NEWSLETTER: "MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF BRIAN BLESSED" "MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF BRIAN BLESSED"
* BRIAN COX vs Weebl
* MARTIN AMIS vs Space Invaders
* DUBSTEP CAT - need we say more?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Happy 31st Birthday
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Paris Hilton
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| (thanks Wikipedia)"
B3ta email 516 - 17 Feb 2011
Read this issue twice and double our stats:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue516/
Wanky: [email protected]
Unwanky: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Win a Brian Blessed T-Shirt!
We've got 5 official Brian Blessed T-Shirts to
give away. Just complete the tiebreaker on the
/board, "I want a Brian Blessed T-Shirt
because..."
http://b3ta.com/board/10694997
Or just buy one for £15. Bargain.
http://www.blessedoriginals.co.uk/tshirt.php
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than farty noises on their arms
>> What not to do on your date <<
"Here's a new sketch we made," exclaims
ravonski. "Dwayne goes on a Valentine's Day
date that doesn't go entirely to plan." Good
gag. We've all been there, right?
http://bit.ly/AbS2IP
>> Open My Box <<
"Love unboxing videos," claims ratbanjos.
"Love em." Hence his own, disturbingly
low-tech, take on the genre.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Open_My_Box
>> Professor Brian Cox <<
Weebl's back, with a catchy, musical resumé
for the BBC's favourite boy-faced
space-boffin. Savlonic fans rejoice btw: "The
next video is being made... it's rather epic,"
confides Weebl.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Professor_Brian_Cox:2
>> Newsbomb: BAGBOY <<
"She's got a pretty mouth if I do say so
myself!" banjoes Smearballs. Another mashed-up
apparition of the American news-scape.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/BAGBOY
>> iPad Mona Lisa <<
"Another of those painting-with-iPad-Brushes
videos," scribbles precipio. "But this one - a
reproduction of the Mona Lisa - is really
awesome! Blows Hockney out of the water."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Random Acts of Kindness
The cold, dark depths of winter are an
excellent time to remind yourself that nice
things do happen. Here's a whole bunch of them:
http://b3ta.com/questions/randomactsofkindness/
* WAVING - "As a student, I used to stay with
an aunt and uncle in Bury a lot. Of a morning
(well, whatever time I would surface) I'd head
up to the shop at the top of their road to buy
a paper. Directly opposite was an old folk's
home. One morning, as I approached the
junction, I saw an elderly lady stood in the
window. She was waving in a sad, almost
mournful fashion - not even putting much
effort into her wave. It was a saturday
morning, grey and overcast. She was alone, in
a home, probably not visited by friends or
family in some time. She must have felt
detached from the world around her, alone,
desperate for someone to recognise her
existence and bring the tiniest little bit of
light into her life. I did what we all would
do - put on a big shit-eating grin and waved
back. After a second or so, her eyes met mine.
I saw confusion, then a little fear, then
finally, comprehension. She put down the cloth
with which she had been happily cleaning her
window, and waved cheerfully back at the
grinning retard stood in the street waving at
her like a massive fucknugget. Good of her, I
say." (Bappage)
* BAKING - "Years ago, in a cookery lesson in
school, I made an apple pie. In a fit of
righteous philanthropy I decided I was going
to give the pie to my elderly neighbour (she
was frail, half-blind, had Parkinson's disease
and lived alone - she was obviously in need of
an entire apple pie). She was delighted, or at
least she pretended she was, but the next day
she presented me with a box of chocolates to
thank me. I was incredibly annoyed by this, as
my selfless gesture wasn't supposed to be
rewarded and she was totally destroying my
chance to bask in unadulterated altruism. I
decided the only way to improve the situation
was to bake another pie, and then when she'd
paid me back for that I'd bake another, and
another, and another, in some kind of fucked
up cake arms race. Fortunately she died a
short time later. I don't think it was
pie-related." (crackhouseceilidhband)
* FLAPPING - "Out and about, I nursed an
injured butterfly back to health. Got back
home, my house has been destroyed in
unseasonably high winds" (nightbuffalo)
>> This Week: Random Acts of Evil <<
Right. That's quite enough of that twee, happy
bollocks. Tell us, has anyone ever been evil
to you, out of the blue, for no reason? Have
you ever been a total twuntcake against all
logic?
http://b3ta.com/questions/randomactsofevil/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Composite characters <<
Famous literary characters, recreated from
their descriptions using law enforcement
composite sketch software. Wow, this stuff has
come on a lot since the early days of
Identikit.
http://thecomposites.tumblr.com
>> Advice from Teller (of Penn & Teller) <<
Emailed advice to a young magician from
magical mime Raymond Teller. Truly
inspirational stuff, if you're struggling to
find your voice in any field of the arts.
http://bit.ly/AkjKTz
>> Martin Amis on videogames <<
Much-feted novelist Amis has a skeleton in his
closet. A low-rez, highly pixelated skeleton.
In the early 80s he wrote a guide to Space
Invaders and other classic arcade fare. Here
it is - and it is wondrous.
http://bit.ly/AmF2bl
>> Amazing colourised photos of the past <<
Photoshop nerds unleash their mojo on famous
black and white photographs, torn from the
very pages of history.
http://imgur.com/a/wapUe
>> Breaded cats <<
The internet cat-based craze that's sweeping
the... well, you know the rest. Blah blah blah
you will love it.
http://www.breadedcats.com
>> Write your own text adventure <<
Ageing nerds will enjoy typing stuff like "N,
E, examine rock, fuck dwarf" here.
http://playfic.com
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine if your TV could b.b.b.buffering
>> '1970s' pop charts <<
An affectionate return to the baffling world
of the 1970s Top of the Pops chart countdown.
Who were all these people? Was there really a
time when looking like that could make you a
superstar?
http://youtu.be/TuD1alT1VVM
>> Dancing dubstep cat <<
This bespecced moggy is a lovely mover and
appears to be some sort of Russian internet
celebrity.
http://vimeo.com/36820781
>> Awesome/awful psychedelic music vid <<
Delete as applicable, after viewing this
inexplicable, acid jazz oddity. It has that
weird, slightly unnerving attempt at sexiness
you get in old B-movies but, hey, that's
probably what they were going for.
http://bit.ly/AmPMgx
>> The secret of the comedy phone voice <<
Fans of 1970s sitcoms will recognise the
gabbling voice of the unpleasant onscreen
phonecall. But what is the voice actually
saying? Scientists use space-age audio
reconstruction technology to find out.
http://bit.ly/y8DImD
>> Ping pong baby <<
By now we've all seen the cats playing ping
pong, but what about a baby? He's surprisingly
good too. Okay, that's a very low bar. He's
better than us. Also a low bar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Jurassic Park Theme (Melodica Cover) <<
Genuinely hilarious dinosaurian redub. A
bathetic beauty.
http://bit.ly/xD364A
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Gay fanny
* GAY - Mr Tea writes, "A Chicago street gang
who surely deserve the title of 'campest gang
in history' - not that you'd want to say that
to their faces."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Almighty_Gaylords
* FANNY NAME CORNER - @mikeisbrill writes, "It
amused me that the top Google result for
'lady's fanny' was a French singer-songwriter."
http://ladyfanny.com
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: SECONDHAND iPHONE 3GS
Austerity corner - we buy secondhand phones now
Recently the official B3ta iPhone 4 was stolen.
We didn't have insurance and sulked for a bit
when Orange wanted about £500 to replace it. We
manfully struggled on with a tragic Nokia from
about 2007 that horribly embarrassed us every
time it rang. Then we thought, hang on, we
could just buy a secondhand iPhone 3GS! Cost us
about £120 and it's not hugely worse than the
4. It's still a good phone and our kids like
playing Cat Physics on it too.
http://amzn.to/w1ZtI6
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Cute/Ugly Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make cute things
ugly
Your favourites included:
* GRIFFIN - in which the boss-eyed BNP loon
tries a new look to appeal to the cat lady
demographic (Snappyuk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10686196
* DISTRESSING - don't click the link.
Seriously, don't click the link. You cannot
un-see what you'll find (Michael Ellis)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10686428
* TV - afternoon televisual favourite
Blockbusters isn't quite the show it used to
be (Clay)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10687572
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cuteugly/
>> New challenge: Beards <<
This week's one-word challenge is to celebrate
the magnificence of chin topiary. So it's
beards for the next seven days. BEARDS.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/beards/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WE ALWAYS ENJOY EMAILS LIKE THIS - "Hi
there. I submitted the [redacted] link that
was included in newsletter [redacted]. I'm
about to apply for a job at Google, so... if
you wouldn't mind, could you please edit the
newsletter and credit the submission to my
b3ta username, [redacted], instead of the
first bit of my email address? Thank you very
much!"
* B3TA ART AUCTION - HappyToast writes, "Hi,
as you may know we're doing another b3ta art
auction at this years London Bash. To avoid
repeatedly spamming the mainboard with the
same info and annoying people who aren't
interested I was going to keep updating this
thread."
http://b3ta.com/links/749374
* FREEROADING - ndeezy writes, "In response to
your better name request for 'streetcycling',
I call it 'Freeroading', not a great name in
itself but if you are person who partakes in
this activity, either a giver or a receiver
then you are a 'Freeroader'. If you're
Japanese then it's even better, although
casually racist. It's such a buzz when a
freeroader takes the time to knock on your
door and say thanks and explain why it's so
useful. Oddly enough, the only thing that has
never been taken was a candyfloss maker,
possibly because I was the only person unaware
that pouring sugar into a red-hot oscillator
results in perma-caramelised walls."
* PISSING IN SINKS - markanchal writes, "My
missus disapproves of toilet seat
leaver-uppage - in fact, she's the one who
keeps the lid up - but I've been a
longstanding advocate of sink-winkling. Could
happily extol the hygienic benefits of washing
your dipstick en-point, or the environmental
savings of water usage when rinsing a whizzy
sink compared to flushing - But fuck it. I do
so because the sink is cock-level, and I can
rest my lager-slinger on the edge while miming
drum-solos to The Surfaris' seminal 1963 track
'Wipe Out'."
Wait, *she* leaves the seat up?
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* VIBRATOR PIXEL ART - we've just realised
that if you got, say, 500 vibrators and
painted them different colours you could make
huge pixel art. Say of Steve Jobs, then turn
them on and roll about on it shouting "I LOVE
APPLE." This would be satire. Vibrating satire.
* STUFFING MEAT WITH POPCORN - valentin
writes, "I read this stuffed turkey recipe
where the filling is corn. Apparently, when it
pops, the turkey is blown out of the oven and
it's done. Why don't you post a challenge on
this? My wife refused to let me in the kitchen
after my last petrol-and-eggs experiment and I
wouldn't like to die without knowing the
outcome."
* SHIT OLD MEMES DONE BADLY - stick an iPhone
into your crappy plastic blender that can't
even chop a carrot properly.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Join us: [email protected]
Leave us crying: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Holly Would,
P-MONKE, groovypoodle, @takebacks, mr-lizard,
@TheRangeLoner, @uuilson, @bushofgoats,
@mattround. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Don't ever set your tech to bleep or display
alerts for tweets / emails etc. Check it when
YOU want. This has improved our lives
immeasurably.
