NEWSLETTER: "IF WE'RE 'ALL IN THIS TOGETHER' WHERE'S OUR COKE AND HOOKERS? "
This Week:
* TOURETTE'S - vs. Lionel Richie's 'Hello'
* GORILLA - Baby ape bath-time frolics
* EXTREME - Fanciful cat baskets
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're leaking nude
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | photos of our arse
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ...together"
B3ta email 496 - 16th Sept 2011
Write this issue with piss in snow:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue496/
Squirrels: [email protected]
Unsquirrels: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED RINKADINKY LINKY
Nominate your hero to carry the Olympic Torch
8,000 UK Torchbearers are going to carry the
Olympic Torch, and this is your chance to say
who it should be. Is your local lollipop lady a
pillar of the community? Does your charitable
neighbour deserve some recognition? If you know
someone who goes the extra mile, nominate them
now to carry the Olympic Torch!
http://bit.ly/pLqxYI
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
The newsletter is funded by a trickle of
advertising cash, if you like our ramblings
then ask a responsible adult to support us:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Recession, Darkness and Running
>> Sir Ian Bowler explains the recession <<
Government mouthpiece Sir Ian "talks us through
the third successive quarter of an under-
performing economy," explains Natt. He's
crammed some quite excellent lines into this one.
http://goo.gl/YH0KW
>> None More Black <<
"I've made a game," squees Steve Bromley. "It's
a Spinal Tap-inspired, asteroid’s style
escape-em-up. Sounds great, no?" Genuinely a
challenge, to avoid oncoming death on a
pitch-black screen.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/spanrah/none-more-...
>> 10k Run simulator <<
"I'm running the Edinburgh 10k," spurts Anthony
Gowland. "But that's not very interesting -
So I've also written a little, old-school
button-mashing game about running the Edinburgh
10k. It's for charity." The challenge is to set
a pace you can maintain for the entirety of the
race's simulated 10km.
http://bit.ly/o8b1Wj
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1. Google 'hmrc'
2. Look at the second link
3. Be amused that the real HMRC probably
aren't that happy about this
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
School Naughtiness
Last week we asked for the naughtiest thing
you'd ever done at school. Read on for tales
of childish silliness, and that's just the
teachers amongst you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/schoolnaughtiness/
* OOF - "You think kids are cruel? Bullshit.
Nobody takes the piss out of kids as ruthlessly
and effectively as teachers. It's all behind
closed doors of course, but for every stupid
nickname given to a teacher, they respond with
one for the kids. They know the ones that smell
of wee, the ones wearing pyjamas to school, the
semi-autistic special cases, the spunkers who
smell of fag smoke and handjobs, the fatsos and
sissies, the pseudo-hardmen and needy geeks. The
cruellest thing I ever was privy to was when I
was on a placement, manfully trying to impose my
will and lesson plan on an apathetic group of 14
year-olds who were wondering who the fuck I was,
when there was a knock on the door. I went to
answer it, and there was a young girl with livid
ginger hair that looked unbrushed since birth,
in a badly home-knitted jumper, with buck teeth
and the coarse red cheeks which curse some
gingers. "Mr Andrews asked me to give you this."
She passed a note. I opened it. It said, "THIS
HAS GOT TO BE THE UGLIEST KID IN THE WHOLE
SCHOOL." (chinaman)
* STNIRP ERSA - "My old science teacher used to
always lean against the same desk, in exactly
the same place, at the back of the class. Me and
my mate Peter had the idea of backwards writing
in thick chalk on the edge of the desk. We could
not have hoped for it to work as well as it did,
so every week for three years we managed to get
a message printed onto his arse, starting with
mature things like "I'm gay" or "I like little
boys" but moving towards self referential "I am
a message on your bum" to serialised "you will
never catch us", over a five week period. On our
last day, Peter, me and late recruit Vikesh
confessed all and, to be fair to him, he shook
us by the hand and said he had taken it in good
fun, but had had no idea how the fuck kids had
managed to write on his arse without him
noticing." (clinteastwoodbradfield)
* RIP - "In Junior School we had to file into
assembly to classical music and in the last year
a rota was run for setting out the teachers
chairs, which were metal-framed with a canvas
seat and back. Even as an 8-year-old I had a
very acute sense of justice and felt that the
chiding I had received from Mrs Lee, Head
Teacher and professional fat ass, for doing
handstands was completely unjust. As we dragged
chairs across the gym, I thought about how much
I hated Mrs Lee and wanted to give her a Chinese
burn. I lifted a chair from the stack and
noticed that it had a long rip in the middle and
was quite frayed around the edges. I put it
front and centre where Mrs Lee would usually sit
and lent on the canvas with my elbow till I
heard a faint tearing noise. I would let Mrs Lee
do the rest. Soon time came for us to march into
assembly to Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture... Mrs
Lee started her monologue but I didn't hear it;
I was waiting for the moment. Finally it came.
She sat. The canvas gave way and she plunged
arse first through the metal frame, arms and
legs waving frantically as the skirt she was
wearing colourfully framed her dimpled hairy
thighs and greying pants. 200 7-11 year olds and
a few teachers giggled hysterically as two male
staff reluctantly came to her rescue by bracing
a leg on the chair and pulling her out by her
arms. In my mind, I hear her POP as she is
freed." (GirlOfTheWorld)
>> This Week's Question - I never ever <<
Tell us about the awful, terrible things you've
never done... but secretly have:
http://b3ta.com/questions/notme/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Television caption photos <<
"Is there such a thing as insanity... among
penguins?"
"I don't like the name Joey Meatballs"
"So I had sex with a pinata"
http://t.co/ylWUzMaI
>> OCD Madness <<
The extent of our OCD is the feeling, say if we
buy a CD, we then want all the CDs on the shelf
(we mostly resist, but the pull is there.) At
least we're not this guy.
http://goo.gl/33gVV
>> "CAPS LOCK IS HOW I FEEL INSIDE RICK" <<
Wonderful MSN chats between a man and a cat.
http://louisvsrick.tumblr.com
>> Amazingly awful/brilliant movie posters <<
"These movie posters were all created by artists
in Ghana to promote travelling movie shows and
sell tickets to bootleg screenings of various
western and local movies," writes the site.
Scroll down to Cujo for megalolz.
http://goo.gl/wpncn
>> If this then that <<
Super-clever webservice builder where you can
check for events and make things happen. We've
racked our brain to think of a robo-task and the
best we can do is "if Toby Young tweets, reply to
it with a picture of a dick."
http://ifttt.com/wtf
>> Nokia Tune remake competition <<
Nokia are running a competition to find the next
version of their famous "Nokia Tune" ringtone.
The most popular entry is a thing of rare
beauty...
http://nokiatune.audiodraft.com/entries/mostliked
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby Gorilla & Chimp in the bath
Anyone who's got kids (and our advice is don't,
as the cost will condemn you to serfdom) will
recognise this scene.
http://bit.ly/nuTy1u
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a Sky+ box with an EPG written by mentals
>> You will be disturbed <<
The salty tears of the baby Christ this video is
making us feel emotions we don't have words for.
Warning: Contains death footage of Tommy Cooper.
http://youtu.be/8QekYyN32PI
>> Tourette's Karaoke <<
Right-wing climate change-denying journalist Milo
Yiannopoulos sent us this rather wonderful clip
of a man suffering from tourette's whilst singing
Lionel Ritchie's Hello. It's like our internal
monologue when we read the Telegraph.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Fan-made Britney Spears Circus video <<
NSFW because of oddness. Also, we advise you not
to fancy the pretty lady in it. Well, unless
that's your thing. Then be our guest.
http://goo.gl/j73Vi
>> Drive Recklessly <<
A poignant reminder of what may happen if you
drive fast.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Drive_Recklessly
>> The Malls of Dubai - Song by Rohit <<
You don't get to hear much about Dubai, except as
playground for the super rich. But what's it like
to be a teenage kid there? Rohit is here to tell
you, in song, giving you a tour of all the
bloody malls.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Taxidermy advert <<
"Noooope - Chuck Testa," will be your new
catchphrase, once you watch this deadpan advert
for the taxidermy skills of Chuck.
http://t.co/eiy8G6V6
>> The Shining Vs Lennon's "Instant Karma <<
Frightening edit of The Shining to John Lennon's
"Instant Karma" - which is where Stephen King
got the name from. An orgy of violent images and
violent editing. Is this just disturbing with no
point other than to shock? NSFW.
http://goo.gl/d7Ofa
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Redefining funny to mean shit since 2001
* BILL PAYER - could be a small example of
partial nominative determinism as, well, you're
going to give him a job because he's the kind of
guy you want - someone who pays his bills.
http://twitter.com/#!/bpayerCBS42
* SAY IT OUT LOAD - double2 writes, "I found it
in one of those moments where you just make up
funny names and google them. Excellent result I
feel."
http://www.homedecorworld.com/isabelleendtable.asp...
* SCARGILL ON A BMX! We're hoping this phrase
might become as popular as Christ on a Bike.
BTW: The pic is from photographer Martin
Shakeshaft - google him if that's your thing.
http://yfrog.com/nu5zhfj
* HEADLINE OF THE NANOSECOND - "Gordon Ramsay’s
Porn Dwarf Double Eaten by Badger" - hard to
establish the truth in this, but what a headline.
http://goo.gl/s4kSB
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: FOLLOW FRIDAY
Sinead O'Connor
One-time singer and Pope-agitator Sinead
O'Connor is on Twitter and she's got a potty
mouth. Love her. Examples include:
* "I went to the doctor. Guess what he told me?
Guess what he told me? He said 'girl u better
stop sticking popular fruit + veg up ur gool.'
* "Can't believe oprah's twitter is listed as
similar to mine! She doesn't take it up the
shitter does she?"
* And reply to Emma Freud (the great
granddaughter of Sigmund let's not forget),
"@emmafreud it's all about lube though ladies.
Don't just let him in there un-prepared."
http://twitter.com/howryeh
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: EXTREME CAT HOMES
Three ideas for kitteny dwelling lols
* CAT TARDIS - Astromark has a cat called
Kaylee. He's built her her own Tardis, so she
can travel through time and defeat cybermice.
http://t.co/dNs9SdKM
* CAT FIGHTER PLANE - @editorialgirl writes, "We
bought ours a fighter plane but he didn't like
it. As he got in, the wing scraped on the floor
and scared the shit out of him. He wouldn't go
near it again."
http://t.co/xm45AxVv
* SPACE CAT - It's the carpety USS Enterprise
that gives us mini-lols here. (via @SimonNRicketts)
http://tinyurl.com/5ws8mbh
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Tea Challenge
Last week we wanted you to pay tribute to the
majesty of tea.
Your favourites included:
* WAR - the battle of Iwo Jima, with added
teapot (RATTLEHEAD)
http://b3ta.com/board/10528635
* PEE - striped mug in athletic urine drinking
spectacle (HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10528549
* GIFT - impressively laboured pun in Doctor Who
giveaway drama (Griffy Savalas)
http://b3ta.com/board/10528713
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tea/
>> New challenge: Fluffy the Penguin <<
To mark the solemnity of b3ta's 10th
anniversary, we're repeating one of the very
first challenges. So photoshop this penguin, for
he is Fluffy.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/fluffypenguin/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MUSIC THINGIE - manolith writes, "If you don't
have a sponsored link for this week's
newsletter, would you consider pimping a link
for a musician acquaintance of mine? It's kind
of a kickstarter-style thing." Aha, but we do
have a sponsored linky; for the Olympics of all
things. Manolith continues, "Needs enough people
to 'pledge' to buy the album or it won't get
released and that would be sad. He's an
excellent and unique musician who plays a bunch
of incredible, self-built instruments." Oh go on
then.
http://www.pledgemusic.com/projects/truax-monthly-...
* OLD BASH PHOTOS - as it's our 10th birthday
Joel writes, "I found hundreds of old photos
from b3ta bashes on my computer. A lot are from
Nacho, lots from other people as well I guess.
Anyway, it's 10th anniversary day so I thought
I'd whack them all in a flickr set. It's HISTORY
that's what this is. This is IMPORTANT DAMMIT."
http://www.flickr.com/photos/joelveitch/sets/72157...
* OLD M3TATWEENING PROJECT - Professor Fnord
writes, "From a project I did on the board in
2003. 20 b3tans working in isolation with only a
start frame, an end frame and total freedom to
get from one to the other in any way. With the
10 year anniversary a lot of the old b3tans have
appeared and have been asking to see this again
because it's not been on any video hosts, it was
just a direct download that went offline."
http://goo.gl/fESvN
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: SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE
Shit 9/11 Tributes
Last week was Ground Zero's 10th birthday and
Serge-Fabrizio writes, "I saw these awful things
and thought they were ripe for newslettering.
Fender have released these dreadful, tacky
abominations to commemorate 9/11, not too bad at
first glance, then you see the policeman
graphic. What is he even meant to be holding?"
http://goo.gl/cedtX
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: FRIDAY GAME
Mental pong
Jasper Kingjay writes, "I do like Friday games
in the newsletter. I do. I really do. And I know
you are fond of classics. So here is Mental
Pong, made by a friend of mine. It's meant to
drive you mental. And trololol is in there.
Website is in Dutch, but you'll manage."
http://www.365dagenkunst.nl/2011/mentalpong/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* REBELLING AGAINST OUR BANKING OVERLORDS - e.g.
quantitative easing = banks printing money =
inflation = my money worth less. We propose
quantitative payment. Where we pay less for
bills.
* TECH VS WASHING MACHINE - our Casio watch
survived a go in the Bosch. What else can endure
a hot spin? (Warning: Don't try pets, we learnt
the hard way.)
* BUBBLE BATH IN A JACUZZI - we did this without
thinking once in a hotel. Turned us into a foam
monster. Try it.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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People who smell of flowers:
[email protected]
People who smell of wee:
[email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @deltorro01,
c111zd954s, CIIJASIIE, @RobbieDHall, nowaydude,
a username, utd_shed_boy, @bne, HappyToast,
@GigerPunk, "SnowyTheRabbit", @ToastMaster,
@pieceoplastic, Linbox, @davemayhem,
tokyosexwhale and benryves. Top Tippery by
Discocat Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Joe Scaramanga & Drunken Miss
Holly. If you can read this, you forgot to
unsubscribe.
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TOP TIP:
Have a wank. Go on, you'll be glad you did.
