NEWSLETTER: "ASK JEEVES BEMOANS LACK OF FACEBOOK SMEAR"
This Week:
* FACEBOOK FIGHTS - Nick Clegg vs Hitler
* BREAKING THE LAW - Superinjunction song
* WATERBOARD CATS - the Australian way
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're all storing
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | wee in bottles
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ...together"
B3ta dog egg pie 478 - 13 May 2011
Smear this issue in poo as a dirty protest:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue478/
Bobby Sands: [email protected]
Ian Paisley: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Tinie Tempah's Tiniest Gig
The petite rapper puts on an exclusive show for
an unsuspecting fan. Tinie met Katie during a
live recording of Wonderwoman and they ended up
dancing and hugging. Like real friends do. All
courtesy of O2.
http://bit.ly/iPiwNX
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Likefight, Super-injunction rap, Eurovision
>> LikeFight! - What Facebook page is more likeable? <<
What's more likeable? Ninjas or pirates? Cheryl
Cole or Jesus? Hitler or Nick Clegg? These
important arguments and more can be solved by
pitting two Facebook pages against each other
and seeing which has the more "Likes". Made in
response to ilovesecretagents's request in last
week's newsletter.
http://www.likefight.co.uk/
>> Pooper-scooper-injunction song <<
B3tan Housewife writes, "I made a song about the
ridiculousness of injunction law. Unfortunately,
by protesting the law, I think I broke it..."
http://b3ta.com/links/Pooper_scooper_injunction_so...
>> Song for Eurovision week <<
A song of unity for Europe, celebrating a long,
golden reign of peace... EuroN8 have done us
proud with a gag that we didn't immediately
grasp, but then loved more than anything we've
loved before. Our favourite attempt at a Euro
song since the vagina-celebrating 'Yodel in the
Canyon of Love.'
http://goo.gl/sqKDy
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: FUCK YEAH! SPONSORED LINK! READERS LOVE THEM!
Family Guy jokes
Do you like jokes? Are you stuck for something
funny to stick as your status on Facebook? Help
is at hand; thanks Family Guy!
http://sickjok.es/jE5srb
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The Police (II)
We asked for more police stories last week.
Sadly, there was no Jackie Chan:
http://b3ta.com/questions/police2/
* DUNGAREES - "My uncle bikes to his station
in his bike leathers each day and gets changed
into uniform when he's there. A few weeks ago he
had to spend the whole day in plain clothes
because his two-year-old daughter had gone
through his rucksack, hidden his uniform and
replaced it with a pair of pink dungarees and
her fluffy sweater. When questioned about this,
she claimed she wanted "daddy to look pretty
at work." (Sivvus)
* BASQUE - "Every summer in the Basque regions
of France and Spain, every village and town has
a fete. These are mad piss-ups, usually involving
sangria and bulls chasing you through the streets.
You could easily spend every weekend getting
shitfaced all over the Basque country, so that's
pretty much what we did. This was a few years ago
and the French police pretty much turned a blind
eye to drink driving as long as you were wearing
the traditional white-and-red festival colours.
After a five-day orgy of booze, singing, dancing
and getting chased by bulls, me and a mate were
crossing back into France. Our traditional whites
were dyed maroon with kalamotxo and sangria. We
were stinking. And got stopped at the border.
Passports handed over. The police examine our car.
"Is this your car, m'sieur?" We're fucked. It
wasn't. It had Dutch number plates and belonged
to a friend we weren't entirely sure we'd asked
to borrow it. "Ah, non..." The police continue to
examine our car, walking slowly, checking below.
They slowly come back to us and hand our passports
back. "M'sieur, there is a problem with your car."
Oh fuck. "You need a new one. This one is shit."
(inflateable)
* LOW CUT TOP - "Many moons ago, before broadband,
we needed to get a large amount of data from our
office in London to a customer in Liverpool. We
dug out one of the very expensive CD-Rs and burned
all 200meg onto the disk, gaping in amazement at
how we could make our own CDs. We then drew straws
to see who got to drive through the night to deliver
said disk. The young lass who worked for me won,
was handed the keys to a company car and an A-Z
of Liverpool. When she got back into work, I asked
if she'd had any problems. She said "No," then "Well,
sort of." Panicking that something had happened to
the precious, expensive CD-R, I asked her what had
happened. She'd been pulled over on the M62 for
doing what she called "licence-threatening" speeds.
Bricking it, she'd done what any 19-year-old, very
good looking, busty lass would do: she pulled her
top down low enough that you could see the tops of
her nipples, put on her best innocent look and gave
the officer the full, "I don't know officer, it's my
first time on the motorway and I don't know where
I'm going and everyone was going so FAST and I was
so SCARED and I didn't know what to DO and there was
so many CARS I've never driven this car before and...
and..." and squeezed out a tear. And was let off.
This would be fairly unremarkable, were it not for
the fact I drew the CD delivery short straw about
two weeks later. On the M62, in the same company car,
doing a reasonable (sub-90, at least) speed I too
was pulled over. The copper sauntered up to my window,
looked at me, looked crestfallen and then said,
"Sorry mate, thought you were someone else," before
slinking back to his car." (ScousersPet)
>> This Week: Conversation killers <<
Ever been talking to people when someone says
something that kills all conversation stone
dead? Talk to us here and watch the tumbleweed
roll on by:
http://b3ta.com/questions/conversationkillers/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Bombay Mix <<
If you thought Acid House was invented in
Chicago in 1987, think again. It was actually
invented in Bombay in 1982 by a Bollywood
soundtrack producer. Here's the interview with
the guy who made the record:
http://goo.gl/dkwiF
BTW: The Bollywood Acid House is also available
on Spotify. Ten Ragas to a Disco Beat.
http://open.spotify.com/artist/5xQiWBPNCV6JnnC7emn...
>> The Evil Empire <<
At first glance a bit of nerdy Star Wars
ephemera. But stay with it as it soon morphs
into a timely piece of geopolitical satire.
http://goo.gl/NZlmb
>> Cleggy Lols <<
If you thought taking the piss out of Cleggers
was a bit 2010, this site will soon change your
mind. Worth it for great pics of Dave 'n' Gid's
favourite fag but the captions such as: "Nobody
told Nick Clegg his lunch date was cancelled, so
he just sat on a bench alone eating Sainsbury’s
Basics sausage rolls." are what put it in a
class of its own.
http://nickclegglookingsad.tumblr.com/
>> How To Steal Like An Artist <<
Genuinely great advice for anyone wanting to be
creative - or anyone wanting to be anything
really.
http://goo.gl/LmiQl
>> Smash hits podcast <<
Older readers will remember and hopfully love
Smash Hits - the pop music magazine that defined
the 80s. Editted by David Hepworth, they also
employed Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys in a
pre-fame writing job. Hepworth now runs a
podcast and invited Tennant in to talk about the
old days. Magical stuff. Best insight? Decades
in pop culture.
60s = 63 to 67 - The Fabs
70s = 68 to 82 - Beards
80s = 82 to 67 - Culture club etc
90s = 88 onwards - Dance music.
http://goo.gl/Y7nnW
>> The phrase that needs to be a book <<
"If you are not paying for it, you're not the
customer; you're the product being sold." First
muttered in 2010 on MeFi, the net culture version
of "there's no such thing as a free lunch" needs
to be turned into a provocative book.
http://goo.gl/Efq8
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but with more snot on the screen
>> How to stop cats pissing on your car. <<
A truly wonderful contraption from Down Under
that involves shooting cats with highly
pressurised jets of water. We're thinking of
training it on the crazy cat lady who lurks
round B3ta Towers with a dead cat in a wire
basket.
http://goo.gl/b34pB
>> I'm a Climate Scientist <<
A big, fat smack in the face for Climate Change
Deniers - the flatearthers of modern times (who
sadly get more than their fair share of
mainstream media attention). Worth it just for:
Ha! 'The greenhouse effect is just a theory,
sucker!' 'Yeah, so is gravity, FLOAT AWAY
MOTHERFUCKERRRRR'
http://goo.gl/a3QQL
>> Complete History Of USSR in Tetris <<
We recently attended Bug 25 - the music video
and comedy chat night organised by Adam Buxton
and this was our favourite video he'd chosen.
It really made us want Adam to stick on a
massive moustache and play the rest of the
show as Stalin. BTW: Stalin was 5'4" but
liked to commission paintings of himself
looking monumentally huge. If the artist
didn't do it "right" he had them shot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
Find out more about Bug here:
http://www.bugvideos.co.uk/
>> Human Bicycle <<
This has a vaguely Teutonic feel to it and we
reckon this lot might be chums with the silver
man who stands in Covent Garden scaring small
children. But it's kind of impressive and would
definitely liven up a trip to the airport.
http://t.co/t5cNsE3
>> Guy lip-synchs 50 worst video game voices <<
An unkind person might suggest this chappie
needs to stop gaming and get out more but in its
own sweet way it's a minor work of genius.
http://goo.gl/Ylhm2
>> How to chop wood successfully <<
Anyone who's ever tried to chop wood without it
flying everywhere will know it's bloody hard.
This video offers a simple tip that makes it all
look incredibly easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_chop_wood_sucessf...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Bad Guy Challenge
Last week we wanted you to come up invent
new evil to replace that Bin Laden bloke
Your favourites included:
* HAMMER - huge-trousered rapper gets the
call from Homeland Security (Clay)
http://b3ta.com/board/10415030
* DODD - terrifying monochrome appearance
from maniacal, chainsaw-wielding
comedian (Ninj)
http://b3ta.com/board/10412478
* SOOTY - no compassion from loathsome,
malevolent children's puppet
(HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10411195
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/unexpected-evil/
>> New challenge: Animal Power <<
Imagine, if you will, that electric,
petrol, steam, solar, nuclear and other
forms of power don't exist, and
everything has to be powered by small
animals. Then show us the results of your
imagining. Challenge suggested by SkUG
http://b3ta.com/challenge/animalpower/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WE ASKED FOR A HAMSTER RIDING A LEGO
ROLLERCOASTER - joefish replies, "Sorry, no
hamsters, but this is my working LEGO Roller
Coaster. BTW: In the early 90s, we told our
gullible friend that this was how they tested
the concepts for full-size rollercoasters. She
wrote to Alton Towers and Blackpool Pleasure
Beach, and couldn't understand their puzzled
replies (Pleasure Beach... Alton Towers never
replied) until we owned up."
http://goo.gl/lIE05
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: FRIDAY GAME
Count the amount of people you've seen today who
you'd like to have sex with. We used to play
this as teenagers and would allow the inclusion
of TV shows, normally the cast of Neighbours not
including Helen Daniels, Mrs Mangel and Madge.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
As we're writing this feeling hungry it's
mostly going to be about food:
* F-PLAN DIET. Only eat food beginning with F.
Fish. Fudge. French bread. Fried food. Figs.
Findus crispy pancakes. Feta cheese. Flans.
Fucking huge doughnuts.
* MEAL TIME CHALLENGE - Breakfast. Elevenses.
Brunch. Lunch. Afternoon tea. High tea. Tea.
Dinner. Tapas. Supper. Midnight feast. Go on,
try eating every possible meal time.
* LAMB BACON - can you cure strips of sheep,
smoke them and serve them up? What about
beef bacon?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by @slightly76, Faceburger,
@hwallop, @timlusher, Hidden Agenda,
@machecazzodici, @mah, @Mark_Hurricane,
Stashie, jams.
Top Tippery by Blunt Logic
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols inspired
by Afinkawan.
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TOP TIP:
Need a tug but got no tissues/towel/socks/pets
around? Simple. Pinch your foreskin closed with
the thumb and forefinger (of your other hand)
before you ejaculate and voila - entrapped
spunk. Maybe our readers have comments on this?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post1190537
