NEWSLETTER: "WARNING: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUT(KIN)S"
This Week:
* FLUFF - Ticklish meerkay
* GIFS - Now with sound!
* BISCUITS - Celeb snack database
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving pee-pee
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in bottles...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"
B3ta email 545 - 7th Sept 2012
Read this issue with a Vocoder playing Bach
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue545
Choosers : [email protected]
Losers : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
B3tan Writes Book "The Theory of Games"
Ezra writes, "Can you promote my new book about
a computer game designer and his faithful dog,
who discover a White House coup? The book will
be free from midnight Sept. 7 PST (which is
probably 9 AM GMT) to Midnight Sept. 11." Oh,
go on then.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007RXVBE...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Biscuits, Penises & Steam
>> Celebrity Biscuit Database <<
What biscuits are favoured by your celebrity of
choice? Find out here, or tweet them directly
and add your information to this comically
comprehensive treat-centred database. "I blame
the b3ta interview with
nicecupofteaandasitdown," explains @5olly.
http://Www.celebritybiscuitdatabase.com
>> One-stroke penis <<
"A couple of guys at work urgently called me
over the other week, to explain their new,
earth-shattering 'business venture'," begins
catfurnace. "Duly, I went away and knocked
together what would become OneStrokePenis.com.
One chance, one stroke. Draw a penis in one
stroke. Do more if you want, but real men
finish in one." Are you man enough?
http://onestrokepenis.com/
>> What Steam Is For <<
"My apologies to gamers who take gaming so very
seriously that this will make them mad bro,"
laments somegreybloke. The unvarnished and
slightly upsetting truth about what Steam is
really for.
http://b3ta.com/links/What_Steam_Is_For
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: AMAZON TAT
Blue Rock Candy
Breaking bad fans should enjoy these reviews of
what's obviously sweets but Amazonians are
enjoying pretending is crystal meth. Unless,
that is, we've got the wrong end of the stick,
and Amazon is actually selling meth.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005SWKZG4/...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Blazing Ignorance
Last week we asked for spectacular displays of
ignorance. Far too many of these feature
USAnians on holiday. We think they are trolling
you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/blaxingignorance/
* ANTELOPE - "The words you never say - not the
rude ones, oh no. Everyone says those
eventually. I mean the ones that there's no
normal reason to say. The words you can define
perfectly well, but never tried pronouncing.
You see, a professional meeting, aged 27, is
NOT the best place to find out that 'Antelope'
doesn't rhyme with 'Penelope'. But everyone
else had a damn good laugh." (CarpeCyprinidae)
* HORSE - "Watching some kind of equestrian
event during the Paralympics a couple of days
ago, and my first thought was, 'Oh, they've
even got disabled horses.' Then I realised it
was the dressage." (gibbletwunt)
* JESUS - "I met an Australian girl a while
back who was hot but astonishingly ignorant.
After a few drinks somehow the conversation
turned to Hitler and she said that she was
always really upset that Jesus just sat back
and did nothing about him. Asked to explain her
reasoning, she informed us that since Jesus
looked about forty when he featured in a film
she had seen which was made in the 60s, he must
have been about twenty at the start of WW2. She
found it astonishing that the son of god must
have implicitly supported the Nazi party. Open
mouths. What do you do? We all agreed politely,
snuck out in ones and twos for fags, and pissed
ourselves." (The Admiral's Chair)
>> This Week - WORST PERSON FOR THE JOB <<
To celebrate our new Health Secretary being a
fan of hocus-pocus homeopathy, tell us about
people spectacularly out of their depth or your
own incompetence at your chosen job:
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstpersonforthejob/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* ANIMATED GIFS + DUBSTEP - MC. writes, "A mate
of mine did this. I can just watch it all
day. (Hit refresh top right)." In the future,
this will be an entire Sky channel.
http://www.dubgif.com/
* FUCK OFF COOKIE LAW - An interesting, and
hopefully successful, approach to the
irritating-as-fuck EU cookie law.
http://nocookielaw.com/
* ANIMALS BEING DICKS - All your favourite
moments of creature cuntforts on one handy
website.
http://animalsbeingdicks.com/
* U2 SLASH FICTION - "Bono gritted his teeth as
he felt the insistent pounding of orgasm at the
base of his spine" - a hole site of it, you'll
feel quite soiled if you actually read it. And
never be able to look Adam Clayton in the eye
again.
http://www.loveisblindness.net/
* SAVE OUR BRIDGES - US infrastructure is
fucked. Yay for the land of the free.
http://saveourbridges.com/map.html
* LONDON TUBE MAP MADE INTO A RADIO - Beautiful
bit of circuit design. Now please do Leonardo
Da Vinci's Divine Proportion as an egg-timer.
http://bit.ly/NYO6hd
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but with comments at the bottom on the
screen saying rude things
>> GIF sound the video. <<
Imagine if gifs had sound! What a world!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/GIF_sound_the_video
>> Kubrick: One-point perspective <<
One-point perspective is when all lines zoom
off to the same point. Think looking down a
long straight road into the horizon. Kubrick
liked this shot a lot. We suspect it was
because he saw the world as a huge vagina to
stick his camera zoom penis into.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kubrick_One_Point_Perspe...
>> Weighty chap sings nicely <<
Every so often, reality TV or the internet
throws up a person with a wonderful voice but
utterly the wrong physical appearance for pop
music, which is essentially about getting the
right face to stick on packets of bubble gum.
This guy wouldn't sell much bubble gum, but he
can sing, and the traffic shows people
responding to him. He's all of us, the fat
public, stuffed with crap from supermarkets but
somehow a brief moment of nobility.
http://pocket.co/s8KxU
>> Amazing Music Video <<
Adam Buxton, half in love with and half
irritated by cheapo music videos, brings us his
latest, Murdoch-funded entertainment.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Amazing_Music_Video
>> Terry Nutkins vs. S-Express <<
Very sad news about Lord Nutkins. Remember him
this way.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Terry_Nutkins_v_S_Expres...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Purchasing Data Manager - Richard Backholer
Backholer. What a wonderful surname. Let's not
shorten his name to Dick.
http://bit.ly/NYQYea
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Deep, Essex, Smiles
>> Mysteries of the Deep <<
"Something mysterious and deep for your
consideration," entices Pig Face Turnip. "It's
made by me, and B3tan Superdonal filmed it."
The deadpan presentation really tickled us.
http://b3ta.com/links/853130
>> Robin of Essex <<
"We just made a thing called Robin of Essex,"
writes Jon Link. "It's a retelling of the Robin
Hood legend, boldly relocated to Medieval
Essex: an emotionally-charged, lavish, 6-minute
animated epic." Charming, mild lairyness.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Tiny Smiles <<
"This is a clip from the taster I made for 7k
(with the help of b3tard Dave Packer of Sheep
films)," writes BIG FACE. "It has some
surprising faces in it including old mates from
the Boosh. I thought I'd put it out there as
our pilot is being aired on friday night on
BBC3 at 10pm. I'd love my fellow b3tards to
watch it."
http://b3ta.com/links/Tiny_Smiles
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Ticklish fluff
The tickling reflex is halfway between joy and
panic and is being cruelly used in
AnimalGuantanamo Bay, on animals suspected of
working against capitalist imperialism.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ticklish_fluff
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: BIRTHS, MARRIAGES & DEATHS
Peregr1n
Matthew.Whittaker writes, "Just in case you
didn't already know, Peregr1n, recently died
in a motorbike accident in California." Too
much of this sort of thing. Bad times.
http://b3ta.com/board/10843365
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Restoration Challenge
Last week we wanted you to restore art,
badly. Your favourites included:
* CANAL - Millais's popular pre-Raphaelite
classic, Ophelia, with added shopping trolley
(Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10837587
* MIRROR - Jan van Eyck's popular Netherlandish
classic The Arnolfini Wedding, with added
morons (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10837398
* CHERUB - William-Adolphe Bouguereau's popular
Neoclassic classic, with added Japanese TV
mascot (atomic)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10838139
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/restored-art/
>> New challenge: Kids' Slasher Movies <<
This week's challenge is to take classic kids'
films and turn them into scary slasher movies,
adapting the characters to make them horrific,
violent and despicable.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/slasherkids/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GOODBYE SMELLY HANDS - BourbonBiscuits
writes, "The recent newsletter had a plea
entitled 'HOW TO GET THE SMELL OF VINEGAR OFF
OUR HANDS'. I have a cooking tip to help with
that. After cutting up garlic, run the knife
under the cold tap and rub your fingertips
along the knife (the side! not the sharp bit)
to eradicate the smell. I reckon it might work
with vinegar too, cos it worked when my hands
smelt of cum the other day."
* DICK-TV - rnuk writes, "Cut out a cock and
balls, and blu-tac it onto your telly. You then
laugh when it goes near someone's mouth.
Sore-throat adverts and Songs of Praise are
usually the best."
* GOOD RECHARGEABLE BATTERIES - rumclaren writes,
"These are the batteries you want; they're
superb, with the always welcome LSD technology
too: NIMH+ rechargeable batteries."
http://bit.ly/NYOcW5
Similar available on Amazon too:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0025WB4H...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* STICKERS THAT SAY 'GING' - ideal for adding
to public signs saying "please clean up after
your dog"
* iPHONE iPLAYER APP - The BBC have recently
upgraded it to allow you to download and watch
video off line. Please can they do the same for
radio? Would be handy to cue up a few shows
before leaving the house.
* AN OPEN-SOURCE PHONE - both software and
firmware. Looks like these things are pretty
much the default camera / PC for most of the
world and they are locked down to fuck.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Cyber chums: [email protected]
Cum farts: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The Scrunt, LOGIK,
missanthrope, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver,
Stashie, ‏@RBFesquire, Pig Face Turnip,
presferatu, Land of Green Ginger, Joe Scaramanga
miss fortunate, Moon Girl Technologies.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Toptip via cupboardy Subjlols
via rattlehead. Instead of being forced to do
lines, kids should start with smoking marijuana
before trying the harder stuff. Wean
themselves in.
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TOP TIP:
Make your sunglasses look like new by putting
them in the top of the dishwasher on a low
setting. It really works. (This is a recycled
tip from Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's Sunday Times
column in the late 90s.)
