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NEWSLETTER: "HOW DO YOU KNOW IF SOMEONE HAS GOT AN APPLE WATCH? THEY'LL TELL YOU."

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This Week:
* INTERACTIVE - Guardian hivemind, look at it?
* TOILETS - How much are your poos worth?
* AUDIO - What does a tortilla sound like?

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving our   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   selves and screw 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     the lot of you!"

B3ta email 661 - 24 April 2015

Read this issue whilst coughing loudly:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue661

Friend b3ta on Facebook: 
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

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:  PRIMUS UK TOUR
   (Hell yes! A real sponsored link!)

  Primus opens up a portal to their weird Primus
  psychedelic world this June, touring London,
  Manchester and Birmingham. Two sets: One of
  oddball classics and the other exploring their
  re-imagining of Charlie and the Chocolate
  Factory.
http://kililive.com/artists/primus

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What's your 'UKIP election flyer' name?
Simply take your real name and spell it wrong.

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  * GUARDIAN HIVEMIND - bigdragon writes, "Have you
  ever thought The Guardian website was too easy
  to read? Do you prefer your headlines all
  jumbled together and psychedelic?" Yes!
  Absolutely! Actually it's pretty interesting to
  stick words in and find out what the Guardian
  makes of them. A liberal splodge of STUFF.
http://www.theguardianhivemind.com/


  * TOILET CASH TIMER - Jibbed writes, "Like all
  my best ideas, I devised this while sat on the
  bog in work for 40 minutes. It's a real
  motivator." We've seen stuff like this before,
  but hey, it's nice to be reminded that you can
  earn money just sitting on the loo.
http://www.dumpdollars.com


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FOLLOW B3TA ON FACEBOOK 

There's stuff we don't put on the site like...

* WATCH PADDY ASHDOWN SAY BASTARD 7 TIMES - we
made a edit so you can hear this in less than 14
seconds - unlike the boring BBC 4-minute-long
version.
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan/videos/1012483068764308/


* THE DREADFUL UKIP RING-TONE SO AWFUL YOU NEED TO
HEAR IT RIGHT NOW -  out of tune, bad harmonies,
the lot. And the worst bit? It'll stay in your head forever. 
http://bit.ly/stick-this-on-your-phone-if-you-are-a-wanker


* ANDROID PISSING ON APPLE VIA GOOGLE MAPS -
including our attempt to draw cocks on Number 10
Downing Street.
http://bit.ly/is-no-one-at-google-awake


Make sure you follow us else we'll cry:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan


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What's your 'establishment pedophile' name?
Simply take your real name & add 'sir' to the start

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QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
Wank Bank from IHaveRunOutOfCoke

When I was 11, I was into electronics. My best
ever project was to install Maplin type pressure
pads around the house under the carpet, and wire
them all up to little light bulbs, attach all the
bulbs to a wooden board, and label them with their
locations. I did all of this when my parents were
out, and for years, I could tell where people were
in the house - roughly. As I became a teenager,
this actually proved fantastically useful as a
rudimentary wank alert, and allow me enough time
to hide my tadger should anyone head toward my
bedroom door.

I moved out of there 20 years ago, but bought the
house off my parents about 5 years ago.

Funnily enough, the system is still there, and god
bless, it mostly still works. As my old children's
bedroom is now my grown up office, it still
performs the exact job it did all those years ago.
Only it now warns me of my missus' approach. I'm
never going to reveal it to her but I shall pass
it on to my son one day.

Boys never change do they?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/technohacks/post504613


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'photoshop the UK' challenge

  Last week we messed with the often mundane
  images being captured by geograph.co.uk.
 
  Your favourites included:

  * Signs: It's like Stephen King's 50 Shades of
  Grey. (VicBrown)
http://b3ta.com/board/11146318

  * Grave: the real reason that gravestones are
  often at funny angles (HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/11146909
 
  * Lava: Beautiful, glittery light for the
  capital. (Dubble)
http://b3ta.com/board/11146472
  
  All these images, and a load more can be found
  here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/PhotoshopUK/


   >> New challenge: Celebrity Deaths 2 <<

  We last dabbled in funny famous fatalities back
  in 2007, which means we've had 8 years of new
  z-list celebs to imagine terrible fates for.
  Think up hilarious and possibly ironic endings
  to befall our idols - then bring them to life with
  the power of photoshop.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/celebdeath2/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * AUSTRALIAN GOVERNMENT DEBUNKS MINECRAFT'S LIES
  - someone needs to stop our kids learning this
  bad science.
http://www.ga.gov.au/corporate_data/79560/79560.pdf


  * DAILY  MAIL PRANK -  Hilarious! The DM run a
  story and embed a tweet, and then the twitter account owner
  changes their name to "THE MAIL LIES"
http://blog.dave.org.uk/2015/04/quoted-by-the-daily-mail.html


  * WHAT DID THE FIRST APPLE HOMEPAGE LOOK LIKE -
  shit is the answer. 
http://kfury.com/the-first-apple-homepage

  
  * A GUY WHOSE LAST NAME IS NULL IS DRIVING
  DATABASE MANAGERS INSANE - one for the coders
  reading our newsletter.
http://bit.ly/do-not-google-nullos


  * POWERFUL ARTICLE ON KATIE HOPKINS FROM THE
  ALWAYS WONDERFUL THE QUIETUS - let's hope
  they're wrong though and we're not slowly
  slipping into fascism. 
http://thequietus.com/articles/17740-katie-hopkins-the-sun


  * PHOTOSHOP LOLS - So this guy asked the
  internet to photoshop the Eiffel Tower under his
  finger. What happened next won't surprise you
  in the least (they wilfully misunderstood his
  instructions). Hopefully it will amuse you though.
http://imgur.com/a/zlwlK


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FOLLOW @B3TA ON TWITTER: 

Imagine if you could see all the front-paged B3ta
images, the odd other thing we found funny and a
link to the newsletter in amongst a load of tosh
from your friends? Well that is possible. THANKS
TWITTER!  (4,822 followers, all of them SEXY.)
https://twitter.com/b3ta


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a cinema but without the ice-cream interval  

  * MELANCHOLY NIGEL FARAGE SONG - TheBigDoge
  writes, "I've found a nice link on youtube. It's
  a music video featuring Nigel Farage. It was
  directed by the brother of one of my mates."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3d8M7U6cBX4


  * ARGH THE DRUGS - You might not be in the mood
  for an acid flashback but this version of Full
  Metal Jacket is giving us vapour trails
http://bit.ly/nam-man-it-was-bad


  * JOCKEY'S TROUSERS FALL DOWN WHILST HORSE
  RACING - as they say it's a cracking finish.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crack_ing_finish


  * VOTE FOR FROGLET! At the 1974 general election
  Oliver Postgate, despairing of the political
  classes, made an episode of The Clangers
  introducing '70s toddlers to the delights of
  anarcho-syndicalism. This is a thing that ACTUALLY
  happened, and the BFI site allows you to watch
  it all.
http://player.bfi.org.uk/film/watch-vote-for-froglet-1974/


  * WHAT IF MAN OF STEEL WAS IN COLOR? - Turns out
  the recent Superman film was graded with such a
  muted palette that it barely looks like Superman
  at all.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Du-eYiD9OfM


  * SCHADENFREUDE LOLS AT TIDAL - As the music
  streaming app drops below 700 in the iTunes
  chart, fun is to had at the expense of its poor,
  multi-millionaire pop-star backers.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Help_end_their_suffering_Now


  * WHAT A TORTILLA SOUNDS LIKE ON A RECORD PLAYER
  -  Who'd have thought it?
http://bit.ly/tum-te-tum-te-tum


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: B3TA BOOKS BIT
  A special section because er... BOOKS!
  
  * READ ABOUT HOW TO SURVIVE IN PRISON -
  cairns.alan writes, "My friend has updated his
  prison guide, as featured in b3ta #503. The
  guide is still free online as a PDF, but is also
  available to buy on paper. It also includes new
  illustrations by FT/Private Eye cartoonist Banx,
  and comes with a seal of approval from Will
  Self.

  "Unfortunately my friend has lost control
  of prisonism.info, and the content is now on
  prisonism.com. It would be great if you could
  feature this in the newsletter again, all
  profits go back into prisoner support projects.
http://www.prisonism.com/


  * "INVADED BY THE IWATCH" -  This is an actual
  ebook you can buy. It's vaguely satirical -
  science fiction / consumer fetishism stuff. But
  mostly we're linking to it because we like the
  cover and the title.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00V2WXYO4/b3ta-21


  * DEAR MR LE BON - Paul writes, "Two dear chums
  of mine Mr Wilf Turnbull and Mr Derek Philpott
  of Bournemouth, active pensioners with enquiring
  minds, have written a book, detailing their
  communications with pop stars, requesting them
  to come clean about the meaning of their lyrics.
  
  "So far respondents have included Nik Kershaw,,
  Gary Numan, Toyah, Suggs, Howard Jones, The
  Communards, Glenn Gregory of Heaven 17, Mark
  King of Level 42 and Yazz, along with many
  others. Examples of the responses can be found
  at Wilf's site here:"
http://www.wilfturnbull.co.uk/

  And crowd fund it into a book here:
http://bit.ly/duran-duran-rule-and-thats-why-we-are-linking-this


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What's your 'Tory' name?
http://edmilibandbeingsexy.tumblr.com/image/115599161377

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   Thankers:   b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Wankers:   b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by RompaStompa,
  jonofthesouth, nordelius & Fork Image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via @JuliaRampenMM.

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:  PRIMUS UK TOUR
   Bonus ad repeating - thanks B3ta!

  Primus opens up a portal to their weird Primus
  psychedelic world this June, touring London,
  Manchester and Birmingham. Two sets: One of
  oddball classics and the other exploring their
  re-imagining of Charlie and the Chocolate
  Factory.
http://kililive.com/artists/primus

  
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Friend b3ta on Facebook: (3,695 likes)
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

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  TOP TIP: Wow - someone actually emailed us with
  an actual tip. Old school. Here we go,
  thememoryhole writes, "Piss on your garden. It
  adds nitrogen."

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