   rushed to baby's room to find the source of a 
   creepy baby voice that was repeating "Satan is
   my Maaaaaster, Satan is my Maaaaaster."
  * "Gary the Electrician, do you remember when we
   were 19 and were helping with my uncle's loft
   conversion? Do you remember me and Spud going
   into the loft to feed down a cable that you'd
   installed? We couldn't find the hole you'd made
   so we asked you to stick your finger up through
   it. Do you remember Spud saying, "Hold on Gary,
   we still can't see it"? When you put your finger
   back up through the hole, you recoiled slightly
   because you didn't like the feel of what was on
   the other side. That's because Spud had dropped
   his trousers and pants and squatted over the
   hole, sphincter hovering ever so close to it.
   You touched his ring that day and you never knew.
   It's the hardest I've ever tried to stop myself
   howling with laughter. Sorry, Gary."
   (Monkey the Chicken)
  * "On holiday in Ireland with some friends. At
   one of the pubs we stopped at for lunch, I went
   to the lavatory only to notice that someone had
   written "PIRA" on the back of the door. Now, I'm
   usually a thoroughly law-abiding chap who
   wouldn't vandalise anything, but given this mark
   of support for a terrorist organisation, just
   this once I couldn't resist. Assuming it's still
   there, the door now reads "ARR, PIRATES!"

  Now go read the wonderful comments to this 
  particularly blatant piece of boasting. Peter
  Davison's cartoons are aces:

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Have you ever complained? Did it involve spraying
  their offices with manure, or was a particularly
  snippy tone all you could muster?:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> OCD blog <<
  Are you the kind of person who likes things to
  be just so? Have you arranged your CD
  collection (remember them?) into asciibetic
  order? Then you'll enjoy this collection of
  very nicely-placed stuff. Or maybe there's just
  one item that's ever so slightly at the wrong
  angle and you'll start pulling your hair out
  until your scalp bleeds and the physical pain
  blots out the screaming inside.

  >> Earworm Replacement Therapy <<
  There are competing theories for getting tunes
  out of your head - personally we subscribe to
  the idea of listening to the tune to the
  resolution: "ahh, done!" Or, conversely, you
  can listen to another, equally catchy, tune.
  BTW: The tune currently spinning in our ears
  whilst we sleep? That M.I.A one that goes "All
  I wanna do is BANG BANG BANG BANG and take your
  money." We also find ourselves making pointy
  finger guns and doing pow-pow noises.

  >> Giving credit cards to tramps <<
  Wonderful social experiment - give some
  homeless people a credit card and see where
  they spend the cash. We were fascinated by how
  much of the money ended up at McDonalds.
  Possibly not the brand message they want to be
  pushing out - when you're homeless, a greasy
  burger is a bit of a treat.

  >> 100 year-old colour photos <<
  Because of the limitations of black and white
  photography it's sometimes hard to see the
  past as a living, breathing world much like our
  own - these photographs of Russians make it
  all so much more human.

  >> Eco-Urinal <<
  Smart idea here - use the water from washing
  your hands to flush the urinal. Worried about
  the potential for major splashback though;
  it's always great walking back to your table
  with wet patches on your trousers. (We
  normally apologise and say we've come on and
  run out of Manpons.)

  >> 50-cent is on Twitter... <<
  ...and he writes like a 14 year old retard.
  Quotes include: 
  * "If you a stripper and you have a low self
  esteem Its probably because your fat and ugly.
  I suggest you kill yourself"
  * "My aunt sylvia didnt like me growin up
  cause she was the baby till I came. we had
  roaches so she put roach spray in a bowl and
  kill my dog"
  * "Check out my new background. This is for
  ladies only I don't want you cock sucking
  niggas looking at this lol "


  Films! On a computer! Wow!

  >> Smoke your little smoke <<
  Yes! What the world has been waiting for, Ben
  Folds, Nick Hornby, & Pomplamoose together at
  last on one song. Er... Surprisingly
  entertaining actually, although we're not
  actually convinced intoxicants are the best
  way of puzzling out complicated thoughts. It's
  great when you're straight, yeah!

  >> Stutter Bubble! <<
  Hadn't seen this Paul Kaye clip before but
  it's got a punk rock misanthropy that's
  exhilarating - friends tell us that the show
  it's from is a bit one-note though.

  >> Epic Bollywood Action Scene <<
  Film directors! If you can't do a scene as
  awesome as this then you don't know jack.
  Learn from the best:

  >> The spookiest video we've ever seen <<
  In the week where Stephen Hawking has shocked
  us all by stating his lack of belief in God -
  we want to say categorically that we believe in
  ghosts and this is the proof:

  >> Boob Apron! <<
  Sometimes we throw vids in that are simply
  popular on our links board, even though they
  leave us cold. This is a case in point. It
  just makes us go "uh" but you lot have voted
  for it in your droves. It takes all sorts to
  run this world but we wouldn't want to paint

  >> EDL Fashion <<
  A terrifying, new fashion movement is sweeping
  the UK, calling itself the Evisu Defence
  League. Ho ho. Actually, to spell out the joke,
  the EDL is the English Defence League and is a
  far-right organisation of yobs who want to
  give our Muslim chums a kicking, which, quite
  possibly, is a pretty awful idea.


  Redefining the word 'funny' to mean 'shit'
  * THE OLD WANG JOKE - alex__watson writes,
  "OK, so it's not exactly a 'cool link', but I
  know how much you love funny name corner, so I
  thought I'd send you this cracker."

  * GOSH IT LOOKS LIKE A PENIS - Doofs writes,
  "Ever done a google image search for a
  geoduck? Marvellous looking molluscs that have
  the thirteen year old boy in me chortling
  merrily..." We also thank Wikipedia for the
  following sentence, "Its large, meaty siphon
  is prized for its savory flavor and crunchy


  Our readers respond
  Last week we were in a kiddie toy shop and
  bought some fun snaps to entertain the kids
  (ok, ourselves, but the kids liked them too)
  and idly wondered about making a really big
  one. Seems we've hit on a minor universal here
  as you lot wrote in about it:

  * LEG BURNS - DirtyArse writes, "DO NOT try
  this unless you want to lose some flesh and
  your hearing. I tried it when I was about 12.
  Emptied about 3 boxes' worth of fun snaps into
  an empty crisp packet and was going for a
  fourth when I moved slightly and set it off
  while it was on my leg. I still have the scar."

  * CLEARED SINUSES - axeman3d writes, "I had the
  same brainwave when I had just turned 13, and
  put it into practice. I bought two whole
  packets of fun snaps and began carefully
  unwrapping and emptying them out onto a single
  sheet of tissue paper on my mum's coffee table.
  I was about two-thirds of the way through
  making my little explosive crystal mountain
  when the last one I put on appears to have made
  it hit critical mass. It's true what they say,
  you don't hear the bang when you're that close.
  I swear I sat there for a full 30 seconds
  frozen in mid-pour, my brain trying to come to
  terms with what just happened. My hearing was a
  bit off and my nose and sinuses felt empty, but
  that was it."

  * BLEW UP IN MY FACE - Shippy writes, "I used
  to think this was a good idea too until I made
  some myself. I got round to making a few
  conker-sized ones when one blew up in my face
  as I was wrapping it up. Once I could hear
  again and stand up straight, I decided that was
  enough for me."


  Results from the Getting Worse Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to take regular
  situations and make them worse

  Your favourites included:
  * TIGER - Cat Bin Lady is in for a
    nasty surprise (the invisable man)

  * TOWERS - Cat Bin Lady versus Osama
    Bin Laden (Jimbotfu)

  * SPAM - tough times for the 
    creators of popular pretend 
    meat (mofaha)

  All these images, and the highest as
  voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Limericks <<
  Make up a limerick or short poem, then 
  illustrate your work using the medium 
  of picture or animation. Challenge 
  suggested by The Hedgehog From Hell, 
  via danielgoodm and Fitznicely


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  grandmasterfluffles writes, "Me ranting about
  Ryanair on BBC News this morning. Not remotely
  interesting in itself unless you're a
  musician... but you can see my pants at 0:58. I
  really wish I'd worn nicer pants... :("

  * MOSQOPOLY! - "Inspired by the recent 'Ground
  Zero Mosque' crazies, I made a free
  print-and-play game for y'all," writes Andy
  Sheerin. "It's called 'Mosqopoly' and is full
  of r(ofl)asicm. And yes, that totally works as
  a word."

  * ARTY VIDEO - Older members may remember
  DIYJoe for his SimonSwears project of
  yesteryear and he writes, "Earlier this year,
  we were offered an official place in the
  Edinburgh Art Festival, a hi-tech gallery in
  the middle of town and a blank canvas to make
  something wonderful. We decided to make a
  film, one frame at a time, with people all
  around the world. Is it art? Who knows, but we
  do think it's wonderful."

  * FREE GLOBAL WIRELESS - ngnlabs wrote a long
  email about why we wouldn't get free global
  wireless which we're subbing down to this
  single line, "Yes it can be done, Google will
  do it when 4G eventually creeps out around the
  world. Sneaky bastards eh?"



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * THOMTHOM - a Sat-Nav voiced by Thom Yorke -
  it'll will direct you anywhere, assuming
  anywhere means the local suicide hot-spot.

  per month - we're currently using an old
  iPhone with a slightly broken screen as the
  main source of music in the B3ta Shed.

  * ANTI-STIG FILTER - Gingineer asks, "Hey
  guys, in 2 weeks a book will be released with
  the identity of the Stig. Can someone design a
  filter for web browsers so that when it goes
  viral I can avoid finding out who the Stig
  is!! Points for spamming Harper Collins with

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by ham.sandwich, westcountryninja.
  Top Tippery by The Archduke of South London.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry. Subjlols via Emvee.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

  Internet Geeks! Trick your online friends into
  thinking you have real friends by not logging
  online for a few hours.

next issue »
« previous issue