NEWSLETTER: "WEUNDERVALUEANYCAR.COM"
This Week:
* SONG - Twitter Synth Pop
* VID - Hawking Rap Battle
* TRAUMA - B3tan Nights Out
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're typing in
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web listings...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"
B3ta email 473 - 1 Apr 2011
Read this issue on ticker tape:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue473/
Kisses: [email protected]
Pisses: [email protected]
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making poos
>> Where the fuck is this? <<
"Ever see a nice location on flickr or
whereever, wanted to go there, but don't know
where it is?" asks Peter. "Us too." Now you can
submit photos and crowdsource your way to a new
holiday destination.
http://www.wherethefuckisthis.com
>> Twitter synthpop <<
Because "what the world needs now is synthpop
about Twitter," explains Ricardo Autobahn.
Should be popular on Twitter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Jack draws anything <<
"This is my kid," proudly boasts Jack's dad. "He
is 6 and is raising money for the hospital that
saved his brother's life by drawing *anything*.
Please don't take the piss, he is doing really
well and has raised 7K so far!"
http://jackdrawsanything.com/
>> Cassetteboy vs. The Hairy Bikers <<
"The usual smut," promises hirsute cut-up genius
Cassetteboy. Kind of NSFW, as the Brummie cooks
take on Britain's mums.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cassetteboy_vs_The_Hairy...
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: I SPOT IMPROMPTU GAMES
Your newsletter team has produced another of
their 'I Spots' for E4. This mostly concerns the
stupid games we play to pass the time whilst
walking the streets. Like going from A to Z
in popstars.
http://www.e4.com/wtf/ispot-games/index.html
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Nights Out Gone Wrong
Out the door with best of intentions go our
lovely, innocent B3tans. Till they get a drink
down them, that is. Then, all sorts of wrong
goes on:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nightsoutgonewrong/
* FOX BITES DRUNKEN TWAT - "I'll never live down
my first night out at Uni. I was a fresh-faced
country boy, enthralled to the pleasures of the
big city (well OK, Nottingham), and wasn't yet
fully versed in the dark arts of getting
completely twatted. I'd already spectacularly
vomited through my nose after snorting
Aftershock, when... there was a fox. Being from
the country I'd never actually seen one up
close: city foxes are different to country ones
- they have no absolutely no fear. "Look, ish a
Fox!!" I cried, loping off towards it clutching
a pint of Guinness. I got within about 5m of it,
wavering slightly. It stared at me. I stared at
it. It seemed to beckon me closer with its eyes.
Its big, friendly, I-just-want-to-be-stroked fox
eyes. "It wants to be my friend!", I thought,
"But how do I demonstrate that my intentions are
benign?" The answer was obvious. I needed to
feed it Guinness. I bent down slightly and
extended my pint. The fox approached closer, I
closer still. It sniffed the Guinness, tilted
its little foxy-face quizzically and tasted the
Guinness! Success! Inter-species understanding
had been achieved! It then savaged my hand and I
had to go to A&E for a bandage, a tetanus jab,
and to be laughed at by the hospital staff."
(gibbletwunt)
* ROOKY PULLING ERROR - "Turning to the man
behind me, I slurred, "I think I've pulled
here." I most definitely hadn't. And informing
her boyfriend of my intentions ensured the only
thing I took home was a black eye."
(nightbuffalo)
* PUBLIC HUMILIATION - "I got so pissed I fell
asleep on the toilet. I woke after god knows how
long with numb legs and dribble down my shirt.
Slipped out of my shoes to creep into the
bedroom so as not to disturb The Lovely Mrs Ring
Of Fire... and found myself standing in the
public bar of my local with a shoe in each
hand." (Ring Of Fire)
>> This week's question: Irrational hatred <<
People who say "less" when they mean "fewer"
ought to be turned into soup, the soup fed to
baboons and the baboons fired into an active
volcano. What has you grinding your teeth with
rage, and why? Fume here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/irrationalhatred/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* WILL THE LAST PERSON LEFT IN EUROPE PLEASE
TURN OUT THE LIGHTS? - As the banks and
globalisation have turned our world to shit, the
young of Ireland are upping sticks to look for
fortune elsewhere. A photographic record of
those on the move:
http://bit.ly/hKzouX
* BOO HOO A BAD REVIEW - Everywhere this week
was the story about author Jacqueline Howett
complaining about getting a bad review. The
perverse thing is, she'll probably now sell a
crapload of shitty books.
http://goo.gl/xYWFO
* HOW TO HIDE A PLANE - Before Lockheed Martin
were mostly concerned with knowing which
supermarkets we visit or selling arms to the
highest bidder, they actually did some pretty
nifty shizzle:
http://stories-etc.com/hidden.htm
* AMAZON SPRINKLER FUN
1. Click linky
2. Click "see all customer images"
3. Lol
http://goo.gl/e6k8E
* 4-PANEL PEANUTS CARTOONS - if you remove the
final punchline panel they become rather bleak
little snapshots of misery. Wonder what effect
this would have on other comics?
http://3eanuts.tumblr.com/
* CANNON & BALL ALBUM - This oddity was made in
the 80s when center-of-the-road comics Cannon &
Ball were still popular. Click on a song to hear
it, complete with lyrics; it's proper car crash
stuff. The cover of Oliver's Army is something
really special though & we're sure Elvis
Costello wished he'd done a stand-up routine at
the end.
http://goo.gl/q26Da
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like RudeTube with jokes (and no Alex Zane)
>> Slippery Bieber - not <<
Justin Bieber (favourite of teenage
bean-flickers from Scunthorpe to Vladivostock)
plus Slipknot (a gaggle of lumpen 30-something
men in masks) equals this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> James Goldsmith was psychic<<
His eyes are scary but when it comes to
predicting the outcome of globalization, James
Goldsmith knew the score. This was back in 1994,
when most of us were just wittering on about
Blur versus Oasis:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> iPad 2 for pervs <<
If you ever see someone with an iPad 2 covered
in clingfilm, it means they are a perv who wants
to see if ladies (or even chaps) are wearing any
knickers. This explains how:
http://t.co/CUlZO6c
>> Einstein vs Hawking <<
Hawking has been a b3ta favourite since the dawn
of time and tributes to the world's most famous
dalek-voiced wheelchair user don't come much
better than this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Einstein_vs_Hawking
>> Retro game deaths <<
Our inner Goth delighted at this surprisingly
poignant collection of deaths in 80's and 90's
games and there's also a nice computer game
version of 'Mad World' by those Arthur Janov
inspired synth popsters Tears for Fears.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Game_Deaths
>> Foamy Japanese LOLS <<
In the tradition of Takeshi's Castle or Japanese
Endurance, a group of Japanese people play
Russian roulette using a Nerf gun with a pin
attached to the end. Silly but surprisingly
tense.
http://goo.gl/JgSpc
>> Weebl's Amazing Horse song plus an Amazing Horse <<
Here some people singing an acoustic version of
Weebl's horse song - in front of an actual
horse. Peculiar but in a good way.
http://goo.gl/XueXT
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still here, still shit
Cal488 writes, "Here's one of Holland's foremost
experts on reproductive issues."
http://home.medewerker.uva.nl/a.p.hardon/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Cheese Challenge
Last week we wanted you to fiddle around with
photoshop in hope of raising a cheap laugh
concerning cheese.
Your favourites included:
* GANGSTER - classic film still re-worked via
the medium of mouse and cheese (E Dubya)
http://b3ta.com/board/10371959
* COCK - how Swiss cheese is created, in
delightfully-pencilled cartoon form (Drimble)
http://b3ta.com/board/10376229
* POEM - thrilling yet disturbing curds and
whey-based poetry. Think Poe, but with cheese
(The magic of chutney)
http://b3ta.com/board/10373600
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/cheese/
>> New challenge: Old Time Adverts <<
This week's challenge is to design old- time
adverts from the days before we knew better -
cigarettes that keep you healthy, soap that
makes housewives love their husbands more and
super-fast cookers using the wonders of radium.
Challenge suggested by Mystery_Bob.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/oldadverts/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* THE ROYAL MUG WAS REAL - IdiotSvengali writes,
"Thankyou Guandong Enterprises, it's beautiful."
http://plixi.com/p/88123967
* PROPS FOR NEWSLETTER CO-WRITER DAVE - jellytip
writes, "Hi b3ta, I was really struck by the
quality of cartoon / caricature in this -. Is
there any chance the artist (David Stevenson?)
could make a tutorial (no kittehs or goatses
needed) on how to do this? Seriously, it's
awesome work and I'd be stoked to see how this
is achieved. If he can't be arsed (it's not like
I'm offering money or anything, but would
happily stump up a tenner to his favourite
charity) - a link to a good tutorial of this
kind would be equally appreciated. Thanks, love
your work! G :)"
http://www.e4.com/wtf/internet-hoax/index.html
* B3TAN'S WORK ENDS UP IN DAILY MAIL (AGAIN) -
if we didn't hate the DM so much we'd just skip
publishing the newsletter, send all your work
directly to them and collect the cheque.
http://goo.gl/UXOQT
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: FRIDAY GAME
Space is Key - one-button flash game
Loving this game where you just press Space to
play. Great music too.
http://armorgames.com/play/10912/space-is-key
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TROLLBUSTERS - We need a list of journalists
who troll for a living and a browser plugin that
hides their posts. What bliss that would be. Or
at least flashes "WARNING! TROLLAGE!" in big
back letters. Jan Moir and Toby Young, we know
where you live.
* LOL O CLOCK TWITTER ACCOUNT - and at 7:07
everyday it sends you the most lolsome link of
the b3ta /links board that day.
* TROUBLEMAKERS ANONYMOUS - jim asks, "We've
just been stuffed on a payment from a bloke who
asked us to promote the sale of his €1m villa in
Tuscany. I'd like some clever b3tard to create a
site that outs these eejits/their companies
without incurring the wrath of libel laws."
Send anal warts via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by whitedot,
@erinclaire, tacpprm, Funt, nowaydude,
Pedantichrist, davebirss, stubbledchin,
Hellzapoppin DaveExclamationMark and WiL. Top
Tippery by sandettie light vessel automatic.
Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Newsletter
subjlols via yanmania.
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TOP TIP:
Blokes! Keep your partner happy by sprinkling
drinking chocolate down your hogs-eye for that
extra special romantic cocoa-spunk treat.
