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NEWSLETTER: "WELLARD, YOU STEER AND I'LL PRESS THE PEDALS"

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"WELLARD, YOU STEER AND I'LL PRESS THE PEDALS"
This Week:
* LANCE ARMSTRONG - is a creep
* JIMMY SAVILE - dances for your pleasure
* BILL GATES - can jump over a chair

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We are lucky cows, we
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   surf the web & browse"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 566  - 1 Feb 2013

Read this issue without moving your lips:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue566 

   Chums :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Scum : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK 
  Ok, it's Amazon Tat. Whatever.

  >> Semen cooking <<
  Available for sale on Lulu for a while but the
  joy of this text reaching Amazon is of course
  the reviews.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1481227041/b3ta-21

  >> Drone toy <<
  Military drone as child's toy. Some great
  reviews, if you think flying death-bots as kids'
  toys are funny.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004JFMOGK/b3ta-20


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> Official Cockerney™ Rhyming Slang Translator <<
  "If you've ever been tempted by the venerable
  tradition of talking like a 19th-century
  costermonger, but don't have the right
  vocabulary, then this site is for you," brags
  Amish Information Systems. An invaluable guide
  to blending in down Laaaahndon way.
http://moteprime.org/cockerney/


  >> The Dragon Maker <<
  "Did you know that if you take Duncan
  Bannatyne's eyes & nose, mix them with Deborah
  Meaden's mouth and Peter Jones' head, it looks
  a little like Frank Skinner?" inquires
  Q4nobody.co.uk. Create the venture capitalist
  chimera of your choice with this surprisingly
  pleasing feature-swap.
http://www.earlyshakespeare.com/dragonmaker.html


  >> Simon Cowell stitches up Superpowerless <<
  B3tan @superpowerless was recently approached to
  be on Britain's Got Talent. Here is his formal
  complaint. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4B8j_gKP-VM&feature=youtu.be&a


  >> Low-rez Twitter toy <<
  Make some pixelly art for the tweeting. "Fans of
  ludicrously low-res graphics might want to have
  a play," write screator Matt Round. "@15by7 will
  retweet the best efforts."
http://15by7.com


  >> "How I seduced my wife" by Joel Veitch <<
  "Hey blud i dun a new thing, with Butters,"
  types the internet's Joel Veitch. This is almost
  certainly how it went down.
http://b3ta.com/links/I_Love_You_So_Hard_Part_2


  >> Jimmy Savile Remix <<
  "I've waited my 30 days probation," explains
  smearballs. "And finally I'm allowed to release
  this." Grotesque performing paedophile, somehow
  made even more disturbing with the patented
  smearballs treatment.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jimmy_Savile_Remix


  >> Joe Pesci Grammar Correction <<
  "Self explanatory," explains somegreybloke.
  Funny, like a clown.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Joe_Pesci_Grammar_Correction


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Inflated Self Importance
  
  We wanted your stories of stuck-up self
  important arses you've had to deal with. Of
  course, we were far too busy to read them
  ourselves:
http://b3ta.com/questions/selfimportant/

  * THE WATCH - "My dad is the mad old bloke who
  runs the Neighbourhood Watch like it's a military
  operation. His team invited the local policeman
  to do a talk, who asked what they would like from
  their local police force. "Fight crime!" they
  said, but the policeman replied despondently
  that there had been no real crime in that part
  of Surrey for years. Racking her brain, one lady
  complained that the local sixth formers drove
  ever so carelessly and fast, and suggested a
  speed trap. This he did, unannounced, the
  following week. He caught one sixth former...
  and the lady who had made the complaint."
  (browser)
  
  * CHIPS - "I wouldn't call the lady that runs
  the cafe in the Ethiopian Airport at Dire Dawa
  an official. But she has a uniform. "Can I have
  some chips?" "Can't have chips, not on the menu"
  "Whats that?" I point to a lady eating chips
  "Egg sandwich" "I'll have an Egg Sandwich
  please" "It is not on the menu... but I can make
  it" "Yes please, two Egg Sandwiches, they come
  with chips?" "Yes" "Thank you" (To be honest
  this is nothing. In Ethiopia it is still 2005,
  they have 13 months a year and time starts at
  6am.)" (doktored)

  * NOT FUNNY - "Browsing my local freecycle, I
  read that one woman had, "just got a new dog -
  he's quite small and cold. Does anyone have any
  dog jackets?" Chuckling to myself, I made my own
  ad: "Just got a Korean cookbook - does anyone
  have any small dogs, preferably cold." And the
  shit hit the fan. Self-righteous board moderator
  banned me and another freecycler for daring to
  laugh at my ad." (snee)


  >> This Week - MORE PET STORIES <<
  Scaryduck's dog died last week, and he's sick of
  people sending him that stupid Rainbow Bridge
  poem. Tell us about excellent (or rubbish) pets:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/morepetstories/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Glowing testimonial... <<
  Insurance claimant gives a much too specific
  testimonial statement. Check it out and get a
  web designer fired today!
http://www.accidentclaims.org/


  >> Why Unicorn Drinks <<
  Rather dark spoof kids' book about the sadnesses
  of Mister Unicorn's life.
http://bit.ly/RKKlme


  >> Kate Bush Spectrum Art <<
  If we could be arsed, we'd do similar for the
  track Spectrum by Florence and the Machine Code.
http://i.am.cool.oleg.lt/kt/


  >> Annoying things clients say to designers <<
  Although it's missing our favourite, "you're
  fired and we're not paying you."
http://sharpsuits.net/Home


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but on the web! Woo hoo!

  >> Lance Armstrong is a creep <<
  When you give a two-hour interview with Oprah,
  you have to expect that people will match your
  words to a Radiohead song. Shame Lance wasn't
  sampled earlier in his career - we might have
  known about the blood doping earlier.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hes_a_Creep


  >> Bill Gates jumping over a chair <<
  Damn, look at him soaring like an eagle. Steve
  Jobs couldn't match these moves even when he
  was alive.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TCxE0bWQeQ


  >> Mooncup vs Tampon rap battle <<
  This is almost certainly a faithful depiction of
  what goes on behind the closed doors of the
  ladies' toilets. For our money, Tampon Crew have
  the best insults. But it's not our money.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zj4NhC8ahM


  >> Lion King 3D <<
  Classic Disney vastly improved with the CGI
  treatment. One of the most amazing things you'll
  see this year.
http://bit.ly/Xpgi2n


  >> Hellish song rewrite <<
  Anyone who's had a boss can relate to this
  extraordinary tale of a song being rewritten 19
  times to please the people who are paying for it.
http://bit.ly/WagCDI


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the sausages challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards

  Your favourites included:
 
  * JAMIE OLIVER MAKING SAUSAGES - yes, it's as
  rude as it sounds. (herman:D)
http://b3ta.com/board/10918623 

  * GRANGE HILL TERROR SAUSAGE - ooh, a little bit
  of satire here. (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/10915568

  * HOW SAUSAGES ARE MADE - manufacture is full of
  surprises. (happytoast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10917403

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/son-of-sausages/


  >> New challenge: Don't Visit Britain <<
  The Government are thinking of launching a
  poster campaign to discourage people from coming
  to Britain - basically because they think
  pandering to racists will distract the public
  from their total fucking over the economy. Sad
  thing is, they're probably right.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/britain-is-rubbish/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * PENIS PROVERBS - Happosai writes, "As
  requested in the 'things we'd like to see'
  section of this week's newsletter. It's a
  quick'n'dirty reworking of something, which I
  wrote a few years ago for the same reason."
http://www.tabbron.com/proverb/penis.html


  * MISSING NEWSLETTER Enzyme writes, "Also,
  whatever happened to newsletter 564?" We're very
  superstitious about the number 564. It's
  extremely sinister. OK, we got mixed up. 


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * ADDRESS LINE TWITTER GAMES - Matt Round writes
  - after "data:text/html,<script></script>"
  you’re left with 108 chars - is it possible to
  get a game into a tweet..?
  
  * BORED OF BACON / KITTENS / GIFS - what next
  for the hive-mind that can't concentrate?

  * SOCIAL NETWORK / CLOUD THAT DOESN'T GRANT
  ACCESS TO RANDOM AUTHORITIES - we remember
  privacy. Used to be nice.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Lovers:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Shovers:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Leemondus,
  PintOfGuinness, the_ref, Linbox, Art101,
  @maryepworth, Coubs, PhosphorBurnedEyes, 
  The Great Architect.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Smallbrainfield.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Finding it tricky to locate something online?
  Simply tweet, "X is ungoogleable" & some sap
  will spend hours hunting it down to prove you
  wrong.

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