NEWSLETTER: NEVER USE INTERNET EXPLORER EVER
This Week:
* ANIM - Muffin song
* GAME - Name that 90s Smash
* MELON - Right in the face
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're hating
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Yahoo Groups
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| neo... together"
B3ta email 604 - 25 Oct 2013
Read this newsletter in readable format:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue604
Sub : [email protected]
Mariner : [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Bakin', Warnin', Muffin
>> Life is great when you're a muffin <<
"This sunny little cartoon examines the
day-to-day antics of a sentient muffin,"
explain Cope&Dalton. "Because we've all
wondered."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1084307/
>> Great British Bake-Off alternate ending <<
"If you haven't seen the end of this year's
Great British Bake Off do not watch this,"
warns becomingbatman. We feel that if you've
missed it you deserve everything you get.
Anyway, here's the re-edited ending that will
be included in the box set.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1085824/
>> A warning from the future <<
Somegreybloke warns of the encroaching
'Islamification' of Britain that will...
basically, make it a nicer place with fewer
drunks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_warning_from_the_futur...
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: USVSTH3M
Stuff we like and also we made
* GEORGE OSBORNE'S AUSTERITY NINJA - Slash the
budget, grab the cash! Play it with sound on
for the full benefit.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/austerity-ninja/
* NAME THAT 90s SMASH - how are your skills at
spotting hits from the music's Greatest
Decade... Ever?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/name-that-90s-smash-hit/
* REAL BRITISH SIGN LANGUAGE - in case you
thought the Brits were just flapping their
hands around.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/64961201835/the-real-brit...
* ALIENS, PREDATOR OR ROBOCOP? Guess the
nostalgic sci-fi film from the cheesy dialogue.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/aliens-predator-or-roboco...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Bad Dates
Last week we wanted you to tell us about your
least successful date. And, like a bunch of
losers, you had some great stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/baddates/
* STINKY - "Job interview in Shanghai, booked
into a hotel by the firm with another applicant:
a Canadian ex-figure skater. Thinking 'yeah,
gonna have a crack at that,' I take her for a
cheap Kung Pao Chicken. After a walk around
the Bund it's clear she's terminally boring,
but I'm even more determined to get something
out of the evening.
"We get back to the hotel area and a tiny
little rumble starts in my guts. Within 50m of
the hotel, there's loads of body contact, I'm
in! But this fart needs out before we're in a
confined space. One little push should do
it... WHOOOOOSH! Out comes a jet of scalding
hot, brown liquid.
"I'm in the middle of the street with shit
running through my white linen shorts and down
my legs: distract her! Managed to make some
weird game of walking behind her with my hands
on her shoulders till I shove her into the
lift and pretend I forgot something.
"I let the doors close before sprinting to my
room, soiled stuff into bathroom bin, bin on
window ledge, 20sec hosedown in the shower, and
she's banging on my door. By now, I just want
to get the sex over with and fall asleep, so I
jump on her and rush through some rudimentary
foreplay, just get the tip in when there's
knocking on the door and they won't give up.
"It's the bellboy wanting to return a bin-full
of shitty clothes that've fallen from the
window ledge into the hotel entrance. Now
everything stinks of shit. We both agree that
just maybe we should sleep in our own rooms."
(Ol' Ginger Bastard)
* HORSEY - "I'd just started seeing a rather fun
woman, and we were still in those low-numbered
dates when you are discovering all the different
ways you can fit your bodies together. After a
busy night we'd been woken by the early morning
sun streaming into her flat, and it seemed a shame
to simply go back to sleep. So off we went again.
"Luckily there a sheet draped over us when her
four-year-old daughter ran into the room. Seeing
me on top of her mother didn't phase her; in
fact she jumped up on top of me and giggled,
'Let's play horsey!'
"Thankfully we manage to disengage without
causing irreparable trauma to the little one.
I then have to carry her around the room for a
few circuits, with my whelk- shrivelled cock
attempting to climb back into my body and her
mother in the corner pissing herself laughing."
(moon monkey)
* SHORTY - "Some years ago, a girl named Sandra
and I went to watch Trainspotting at the cinema.
It was going swimmingly. We were the only people
in the theatre to laugh when Spud said walking
across moorland was not 'natural'. I whisked
Sandra off to sticky Camden dive The Underworld
for some late drinks, intimate chat and perhaps
exchange of fluids.
"A couple of watered-down Carlsbergs later,
who should walk in but Green Day singer Billy
Joe Armstrong and a small entourage? Sandra
went over seeking his autograph, but instead
got invited to a party, for which they left
immediately without so much as a nod in my
direction, leaving me with only my 'lager' for
company. Billy Joe Armstrong is very short."
(wellweapon)
>> This Week - LEGO <<
Show us the greatest thing you've made with
Lego, or tell us how you got a big bit stuck
up your winky:
http://b3ta.com/questions/lego/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Words For That <<
Site that matches words with no meaning to
meanings in search of a word. Our current fave:
Stalkwardness - “When talking with someone in
person, trying not to seem like you know too
much about them despite having stalked them on
Facebook and knowing details of their life.”
http://www.wordsforthat.com/
>> Retro computers as USB keyboards <<
Nostalgic for the ZX Speccie, or a Commodore
64? This Etsy shop transforms ancient home
computers into stylish, contemporary keyboards.
http://goo.gl/ZxFOCr
>> Squishy Earth <<
Vent your frustrations with the world on this
squashable web toy of the old-school variety.
http://www.byronknoll.com/earth.html
>> GIFs before there were GIFs <<
Tumblr of quirky animations that date from
before there was even cinema.
http://dickbalzer.tumblr.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Did that jpg just move???
>> Windscreen cat <<
Mean, but also rather funny. Triggering the
windscreen wipers at juuuuust the right time.
http://b3ta.com/links/1085222
>> Toddler dresses as neon stick-man <<
Cute and alarming in equal measure - dad makes
glow-in-the-dark Halloween outfit for his
two-year-old daughter.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dawwww
>> Amazing hand-lettering demo <<
The guy looks like a Tesco Value Slash from
Guns 'n Roses, but when he starts to write...
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1085324
>> Melon in the face <<
Old, but we still love this clip from The
Amazing Race. Woman falls foul of
malfunctioning melon-catapult. "I can't feel my
face."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1086045
>> Sushi cats <<
Another WTF video from Japan - cats, sushi,
cute, inexplicable. You know the score.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Chicken Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate
chickens, because they're ace. Your
favourites included:
* PUN: Photoshop triumph in delightful
challenge synchronicity (moon monkey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11021309
* FORCE: death egg explosion rampage for
spectacular Star Wars thing (Tribs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11021838
* WORDPLAY: Princess Leia features in
baffling puzzle (The Silent Channel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11022602
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/chicken
>> New challenge: Soviet Propaganda UK <<
Comrades! This week's Proletariat
challenge is to take Soviet propaganda
posters and update them to reflect life
in modern Britain. Fight the Bourgeoisie!
With revolution! And Photoshop!
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/soviet-uk/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories
* EDINBURGH SHOW - "A while ago, you linked to
my Twitter account," writes @HarryMyCatDied.
"Well, I ended up doing an sell-out Edinburgh
Fringe show out of it, and am now touring the
UK with it. I do hope you can all come see the
shit out of it!"
http://wegottickets.com/HarryMyCatDied
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LEGS MADE OF TITANIUM - so they don't start
aching at inconvenient times.
* AN AWARD that you could win, and love, but
still allow you to retain your outsider
credibility
* A MATERIAL POSSESSION that could bring true
happiness for more than a fleeting instant,
before leaving you hollower than before.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sub: [email protected]
Snub: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by sinisterduck,
Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, Dawn Of The Bread,
and happy Weds b3taday barryheadwound.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top tip via @peachesanscream.
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: TOP TIP:
When you have to introduce two cats, put
vanilla essence under their chins and on the
back of their tails. That way, they think they
both smell the same and don't fight.
Bonus: Both cats taste of delicious vanilla.
