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NEWSLETTER: TOP 10 SUBJECTLINE FAILS

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This Week:
* VID - Pope performs exorcism 
* TWEETS - Top 4 best tweets ever
* FOOTBALL - The only footy vid we've ever liked

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving our breath 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   because oxygen is 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     valuable"

B3ta email 583  - 31 May 2013

Read this issue after inhaling helium:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue583 

         Sub :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Make us blub: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: Cassetteboy VS Vloggers
  (sponsored link)

  Mashup artist extraordinaire Cassetteboy has
  spent months watching the youngsters Vlog on
  YouTube and has well, you know, taken the piss a
  bit. Piquant viewing, if youth being lolwhacky
  puts your teeth on edge.
http://tinyurl.com/m9h7kd8


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making 

  >> How complete is your spirituality? <<
  "The Geoff Grace Spiritual Completion Church
  offers you the chance to top up your
  spirituality!" screams wallopfilms. "And at a
  VERY competitive price!" Mentally and 
  spiritually exhausting.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1007574


  >> Pope performs exorcism <<
  "There was evidence of an exorcism on the video
  apparently," observes professional sceptic Black
  Moon. "I didn't see any." And neither did we,
  because we were too busy watching the Pope's
  hands for any funny business.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1006823


  >> BBC Good Food abandons quality control <<
  "I submitted a recipe to the BBC Good Food
  website," chirps The Tramp Surveyor. "They said
  yes." Gross.
http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/3195673/chicken-soup


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: TROLLISH AMAZON REVIEWS
  Sponsored, nay affiliated link stuff

  Baldychops writes, "Baldychops here again. Well
  I'm absolutely delighted to discover that Su
  Pollard is not just my dirty fantasy and, thanks
  to all the 'helpful' votes of my review of the
  Su Pollard phone sock, I've spurted up from 1005
  to 190 in the Amazon reviewer charts." Help him
  further in his request by voting his reviews up:
http://amzn.to/ZitQ3l


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> DIY giant Kinder Egg for my girlfriend <<
  Bloke plans to surprise his girlfriend on her
  birthday, by making her a giant Kinder Egg. To
  say it doesn't go well would be vastly
  understating the stomach-churning results.
http://imgur.com/a/jPZbQ


  >> It's Grim Up North map <<
  Perfectly spanning the intersection between old
  people and Northerners, here's a map of every
  place mentioned in the 1991 JAMS single 'It's
  Grim Up North'. We like maps, and we like the
  KLF and we accept that makes us the perfect
  audience for this material, it might not be for
  everyone.
http://flipflopflyin.com/itsgrimupnorth/index.html


  >> Dogs I have seen <<
  Log of Law of the Playground fame photos every
  single dog they see, puts online with snarky
  captions. Funny.
http://dogsihaveseen.tumblr.com/ 


  >> Sunday afternoon floof <<
  Pictures of cats stuck in things. Our feline
  chums are really at their best when they're in
  no position to spitefully scratch or bite you.
http://imgur.com/gallery/QoCz9


  >> Over 1,000 new pics from original Star Wars <<
  You don't get stuff like this from your modern
  films. It'd all be people crouched in front of
  monitors and Tom Cruise wearing ping-pong balls.
  Though, actually, we might like to see that too.
http://imgur.com/a/0RmF7#0


  >> Just another IKEA catalog <<
  Scandinavian modern-style furniture and
  accessories in amateur pornography
http://justanotherikeacatalog.tumblr.com/


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: Top 4 best tweets ever: 
  Coz mistaking the tweet box for search is fun

  1. @edballsmp Ed Balls 
  2. @rupertmurdoch Louise Mensch 
  3. @pollytoynbee E 
  4. @moira_stuart Fiona Bruce 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but better because there's more buttons

  * Kylie's version of the Twin Peaks theme is
  best thing on the web today.
http://youtu.be/6_gdHvg87Q0 

  * Teenage girl plays Van Halen whilst looking
  bored. Although what this really demonstrates is
  that making gurning faces whilst playing guitar
  is basically acting.
http://bit.ly/1431A6F

  * Don't care much for football, but this goal
  made us grin and clap.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Toddler_scores_goal

  * Samesies - the truth about the human
  domination of the planet.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Samesies:2

  * Robbie Williams on Chatroulette - good to see
  Williams keeping up with the memes of 1998, like
  your embarrassing dad. Actually, pretty funny.
  Fair play to him. Shit song though, we add
  ungraciously. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1006734

  * How to fix a laptop. Fuck yeah, this is how to
  do it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_fix_a_laptop


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: Us Vs Th3m

  Your newsletter team of Rob & Dave, old-school
  B3tan Tom Scott, @flashboy of Sexy A-Levels fame
  and Martin Belam from The Guardian have launched
  a new site.

  Very early days but our favourite stuff so far:
  
  * 6 lines of JavaScript that write Doctor Who
  plots indistinguishable from the current
  series:
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/drwho/

  * Icefail - introducing our moving web essay
  about the devastating effect of the unexpected
  on a small community:
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/icefail/

  * How the internet works 101: #guardiancoffee
  edition:
http://bit.ly/14euVrc

  If you want to sign up for a daily email of this
  stuff written by the B3ta team.
http://bit.ly/ZizxOD


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Flowers Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to photoshop some
  lovely flowers.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * EINSTEIN: dandelion-coiffured physicist
  experiences animated alopecia (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10967039

  * HELLRAISER: startling fluorescent barnet added
  to nail-faced foe (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10967112
  
  * CLOCK: experience actual web voodoo via trusty
  topiary time-piece (c@bbage)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10968194
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/flowers/


  >> New challenge: Gnomes! <<
  What if Gnomes were real, alive, and stealing
  your jobs? IKEA seems to hate them at the moment
  so let's have a week celebrating the Garden Gnome
  in whatever form you see fit (challenge
  suggested by ferret).
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gnomes/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CHOCTOPUS ANALYSED ON U.S. TV - "These Maericans
  didn't really get the choctopus," laments Joel
  Veitch. Although, from their nauseated
  expressions, we think they got the gist.
http://bit.ly/11tiZQB


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * ADBLOCK FOR REAL-LIFE - a downloadable app for
  your Google Glass. 
  
  * DEFENESTRATE, THE COMPUTER GAME - entirely
  consisting of running up an office tower and
  violently throwing the screaming occupants out
  of the window.

  * TAX STICKERS - to label all items with the
  percentage of purchase price paid in country of
  sale. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @giveover, @Upsight,
  Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, Grassie, fucksocks,
  The Great Architect, &#8207;@adamcreen, &#8207;@mikeisbrill,
  Tusk, taters, JamboM. Image challenge by Fraser
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sometimes I
  see something wonderful and I'm relieved I'm not
  wearing Google Glass so it remains my memory and
  not viral content (c) YouTube. Subjlols via your
  mum.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Make your phone feel much heavier than it really
  is by Blu-Tacking it to your desk. (krang)

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