NEWSLETTER: "CEILING NSA IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE"
This Week:
* DAFT PUNK - Superpowerless beatbox cover
* HITLER - secret bunker pics
* MORRISSEY - styled Dickens homage
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the best
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | lols for you..."
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B3ta email 584 - 7 June 2013
Read this issue in a sexy low voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue584
Friends : [email protected]
Fucknuts : [email protected]
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: CHOCK A BLOCK - IOS PUZZLE GAME
Sponsored link
"Claymore Games' new puzzle game for iOS! Hate
freemium, IAPs and all this social nonsense?
Want to play at your own pace? Then you'll want
to give Chock A Block a go. Please, I don't want
to have to get a real job."
http://bit.ly/12k7O45 (link to iTunes)
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Daft Punk remade using mouth noises <<
"I covered Get Lucky by Daft Punk," beatboxes
Superpowerless. "Using only mouth noises :D"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1012466
>> Actual Springwatch <<
A spring enthusiast? You need "Actual
Springwatch with Derek Bitchtits".
jonofthesouth has really captured that 1980s
school TV vibe.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Actual_Springwatch
>> Dogs discuss back problems <<
"This is a real conversation from my mum, dad
and friend," confesses pi bennett, of this
Creature Comforts-esque offering. "No-one
knew/knows I recorded it!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Back_Problems
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: QUESTION FOR THE WEAK
Kids say the shittiest things
Two weeks ago, we asked about the funny,
distressing or just plain weird things that
children say. Then our Question of the Week man
went on holiday and we forgot all about it.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/thingskidssay/
* CHURCH - One Sunday morning, my 4-year-old
self was leaning over the edge of the chapel
gallery, chin rested in my hands, knowing that
a final "go in peace to love and serve the
Lord" was all that stood between us and
freedom. This particular priest was renowned
for ensuring that Mass lasted the entire hour,
but today he was ten minutes early. Glancing at
his watch and having seen his predicament he
announced "We will now sing the processional
hymn once more..." A resigned silence descended
on the gathering. From my elevated perch, I
piped up. "Ah, for fuck's sake." It was a long
10 minutes until we went in peace. (masakatsu)
* CASTLE - "My sister and nephew came to visit
me when I was a student and I took them to the
obligatory visit to Stirling Castle. My nephew
was only five at the time, and found this
rather a trek. My sister and I kept encouraging
him saying 'We'll soon be there!' and 'It's an
amazing castle, you'll love it!' When we got to
the top of the hill, there was the restored
splendour of the castle itself, with its
elaborate facade with gargoyles and
sinister-looking mythical creatures. My nephew
burst into tears. 'Oh, oh, what's wrong?' I
asked, all concerned. 'I THOUGHT IT WAS A
BOUNCY CASTLE!'" (chinaman)
* CASUAL RACISM AND HOMOPHOBIA - "My aunt
worked at a primary school. One day she's
supervising the little chitlins when one of
them comes up to her and asks: 'Miss... am I a
homo or a paki?' You can imagine the outrage
that flashes through my auntie's mind in the
moments following. She's already worked out the
first half of the interrogation routine and
mentally looked up the phone number of the
child's parents. Thankfully, being a Scot in a
Scottish school, she translated the local
patter into the Queen's and figured out what
the child actually meant: 'Begging your pardon,
madame, but would you happen to know whether I
am marked down as a home lunch or a packed
lunch?' Darndest things, indeed." (lki)
>> THIS WEEK: SPOILERS <<
Tell us how things have been ruined for you,
apart from QOTW obviously.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/spoilers/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Cat doesn't like anything <<
Just a GIF, but what a GIF. Please, hater-cat,
please find something that you enjoy!
http://i.imgur.com/3KqMoRi.gif
>> Chinese Photoshop Trolls - Part 3 <<
We ran a story on these guys a while back, but
they keep getting better. Trolls offer their
retouching services for free, deliberately
misunderstand their clients' instructions.
http://bit.ly/16BDdAe
>> Is this computer desk taking a shit? <<
Bad, bad industrial design.
http://bit.ly/10VxQrC
>> Secret photos of Hitler's bunker <<
Photographer Robert Conrad risked his safety
and freedom, sneaking in to document Hitler's
bunker, while it was in the process of being
dismantled by the East German government in
1987. Eye-opening stuff.
http://bit.ly/18Rpp4Y
>> Sutton Coldfield's sneezing world record <<
Back in the 70s, Tricia Reay managed to hold
the world record, sneezing constantly for 194
days. Her achievement is commemorated here,
with a lovely bluegrass song about it, by
Record Breakers Roy Castle.
http://bit.ly/18TlgLe
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Watch in 240p, like TV from your childhood
>> Christopher Lee's heavy metal album <<
Like most 91-year-olds, legendary horror star
Christopher "Saruman" Lee has made an
ultra-heavy metal album. Preview and a little
interview here. The man is an icon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Charles Dickens is Morrissey <<
Horrible Histories outdoes itself again, with
this clever, tuneful, fact-packed homage to
both the Smith and the author of Martin
Chuzzlewit. Yet another proof of our theory
that 'kids TV is now the best TV'. Although, to
be fair, we did have to class Breaking Bad as
'educational'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1010719
>> There's things worth rioting about, EDL <<
Comedian Mitch Benn sings and education to the
EDL on things they *should* be getting angry
about, instead of being a bunch of ignorant,
racist cunts.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Because_fuck_off_racists
>> Billy Bragg's 'Handyman Blues' <<
A constellation of comedy names in Billy
Bragg's new video about middle-aged manliness
anxiety. Directed by Johnny Vegas, spot Ricky
Glover, Stewart Lee and Bob the Builder
himself, Neil Morrissey.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Billy_Braggs_Handyman_Bl...
>> Real actors read Christian forums <<
Some easy lols to be had with this series of
highly dramatic readings of semi-literate forum
nonsense. Personal favourite, "there's no proof
of apes".
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1010220
>> Twerking in public <<
Utterly unburdened by shame, comic Mawaan
Rizwan takes his booty to twerk the streets.
He's great.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: BEST OF USVSTH3M
The other project partly run by team B3ta
* 14 kinds of Facebook people you want to
block, but you can’t because they’re sort of
your friends
http://bit.ly/1b6GO6j
* Ghost stations of the London Underground on
the classic Tube map
http://bit.ly/11p5Tbm
* The Homophobatron - anti-gay marriage
arguments that make as much sense as the real
ones
http://bit.ly/14Fdu3l
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Gnomes Challenge
Last week we asked you to celebrate the
Gnome
Your favourites included:
* WINDOWS: computer security receives
be-hatted elfen makeover (E Dunya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10969116
* TRENCH: war horrors portrayed bleakly
with gremlin soldiers (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10969991
* BISCUIT: hungry mouse devours infinite
bourbon cream (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10968801
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/Gnomes/
>> New challenge: Board Games <<
This week's pictorial task is to
infiltrate real-life situations with
board games, and with characters from
said games. Challenge suggested by
HappyToast
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/board-games/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* AN IDEAS GENERATOR FOR THE THREE THINGS WE'D
LIKE TO SEE THIS WEEK
* LIFTS WITH GLASS FLOORS - imagine how scary
that would be? There's one in New Zealand, we'd
like on closer.
* THE DINOSAURS RECREATED ON THEIR OWN ISLAND -
we don't see how that could go wrong.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Kisses: [email protected]
Pisses: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Fork,
The Great Architect, @copybeard, eXOBeX,
@paradisecircus, Amorous Badger, Ten U Us,
HappyToast, Sheriff John Bunnell,
Sanderson Jones.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Jeccius.
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TOP TIP:
Fancy a fun night out but can't afford to? Stay
in instead. (2 Can Chunder)
