NEWSLETTER: "SAUSAGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT"
This Week:
* EXORCISM - Katie Hopkins
* GAME - Jaws, the text adventure
* VID - Airline safety lols
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving up our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | pennies to buy a
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| rain machine"
B3ta email 599 - 20th Sept 2013
Read this issue in a different window:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue599
Lovers : [email protected]
Shovers : [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> National Airlines safety video <<
"If you have to fly with any airline, make sure
it's National Airlines," advises ratbanjos. A
cheesy inflight safety video with new
voiceover, this is wonderfully wrong.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/National_Airlines
>> 'Over the cliffs' <<
"I made this video here in Shetland, with a
waterproof camera and a big stick," boasts
RompaStompa. All we can say is that it must
have been a particularly big stick, as the
camera soars contemplatively high above the
rugged Scottish landscape.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Over_the_cliffs
>> Sherlock Holmes: Pipe Battle <<
"Hope you like it," opines feelwelcome of this
peculiar Sherlock Holmes pipe-smoking remix.
Just odd.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1069630
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: USVSTH3M
B3ta-affiliated project that sucks our time
* 19 WAYS TO MAKE AN ILLUSTRATOR GRIND THEIR
TEETH TO BLOODY STUMPS - think being an
illustrator is all drawing awesome unicorns and
people telling you you're great? Think again,
for it is a job that destroys teeth. TEETH WE
TELL YOU.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/61672228017/19-ways
* JAWS: THE TEXT ADVENTURE - how bitey are you?
C'mon! You get to play the SHARK! Who doesn't
want to be a shark?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/jaws/
* CAN YOU SPOT THE NORTHAMPTON CLOWN? -
Northampton is currently being haunted by a
sinister clown. Dare you play our latest game
and track him down?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/northampton-clown/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Break-up Stories
We wanted the gory details of your relationship
failures. And you gave them to us. Go read
pineapplecharm's story of love, loss and DIY:
http://b3ta.com/questions/breakingup/
* MATCHED - "In the smoldering ashes of a
marriage breakup I decided to get back out there
and meet someone new. So, like many, I gave
online dating a try. There wasn't a great deal
of choice back then and match dot com was by far
the biggest, so I dutifully filled their profile
pages, uploaded pictures and submitted payment.
I almost held my breath with excitement as I
clicked the button to find my matches... The
first match back was 100%: could there really be
my perfect partner out there living in the same
small town as me!? No, that genius website had
decided my perfect match was my ex-wife. Looking
further I decided I probably wasn't ready to get
back on the dating scene after all. And they
don't do refunds." (golddust)
* ARSED - "You get into a relationship, you're
well matched, you share interests and the sex is
*fantastic*. So much so, that you move in and
talk about making it all permanent. She asks me
to fix her computer, as it was running like it
was submerged in treacle. Halfway through I
accidentally dropped a file into the recycling
bin. Clicked through and I found loads of
pictures of my beloved getting royally porked at
various angles by some bloke. I then found that
a) the pictures were only dated the previous
week and b) all my stuff could clearly be seen
on the bedside cabinet. Well fuck that shit. I
could live with being cheated on. What really
got me that there was clearly a third person
holding the camera, and the arse pummeling up
and down sometimes had a tattoo, sometimes it
didn't. I closed the lid on her laptop, moved
out that day, haven't spoken since." (Freddie
Woo)
* DYED - "Not me, but my friend. She had been
dating this guy for about a year and was utterly
smitten. One night he took her out for dinner as
he had something to talk about. Was he going to
ask her to move in with him? No. Said it wasn't
her, it was him. He just needed to try something
new. Something different. "Like what?" she
sobbed, "Are you gay? Are you going travelling?"
No, he just thought it was time he was with
someone more... BLONDE. And as she stared at him
in disbelief, he went on, "Please don't mis-
understand me. The very last thing I'm saying is
that you should go off and dye your hair."
(rachelswipe)
>> This Week - TWAT FRIENDS <<
You know the one, the mate who is guaranteed to
ruin every social situation by being an
embarrassment/sexist/racist/bellend etc. Tell us
all about them, and remember if you don't have
one, it's you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/twatfriends/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Android Kit-kat comic <<
Kids are scared of the silliest stu… Oh, wait,
that is terrifying.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nestle_free_week
>> OmNomNomify the web <<
It's hard to convey just how much joy you can
get from replacing every picture on the web
with animated GIFs of the Cookie Monster
dancing. War, disaster, fashion, celebrity -
all infinitely improved.
http://omnomnomify.com/
>> The difficult life of the BBC newsreader <<
Newsreader pronounces a 35-letter Hawaiian
surname not once, but TWICE, in a 29-second
broadcast. We kind of want this to be video to
see him punch the air when gets through.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p01h0lgf
>> Has Johnny Cash really "been everywhere"? <<
Johnny Cash makes a bold claim in "I've Been
Everywhere" - this guy puts it to the test, by
mapping the song's locations.
http://johnnycashhasbeeneverywhere.com/
>> Pixar's 22 Rules of Storytelling <<
Ex-Pixar artist lays out the company's 22 rules
of compelling storytelling. A great way to
indulge your occasional fantasies about writing
that great novel or screenplay.
http://imgur.com/a/fPLnM
>> World's worst estate agent photography <<
Collection of absolutely brain-molesting house
detail photography - some from people who tried
too hard, but most who just couldn't give a
fuck.
http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.tumblr.com/
>> Pinterest board of all Steve Ballmer's jumpers <<
Why does this exist? We can only guess.
Guess... and shudder in dread.
http://bit.ly/181Bvox
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: HELP WANTED
The Sunday Assembly
Long-time B3tan Sanderson Jones writes:
"The Sunday Assembly is the atheist church that
is going global. We're making a crowdfunding
video, and looking for an animator to do a
little bit. Anyone want to help email or
Twitter us? Thanks!
https://twitter.com/SundayAssembly
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a lol but smaller
>> Updated version of 'Right Said Fred' <<
Cockney classic updated for these modern times.
This guy's delivery is absolutely spot on.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1067085/
>> Ginger cat vs Paper Army <<
Little paper guys mob up to tackle their
nemesis - a ginger cat.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ginger_cat
>> The Exorcism Of Katie Hopkins <<
Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby attempt
to drive the evil from professional "social
commentator" Hopkins.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1068178/
>> Why stock video footage doesn't have sound <<
Getty vids, dubbed with alarming, new
soundtracks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Getty_Dubs
>> How to ride a wrecking ball like Miley Cyrus <<
For "Miley" read "fleshy, uncooked chicken".
Sort of funny, veering towards actually
upsetting. Yeesh. What an emotional
rollercoaster.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1067779
>> Pub-style bets you will always win <<
10 Bets You'll Always Win is a video series
explaining clever wagers you can make with your
chums, in the almost surefire knowledge that
they'll fail.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Alien Invasion Challenge
Last week we wanted you to picture life
after the forthcoming alien invasion
Your favourites included:
* BREAKFAST: homely gathering spoilt by
bursting life-form facial (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11010067
* TALENT: X-Factor panel invaded to ensure
other-worldly winner (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11011081
* REALITY: further X-Factor frights, as
personal journey climaxes (Joe Scaramanga)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11009444
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/alien-invasion/
>> New challenge: Misheard Lyrics II <<
Mishearing lyrics for the LOLs is one of
the cornerstones upon which B3ta was
built, yet we haven't done it as a
challenge since 2004. Time to put that
right. Suggested by PedroHin and Shallowz.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/misheard-lyrics/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TAN IN THE DAILY MAIL - For eating cat
food. "I've made the femail section of the
DailyMail!" exclaims colmcq2. "I don't know
whether to laugh or cry!"
http://dailym.ai/19WRMfO
* NEW LITTLE KUNT ALBUM - There's a new Kunt &
the Gang album, recorded by his high pitched
alterego - and this is the download URL. We
originally linked to his web page, but got
weirded out by the pictures of Pat Butcher's
vagina.
http://bit.ly/17OMfYB
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* STICKERS with "No, your a dick" on them. To
annoy dicks. And pedants.
* MAKEUP in one flexible sheet, so you can just
lay it on your face and save loads of time
before going out.
* AN EXTRA DAY per week, just to spend in
hibernation.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Hey you: [email protected]
Wankers: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MaxineBasset,
Enzyme, mictoboy, The Scrunt, Fluffster, Herb
Alpert's Taxi Driver and robneymcplum.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via
Top tips via robneymcplum.
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TOP TIP:
A cocktail stick, the end sanded-down and
coated with phosphorus sesquisulfide & gelatine
as the binder, makes an ideal emergency match
if you don't fancy walking to the shop.
