NEWSLETTER: "CUT OUT AND KEEP AMSTRAD CPC464 COMMEMORATIVE ISSUE"
This Week:
* POKES AND PEEKS - Youtube infinity lives poke!
* IPHONE 4 - No tape drive shock!
* FACEBOOK - Exciting 'friend based' type-in!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're going to make
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | lots of references to
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| old computers... alone"
B3ta disk based fanzine 464 - 28 Jan 2011
Print this issue out on your DMP 2000, NLQ mode:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue464/
LOAD "[email protected]"
CTRL SHIFT ESC: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then stick your acoustic couplers
here, and "log on" to our M.U.D:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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1 REM *****************************
2 REM **** ALAN SUGAR EMULATOR ****
3 REM *****************************
10 input "Are you a twat? (y/n)",a$
20 if a$="y" print "You're hired!": end
30 if a$="n" print "You're fired!"
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Planes, Doctor Who, Mentos and Sticks
>> Paper planes from space! <<
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" yells Joel Veitch,
for it is he. "We released a load of paper planes
at an altitude of over 37,000 metres - which is
loads higher than we thought we'd get, so christ
alone knows how far they'll go. The video makes
it look like we were vaguely competent and that
it was quite quick, neither of which are true. It
was difficult and fraught!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/583555
>> Doctor Hooey <<
"Ever wondered what Dr Who would look like if,
remade by a Turkish cable channel on a budget
of £27?" inquires majoringram. In fact we were
considering that very thing - thanks! FYI: He
is now taking applications for Daleks in part 2.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Doctor_Hooey
>> Mentos and Coca-Cola experiment <<
"Quite dangerous, isn't it?" asks Black Moon, as
he posts this documentary proof.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mentos_and_Coca_Cola_exp...
>> Sticks whodunnit <<
"Here's a fresh Sticks," writes MyUlls.
"Featuring an evil jar of tahini and a cunning
marble. Obviously." See if you can guess the
murderer before the big reveal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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The CPC464 was launched on the 21st June 1984,
which makes it two days older than Welsh
songstress Duffy. The CPC is better because it's
not Welsh and woudn't reject our 3" floppy.
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: SOLVE YOUR HANGOVERS
Sponsored linky
Drinking is utterly awesome until the next
morning and you wake up and feel like you've had
brain surgery performed with a house brick.
Solve this with a magic pill. Because these
pills are magic.
http://www.b4sonline.com
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
DIY Surgery
"You KNOW something's SERIOUSLY wrong when you
are naked, on your knees and wearing goggles
with your cock in one hand and a miniature
angle-grinder in the other." Go read this and
his other tale of a DIY enema gone wrong:
http://b3ta.com/questions/diysurgery/
* "Back in the 80s, my dad worked shifts as a
textile worker, which required regular and
respectful use of massive fuck-off machines of
varying degrees of crushingness, choppingness
and mangleability. My dad remained unscathed,
but other more careless employees had lost a few
bits and bobs here and there, ranging from a
digit or two to, well, continued existence on
the mortal plane. One of the lads on shift with
my dad paid for a lapse of concentration with
the loss of the tip of his middle finger, just
below the nail. Painful, but a lucky escape in
comparison to some. Some staunching, a visit to
A+E, application of gauze and bandage, a few
days off work in a painkillered haze and a
lesson learned. Job's a good 'un. A few weeks
pass and the dressing comes off, revealing his
newly foreshortened finger. The getting-used-to
of it proceeds as more time passes, and soon
enough, it's just the way things are. Which is
presumably what makes the gradual appearance and
growth of a little fleshy nubbin at the end
something of mild interest, rather than a
potential cause for concern. It's probably also
the reason why our hero feels no need to visit a
doctor, even if just to put his mind at ease.
It's obviously the lost nail pushing its way
back out. Obviously. So he gets the nail
clippers, pincers the nubbin between the blades
and snips ...the nerve ending...clear through.
He woke full two days later in hospital." (doran)
* "A few years ago I decided to try my hand at
flint napping. My other half at the time
suggested I wear safety gloves/goggles lest a
nasty razor sharp shard of flint decide to
become one with my person. Naturally, I ignored
this and carried on regardless. After a while,
dissatisfied with my progress, I decided to go
at it with a lump hammer. *Something* broke off
and sliced my finger open, which bled profusely.
It was some weeks before I realised I had
something lodged deep, deep inside there. The
doctor wouldn't operate as it would apparently
work its way out eventually. It didn't. It was
some years before I accidentally discovered the
*something* inside my finger was magnetic! I
spent days with a hard drive magnet slowly
teasing the mysterious object from my finger,
until one day it tore through the surface and I
pulled a small cresent-shaped shard of lump
hammer from my finger, leaving a strangely not
bleeding hole visible all the way to the bone,
and the greatest feeling of satisfaction I've
ever felt. Lovely." (brutal stack)
* "A friend of mine, at a party, decided to take
his bean bag apart. Lots of little polystyrene
pellets. Lots of fun having indoor snowball
fights and generally drunkenly cocking about.
Until I got a bean in my ear. Right deep down in
my ear. Couldn't get it out with a finger.
Couldn't get it out with pliers. I'm now
completely deaf in that ear. I've only succeeded
in pushing it further in. Brainwave. Out comes
the Dyson. Hose attachement. Socket it into my
ear, nod, and the power comes on... Took me two
weeks for my ear to stop ringing so I could tell
if the process had worked or not. It had. Dysons
are noisy!" (inflateable)
>> This Week: I'm glad nobody saw me <<
Have you ever done something stupid and sighed
with relief when a quick look about revealed
nobody was watching? Did you get away with it?
This week's question sponsored by Mary Bale:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nobodysawme/
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Whilst in development the 464 was codenamed
Arnold, an anagram of Roland, the name of the
engineer who lead the project. Sticking 'Roland'
into an anagram generator we get 'lard on' which
is great because it sounds like the stiffy a fat
man would get when thinking about Greggs.
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: BEN GOLDACRE PLUG
Lock up your pets, Ben is on tour
To absolve us from a secret sin, Dr Ben
suggested we could redress our karmic balance by
plugging his sciencey tour that he's doing with
his cyber-chums. You should def go if you want
to see a man with curly hair get very excited
about geeky stuff. Brian Cox, Simon Singh and
Robin Ince will also be there, so it's going to
be a bit of a treat for the ladies.
http://goo.gl/kWID9
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: BRIEF SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* HOW SECURE IS YOUR PASSWORD? - a neat little
test, although typing your passwords into a
random site that knows your IP address is
possibly dumb.
http://howsecureismypassword.net/
* GOOGLE LOLS -
1) Go to Google translate
2) English to Hungarian
3) Type in "cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese
cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese
cheese cheese"
4) Click Listen
5) Laugh like a little child
http://translate.google.com/
* DRUNK OR CHILD - "I pooped in a bucket in
another room while my friend was sleeping." What
do you reckon? The words of a toddler, or a
tippler?
http://www.drunkorchild.com/
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The 464 came in two models, with a colour or a
green screen monitor. We'd like to come in two
models, Irina Shayk and Lily Cole but we're
writing self-indulgent retro computing jokes on
the internet and apparently these things are
mutually exclusive. Who knew?
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: FUNNY OR INTERESTING IMAGES FOLDER
Mini lols for the time-poor
* FUNNY! ROW BETWEEN TWO CHURCHES - although
what's interesting is the amount of people who
want to believe this is true rather than the
obvious (and amusing) photoshop that it is.
http://bit.ly/f5zDJT
* INTERESTING! REEFY ART - Jason de Caires
Taylor makes concrete sculptures, submerges
them in sea water and waits for coral to grow.
Lovely idea and very beautiful.
http://goo.gl/Xblww
* FUNNY! DAYTIME TV TALK SHOW LABELS - these shows sort
of look awesome and we'd totally watch, if we
could be arsed to leave the laptop alone for 15
minutes.
http://www.youmightlikethis.com/2011/01/this-is-am...
* FUNNY! IGGY POP IS SAD TORSO - btw if you've
never listened to Iggy's album The Idiot, call
it up NOW on spotify. NOW damn you.
http://goo.gl/yDGXL
* INTERESTING! PORNY BIRO ART - no idea who
makes these but if any women end up dead with a
blue biro shoved up their vagina then Dexter would
finger this guy.
http://www.leenks.com/gallery1406.htm
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In the late '80s the 464 was relauched as the
464plus. Everything with plus added is shit.
Spectrum+. Timesplus. Platyplus.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
160x200 pixel sized 2fps lols
* COOKING IN SWEDEN - Sweden used to be such a
nice word. Abba, Volvos, I Am Curious (Yellow)
etc. Now it's been taken over by sinister forces.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Just_your_average_meal_t...
* BOLLYWOOD MATRIX - the most exciting action
sequence we've seen in yonks. Just when you
think they're going to pull back from the edge
of silliness, they crank it up another notch.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bollywoods_version_of_Th...
* BADLY-TRANSLATED MADONNA INTERVIEW - Madonna
interview translated from Hungarian back to
English. Then translated from English to
Hungarian and then back to English again.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/French_Saunders_Read_fro...
* INSIDE AN ALCOHOLIC'S KITCHEN - amasters1980
writes, "A friend of mine decided to film the
kitchen belonging to one of his friends. Despite
him living there for over a year there is
nothing edible there, save for a bag of frozen
peas and a can of macaroni cheese. However,
every cupboard and drawer is stuffed with wine
bottles." Funny, or arguably tragic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* YEOMAN TOUR - Yeomen Warders work at the Tower
of London and probably had something real to do
in olden times but these days are mostly there
to entertain the tourists, and entertain they
very much do do. We hope this guy keeps his job
once this vid goes viral, as his humour could get
him into trouble.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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Lord Sugar's mum had named him Barry Alan Sugar
and not Alan Michael then his company would have
been the quite wonderful BASTRAD PLC
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Manhood Community College
We're sure Manhood Community College is a great
school and we have no desire to have their PTA
sending us complaint letters but it is a bit of
a silly name. "I was expelled from Manhood."
http://bit.ly/gntzCG
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If Alan is the 464. Nick and Margeret are
peripherals. Nick is stiff and irritating, a DD1
disk drive. Margaret crusty and dusty, a broken
DMP-1 printer. His new flash turnip Karen Brady,
a futuristic DK'tronics lightpen.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Pointless USB Challenge
Last week we wanted you to invent entirely
stupid USB devices.
Your favourites included:
* CLEVER - this is the kind of brilliant
Scientific thinking that made our nation great
(The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10310170
* TINY - for those occasions when a regular
keyboard is just too big (benito vaselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10312940
* PRISM - Pink Floyd's prog classic given the
USB treatment (Christian's Bolt and Ski)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10311763
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pointlessusbdevice/
>> New challenge: Goth <<
It's dark, it's gloomy, it sits in its room
listening to the Sisters of Mercy, and it's this
week's single-word challenge: Goth!
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/goth/
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The CPC disk operating system was called Amsdos
- a variation on the name of the more popular
MSDOS. Should the 464 had lasted a few more
years then maybe it could have run Amsdows.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* APPEAL FOR SLOGANS - badnanny writes, "Dear
Lovely b3ta, I am having a new year revolution!
I am contacting all sorts of people and asking
for quotes/doodles to embroider onto
'uncomfortable cushions'. I'm after stuff that
will get people thinking a bit, don't care what
it is so long as its not sweary or booby. I'm
going to try to sell them at craft fairs in
Brighton. Please be delicious and send me a
little quotey something and I'll send a picture
in return. Let me stitch you up! Big thanks,
Weez x" Send your slogan to badnanny AT hotmail
co uk. Our suggestions included, "DOWNLOADING...
TEA", "Hug me over your tummy" and "Me, myself
and Wifi"
* PHIL ZIMMERMAN vs iPHONE 4 - Writes Joel,
"Phil Zimmerman reviews the iPhone 4 for us.
He's not impressed with the way the predictive
texting doesn't function properly, and is not
pleased he has to buy a rubber sheath for it."
http://goo.gl/UeMF1
* HACK FOR ESTIMATING EBAY POSTAL - lots of your
wrote in and suggest buying scales (boring!) but
we liked the simplicity of The Vomiting
Hitchhiker who writes, "Find similar items on
eBay, check the seller's feedback, then copy
their postal charges if it's good!"
* GEEKY DIGITAL TIMES - welsh git writes, "I
can't believe you forgot to mention the time:
4:04 - time not found. Call yourself geeks?"
ARGH! We're so shit.
* KIM JONG IL SONG - ma0sm writes, "I recorded a
song in tribute to the website Kim Jong Il
looking at things which you can listen to at the
link below. Would be great if you featured it in
the newsletter." This really made us grin, and
we like the idea of writing different songs to
listen along to with famous websites.
http://Soundcloud.com/neonhighwire/Kim-Jong-il-loo...
* PANDERING BUT NICE EMAIL OF THE WEEK - Claire
writes, "my newsletter subscription has
outlasted the boyfriend who originally
introduced me to it, oh, 5 or so years ago!"
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Issue 664 in 2014. 6128? Due in 2123. Your
Ginger Fuhrer will be 150 and telepathically
dictating each issue from his cryogenically
preserved head into an Amstrad 8256.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Online CPC emulator
Similar to the Jasper one for the ZX spectrum
that's been knocking around for years, you can
now play your favourite 464 games in your
browser. Well, worked for us in Safari and
massively failed in Chrome. Still, nice to look
at the porky pixel loading screens.
http://java.cpc-live.com/
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An early starring role for Amstrad computers was
in the TV soap Eastenders. Colin and Barry, the
gay couple, had a 6128 in their flat which
purred seductively in back of shots, exciting
schoolboys everywhere.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* ROOM 404 - a podcast where nerdy guests chat
about 10 websites / technologies that aren't
there any more but were aces. This week Sir
Clive on the QL, wobbly ram packs and the now
closed Spearmint Rhino website.
* DOOBAGE SORTER - flatfrog requests, "a machine
that will sort through all the crap at the
bottom of my bag and pick out the leftover
crumbs of weed, to save me from smoking bits of
chocolate, grit and broccoli florets." Ah, we
remember being young, trying to smoke banana
skins and cobwebs. Still do actually; got a
taste for it.
* LAPTOP BATTERIES THAT GENUINELY LAST ALL DAY -
would be a bit more useful than making them go
5% faster.
Send contributions on a Woolworths C15 cassette,
recorded twice on each side with a printed-out
listing.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us using our cyber-eyes.
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Load "[email protected]", &c0000
Save, "[email protected]",a
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THANKS:
This Feb 1985 edition of Amstrad Action was
written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson.
Type-ins sent in by carl_baley,
DaveExclamationMark, @Daffydil, @iankwilliams,
Captain_lambkin, @williamtheblood,
@jameskhedley, Bootsthealchemist, @watfordpete,
@somegreybloke, dirtyscarab, @Simon_Pegg, John
McEnroe and DisgruntledGoat. Pokes by Smale.
Advanced OCP Art Studio readers images selected
by Fraser Lewry. Adventure game reviews by Mike
'The Pilgrim' Trinder. Font font also by Mike,
who worked very hard on this, poor chap.
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TOP TIP:
Insulate your house. Inject a mixture of whipped
egg white and sugar into the wall cavities and
the loft. Turn the heating up to high. Hey
presto: meringue insulation.
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TOP TIP 2:
If you're having difficulty loading your
newsletter then try adjusting the azimuth
settings on your tape drive.
