NEWSLETTER: "THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE. FUCKING TORIES."
This Week:
* MIDDLETON - Royal doll revealed
* DR WHO - Missing episode madness
* BIG DATA PORN - pornstar breakdown
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're selling our souls
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for Twitter RTs...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"
B3ta email 568 - 15 Feb 2013
Read this issue wearing a hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue568
Love us : [email protected]
Leave us : [email protected]
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: BUY MIRACLE BERRIES
Sponsored link
Miracle berries are super fascinating - they
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http://www.miracleberry.co.uk
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Kate, Fairytales, Interracial Handshakes and Drawing
>> New Kate Middleton Doll <<
"Warning - contains fun bags," grunts Pig Face
Turnip. The Franklin Mint has excelled
itself here.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Kate_Middleton_Doll
>> Fairytale Choose Your Own adventure game <<
"I made some very twee music for this game this
weekend," writes Extinct Jesus Dossier. "The
game is called 'The Riddle', and it's a simple
Choose Your Own Adventure type game made in 48
hours at this weekend's GameHackDays event.
Features some beautiful watercolour art, with
papercraft-ish 3D models." Charming stuff.
http://ollytumble.azurewebsites.net/main.html
>> How to shake a black guy's hand <<
"You've probably been there," opines
juliachildcia, incorrectly. Useful if you're
prone to trying a little too hard.
http://bit.ly/Z2bykz
>> How To Draw Really Good - Spiderman <<
"I've given up music and started doing drawing
tutorials," gasps our old pal, Superpowerless.
"Here's a tutorial on drawing Spiderman to a
professional and realistic standard with a 3D
effect." Amazing, in almost every sense of
the word.
http://bit.ly/XD9H2D
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: AMAZON TAT
Stupid products, "amusing" reviews.
This week we're directing you to the Dean
Gaffney clock, as suggested by duvetdo.
Apparently, "the gift that will keep on giving
this Christmas. Every day the recipient will
wake to see Dean Gaffney's face and be reminded
of the preciousness of time."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003BRMJD...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The Naughty Step
Last week we asked for the last time you were
told off.
http://b3ta.com/questions/thenaughtystep/
* TRICKING MUM - "I was visiting my old mate Des
one Saturday afternoon when all hell broke loose
at a house diagonally opposite. Des said to come
and have a look at this, so over to the window I
went. A girl about ten burst around the back
corner of the house, going like a train, followed
a few moments later by a large woman in full
cry. But by the time the woman made it to the
front corner, the girl was back in through the
front door. That slammed shut behind her. The
woman got to the door and thumped on it. It was
locked. Shouting threats of slow death at 'You
kids', she returned to the back door, which
apparently was locked as well. Over the next
five minutes the shouts died away and she took
to prowling around the house muttering threats.
Ten minutes later she was sitting quietly on the
front door step. Des said that when she got too
much for her three children, they locked her out
of the house. 'She falls for it every time,' he
said." (Redemption)
* DAD IS TRICKY - "I very seldom meted out
corporal punishment to my kids. At least not
past the age of three or so - when they're having
a complete meltdown, a swat across the arse with
an open hand snaps them out of it. When my son
was in his early teens he had his first cell
phone. One day, when he was being particularly
obnoxious, I took it away and locked it up,
resulting in a tantrum which then got him
grounded besides. I then secretly began sending
SMS messages to it and calling it. He heard it
and got almost hysterical at the thought of all
the messages he was missing. I was firm, though,
and didn't give it back until the following day.
His rage at discovering who was calling him made
it even better." (Wanderer)
* GENIUS TEACHER - "So, as a teacher, giving
punishments is part and parcel of my daily
grind. I don't particularly enjoy telling-off as
a rule, but when it needs to be done, I do try
to find some way to add amusement value,
particularly when the crime deserves some
special attention. My favourite, and one of my
own devising, is the punishment for a naughty
boy who decided to draw a giant man-sausage on
his exercise book. He wasn't a bad lad, but
could step out of line rather far on occasion,
and so I couldn't let it slide. I kept him
behind at the end of the lesson, and his lecture
went as follows. 'This is an absolutely
pathetic diagram, one of the worst I have seen
you produce. (*pause for blank look). You are
going to finish it, at home, tonight. (Pause for
more confusion.) It is going to be correctly,
accurately labelled. No mistakes. No
mis-spellings. No crossings-out. This diagram is
going to be perfect. Do you understand? Now get
out of my classroom.' He leaves, rather puzzled,
and the next day, returns with a magnificently
labelled version. It is accurate, detailed, and
he has done more work on it than any other
homework that year so far. In front of him, I
tore it out of his book, placed it in an
envelope and put it in my desk drawer. 'Now,
the next time you muck around in my lesson, what
do you think I will bring to the meeting I have
with your Mum?... Clear?' This brought, in
fairly quick succession, 1) more puzzlement. 2)
a moment of brief panic, and 3) a polite nod and
a mumbled 'sir'. He was pretty well-behaved
after that..." (Serotonicity)
>> This Week - Boozes <<
Now is your chance to warn others of the dangers
of drinking to excess. On the other hand, what
hilarious japes did you get up to while
shitfaced?
http://b3ta.com/questions/utterlydrunk/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> We <3 Chris de Burgh <<
Chris de Burgh interview that reads like a
pitch for a new comedy character. A bit Little
Britain's Dennis Waterman with a good lump of
Alan Partridge. Apparently, Chris once did a
tour where his support act was a bloke from
Stars in Their Eyes doing a Chris impression.
"Supporting me tonight, myself..." Brilliant.
http://ind.pn/T4JMEQ
>> Close your HTML tags <<
Because if you don't you might create art,
lovely scrollable art.
http://bit.ly/WUzp6t
>> Every Private Eye cover since 1961 <<
Fascinating to stick in various celeb names and
see how they were covered by the leading
satirical magazine. Jimmy Savile makes one
appearance - in the 80s - with a joke about a
train. As we said, leading British satirists.
http://www.private-eye.co.uk/covers.php
>> Doctor Who missing episode insanity <<
Doctor Who super fan goes to extreme lengths to
try to track down missing 1960s episode.
Extraordinary. Imagine if amateurs made this
kind of effort to pursue the financial
connections between Gov and big business?
http://bit.ly/VNMnj0
>> Your new wallpaper <<
McCarthy-era poster warning against
fraternising with artists. We now want to be
artists.
http://bit.ly/12AUMxz
>> Pop Will Eat Itself guy eBays memorabilia <<
PWEI band member Adam Mole auctions records and
tells enjoyable anecdotes in eBay description.
He's collecting to buy a nice caravan.
http://bit.ly/12IIfIv
>> Big Data porn analysis <<
"For the first time, a massive dataset of
10,000 porn stars has been extracted from the
world’s largest database of adult films and
performers," writes Jon Millward. "I’ve spent
the last six months analyzing it to discover
the truth about what the average performer
looks like, what they do on film, and how their
role has evolved over the last forty years."
Fascinating stuff, although we'd like some data
on age of death / income.
http://bit.ly/Yh1Ppx
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like VHS videos but not abandoned in the street
>> Sinclair C5 infomercial <<
The gap between the lavish voiceover and the
crap visuals make all 6 mins of this C5
informercial a joy. Almost can't quite believe
this isn't a parody - the dialogue is all "look
at the safety features", whilst the C5 trundles
along past lorries etc. Brian Butterfield-esque.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Rapping for Jesus <<
Rapping for Jesus. Almost choking with laughter
here. NSFW due to N word. Sparked a big debate
on whether it's fake or not. Who cares? It's a
great gag.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Paperman <<
Saw Wreck It Ralph recently. Basically a
71-minute-long advert for sweets and computer
games that cost us £25 to watch. However,
before Wreck-it Ralph played they showed a
short called Paperman - utterly charming and
miles better than the main feature.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Tea talent <<
How many cups of tea can you carry? 2? 3? Think
you're fly? You're shit. You're not this guy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FRIDAY GAME
400 years: The Game
Neat, experimental game mechanic. Pressing
space makes time go quickly allowing trees to
grow or water to freeze so you can navigate the
landscape.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/scriptwelder/400-y...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Stop Motion Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards
Your favourites included:
* MORPH - in which Tony Hart's plasticine
hero gets his goatse on, to devastating
effect (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10923522
* REVERSE: sinister, strangely hypnotic
hand manipulation from the suitably
named (mutated monty)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10924234
* TARDIS: all of the Doctors, all of the
time (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10923712
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/stop-motion/
>> New challenge: Pandas <<
Pandas: they're too busy eating bamboo to
get busy getting busy. As a result,
there's not many of them left. On the
plus side, they're the single-word
subject of this week's image challenge.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pandas/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* VISUAL EGG-TIMER - "Thanks for mentioning the
roast beast calculator last week," writes
Goddam. This time I've done an egg timer that
shows you what's happening inside your egg."
Surprisingly useful.
http://justboil.it/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
We'd really like to see evil money making
schemes, so we can sack off the next five
years. Your starters for ten:
* DOWNLOADR - Use Amazon API to produce huge
website full of books/films. Add the word
"torrent". Cover in "download now" banner ads.
Profit.
* DRUGR - a legal drugs site that doesn't send
any product. Like you're going to go to the
police complaining that your herbal Es didn't
turn up.
* WASHCASHR - a middleman site that makes
payments from your bank to services that you
don't want to turn up in your records. Payments
listed as "Online Indie Records LTD" rather
than "camgirls ltc" etc.
This time next year Rodney...
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Marriage: [email protected]
Divorce: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
@Peepholecircus, Mildred, @Craigix,
@bobandroberta, MuffGuff, @erocdrahs
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top tip via Me, I'm not...
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TOP TIP #1:
Make YouTube videos more fun. Switch on the
automatic captioning which bears no resemblance
to anything anyone is saying.
TOP TIP #TWO (RHYMES WITH POO):
thecrapgatsby writes, "Hello lovely b3ta
people, I have had a top tip moment of
lucidity. Do you often use bay leaves in soups
or stews and then can never find them again?
Simply sellotape the leaf to a GPS tracking
device before adding it, then when dinner's
ready, check your mobile and retrieve the
ingredient with ease."
