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NEWSLETTER: "CALM DOWN DEAR. IT'S JUST A NEWSLETTER"

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This Week:
* OBAMA - Cassetteboy inauguration
* SORRY - Your finest apologies
* DIRTY - hateful Scrabble tips

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the best     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   until you've gone home
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     then scoffing it"

B3ta email 5x113  - 25 Jan 2013

Read this issue with a complimentary mint:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue565 

   Dubstep : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Substep :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Ardunio

  Yadda yadda buy some ads already - so as
  tradition dictates the slot is taken with
  something we've recently bought on Amazon. The
  Arduino is a circuit board you can download
  code into and then make it do things. Mainly
  we've used it with a small speaker, ripped out
  of a kids' toy, and a handful of variable
  resistors to make a chiptune arpeggiator. They
  cost bugger all (under £15) and are a damn site
  easier to get your head round than fiddling
  with logic chips. The code is simply "if then"
  kind of stuff, rather than having to measure
  resistor values and getting really confused.
  Nice hobby, if you're a bit geeky.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006H3DNX0/b3ta-21 
  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> match.com - Meet Jeff <<
  "Those match.com adverts suck," claims woahbot.
  "They don't portray online 'dating' like they
  should  so we've taken matters into our own
  hands and made our own." The camera just loves
  ad star Log.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/match_com_Meet_Jeff

 
  >> Very Specific Facebook Graph Searches <<
  Web ubernaut Tom Scott has been playing around
  with Facebook's new Graph Search. The results
  can be narrowed down to a slightly alarming
  degree. Companies that employ people who like
  "Racism", anyone?
http://actualfacebookgraphsearches.tumblr.com/ 


  >> Bored Stiff <<
  "A disgusting little animation called Bored
  Stiff," explains Man in a Cat scribe Ian
  Ravenscroft. Ugh. Never go to hospital.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bored_Stiff


  >> Cheesy 50s brain-melt <<
  "This is all made from an old piece of film
  footage about the wonders of capitalism or
  something," scribbles Cyriak. Watch it HD if
  you can.
http://bit.ly/Ys7QnT


  >> Obama's Cassetteboy inauguration <<
  Barack Obama's way with words takes a new
  dimension, with the help of Cassetteboy. "We
  spent most of last night cutting up Obama's
  Inaugural Address. Here's what we pasted back
  together."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fK6nH5ZG4q8


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Sorry
  
  Last week we asked you to write letters of
  apology to those you have wronged. We still
  can't work out the confession of murder on
  their daughter's wedding day:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sorry/

  * MARKER - "While working as the sales manager
   of (probably) the last CDR manufacturer in the
   UK, times were tough. We took on a few extra
   jobs to pay the bills, one of which was packing
   U2 CDs, inserts and promo stickers into jewel
   cases before boxing them up for distribution.
   The whole factory got involved, but not being
   very good at mindless tedium, I amused myself
   autographing one or two discs. Nothing fancy,
   just things like "Enjoy! Bono," and "All the 
   best, Bono." So, I would like to humbly apologise
   to any excited, little U2 fans (particularly if
   they are big, scary, violent, baseball-bat-wielding
   little U2 fans) who thought they had got their
   hands on something unique, personal and special,
   especially if they showed them off to their
   U2-loving friends, and especially especially if
   their friends were slightly skeptical about the
   idea of Bono standing in the CD production line
   with a magic marker, and extracted the piss by
   the gallon. Sorry."
(blyerkit)
  
  * LETTER - "At primary school I had an odd teacher
   who, if you did something wrong, would make you 
   write a letter of apology to him. If it was 
   really bad, you'd have to write several. I was
   new and didn't really understand the point when
   I did something wrong and was told to write five
   letters of apology. Not understanding, I wrote 
   "S O R R Y" He went batshit while I stood there
   wondering what the fuck was going on. "But you
   said five letters! There are five letters!"
(inflateable)

  * PROMOTER - "Kate. I feel I must explain. I was
   supposed to be meeting a promoter I had never met
   before, in the pub before the gig when you arrived
   early. I guess the reason I said what I said was
   your short hair, small breasts and gender neutral
   clothing. I guess I can't be held completely
   responsible but I am sorry that the band all burst
   out with laughter and caused you to run out of the
   pub when I innocently asked you if you were Geoff
   and you replied, "No I'm Kate". They were laughing
   at me, not you, I promise."
(PhillieJoe)


  >> This Week - SELF IMPORTANT <<
  Tell us tales of jumped-up officials, the mad,
  old bloke who runs the Neighbourhood Watch like
  it's a military operation, Colonel Blimps, 
  pompous bastards and people stuck up their 
  own arse.
http://b3ta.com/questions/selfimportant/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
  >> Weird and bizarre hotel reviews. <<
  Nicely done, Tumblr; saving you the effort of
  digging through the text, just finding the
  nugget of funny and fucking off.
http://tripadvisaargh.tumblr.com/


  >> Retro web pr0n <<
  The first porn image on a computer screen was
  in A. 1980? B. 1990 or C. 1970? Bzzzt, wrong.
  It was 1956.  
http://bit.ly/XC1YST


  >> Vine - video loop sharing app <<
  This is the week that Twitter launches Vine, a
  long-form photo experiment that gives you 6
  seconds of video in a loop. Fun to make deffo,
  but haven't made up our minds how fun it is to
  watch other people's yet. Basically, animated
  gifs with sound - You're The Man Now Dog &
  Flickr will be a bit peeved if this takes off.
  Here's our quick go, giving you a guide to the
  cups of our kitchen. Install the app to your
  phone if you fancy a play.
http://vine.co/v/b5t9qhrZgZm


  >> Porno-postboxes <<
  Remember the 'Planning Notices in Brighton'
  bloke? Well, he's called Phil Lucas and is an
  occasional stand-up comedian, and most recently
  has been sticking rude signs to postboxes. Read
  them here, before he's arrested on a jumped-up
  terrorism charge.
http://bit.ly/VbLd0p


  >> Darkest confessions of anonymous creatives <<
  We've got a friend who's the creative director
  of an ad agency - do you know his secret?
  Colour blind. Doesn't dare tell the clients.
http://www.thecreativeconfessional.com/


  >> M&S padded man pants <<
  Yep, now you can pretend you have a large cock,
  rather than the embarrassing smoothness between
  your legs that means you've never been with a
  lady. Am I right boys? How the fuck this is
  right for cosiest of brands M&S isn't for us to
  guess.
http://bit.ly/ne8b81


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like an unlooping Vine

  >> How to play dirty at Scrabble <<
  Five minutes on how to improve your Scrabble
  game and make your friends utterly hate you.
  The trick? Be defensive, cut off the board from
  the other player and make up words. Tsk.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1aq6sJEuVU&t=52s


  >> Javascript is the new Rock'n'Roll <<
  We recently met a gentleman by the name of
  Circuit Ben (name changed by deedpoll!) who
  makes synths and music circuits for a living.
  He recommended we watch a 30-minute-long video
  about how to code music in Javascript. This
  might not be funny ha ha for everyone, but we
  found it fascinating. Love the whole code =
  music stuff going on. Overtone is incredible
  too, but javascript is easier to pick up and
  play, as it's already there in your browser. 
http://bit.ly/NlLH5X


  >> Teabag Mousepad <<
  Frankly frightening video where a child's voice
  is overdubbed by some big geezer. Wonder if
  there's any instant weirdness doing the idea
  the other way round?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Teabag_Mousepad:2


  >> Ice Cream Van vs Prince Harry <<
  In one of the most obvious bullshit set-up
  scenes ever filmed, pretend hardman Prince "I
  bagged a Johnny Foreigner, what ho!" Harry
  pulls out of a TV interview to do Army
  maneuvers. Nicely mocked with a little bit of
  music here.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ice_Cream_Van


  >> Mehdi makes a rail gun <<
  You didn't think the world needed a Tommy
  Cooper of electronics demonstration videos but
  you were wrong. Second time we've featured
  Mehdi. Go him!
http://bit.ly/Y3sq9Y


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: FOLLOW FRIDAY
  Trek in the City

  Spun-off from the fact that Kim Cattrall, the
  actor who played cougar Samantha in Sex in the
  City, also had a part in Star Trek VI, the
  tweets combine sci-fi babble with stuff about
  shoes. 
https://twitter.com/trekandthecity


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Gay Robots Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
  wonderful world of gay robots. Actually, we
  didn't because we were worried it would all
  turn out a bit homophobic - but it was voted
  for and we were stuck with it.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * QUIT: like Brokeback Mountain, but 
    with pixel stetsons (Lumpbucket)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10913249
 
  * SPACE: rare glimpse of heuristically 
    programmed algorithmic goatse (drbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10912098
  
  * PLUG: unconventional socket for 
    homoerotic household (Moon Girl 
    Technologies)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10911493
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gay-robots/


  >> New challenge: Sausages II <<
  This week's challenge revisits familiar yet
  fertile territory: sausages. Celebrate their
  power and meaty magnificence through the gift
  of Photoshop. Sausages.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/son-of-sausages/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * HOW THE 'MAJOR KEY VERSION OF MINOR KEY
  SONGS' HACK WORKS - spoiler in two words
  "Celemony Melodyne" - which isn't the name of 
  a 14 year old Serge Gainsbourg tried to bugger.
http://bit.ly/XCIBch


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TWITTER BOTS TO CURE TWITTER ADDICTION -  Can
  someone write a twitter bot that we can follow
  that posts every hour, "Hey, you're on twitter
  a lot. Haven't you got work to do?" Thanks.

  * MORE EFFECTIVE PHONE SCREENING - Phones
  should automatically google any incoming number
  you don't recognise. We want to be pre-warned
  before picking up.
  
  * PENIS SWAPS - Swapping the key noun in an
  aphorism with "penis" improves them: beating a
  dead penis; wake up & smell the penis; bad
  workman blames his penis. No idea where we're
  going with this. Oh, absence makes the penis
  grow harder.


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Suck off:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Fuck off:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue writted by Rob "Heathcliff" Manuel
  with David "Garfield" Stevenson. Stuff sent in
  by Tyronne, quigonjim, Fork, Figmaus,
  combatcameraman, zacherynuk. 
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Halibut.

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  TOP TIP:
  When eating fruit pastilles, as soon as you
  find your favourite flavour is next, stop eating
  from that end of the packet. Open the other end
  and eat from that side instead. That way your
  last fruit pastille will be your favourite and
  you won't be left with lime-flavoured
  disappointment. (Draconacticus)

  AND FINALLY - tonynibbles has written an
  'advice slip' site that reads like the kind of
  stuff we might occasionally stick in as a top
  tip. So here you go:
http://adviceslip.com/

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