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This Week:
Found in newsletter: "Turn off the internet. We were wrong. It was a terrible mistake"
* QUIZ - Play Your Postcards RIGHT
* BOT - How long until Chernobyl is livable?
* CHALLENGE - Animals in movies

Stupid Twitter accounts to follow this week
Found in newsletter: "Reading this newsletter will give you 24 hours good luck"

* DARTBOARDS OF FILM AND TV - this account
collects images of when dartboards can be seen
in the background of films and TV. Beyond
pointless but amusing.

try and quote some of the ones without words
that'll upset the filters: "Embarrassing Farts
In Front Of Strangers", "Chasing The Big S**t
Woman. The Invisible Man Camera" and "I Was
Being F***ed In Front Of The Photo Of My Dead
Husband, And I Went Insane With Orgasmic

* PARTRIDGE TREK - Your favorite Alan Partridge
quotes on photos of the AHA Enterprise.

Yes, block everything
Found in newsletter: "You subscribed, we sent the email. It’s a deal that won’t be rejected by Parliament"

If we ever managed to send our newsletters on
time then this would make sense, it's a plea to
block all shitty Black Friday crap.

And you should, we don't need that junk here,
this is Britain, the land of err.. actually
what does Britain stand for now? Voting to cut
off our penises to spite our balls and Mumford
and Sons.

Sinking into the sea is too good for us.

@man writes, "Remove all spam from your inbox
by unsubscribing to all Black Friday
promotions. You are welcome."

The Sierpinski Zoom Game
Found in newsletter: "Ringo wasn't even the best cummer in the Beatles"

This will fuck your eyes up. Rules: blank
screen = bad; lines on screen = good; move
cursor to make good.

Friday Games
Found in newsletter: "NEWSLETTER 664?! WE DEMAND A RECOUNT!"

Don't click this link if you value work
Found in newsletter: "NEWSLETTER 664?! WE DEMAND A RECOUNT!"

Cute numbers game that's a bit like the
time-sucking hit 2048. The link goes to a web
version but there is also a mobile app
available. Kept us clicking for a good twenty
minutes then we remembered we had a newsletter
to write. (Also like 2048, we wonder if it could
be remade with gif uploads.)

You remember web games right?
Found in newsletter: "Hello? Does anyone even check their junk mail folders any more?"

this one bit. It's that good. Use scroll button
to stay alive.

* LOCK AND KEY GAME - short and cute.

Friday Games
Found in newsletter: Enriched with cats and cat-derived proteins
>> Maverick Bird <<
Flappy Bird as recreated by the developer of
Super Hexagon. Every single bit as maddeningly
hard as the original, but with slightly
different controls.

Where's That StreetView?
Found in newsletter: "More gags than a Midwest basement"

Look at a Google StreetView location. Guess
where it is. Lesson? A fair bit of the
ex-Soviet Union looks like Spain. Oh, and you
can cheat if you get the chance to read shop

Found in newsletter: "A Vile Product of Internet Culture"

Example tweets include:

* Due to line managers not paying their monthly
tithes to the Rat King, there are delays on the
Jubilee line.

* Chaos on the Central line due to a maverick
train who plays by its own rules, dammit. It's
getting punctual results, though, so fair play.

* St Jame's's' Park station is temporarily
closed due to an abundance of apostrophe's's


A vaguely amusing twitter twat to follow
Found in newsletter: "Not that you'll read it until Tuesday, you skiving twats"

@edwardrussia writes, "Accidental Alan Partridge
tweets are v funny." Yep, pointing out Jeremy
Clarkson is a bit Partridgey is obvious but

Code Injection
Found in newsletter: "HAPPY CHEESE PASTY AND A WANK DAY"

Nifty game, where you 'inject' actions into
your character and random monsters for
differing results to guide you safely through
levels of a maze.

400 years: The Game
Found in newsletter: "There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. Fucking Tories."

Neat, experimental game mechanic. Pressing
space makes time go quickly allowing trees to
grow or water to freeze so you can navigate the

Choose your own adventure flash game
Found in newsletter: "100% horsemeat. No bull."

10 years in the making, the game is set in the
early 1980s, during a period of Cold War
tension, and you play a kid in a first-world
democracy on lunch break. Amusing.

Trek in the City
Found in newsletter: "Calm down dear. It's just a newsletter"

Spun-off from the fact that Kim Cattrall, the
actor who played cougar Samantha in Sex in the
City, also had a part in Star Trek VI, the
tweets combine sci-fi babble with stuff about

Physics Pacman

Wouldn't normally link to a downloady game but
the idea is so neat - a version of Pacman where
you rotate the maze and drop him onto the
ghosts. Watch the video:

Guess the word
Found in newsletter: "The real year is 13.75 billion+1. Not 2013, you religious nuts"

As kids we used to play a guess the number game
- player 1 thinks of a number, player 2 guesses,
player 1 says higher or lower. We're kicking
ourselves that we didn't think of applying this
model to words. This version is almost great but
needs a smaller dictionary without obscure words
in it and a better interface.

A Blocky Christmas
Found in newsletter: "FINALLY Y2K COMPLIANT"

Finally, a flash game where you play a magnet.
At Christmas. Level 12 is hard. But then so is
our penis, or at least it used to be, in the

Shit your pants game
Found in newsletter: "Dead bird won't sing again. Please retweet."

Benjamin Turquier writes, "Dear Magic Donkey,
please accept this 'you pooped your pants at
work and have to escape' flash game." The Donkey
accepts the offering and brays.

Fucking Old Spice do something funny
Found in newsletter: "Just one more week of LookingLikeANoncember to go"

And we link to it through gritted teeth - you
don't need this stinky shit over your body, but
their ad people are on the ball.

Twitter accounts to block because they're
Found in newsletter: "Handed to David Cameron on a piece of card"
funnier than us and it makes us jealous

* PIPPA TIPS - a spoof on the Middleton
sister's books that state the bleeding obvious,
e.g, "a haircut is a great way to deal with
over-grown or untidy hair. Hair salons & barbers
can do this for you in exchange for money."

Typing Karaoke
Found in newsletter: "No longer available on Ceefax"

Love web projects that manage to pitch the
entire concept in the title - where you can
guess how the whole thing will play out in the
time it takes to load.

13k HTML5 games
Found in newsletter: "WARNING: Do not read in Christian B&Bs"

Challenge web designers to make canvas-based
games in less than 13k of code (that's about
enough space to store 2,500 words of the play
Hamlet) and what do you get? Stuff that makes us
think the world is full of very clever people.

Draw your own computer game
Found in newsletter: "Joke free for legal purposes"

Deceptively simple playing fields and controls -
mindless fun ensues - we like it mainly for the
DIY art, extremely reminiscent of Line Rider
circa 2006 - but executed using HTML5 canvas
stuff which means Adobe hate it and will cry
flash vector tears if you play it.

Flabby physics
Found in newsletter: "One minute you're taking register. Next day you're on one."

Confusing at first as this game hides your
mouse pointer, just keep pressing space and
you'll get the hang of it.

I saw her standing there
Found in newsletter: "LIKE TWO FRIED EMBASSIES"

Lovely indie game featuring romance, zombies
and rotten guitar playing.

Give up & Project Giana plug
Found in newsletter: "David Cameron is now following you on Twitter!"

>> Give up <<
Portalesque 2D single screen platformer with
~50 increasingly challenging layouts to clear.
We gave up by level 5 and particularly enjoyed
pressing the give up button.

>> Project Giana <<
Craig Robinson of Gp32 / Pandora fame writes,
"I was wondering if you might try to help these
guys? They are trying to raise $150k to
kickstart a new version of the classic The
Great Giana Sisters. I know a lot of the
newsletter readers are classic gamers, so it
seems worth a try."

Pretend to be a Unicorn game
Found in newsletter: "Julian Assange's fave Dylan song? Knock knocking on Ecuador"

Couldn't get anywhere in this, but making the
unicorn stumble and fall over made us giggle
rather a lot. And maybe that's the point.

Harry, my cat died...
Found in newsletter: "Two days until the NHS closing ceremony"

Takartha80 recommends, "Twitter account
@Harrymycatdied, which retweets when One
Direction fans tell Harry Styles that they've
got a dead cat." Epic, epic trolling.

Found in newsletter: "B3ta unaccountably silent while beach volleyball in progress"

Example tweets include:




Found in newsletter: "B3ta unaccountably silent while beach volleyball in progress"

Meepmeep writes, "Use letters to make words.
Open areas to collect new letters. Try and
complete the alphabet. Cracking little Friday

Found in newsletter: "Offical Purile Digital Arts Community Partner of the 2012 Olympic Games"

The philosophy of Søren Kierkegaard mashed with
the tweets and observations of Kim Kardashian.

Sample tweets include

"Lazy day poolside! Best french toast ever. No
other loss can occur so quietly as the loss of
one's self."

"Good morning Miami! Here everything lies naked
and visible before God, and consciousness has
nowhere to hide."

"My soul always turns back to the Old Testament
& Shakespeare. They hate, love, murder their
enemies. What could be more summery than that?"

FYI: We've just looked up Søren Kierkegaard
trying to find some fun facts. There are none.
Not one.

Mario Crossover

Play classic Mario maps with Nintendo
characters including Link, Samus, Bill R, Simon
and Megaman. We like the one with a gun.
Someone should remake Tetris with a gun.

Minimalist RPG for your Friday gaming pleasure
Found in newsletter: "BUY $38 B3TA SHARES HERE. SORRY, $28."

We spent a good hour on this game last night
and wasted much of the time we should have been
researching the B3ta newsletter. So lo-fi you
might dismiss it but if you do engage with it -
gosh crazily addictive. Make sure you press the
button to turn the Japanese into English and
fuck it, we want to finish writing this damn
newsletter so we can have another go. Seriously
- are there any iOS games like this?

Des'ree and her shit lyrics
Found in newsletter: "Brogrammers: coders who love bro-jobs"

Des'ree once sang "I don't want to see a ghost
/ It's a sight that I fear most / I'd rather
have a piece of toast." A rhyme so notoriously
banal that few have forgotten it. Including
this newly created parody account featuring
such delights as "Murdoch is quite an old man.
He's not young like that Gok Wan. Listening to
Duran Duran. Missing Madeleine McCann."

Rambo's Last Blood
Found in newsletter: "Brogrammers: coders who love bro-jobs"

Celebrating 30 years of Sinclair Spectrum this
week with this experimental sequel to Rambo:
First Blood (which was basically a remake of
Commando). Here Rambo dies and attempts to
atone for the pain he's caused, by hugging
the souls of the dead.

New Spectrum game! Blimey. Are we Crash! now?
Found in newsletter: "Guaranteed to contain absolutely no references to L****N 2**2"

joefish writes, "Celebrate 30 splendiferous
years of the ZX Spectrum by stoking up an
emulator (ZXSpin, or FUSE if you're Linuxed)
and playing my new Speccy game Buzzsaw+, wot
does things with colours that Speccies aren't
supposed to do. Winner of World of Spectrum's
game-of-the-year poll - which may not sound
much but there were over 100 new titles
released for the Speccy last year alone."

Friday Games
Found in newsletter: "Gay buses spread HGV virus claim Christians"

Just the fax ma'am
Found in newsletter: "Gay buses spread HGV virus claim Christians"

* ITALY - Friday the 17th is considered unlucky
to our Roman cousins - even once renaming a
popular Hollywood film, "Shriek – Do You Have
Something to Do on Friday the 17th"

* GREECE - Whereas the Greeks get the
heebie-jeebies about Tuesday the 13th.

* THE RAP COMMUNITY - Tupac was pronounced dead
on September 13, 1996. If he'd lived he'd now
be 41 and rapping about the importance of using
ISAs to save and where to move to get his
kids into a good school.

Lots of variations on Pong
Found in newsletter: "Gay buses spread HGV virus claim Christians"

Possibly our favourite is Epilepsy Pong which
makes the screen flash horribly. If they ever
make V2 our ideas include:
A. SCREAMING PONG - like pong but with the
sounds of screams.
B. YOU'RE PONG NOW - You play the ball and not
the bat.
C. PONG FOR EUROPE - With vaguely UKIPy Terry
Wogan commentary.

Epic Sax Game
Found in newsletter: "Everyone who reads this newsletter will die. Please share."

More 8-bit lols in this Guitar Hero style midi
sax game. Bleepingly good.

8bit Mad Men

8-bit has become shorthand for old-fashioned
computer games - whereas, to our eyes, this is
closest to the Sierra On-Line stuff like
Leisure Suit Larry and Space Quest, which we
remember playing on a distinctly more than
8-bit EGA PC. Anyway - loving work despite our

Friday Games
Suicide has been staved off another week with
small bits of misanthropic humour from the
imaginary season of Friends 11. Best bit? The
cast photo with Jennifer Aniston replaced with
Iggy Pop. (A comparison that George Clooney's
g/f Elisabetta Canalis made famous in 2010;
how bitchy!)

Imagination time

We think you've been playing too many games.
Christ, you've started pissing yourself on the
sofa! So games are banned until further notice
until you can control your addiction.

To amuse yourself we'd like to suggest you use
your imagination to play some games in your
head. Here's some ideas to start you off:

* TV game show idea: "I'm Still Standing"
Punters bet on how long Elton John can stand
up for. Winner gets a 10% net of bets. We get

* Flash game idea: "The Grass Is Greener On
The Other Side." Two pics of grass. Click the
greener one. Theme tune by Nik Kershaw.

* Postman simulator: How fast can you deliver
"Sorry you were out" notes before you nip back
to HQ for a fag?

Lippy name that tune

Smack your lips together and note the tone.
Change the shape of your mouth and note the
different tone. You should be able to roughly
play tunes. We can make a piss-poor stab at
Hot Butter's Pop Corn. Can your colleagues
guess what the tune is? Do they want to stab
you in the face yet?

Think your screen is clean?

If your screen is anything like ours it's
covered in fingerprints, sinister smears and
possibly bodily fluids. However you've probably
tuned it out. Don't clean it yet, play this
'hunt the pixel' game and realise quite how
dirty your screen is. We ended up giving it a
quick wipe and found out we've got one dead
pixel. So basically, this is a link that
spreads misery. Hooray!

Policy Guesses
Found in newsletter: "Better than an email from Linkedin"

Think of the most right-wing policy you can
imagine and guess the year the Tories will
support it. Then add six months to produce the
date when Labour will capitulate.

JAM - proposed for 2015.

the benefits back. (2013)

distributed system called 'workfare' (2012)

This isn't much of a fun game is it? Sorry.
Why not keep spitting and see how long it
takes to fill a cup?

Abobo's Big Adventure
Found in newsletter: "The only newsletter in the world that actually needs censorship"

Eight levels, each a homage to NES games,
including Double Dragon, Zelda, Contra,
Megaman & Punch Out. A visual delight.

Your guide to Twitter "lols"
Found in newsletter: "Can Bob Holness die again today? We liked the nostalgia last Friday"

@StealthMountain alerts Twitter users who've
typed "sneak peak" when they meant "sneak peek"
then favourites the replies. Very gentle
trolling, basically.

Slowest pee ever
Found in newsletter: "Can Bob Holness die again today? We liked the nostalgia last Friday"

When you pee it normally turns into a torrent
pretty damn quickly - can you train your urine
muscles only to dribble it out? We don't mean
stop/start, that would be rubbish, but control
the volume per second. How long can you make a
piss last? Great game for all the family.

Two-way game action

* GREEK PUNISHMENT GAME - In Greek mythology,
Sisyphus was a king punished by being
compelled to roll an immense boulder up a
hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to
repeat this throughout eternity. Now imagine
that as an 8-bit flash game.

writes, "free make-it-yourself board games.
Played over Christmas, and Spree is great fun."

Pitch perfect
Found in newsletter: "SPOILER ALERT: You and everyone you ever loved will die"

Think of a song you know well. Say the intro
riff from the KLFs What Time Is Love. Hum it.
Keep humming it. Look it up on Youtube/Spotify.
Have you got the pitch right? How far were you

This game can also be played with BPM for the
truly mad.

Estimate your piss

The next time you need a wee, take a guess at
the quantity (1 pint? 2 pints?). Carry at least
four pint glasses to the loo and see if you're
right. To play this game is to win.

More tube stalking stuff

Beaverwastemanagement writes, "When you get
on a bus or train or plane you must try as
best you can to avert your eyes from the
passengers as you board (look at the floor for
instance) and get to the furthest back seat
you can. From that viewpoint using only the
clues you can see from behind decide which of
the other travellers you definitely would,
might and definitely would not, not never, not
even with his.

"As you get off the bus you score your
decisions: you get a 2 for Thank fuck I called
that one dead right and a 1 for oh OK if I had
to and you get - 2 points for bejezuz she's
sooo much older than that blonde hair suggests
and a crippling -3 for getting the sex wrong
or anything actually illegal. Just reverse the
sexes for all possible gender preferences or
go the whole hog and rate the entire bus if
you are a greedy bi-sexual. Keep your best
score and try to break it with each new trip.
Alternatively just read Metro. The letters
page is OK I suppose."

BTW: We've just tried playing this game in our
kitchen and have scored -1 for accidentally
contemplating fucking the fridge.

Prof or Tramp? Nobel prize or Hobo prize?
Found in newsletter: "Selling out faster than The Smiths at a John Lewis christmas sale"

We were sent this by an anonymous caller,
clearly inspired by our retro quizzes of
yesteryear. Can you tell the difference between
university staff or derelicts? We couldn't.
Hooray for two groups that don't willingly wear
the handcuffs of smart.

Celebrity Paedophile
Found in newsletter: "I picked the wrong day to give up Moussaka"

Think of a name of a celebrity and google it
with the word "paedophile" and giggle at the
mentalists invariably accusing them of being
part of some Illuminati child-rape cult.

See how far you can walk holding your breath
Found in newsletter: "Shave it off, it grows back thicker. I cant wait to see my new willy"

Can you get to your corner shop? The point of
this game is the same as all games - momentary
distraction during the inevitable trudge towards
death. Oh you want a flash game? Hmm. Ok, let's
imagine one. Frogger Motorway. The cars are too
fast to pass. You die, die, die, but eventually
you realise you can move backwards away from the
motorway and live out your days peaceably in an
unspoiled paradise. 5 stars, would play again.

Close your eyes and find your way

Shut your eyes now. Do it. Think of a place to
go, say the toilet and feel your way there.
Points for not falling down the stairs - but
this isn't a game you can win, it's just about
the experience of navigating the world
differently and exploring how your brain creates
a map of 3D space with or without visual input.

Real citizenship test
Found in newsletter: "WOOT WOOT 500TH NEWSLETTER"

Immigrants coming to the UK have to do a
citizen test, asking them arcane points about
UK law that few who live here actually know
about. This would be a much better test:

Crisp game
Found in newsletter: "Worth a million of next week's newsletter"

Eat a packet of crisps but don't swallow until
your mouth turns all 35grams into a delicious,
salty mouth-soup. Suck this backwards and
forwards between your teeth. Repeat with a
second bag of crisps.

Sinead O'Connor
Found in newsletter: "If we're 'all in this together' where's OUR coke and hookers? "

One-time singer and Pope-agitator Sinead
O'Connor is on Twitter and she's got a potty
mouth. Love her. Examples include:

* "I went to the doctor. Guess what he told me?
Guess what he told me? He said 'girl u better
stop sticking popular fruit + veg up ur gool.'

* "Can't believe oprah's twitter is listed as
similar to mine! She doesn't take it up the
shitter does she?"

* And reply to Emma Freud (the great
granddaughter of Sigmund let's not forget),
"@emmafreud it's all about lube though ladies.
Don't just let him in there un-prepared."

Mental pong
Found in newsletter: "If we're 'all in this together' where's OUR coke and hookers? "

Jasper Kingjay writes, "I do like Friday games
in the newsletter. I do. I really do. And I know
you are fond of classics. So here is Mental
Pong, made by a friend of mine. It's meant to
drive you mental. And trololol is in there.
Website is in Dutch, but you'll manage."

300 Lines
Found in newsletter: "The world's premiere Colonel Gadaffi fanzine"

A collaborative drawing app that shows the last
300 lines draw. @user24 writes, "I'm telling
you, once there are a few users on it, it goes
totally mental."

ALSO INTERESTING - but not something you can
play in your browser is the stabyourself guys
who are taking classic games and remixing them -
Tetris with real world physics and Mario with
Portal style shenanigans.

Found in newsletter: "Civil unrest quelled by Big Brother relaunch"

Deadpan descriptions of the type of shit you get
on TV's top clip show. Funnier than it should be:

* "Montage of skateboarding teens/men landing
groin first on banisters/bars/immovable hard
objects. Set to Avril Lavigne's sk8ter Boi"

* "Lady stands above steam drain. You think her
skirt will rise at any moment. It doesn't. Her
blouse rises."

* "Woman parading a large cake from kitchen to
table. She slips. She falls into cake. Everyone
laughs except her."

Wonder Putt
Found in newsletter: "Civil unrest quelled by Big Brother relaunch"

Crazy golf on cat LSD. Might kill your
afternoon, should your life be so empty you wish
to fill it with mindless distraction.

Found in newsletter: "Chilean miners bemoan one year since they had great anal sex!"

Great little retro platformer that has you
flipping gravity between ceiling and floor to
rescue your missing shipmates. Bleeptastic
soundtrack too. Yeah, this is just a 2-level
demo, but it's tough enough to occupy some idle

Save the world by typing fast

Neat little shoot-em-up typing game. Has explosions.

Booze Up
Found in newsletter: "The Saturday Guardian internet page - one day early"

A nice little platformer in the vein of
Jumpman. With a bit of a b3tan feel.

Some kind of puzzle game

Loads of boarders appeared to enjoy this and
voted it highly but we couldn't get the hang of
it. Maybe we're just shit:

Found in newsletter: "It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday. That'll be $2.99, please"

The inside scoop from the BBC's worst canteen -
wonder how long it'll take the Daily Mail to
write an article on @KillingStation with a bash
BBC slant?

HTML5 wonder thing
Found in newsletter: "It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday. That'll be $2.99, please"

Flash was the rock that early B3ta was built on.
Now it's as about as fashionable as an H &
Claire CD single. HTML5 is where it's at and,
gosh, can't it do wooshy things?

More wanking games
Found in newsletter: "Unlike Leicester, we have a zombie attack strategy"

Jamie writes, "Here's another addition to your
sexy games list. When I fancy knocking one out,
I sometimes play Babestation Deal or No Deal.
Tune into the first Babestation-type channel and
ask yourself 'Deal or No Deal?'. If you Deal,
you knock one out there and then. If you No
Deal, you go to the next channel and ask the
same question. If you get to the last station
without dealing, then you have to knock one out
to whoever's on that channel and there's no
going back, even if it's your mum."

* AND HERE COMES THE SCIENCE BIT - salvadorevincent
writes, "You might like to know that Buster
Hackney's take on the Friday Game in Newsletter
480, about going on an escalator and choosing
which person on the opposite escalator you'd
like to have sex with, but not being able to
change your mind once you've chosen (and thus
risking someone even hotter passing you by
later) is an example of what mathematicians call
Optimal Stopping. There is a formula for
maximising your chances of picking the best
person, assuming the people on the other
escalator are evenly spaced apart: wait until
you are 37% of the way along the escalator, then
choose the first person who is more attractive
than anyone you have seen so far. If you haven't
chosen anyone by the end, then you have to pick
the last person (even if this is the winner of a
Susan Boyle lookalike contest). Amazingly, you
then have a 37% chance of having imaginary sex
with the hottest person on the escalator."

More sexy games
Found in newsletter: "Post-rapture edition"

Buster Hackney writes, "My take on Friday Game
- Tube version. You ride the up escalator. As
you watch the other bodies riding down, you
have to pick the one you will have sex with.
You have to pick someone before the end of the
ride. Once you pick you can't change your mind.
If you made the right choice you win the game.
If you pass someone even hotter that makes you
shout, "Doh!" ... you lose."

Or if you don't want such muck, sinisterduck
suggests playing 'Ponycorns' with gfx and story
created by a five-year-old girl. Really. That's
what happens when your dad is a massive geek.

Sexy Gamble
Found in newsletter: "Pony's day trip ruined by rail staff"

Captain Plantagenet writes, "I liked your
suggested Friday Game of counting the number of
people you'd have sex with that you've seen
today, but can offer a variation that makes it
all the more challenging.

"Pick a spot where you can see people
approaching from a distance - a park bench, a
seat on the bus - you get the idea. As soon as
you see a person in the distance, decide whether
or not they'd be someone you'd bed. You then
have a wait of anticipation to see whether on
close inspection they're a vision of beauty, or
a 50-year-old cigarette-wielding grandmother of

Friday Games
Found in newsletter: "Ask Jeeves bemoans lack of Facebook smear"
Count the amount of people you've seen today who
you'd like to have sex with. We used to play
this as teenagers and would allow the inclusion
of TV shows, normally the cast of Neighbours not
including Helen Daniels, Mrs Mangel and Madge.

Found in newsletter: "This Newsletter subject line was our Second Preference"

We've bought one of those swanky iPad 2 things,
because although we can't afford to eat, we're
still addicted to the tech pouring out of China.
Anyway, massive thumbs up to the iPad
Garageband, with which we wrote 5 songs in one
day sitting in our pants on the bed. Also
horribly addicted to the Dice Wars / Risk game
Strategery. Seeing little board pieces when we
close our eyes addicted.

Royal Wedding Drinking Game
Found in newsletter: "Happy Birthday Andre Agassi!"

1. Don't watch the Royal Wedding
2. Get drunk

Pingy Penis Pencil Woo Woo Time
Found in newsletter: "Kate Middleton's Ultrasound Pictures Souvenir Edition."

Push a blunt end of a pencil into your
clothing-covered groin and see how far you can
ping it. We can manage just over a foot.

Space is Key - one-button flash game
Found in newsletter: "WEUNDERVALUEANYCAR.COM"

Loving this game where you just press Space to
play. Great music too.

Blind man's cuppa
Found in newsletter: "Going to war in the Middle-East, cause it went so well last time"

Close your eyes and attempt to make a cup of
tea. Points for not ending up in hospital.

Famous objects from classic movies
Found in newsletter: "Facebook has been blocked in Libya. Colonel Gaddafi likes this."

Ring. Bike with basket. Suitcase with glowing
stuff inside it. What movies are these?

This linky was everywhere this week, and was
created by designer Ji Lee from the Google
Creative Lab, who are "recruiting an army of
young creative and tech talent, training them
and sending them out into the industry to
conquer it from within." An extraordinary policy
that's a bit like the Borg.

 Find the star
Found in newsletter: "B3ta newsletter - the bits of the web that aren't Justin fucking Bieber"

Discovering stars need not be a TV shit-fest
like X factor. This week's game involves you
finding them in a series of clever puzzles, and
not a trace of Simon Cowell.

Space Cannibals
Found in newsletter: "Mubarak double quack double quack"

Space Cannibals is a game by @Matttound. Your
Ginger Furher helped out by writing a song you
only hear if you pass about 12 levels. Bet you
don't hear it! (that's a challenge btw.)

promoting our own work is a bit lame, here's
another game that impressed us this week. It's
a multiple choice video thing for you to work
out your "street age" - although everyone
playing it seems to come out aged 38 - it's a
very impressive, immersive and well acted bit
of work.

Online CPC emulator

Similar to the Jasper one for the ZX spectrum
that's been knocking around for years, you can
now play your favourite 464 games in your
browser. Well, worked for us in Safari and
massively failed in Chrome. Still, nice to look
at the porky pixel loading screens.

Webby style Advance Wars
Found in newsletter: "Implant jokes are the breast ones. But can go tits up."

Matt 'Grim...' Squirrel writes, "It does seem
terribly ungentlemanly for my first suggestion
for the newsletter to have been something I did
myself, but there you go. Basically, it's a copy
of everyone's favorite turn-based war game
Advance Wars on the DS, but on the Internet,
with cows. It's in beta at the moment (heh), but
it's perfectly playable and, if I do say so
myself, ace."

Tealy & Orangey
Found in newsletter: "Warning: may contain libel, or other blood products"

Freakyzoid writes, "I've been spending my
evenings recently working on a challenging
little flash puzzle platformer called Tealy &
Orangey that I thought your readers might like.
The idea is that you control two coloured orbs,
and have to get them both to the end zones. As
the levels progress various hazards are added,
and there are a few other twists. In total
there are 20 levels, and currently it seems to
take players around half an hour to forty-five
minutes to complete. It saves your progress
through levels as well - it's intended to be
one of those little lunch-break type
diversions, which I think might suit b3tans
pretty well."

This game is smart. Freakyzoid should make an
iPhone version and cash-in.

Tear-jerker game

There's some really interesting stuff going on
in the amateur game design world at the
moment, where gaming structures are being used
to express emotion rather than a pure game
experience. The effect is somewhere between
lonely, confessional indie rock and art films.

Simple shootout game
Found in newsletter: "[title]newsletter[/title]"

Chenobble writes, "Hold the mouse over the
chamber, wait for the countdown, then aim at
the opponent and shoot. Gory, simple but very
addictive. My score: 286" BTW: Why don't
Russian scientists wear Y-fronts? Because
Chenobble fallout.

Advanced Pigeon Simulator and Up/Down game
Found in newsletter: "We like N. Korea, and we like S. Korea. But which is better? Only one way to find out..."

>> Sky rats <<
Apparently this is a real game and there's
strategy and stuff, but we just liked flying
about and making 'coo coo' noises.

>> Fuck knows, mentalism <<
Catbrain writes, "Here's a top tip for you:
Creative b3tans: Don't bother contributing
anything you've actually spent time making
yourself for the newsletter.. chances are it
won't get shown, in favour of recycled links
from' www.boingboing.net' anyway. Me bitter? (Or
maybe my stuff's just shit.)" Hmm, well
digging through Catbrain's work there was some
ad that was okayish but not our bag. However,
we did like their suggestion of featuring this
game, that has a guest appearance of Weebl's
Amazing Horse if you play it long enough.

Apostrophe test
Found in newsletter: "Quitting the One show to be a full time sex pest"

OCD Grammar freaks! Make your less literate
friends feel like shit by scoring highly in
this quiz.

White Jigsaw
Found in newsletter: "B3ta applauds risky Robin Hood Airport viral marketing campaign"

Not some kind of KKK puzzle only playable by
our pale-faced brethren, but an addictive game
that gets bigger every time you complete a

Our oh-so-imaginatively-titled @twitter section
Found in newsletter: "Perhaps appropriately, there is no 'U' in 'Osborne'"

In case you haven't noticed already - child
antiques expert turned transsexual Little
Britain fan Lauren Harries is on twitter and
doesn't shy from speaking her mind. Favourite

* "Keith Allen, you are dead, and don't contact
* "ex bizarre reporter contacted me to say I
should tell the papers about me and russell
brand having sex nevr occurred to me"
* "Philip schofield has canvassed TV companies
to stop me working -thought I was going to show
my bits, hasn't got over the shock."

95 games all disguised as work
Found in newsletter: "Osbourne: Let them eat cake"

bobbycutters writes, "I've just started to work
my way through them but some of them are real
sweet, and all conveniently disguised as Word
docs so I suppose you could get away with it at
work. The highlights for me so far is No.22 -
Paintball - level three is a huge picture of a

Electric Box 2
Found in newsletter: "Claire Rayner; NOW WITH WINGS!"

Anthony Sennett writes, "I did what you said
and went on Kongregate. Here's the second
instalment of Electric Box." Shiiiiit, that's
our afternoon screwed then. Hope they don't do
an iPhone version or we'll really be fucked.

Flabby Physics
Found in newsletter: "DOUGH - YOUR COUNTRY KNEADS YOU"

Nicky Hewgill writes, "this should be a phone
app - top one-button game."

BTW: Mr_Chopper has also written in to
complain about our comment last week that we
weren't playing many flash games these days as
our casual gaming stuff had been taken over by
the iPhone. He's very, very angry about this:

"Well this is all very well and good, however
for the 6 of us who don't yet own Apple's
A-MAZE-ING "Lifestyle Choices are for Specky
Cocks Anyway" Fucking Machine why not take
things one step further?

"Why not just randomly click around on
YouTube, Vimeo or Dailymotion until you find
something funny? No doubt every man and his
cunt has already seen it, as it's already been
Tweeted half way to Shitzbekistan and back,
complete with fifteen thousand mash-ups and
meta-combinations of memes that don't even
exist yet. When you're done, have a go at
converting it to Cocoa Shunters iOS and make
sure we get hit up with 25% royalty fees -
it's our idea, after all."

We're sorry for being shit
Found in newsletter: "Kim unveils successor to stunned Mel"

Every so often people moan that there's no
Friday games anymore. Well, to be honest we're
not playing many web games at the moment,
instead it's just iPhone crap. Currently we're
so massively addicted to iPhone Scrabble that
when we just corrected a typo we heard an inner
voice say: "No. Leave it, it's worth more

So yeah - play iPhone Scrabble - or if you want
a multi-player version on a massive board try
"Words with Friends."

Or if you really, really want some flash
gaming, visit Kongregate and click on whatever
shit they're doing these days.

Real world break out
Found in newsletter: "Special Chris Moyles charity fundraiser edition"

Imagine you're trapped in a really dull office
and the only way you can skive is to play
crappy versions of Breakout that look like
Word from the mid-2000s. If this isn't your
life already then this game is a pretty
accurate simulation:

Introducing that cool new product... Twitter!
Found in newsletter: "Get your tax money back by robbing from a catholic collection plate"

There's been a long tradition of fake celeb
accounts for lols on Twitter - favourites
include @dianainheaven ("Just realised I've been
walking around all day with my left bollock
hanging out.") and @CherylKerl ("Yerz kna
listnin tuh Mawvin King's TUC speech haz made uz
reassess mei thorts on causes a wor bankin
crisis man pet an aall.")

Our new favourite is the shit Britpop-tastic
@reallybanderson and here are some of his recent

* Bumped into Loz from Kingmaker today. Says they
are re-uniting and he has changed his name to
"Lolz", to appeal to "the kids". Tragic.

* All Bran and Coco Pops in one bowl? Brett
Anderson knows the score.

* My next 25 new followers will receive a genuine
piece of Richard Oakes' BMX bike as a prize.
He'll probably be fine about it.

Vampire Kittens
Found in newsletter: "Naomi Campbell upset at gaining 3 stones overnight"

Your Ginger Fuhrer has organised one of those
flash game thingies for the E4 site - this time
designed by long time B3tan plasticmartians AKA

International Karate
Found in newsletter: "Making a pig's vagina of it"

Old nerds will be in rapture at this
pixel-perfect recreation of the Commodore 64
game International Karate. We managed to get
through the first few levels by kicking and
then gave up. Exactly as we played it 25 years

Twitter golf
Found in newsletter: "RIP Harold Shipman, you legend"

Guide your ball across the range by guessing
what words are popular on Twitter. Tip:
'iPhone' will get you a longer putt than

The IT Crowd Game

Our ginger Fuhrer and Matt Round have been hard
at work producing a game for Channel 4 to
promote the IT Crowd comedy show. May contain
references to Keyboard Cat:

BTW: orca_biscuits delightfully asks, "Where
the fuck was the Friday game, you ginger cunt?"
Sorry about that but if people don't send them
in then we don't run them, and we're too proud
simply to lift the current highest-rated game
from Kongregate.

Fold the world
Found in newsletter: "In the time it takes to read this, someone else will have become a 'social media expert'"

In the world of play-them-once-and-forget Flash
games the current thing is to make a platformer
and give it a gimmicky twist in the controls.
If you want to earn a few quid on Kontraband
you could do worse than spending a day
brainstorming such quirks.

Wikipedia game, anyone?

mcalidnb writes -

"It's like that thing that was mentioned in the
newsletter ages ago, where you pressed random
article and raced your mate to find a page
related to pornography. Except this gives you
the starting page, and the target page isn't
necessarily about pornography. Anyway, it's
good, play it."

Electric Box
Found in newsletter: "This week containing an ASCII pic of Mohammed"

We've lost our life to shitty iPhone games and
our current obsession is Electric Box - a
visually lacklustre take on the early 90s
classic The Impossible Machine. We're up to
about level 28 and we keep going for extra
shits as an excuse to play more. Linky goes to
flash version.

Plants Vs Zombies

Being bleeding edge technology nerds can
sometimes leave you behind the times. Case in
point - we were early adopters on the iPhone
but, because of network contract issues, we got
a cracked one off eBay. Great, but it meant
when Apple upgraded the OS it was tricky for us
to follow suit. So we were left with a phone
that would only load about 1 application in 20
and we gave up on the app store. To cut a dull
story short, we've fixed it and now gone iPhone
gaming mental, catching up on all the games
that people were praising in, ooh, 2008? And to
add our voice to the throngs - Plants Vs
Zombies is an addictive twist on the Tower
Defence genre that has wasted half our week
sitting on the bog shooting zombies. Linky goes
to flash version.

Hue shift
Found in newsletter: "A Good Day To Bury Bad News"

Our colour vision is a bit dodgy in the old red
/ green area and that means we never try very
hard on games that require careful observation
of hue. Basically we're saying this game is
racist and oppressing us. Thanks JamesG for
making us feel bad.

Mario r-r-r-r-remix - check it out
Found in newsletter: "B3ta refuses to apologise for calling all Daily Mail readers bigots"

Now you can play the original Super Mario Bros
game as Link from Zelda, Mega Man, and several
others we can't quite remember. Wish someone
would take this idea and let you play Manic
Miner with Rick Dangerous - ie. give old Miner
Willy a gun.

We've giving you two. Two. It rhymes with poo.
Found in newsletter: "We bet the tabloids are really hoping someone throws an egg at Nick Clegg."

* SYDNEY SHARK - "Best sequel ever to best game
ever" writes ToastMaster.

* MARIO GAME - "Runny jumpy collecty coiny
thing," writes moogthedog, "And every time he
does, he's joined by a friend. Bit weird, bit
mad, but fun - Some levels are more of a puzzle
than may be expected."

Oldie but goldie: Desktop Tower Defence
Found in newsletter: "Chiropractors are bogus spine wizards, sue us if you dare"

Due to some recent client work we had to get
our heads round a pitch that included the
phrase "Desktop Tower Defence meets..." and
although we'd played it a little bit when it
came out, we thought it was time to really get
to grips with it. Oh my fucking God - been so
addicted this week that we're seeing little
moving arrows with life bars when we close our
eyes. If you've avoided this addiction then be
warned, don't start now.

Gosh the internet is fast

A few days back Xkcd ran a comic about a
hellish version of tetris where the objects
don't fall straight:

A few days later it exists - completely
unplayable of course.

BTW: When we're dead we're leaving crap things
in our will to famous people just to irritate
and puzzle them. Like a hoover to Paul

Run, Jesus RUN!
Found in newsletter: "I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, 'Wait a minute...'"

Bored of playing God? Then welcome to the first
Jesus simulator - run to the right, hitting
space to jump or work miracles as you go. If
you reach the end without the 10 second timer
running out, it shows your score as apostles.
Then you get crucified.

Time Snail!
Found in newsletter: "May contain jokes about the Budget, by people who don't know economics"

Impress your pub chums with snail facts:

* A snail's anus is situated above its head and
it can literally shit on its own neck

* The snail has a "everted penis" which means
it's inside out and you shouldn't google for
pics as it made us feel a little sick

* Snails are completely deaf so don't mind if
you call them a "spazzy, one-footed cunt minge"

Or play this amazing Time Snail game:

Double dildo gaming trouble
Found in newsletter: "Make $$$s fast - hold down shift+4"

* PIXEL BREAKOUT - Imagine if each Breakout
brick was a pixel instead of a block? That
would take ages - thankfully this gag changes
somewhat after a few moments.

* ROBOT WANT KITTY - Fun metroidvania-style
game, perfect for a lazy Sunday morning.

Sushi Cat
Found in newsletter: "If you are having difficulty viewing this newsletter, view it online here: http://tiny.cc/BY2YP"

Cute, silly game where your aim is to drop the
pleasingly squishy main character until there's
no more sushi left for him to eat.

>> BONUS: Super-annoying wordy game <<
"Two and a bit years ago you guys featured my
SUPER LETTER GAME," boasts Catfurnace. "I've
finally got off my arse and made a follow up -
the even more annoying WORD SHOOT. It'd be
awesome to be featured again, especially as I'm
job hunting."
' http://www.lawriecape.co.uk/wordshoot/'

Robot Unicorn Attack
Found in newsletter: "And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it. "

In what our own boarders are calling, "Probably
the most lol-gay game in the world" comes your
chance to live the unicorn dream. BTW: For a
while we thought the music was Never Ending
Story by Limahl but eventually we twigged is
was Erasure.

Found in newsletter: "That's right - another week has flown by and you've achieved NOTHING"

"A silly but fun cycling game", writes
@edwardrussia, "I played it all week." And if
you like games with unlockable achievements
then gosh, is this the one for you.

One Button Bob

Bob's a simple chap - you complete the game
using only the left mouse button. Fighting the
boss gets a little tricky though.

Game using just the scroll wheel
Found in newsletter: "Crashing into your inbox like a faulty Toyota"

We once had an idea about making a game with a
scroll wheel - you'd rub it and it would
simulate female masturbation. We even tried to
pitch it once but there were no buyers for that
one. Anyway - here's a much more tasteful take
on that up-and-down rolling motion.

Endless Migration

You are a goose. You are a goose and you must
fly south, collecting as many mates as you can.
Too be honest, we didn't last too long before
flying into a jet engine. Like a dream we once

First-person Tetris
Found in newsletter: "I put my head on the floor and then tumble forwards. That's how I roll"

Tetris is all about rotation - so imagine if
instead of the block rotating, the whole game
rotates. You'll play this for 1 minute going,
"omg mental!" and then get bored. This is what
we promise.

Work and basketball
Found in newsletter: "I'M WEARING A BLUE BRA LOL"

>> Every Day the Same Dream <<
Mellow, atmospheric soundtrack on this
minimalist game, where you play a faceless
office drone looking to escape from his humdrum
routine. Like a tiny, bleaker version of
Groundhog Day.

>> Addictive basketball <<
Simple basketball simulator, with an online
competition element. Try to score as many goals
as you can. Or whatever it is you do in

The Alien at the Bottom of the Garden
Found in newsletter: "RIP Teletext. You were like the internet if it was bought from a pound shop."

Your Ginger Fuhrer writes - "We were asked to
make a game for kids, to encourage them to eat
better and take exercise. As all my instincts
are to take the piss, it was a surprising
commission, so I got in Matt Round and we
worked ever so hard to make something that
doesn't have a mocking bone in its body."

BTW: If you want a game more suitable for
adults why not try Blosics - a 'destroy
buildings with physics' type thingie -
strangely satisfying.

Obey the game!
Found in newsletter: "I'm Josef Fritzl and no windows was my idea."

"There's not enough Friday Games!", writes
Jasper Kingjay, "Now I get bored on Fridays. So
here's one. Obey the Game. You can actually get
quite far by doing nothing, how cool is that?"

Small Worlds
Found in newsletter: "u should make all the links in the 404 newsletter go to 404 pages. lol"

"Sea Dave has made this wonderful, melancholic
pixely game about exploring," boasts
stallion_explosion. "It won the cgdc6
competition, which means Sea Dave is the most
awesome person on the planet." The aim of the
game is simply to look everywhere until you
find the exit to the next level.

Tetris stickman
Found in newsletter: "We posted this newsletter three weeks ago! Bloody Royal Mail."

Neat little game remix idea - you play a ninja
who has to avoid the falling Tetris blocks.

Found in newsletter: "Jeffrey Dahmer just wanted to know what a baboon might taste like."

A fun little puzzle game based on the science
fiction staple: suck the alien out of the
airlock while keeping your guys inside.
Basically, Alien the 8-bit puzzle game.

Miami Shark

You play a shark - the aim of the game is to
dive deep, then rise to the surface to smash
boats, kill people and snatch helicopters out
of the sky with your massive, razor-sharp jaws.
It's amazing how perfectly the shark has
evolved to fill this particularly specialised
ecological niche.

Reducing games down to one click
Found in newsletter: "No + Rohypnol = Yes"

Occasionally we lay back and fantasise about
being extremely rich - we recently met some guy
who reckons a mate of his earned £0.5m via
flogging an iPhone game. Now, having an iPhone
our main problem with using them as gaming
devices is the interface - controlling a little
character going left/right/up/down etc via
tapping the screen is unsatisfactory, so we
reckon the secret is reducing gameplay down to
one click. We also reckon these people - if
they release an iPhone conversion - are about
to become very rich indeed.

This is only one level
Found in newsletter: "A G N B. That's bang out of order."

Sneaky little flash game by the same chap who
did the "Achievement Unlocked" game that we
featured a few months ago.

I Say Potato, You Say Porn-star
Found in newsletter: "Read it here, or see it in The Sun with the tags cropped off"

Back in the dim distant past we used to run
either/or quizzes. The idea was to find things
that looked similar - say some pubes / beards
and then think of an awful name, say Tash or
Gash and job's a good 'un. This quiz is simply

Name that Copyright Free Tune
Found in newsletter: "Who else's heart skips a beat when your girlfriend asks to use your PC?"

This is the last of the 7 games in our series -
"pimp b3tards to E4 so they can afford to buy
food." Produced by... well we'd like to name
this chap but he actually refuses to allow us
to use his name and wants to be credited as NTC
Inc. We like this one a lot actually, as it has
fun with the problem of doing a "name that
tune" style thing but having to keep it all
legal by using rubbish old tunes.

Ready Steady Microwave
Found in newsletter: "We like to scare deaf people by yawning"

The latest in our elite stream of games made by
b3tans for e4. Monkeon challenges you to guess
what kind of ready-meal you're looking at, from
a close-up of the actual package contents.
Gruesome but fun.

Found in newsletter: "Was Jacko murdered? And more importantly, why didnt we think of it first?"

Can you match the tagline to the film? Your
Ginger Fuhrer and Question of the Week bloke,
Chthonicionic have made a quiz.

Janey Thompson's Marathon
Found in newsletter: "You know it's a good poo when you come back and your screensaver's on."

Continuing our gamekeeper-turned-poacher
shenanigans, we've pimped another B3tan to E4
to make a flash game. Matt Round is a fucking
genius and we hope he sticks that on his CV.
His real-time all 26-mile marathon simulator is
a tour-de-force in retro gfx design. Even down
to the scanlines. C'mon! That's attention to

Captcha Invaders
Found in newsletter: "FARRAH WHO?"

You know those useless series of letters you
have to type to convince websites that you're
human? What if that was turned into a game?
Another lovely thing produced by E4 asking your
Ginger Fuhrer to get the b3tans to make games
for them. Thank Matt Round for this one - he
really is a spiffing chap.

Do Yo Knowz Yo Showz?
Found in newsletter: "Wind turbines. We're big fans"

We've been working tirelessly behind the scenes
getting B3tans to make games for the E4 website
- the latest is NTC Inc's unique take on
internet quizzes.

Herding kittens
Found in newsletter: "Appeal: Just £1 can buy another tripwire for Thatcher's house"

E4 has asked your Ginger Fuhrer to round up a
few B3tards to make some games - first off we
have Matt Round who brings you the 'Rather
Difficult game' where you have to nail jelly to
a wall, herd kittens and get toothpaste back
into the tube.

Today I Die
Found in newsletter: "IT'S FRIDAY! GO HOME!"

Strange, poetic game from Daniel Benmergui,
whose previous title "I Wish I Were the Moon"
caused much blinking from people who dismiss
flash gaming as a load of crap. His latest
work, "Today I Die" won't win awards for the
longest game in the world, and starting will
make you scratch your head, but once you suss
the dragging words about you'll be charmed.

Found in newsletter: "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT"

Reductionism is a great way to bring a new
twist to an old idea. Traditional platform
games require you to move about and jump to
avoid the obstacles, but in Rotatspin, the
moving is done for you and you just need to
time when to jump. Brilliant.

Find the Key

We used to drive our old flatmates insane by
constantly losing our keys and being locked
out, until one day, they bought us a chain and
said, "tie the fucking things to your belt and
stop waking us up at 3 in the morning." Maybe
you'll have more luck finding your keys in this
rather good game. Shame about the irritating
pre-roll ads.

Widescreen Tetris
Found in newsletter: "We'll never forget you Jane"

Things that have no need to be wider:

* Our fat internet bums
* Ladies' vagina bits
* And, of course, Tetris

Ultimate Crab Battle
Found in newsletter: "B3ta to make 300 boarders redundant"

Jimkopelli shouts, "You lot have been slacking
off and not putting games in your newsletters
for a while - here, have one that skips all the
tedious levelling up and collecting items and
goes straight to the boss battle. It's as
absurd as Burn The Rope while also being on a
laser shark that poops torpedoes." This is win.

Don't Poo Your Pants
Found in newsletter: "A lump in your inbox that should have been looked at sooner"

"I found this awesome game recently," shouts
Jody, "Simple narrative and very few options,
but enough scope (using achievements) for
players to replay several times. The
illustrations make it more interesting too."

Because we can read Wikipedia too
Found in newsletter: "To unsubscribe from this newsletter please send £50 by PayPal"

* BUFFY FANS should check the torrents tonight
as Joss Whedon's new show Dollhouse is debuting
its pilot episode. Might be shit, who knows,
but we'll be watching.

* BLACK SABBATH released their debut album 29
years ago today. We still haven't listened to
it. Maybe next year.

* FORGOT to organise a timely Black Mass to
raise the Goat of Mendes? Don't worry, there's
another Friday the 13th following directly in

Shopping Cart Hero
Found in newsletter: "To unsubscribe from this newsletter please send £50 by PayPal"

Before internet shopping, students used to
steal supermarkets shopping trolleys and use
them as gokarts. Relive the 90s now, lest we
should forget.

Perfect Balance

"Get The Balance Right" sang Depeche Mode,
possibly in a spooky premonition of this quirky
little web game. Still, it beats OD'ing on
heroin and cocaine speedballs and dying twice.
Yes Dave Gahan, we mean you. BTW: Dave's
parents worked on the buses; his dad drove
whilst his mother was a clippy.

Bastard Tetris
Found in newsletter: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit packing water wings"

"It's just Tetris yes," says
VampireMonkeyOnSpeed, "But unlike normal
Tetris, it looks at the board, decides what
piece would be most useful and then makes sure
you don't get it. Bastard. I managed to get
one line."

I made this. You play this. We are enemies.
Found in newsletter: "If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?"

In a title weirdly reminiscent of the Manic
Street Preachers, "This is my truth, tell me
yours" comes a game that makes less sense than
your Ginger Fuhrer after a night on the
heroins. And much like opiates, it is good, oh
so good.

Energy bouncing
Found in newsletter: "Burn calories - set a fatty on fire"

Our abilities to describe flash games decrease
as the years go by. Um, there's this whitish
stuff that's a bit like water, and you position
some thingies to make it bounce to the end bit.
You'll like it.

Mental cooking thing

"PETA have apparently lost their minds and made
a parody of a game called Cooking Mama for the
DS.", writes n.d.turton, "They were upset with
the fact that it features too much meat, so
they made an ironic version which called
'Cooking Mama: Mama Kills Animals'. I think
they intended it to be shocking, but it's
actually rather cool and I imagine much better
than the original."

BTW: We've stuck up an archive of all the old
Friday Games. Thanks Cr3 for coding that for
us. Woo hoo.

Caption the photo
Found in newsletter: "How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?"

Think you're funny? The challenge is to write a
lol-worthy caption for a random photo in under
a minute, and beat the other players in the
round. We absolutely loved playing this and
this week we've found ourselves coming back
time and time again.

Stock market game
Found in newsletter: "Hitting your inbox for merely a second before being forwarded to Ofcom"

Best idea we've seen for a while - takes
snapshots of real sharetrading prices from
history and you click buy or sell. That we lost
$70k in 5 minutes suggest that we're best
staying well away from the real thing. Genius

Short-term memory
Found in newsletter: "Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand placed on Sachs offenders register"

Heathens who believe in 'science' rather than
God reckon that your short-term memory can only
store 7 items before its DNA devolves into
monkeys. Prove them wrong with this memorable

Blocks with Letters On
Found in newsletter: "Spinning Oriental people round and making them disorientated"

Dull name, great game. Push the blocks round a
maze until you get them to spell a word. The
animations when you complete a level are funny

The eyeballing game
Found in newsletter: "Investing in sperm banks three times a day"

Think you're a man? Think you know a right
angle when you see one? Put your geek skills to
the test in this acute challenge of obtuse

The return of...
Found in newsletter: "Tony Hart can't masturbate no more *cries*"

"Why no weekly game for the last few weeks?"
implores stripeertw. "I live for the weekly
game. Please don't expect me to get through my
week to finally arrive at a Friday, getting
home to find my weekly game fix is just not
there." Thank goodness that this week Niklas
has sent us something nice. Swing the wrecking
ball to fend off hostile blue squares. Fucking
blue squares. Always looking to start
something, aren't they?

Word fragments game
Found in newsletter: "Armless man enters wanking competition and comes last"

You have to reassemble a list of words that
have been split in half. A lot harder than it
sounds. Should comfortable kill a couple of

Oh fuck, we didn't back up

Continuation of our E4 "build a game" project,
and being complete idiots we've ballsed it all
up with a hard disk crash. All the data is

Thankfully E4 are being nice about it, and
promise not to set fire to our house if we
give their compo a few more plugs. OK - here
we go. Listen up kids! Make a flash game -
there's £5k on the table and your Ginger
Fuhrer is one of the judges.

But on a more playful note - this game, sent
in by Rhodri, is excellent. He writes, "I
can't stop. It's killing me."

E4 Game thingie
Found in newsletter: "Julie Moult is an Idiot"

Please make puzzles! We've connected an early
version of our cat-killing, flame-dodging
Sokoban game Psycho Fireman to a wiki to allow
you to create your own levels - we'd love you
to join in. JOIN US.

Spin the 3D Objects
Found in newsletter: "Another shit joke about cancer? Oh goody!"

Here's a novel idea: rotate the object to find
the correct viewing angle to reveal the 2D
shape. It's all about perspective innit?

>> Win £5k for creating a flash game <<
Our tutorial stuff continues with "how to cheat
at graphics" where we reveal the secrets of the
Illuminati. Remember - it's a BIG FUCKING
PRIZE. Well £5k is better than jack-shit anyway.

Friday Games
Found in newsletter: "What's the name of the condition that killed off..."
Write a flash game and win £5k

The competition at E4 continues, and your
newsletter team are in week 3 of writing their
game. We're doing this to encourage YOU to
enter, if that's not clear enough!

Looking for an actual game rather than our sexy
blitherings? Then try this - it's mental.

Most common words
Found in newsletter: "If you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God we only drink every night"

Can you guess what are the 50 most-used words
in the English language? Sadly 'lol' and 'teh'
aren't there.
http://snurl.com/commonwords' [codebox_no-ip_net]

Continuing our game diary for E4, this week
there's about 4 pages of it as we horrifically

E4 flash game compo
Found in newsletter: "90% of dogs in Korea are inbred. Like in a sandwich or something"

We're helping the E4 site run a flash games
competition. The prize? £5k. Our bit? We're
making a game and a diary of our progress, read
the first bit here. And feel free to either
enter the challenge with your own game or help
us make ours. Read on, gentle readers, read on.

Heath Robinson game
Found in newsletter: "...CHIPS IT IS THEN, say Portuguese Police"

Our favourite-ever PC game was The Incredible
Machine, so quite why we didn't linky this last
week is anyone's guess, as it was all over the
interwebs and some of you wrote in to complain
about its absence. Haven't you got anything
better to do? Like eat cake?

Found in newsletter: "The internet equivalent of a bulimic's index finger"

Add fluid to the ominous, green droplets,
hopefully bursting them and clearing the screen
with ricocheting goo. BTW: Got to wonder about
the name splashback - surely that's slang for
when you piss in an urinal and it splashes your
leg. Yum.

Found in newsletter: "Helping fatties get fatter since 2001"

You play Jim Morrison, looking for lizards in
the desert. When you die, you get to play it
again as Val Kilmer - and then as Ian Astbury.
Sadly we're telling porkies, but still, this is
a good game.

Found in newsletter: "Guest-Written by Dr Raj Persaud"

We've always theorised that Marry Poppins
powered her upwards flight by guffing under her
starchy skirts, but it never occurred to us that
this would be a great idea for a game. Fools
that we are. BTW: Press the up key twice,
you'll get the hang of it.

Doodle Defender
Found in newsletter: "Panic buy petrol - it's about to run out!"

Arcade classic with a twist - you get to design
what the ships look like. Yes, ours was a
shoot-out between crudely-drawn cocks. You
perhaps were expecting us to say that.

Two games? Ambassador, you're spoiling us!
Found in newsletter: "Knifeus Expeliarmus"

>> Spelling race <<
Intended for kids but wasted on them. Spell
words correctly and race live online against
other webmongs. We're not 100% convinced it has
the right spelling for everything but maybe
that's a reflection on us rather than the game.

>> The Debut Album Game <<
A random wikipedia article for your band name,
a random quote for your title and a random
flickr pic for the album cover. Surprisingly
compelling way to pass the time, particularly
if you fancy yourself as something of a graphic

Spot the difference
Found in newsletter: "Dandruff: The poor man's parmesan"

Readers of rubbish celebrity mags will be
familiar with seeing two pics side by side with
minor differences - a third nipple on Kelly
Brook or a cock on Jordan. This works on the
same principle, but has a curiously mellow vibe.

Human brain cloud
Found in newsletter: "Did everyone in China jump up and down at the same time?"

Type the first word or phrase that comes to
mind to contribute to huge word association
clouds. Score points by guessing the same as
many people have before. Or simply sit, typing
random words for hours with no clear idea why,
as the effect is kind of hypnotic.

Found in newsletter: "I for one welcome our new bumbling idiot overlord"

Cute, retro-style running game - keep your tiny
dinosaur ahead of the pyroclastic wall of
death, else you'll go extinct! Extremely quick
and gets very tense when you're just one step
ahead of fiery doom.

Perfect Pitch Game
Found in newsletter: "The Sound of Music 2: The Von Trapped family"

Being crap musicians we've delighted in playing
this 'can you guess the note' game, and we've
concluded that we haven't got perfect pitch
(far from it), but our relative pitch is fine.

Burn the rope
Found in newsletter: "Welcoming the paedos that Facebook bans"

"Have you received about 5000 emails about this
yet?" asks tismselfstorage, "You should have.
It's the best game ever." Heh, he has a point,
we enjoyed it muchly and wonder if it's making
not-so-subtle reference to Portal.

What's your porn score?
Found in newsletter: "Not the only hour you'll lose this weekend"

Bored out of our tiny minds whilst filling in a
tax return we invented a game: type 'tits' into
a google image search and see how many pages
you have to go before you can name an actress.
The lower the score, the hairier your palms.
BTW: Our score was 9, which surprised us

Pattern matching
Found in newsletter: "We shagged Paul McCartney and all we got was this lousy newsletter"

"Here's a painfully addictive game for you to
subject your readers to," informs heilbush,
"It's another Tetris clone, with a few
interesting concepts thrown in." The Official
B3ta Wife approves of this game and it sent her
into an OCD spin of muttering numbers under her
breath. It was like watching Rainman with

Ball thingie

In what is probably our favourite flash game
since Kebabtris, comes 'Filler' which defies
description but if it was available on our
mobile phone we'd never get off the bus.

Hooray! and Boo! game
Found in newsletter: "Pig meat - it's snorty but nice"

'When me and my mates were kids, we used to
play the "HOOORAY! and BOO!" game,' roars
fazza99, 'The rules are pretty simple: Someone
suggests something that makes everyone go
"HOOORAY!" and someone else has to come up with
a answer that makes people go "BOO!" e.g. "My
folks are going away for a week (HOORAY!) My
baby-sitter's Gary Glitter (BOO!)"'

Or if you fancy your Friday gaming treats to be
new school, then we've been enjoying this. It's
on the web and everything. Woo hoo!

Spinning spike maze
Found in newsletter: "In a moment of madness I took sexual advantage of this newsletter but I didn't kill it."

Simple but infuriatingly tough, in the way we
like these things here: rotate the maze to
guide a little ball to the exit. We liked the
soundtrack too - full of the pathos inherent in
being a tiny, spinning ball trapped in a black
iron maze of doom. The first proper level after
the tutorials end made us laugh with its crazy

White Dwarf
Found in newsletter: "Showcasing the awesome power of boredom"

Simple, addictive; collect the green balls then
touch a blue ball to bank your points. Avoid
the red balls. Red balls are death! Got it?
Great. It's slightly trickier than it looks.
Nothing particularly whitey or dwarfey about it
though, which was a very mild disappointment.

Time-travelling cursors
Found in newsletter: "Wanted: New Presenter for Children's TV Series. Must like getting hands dirty"

This game records your cursor movements as you
run through a maze and you wind up
collaborating with past versions of yourself
in order to get past obstacles. A bit tricky
at first but what a clever idea!

Don't let go! returns!
Found in newsletter: "Happy Easter!"

A b3ta favourite from some time ago, AKX has
revamped his internet version of 'Touch the
truck' for a new generation of powerful

Film Sequels
Found in newsletter: "It's a party in your mouth and everyone is coming"

Bored in a DVD store? Your newsletter team
recently visited what was once Virgin in
Camden and spent a happy half hour looking at
all the boxes and thinking of rubbish sequels

* President Kong - he's in The White House and
going APE!

* Two Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - When love
meets it's mad!

* And finally, read this as you might imagine
someone pitching an idea to a Hollywood agent
over lunch, "Danny Devito, Arnold
Schwarzenegger and.... Samuel L. Jackson
in.... TRIPLETS!"

See, it's never dull when the newsletter team
go DVD shopping.

Found in newsletter: "A not-for-prophet publication"

If this game was available for our phone, we'd
never get off the Tube. To play it is to be

This Week:
Found in newsletter: "the Karma Sutra for the single man"
* VIDEO - Elephant darts
* QUESTION - B3ta goes Daily Mail
* COMPO - 'shop a Transformer and win a Macbook

Blocked out!
Found in newsletter: "The Favourite Read of the Tapas Bar Nine"

50 levels of red-hot gaming action, provided
your definition of 'red-hot' tallies with ours.
Move the brown block to the end of the maze,
with rebounds from the side walls being your
only means of manoeuvring. A low-key puzzler
that gets quite challenging as you ratchet up
the levels.

Super-fun wordy double bill!
Found in newsletter: "Swirly Face Man's Favourite Links"

>> Word web <<
Word association game. Fill up the whole
network by guessing the connections between
words. We're not sure we really got the trick
of it, but it certainly kept us entertained for
a number of minutes.

>> What's the definition? <<
You're presented with a word and four choices
of possible meaning. Simple enough. The twist?
They're donating rice to hungry people for
every answer you get right. Actually, one of
these where they send increasing amounts of
pizza round our house would be quite nice.

Found in newsletter: "Arthur Scargill: a biography of a miner celebrity (And still only 55p!)"

Just how does Ferry Halim do it? How does he
make things of such glowing beauty just from
globbing a few clumps of Flash together? Here,
you play a snowy bunny, hopping along a trail
of silver bells high into the crystal-clear
winter sky. Only 80 wanking days to jizzmass

Found in newsletter: "It's not gay unless you get hard too"

MISSION OBJECTIVE: You are a god-like
mouse-pointer whose one goal in life is to
make balls go into buckets. Using only your
power to arrange the angle of the shelves you
see before you, can you fulfil your life's

Found in newsletter: "Celebrating 20 years of Bad AIDS"

Simple but engaging idea here: a version of
Pacman where you play the ghosts. In lieu of
anything better to say, the best ever Pacman
joke is "If Pacman had affected us as kids,
we'd all be running around in dark rooms,
munching pills and listening to repetitive
electronic music." Whereas the second-best is
a pie-chart bisected to look exactly like our
yellow friend with the legend 'Percentage of
chart which resembles Pacman.'

Shooty Physics Madness
Found in newsletter: "As used for 'Research' by Chris Langham"

Bored pushing biros into your genitals to make
them fire off in some kind of bic shooting
cockapault? Then you need to play this rather
absorbing little gamette.

Tetris - drag'n'drop
Found in newsletter: "WE AR IN UR BBC RIGGNG UR COMPOS"

The interface innovations of the early 90s have
finally been brought to everyone's favourite
pentomino-based gaming-heroin. Kinda fun in a
'Windows 3.1 on your Gameboy' sorta way.

Bloxxors Roxxors
Found in newsletter: "Welcome to Sheffield, twinned with Atlantis"

Loving this 'can you roll the block into the
hole' game, great idea and lovely execution.
BTW: Nintendo, if you're listening, why not
great a "best 50 games from the web" package
for the DS, and include most of the stuff we've
linked in this section for the last few years.
We'd buy it anyway.

Flute hero!
Found in newsletter: "Urban Turban Ban Banter"

You know those Playstation games where get to
live our your dreams of widdling a sonic-axe
like Eddie Van Halen? Hats off to the genius
who thought it would be a good idea to apply
the format to playing the bloody flute. BTW: We
just considered using the word flautist and
found this amusing note from Wikipedia, 'James
Galway summed up the way many players of the
flute feel about "flautist", saying, "I am a
flute player, not a flautist. I don't have a
flaut, and I've never flauted."'

Release! Cat with Bow Golf!
Found in newsletter: "How to tell where your cat has been by smelling its breath."

Vague descriptions of link. Obscure reference
to childhood experience. Weak joke about penis.
Finish with, "we scored three, maybe you can do

Invisible Cursor
Found in newsletter: "It's the tenants Fred West rejects that makes Fred West the best"

There's something incredibly disconcerting
about having your mouse pointer suddenly made
invisible - it's like your hand going to sleep
and unexpectedly poking you in the eye. This
clay pigeon shoot-style game gives you a couple
of free shots and then rapidly becomes a hectic
test of spatial awareness as the cursor

Merge the ladybirds
Found in newsletter: "Cut out my eyes, I've bought a guide dog!"

Perhaps the most peculiar games concept we've
featured here. Stop the ladybirds from falling
off the stump. Try to merge them into one.

Guess my age
Found in newsletter: "Teh Times Litterarry Supplement"

Continuing the techniques of hotornot,
rapemykitten and famousr, we've been enjoying
this 'guess the age' game. Being clever sods,
we're very good at it.

Clicky round thing
Found in newsletter: "See You Later Masturbator - In A While Paedophile"

In a parallel universe Underworld are currently
singing, "clicky clicky round thing, clicky
clicky round thing", as we've entitled this
rather woosome little challenge. It's a
frustrating little fucker.

This Week:
Found in newsletter: "If she tells you her age and uses a fraction. She's too young."
* HEROIN - Cook-up some pancakes
* INTERVIEW - Adam Buxton
* MINCE - Now an alphabet

The Ultimate Quiz
Found in newsletter: "Our inner paedophile fucking your inner child"

Mammoth Flash-based quiz testing your ability
to think laterally or, in some cases, just
exactly like the guy who built the thing.
Despite the somewhat randomly unjust nature of
some of the answers, this kept us happily
bashing away for longer than just about
anything else in the newsletter this week.

Five Minutes to kill yourself
Found in newsletter: "The best of Nuts"

Looks like this is to promote some TV station,
but sod it, the premise is great and the
execution top-notch. Worth five mins of your

Binary Game
Found in newsletter: "Get your cock out, it's Friday"

Girls! Unlike the sponsored link for Nivea butt
cream, this link isn't for you. It's for boys,
very geeky boys who like nerding out on binary.
We found it quite satisfying as it made us feel

Found in newsletter: "Red Nose Day - illegal??""

Ah, a classic blast from the ancient past.
Nothing really innovative here, but the simple,
clean execution kept us playing for a good
twenty minutes.

Sticky game
Found in newsletter: "Drilled beefs!"

"A game from the same guy who did 'Double
Wires' that you featured not too long ago,"
mouths smirt362, "There is a structure and at
the top of the structure is a star. The goal
is to remove as many sticks as possible from
the structure before it collapses and the star
falls below the line." Get it? Good.

This Week:
Found in newsletter: "Not free as in beer, free as in AIDS"
* STUFF - Possibly about kittens
* NONSENSE - Some references to wanking
* BOLLOCKS - Yep, it's the B3ta newsletter

Pong / Balance game
Found in newsletter: "Leaves your breath, Nescafe fresh"

Fiendishly tricky and yet so basic you kick
yourself when you fail at it, this is classic
Friday Game territory. The idea is to keep
both balls in the air for as long as possible
- when they fall you get a sarcastic little
French comment about your level of
intelligence. Trivia fact: Babelfish gives
'shitting' as the translation of 'chiant'.

Warioware game-a-like
Found in newsletter: "Download our Sick Joke Book for Free. Yes, free. THANKS B3TA"

"I've found a very entertaining little thing,"
confides Yeknom, "it would make a lovely
Friday game." Indeed it does, and we're
looking forward to the Wii versions of similar
ideas too.

Rube Goldburger machine
Found in newsletter: "Why has Shilpa not apologised for 9/11?"

Arrange the pieces of this convoluted machine
so that it delivers a nice burger and shake
for your dinner. Just tough enough to be a bit
of a challenge and very pleasing when you
finally get it right.

Nintendo advent calendar
Found in newsletter: "Your 'Trampvent' calendar"

Unlike most online advent calendars, which are
shit, this one offers you something good -
almost as good as the actual chocolate you get
with a real one. The game is, basically, Mario
as a snowman - but that's no bad thing at all.

Human Cannonball game
Found in newsletter: "Heil Honey, I'm Home"

Can you fire the little man onto the safe
trampoline without killing him? So good, we
didn't even notice that it's a promo for some
mints until the official B3ta wife pointed it
out. Gah, fuck it. Who cares, as long as it's

Tricky, trickzy game
Found in newsletter: "A load of toss-bollocks for you to stick in your browser-cunts"

"This link asks 'are you smart?'", mews
Monkeycat, "Well, it appears I'm not as my
record score is 20.101 seconds." A devilishly
difficult multitasking game, can you beat

Pixel Blaster
Found in newsletter: "Buy our book, else we'll shit through your letterbox"

"Maybe you guys will enjoy," speculates Tom
Thornton, "my latest game creation." Woo, kept
us busy for a few mins.

Infuriating memory game
Found in newsletter: "Don't google for meatotomy"

We like simple games and they don't come much
simpler than this. Shapes are added one at a
time and you have to click on the newbie.
Actually, the simplicity is what makes it
infuriating - the higher it gets, the more
reluctant you get to make an embarrassingly
easy mistake.

Drag the dot to the square
Found in newsletter: "Your weekly barrage of filth"

Can you drag the dot through an increasingly
complex maze of moving shapes? We can't, but
then we're completely shit at computer games.
BTW: This is loads better than it sounds.
Trust us.

Geography test
Found in newsletter: "Stinky linky from our pinky winky"

Think you know where your countries are? This
Google Maps hack is testing to the point of
making us feel stupid.
' http://www.mindpicnic.com/maps-quiz/'

Game for mentalists
Found in newsletter: "If we had a spoon for every reader, we'd live like a spoon king"

It's Dance Dance Revolution meets Tempests and
it's so fast as to completely do our heads in.

Memory thingie
Found in newsletter: "Horrid links, torrid tales, florid prose"

Can you remember all the spots? We couldn't
because we're thick and dribble quite a lot.

Dragon's Lair made by cheese-tards
Found in newsletter: "Making Paul Daniels paranoid, every Friday, for five years"

Old cunts will remember Dragon's Lair from the
Arcades in the 80s. It featured 'real cartoon
graphics' via a 'laserdisk'. The downside
being that the gameplay was crap. Our man here
has remade the experience, but with really
perfunctory visuals and somehow, it's utterly
great. Or so annoyingly tricky that we started
giggling anyway.

Google game
Found in newsletter: "8===W=) is ASCII for wanking"

Can you guess the search phrase from the page
of results returned by Google? Kept us busy for
10 minutes anyway.

Two for the price of zero. We spoil you
Found in newsletter: "This subject line has absolutely nothing to do with the content"

>> Wanker <<
Keep pumping up a succession of slowly-diminishing
rods or else you die. A challenging wank-action
based game. The tagline, "Flex like a whore,
fall wanking to the floor."

>> Four second fury! <<
Not just one game this, but a whole herd of
incredibly simple games. The twist is you have
just four seconds to complete each one. Intense!

Ice-wall smashing game
Found in newsletter: "lots and lots of stuff that you'll want to click on and it's very good"

This week's intensely irritating game sees you
running face-first at barriers of ice blocks.
Time your punches badly and you smash your head
in. Tricky, but the little 'success' animation
keeps you wanting to carry on playing.

Found in newsletter: What's orange and looks good on a hippy?

Arrange the lines so that none of the vertices
overlap. Simple for the first couple of levels,
then fiendishly difficult and worth a fairly
lengthy perusal.

This Week:
Found in newsletter: "Roll your own Tampons"
* ART - Lady wants to plaster cast your penis
* RAVE - Coronation Street stylee
* VIDEO SCHMIDEO - it's out of control

Two-headed hydra of gaming doom
Found in newsletter: "How do you get a one armed Irishman out of a tree?"

* MONG OUT - dope smokers will enjoy this game
of 'your the pretty little blob and you the
only way forward is to eat all the other
blobs.' A metaphor for life really. Assuming
you're caned.

* STING GAME - more of an arcade game this one,
can you guide the string around the maze
without hitting the walls? We can't. But then
we from suffer partial muscle paralysis,
often accompanied by loss of sensation and
uncontrollable body movements or tremors.

Nice Tank Game
Found in newsletter: "Why does Doctor Pepper come in a bottle?"

So many web games spack out on the graphics
so much that they run like a pig and there
is no gameplay. Nice to see someone kicking
it old school with some original vector
flavours. The AI is a bit poxy on the early
levels but it soon picks up into a fantastic
game of Tank vs Tank action. Woos all round.

Obsessive-Compulsive game
Found in newsletter: "No wanking in the showers"

Straightening cutlery and cleaning up messes
are very much the order of the day in this
multi-level game based on mentally-ill TV
detective Monk. And surprisingly satisfying
it all is too. Perhaps enough that we might
give the housework a quick spin after this.
Perhaps not though.

Tactical Assassin
Found in newsletter: "What's red, white, fluffy and sits in a tree?"

Viewing the world through the narrow tunnel of
your sniper scope, it's your job to assassinate
key stickman bad guys as a government marksman.
It's kind of disturbing that thegun you're meant
to be using is described in detail, while the
human targets remain indistinct. Although, if
being a state-sponsored assassin is really this
much fum, we are in the wrong job.

Bouncing panda
Found in newsletter: "The offensive wanking game"

It's hard to improve on a classic, but this
version of Arkanoid benefits from the addition
of cute pandas, an unchallenging difficulty
level and a soundtrack based on the pentatonic
scale. Incidentally, that's the same scale John
Lennon used to write 'Jealous Guy', fact fans.

Bouncy game
Found in newsletter: "Bohemian Rhapsody Vs. Lost"

This game scores points for its sheer oddness.
Can you bounce the blocks to hit the heads of
the other characters on the screen? Kept us
busy for oooh 5 minutes.

Robot maze thing
Found in newsletter: "Go web go!"

Robot. Maze. Things. Clicky. Game. Woo. Quite.
Hard. No. Idea. Why. I'm. Pressing. The. Full.
Stop. Key. Every. Word. Maybe. It's. Because.
Someone. Nicked. My. Laptop. C. U. N. T. S.

Geeky chess game
Found in newsletter: Issue 199: "Shit special!"

Can you cover all the points on a board using
only a knight? Remember, knights move in an
L-shape and are a little unpredictable. Like it.

Double game special
Found in newsletter: Issue 198: "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!111111"

We a reader the other day who said, "I really
miss the Friday game section." Well, we haven't
abandoned it, but we only run it when we get
a game we really like. And this week, we've got
two. Huzzah.

>> Hyperframe <<
You'll have to sit through an annoying ad first,
but live with it, Hyperframe rocks. A 3d puzzle
game, where you connect lines up on the cube.
Gets increasingly hard, but wonderfully done,
complete with amusingly crappy vocodered music.

>> Atom game <<
Another puzzle game. Can you spot the pattern
here? We're not hardcore gamers at B3ta HQ
and prefer a nice round of Freecell (or even
Mario Kart double dash) to all that first-person
shooter nonsense that sells Playstations.
Anyway, this should keep you busy, alright?

Jumpy block puzzle game
Found in newsletter: Issue 195 -"Can give you something with a blue vein in it?"

The aim of the game is to remove all pieces by
jumping on them. We're pretty sure we played
some thing similar on the Spectrum back in the
the day. But the concept still rocks, and it
would make a great game for a mobile phone.

Leapy stickman game
Found in newsletter: Issue 194 - "Pegging"

Enjoyed this inertia based take on the Manic
Miner game, leap about like a furious pig and
collect the objects. Tricky controls and great
gameplay. Much like our cocks.'

Cursor thief
Found in newsletter: Issue 191: "Have you seen the size of my crack?"

Keep your mouse-pointer safe from this
persistent little cursor-stealing shit, who'll
stop at nothing to grab a hold of it and smugly
taunt you in Japanese. Brilliant and infuriating.

One-key gaming
Found in newsletter: Issue 190: "Flip out like a ninja"

There's a school of thought that successful
web gaming has fuck-all to go with X-boxes and
3D visuals and everything to do with "here's
a quick novelty, have a go." This game is
all novelty and, frankly, we're wishing we'd
thought of it. Damn.

Brick wall leveller
Found in newsletter: Issue 184 - "The Singing Arsehole"

Like a cross between Tetris and Break Out on
special cuteness drugs. You have to level the
walls as much as you can before the time runs
out and, lo, there is much twee squeaking.

Crappy Nappies
Found in newsletter: Issue 181: "Barbie on the Blob"

It's not often you'll get pissed on by a flying
alien in nappies, but this short little game's
got that and lots more frankly bonkers Japanese
animation. When the whistle blows it's up to you
to drag things around to get to the next bit.

Kittens and squares
Found in newsletter: Issue 179: "Introducing the Phallic Logo Award"

>> Kitten rubber-band attack <<
Defend your home from an infestation of horribly
cute kittens by shooting them down with rubber
bands from your fingers. Satisfying kitten-flick

>> Bridge the grid <<
This apparently simple board-crossing game is
actually a little shitter. We haven't beaten
it yet and that makes us feel sad.

Meow busters
Found in newsletter: Issue 178 - "Happy Birthday Mr Hitler from your willing servant on Earth, Pope Benedict XVI"

It's raining kittens in this game'n'watch-esque
test of reflexes. What at first seems like
innocent fun soon shows its true colours as you
are rewarded with broken paws and kitten viscera
if you fail to stop the plummeting felines
gravity challenged fate.

Friday Games
Found in newsletter: Issue 177: "America, We Stand As One"
Hang things on the hangers and keep them
out of the water. If you keep the whole lot
dry for long enough you'll get another thing
to add to your fishy mobile. Watch out for

Stampy death
Found in newsletter: Issue 175: "One more reason to do sod all work"

There's not much depth to this deadly game of
elephant and parrot. You simply have to avoid
being crushed by the monstrous tusker's clumsy
foot. But we enjoyed its cuteness combined with
the constant, demented screeching in French.

Chain reaction cascade game
Found in newsletter: Issue 174: "Cillit BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!"

Clicking on a little tile rotates it 90 degrees.
If the edges match up with their neighbours it
starts that tile moving too. The aim is to get as
long a lasting chain reaction of movement as
possible. We reckon you'd have to be some sort
of super-brain nerd genius to be any good at it,
but it's fascinating to try.

Catch the Squares
Found in newsletter: Issue 173: "Family Planning - Please use rear entrance"

Simple but addictive. Avoid the red squares and
pick up the black. There's nothing superfluous,
just the facts, ma'am.

Trick ball challenge
Found in newsletter: Issue 171: "The Mega-shitter!"

The controls on this ball-navigating, lunar
lander-style game are very sensitive; so much
so that it's like being Superman, playing
keepy-uppy in a gale. The addictive bit is you
always thing you can do just a little bit better
each time.

Count the petals
Found in newsletter: Issue 170 - "Leukaemia the musical"

Drive yourself mad trying to solve this
pedantic maths puzzle. If you get it quickly
then you're a peado. Ha ha.

Geeky URL guessing conundrum
Found in newsletter: Issue 169: "Jewish dogs"

Puzzle with an incredibly steep learning
curve. The first two tests are a piece of piss,
then you hit the unreasonable third stage.

Notepad Invaders
Found in newsletter: Issue 168: "Your advert. On our newslettery tits."

Defend your note book against evil aliens
from Planet Biro. Rob and Dave made this
little hand-drawn Space Invaders game and
right pretty it looks too.

Wasting time is always good
Found in newsletter: Issue 167: "Women who breast-feed cats. And the cats who love them"

>> Chaos Theory <<
This is so simple that the fact it's in Japanese
doesn't matter one bit. A bunch of blue dots
spill upwards onto the screen. Wait a bit.
Wait. Wait. OK, now! Click once to start a chain
reaction of explosions. Can you get it to engulf
every one of the dots? (Site has pop-ups. Beware)

Majestic cog-wheel game
Found in newsletter: Issue 166: "Nude gay Christian athletics"

You're a sticky blob of something. Jump around
the screen, grabbing the red pills by latching
onto the slowly rotating wheels that can raise
you to the skies. Slow-paced, but gripping.
' http://www.tonypa.pri.ee/wheels.html'

Twang Your Dog
Found in newsletter: Issue 164: "Edible Freaks"

It's one of the classic game concepts: Your dog
wants to get to the top of the world. You must
propel him on his way, using a series of elastic
platforms. It's quite tricky even from the start
and you'll have to use ricochets to get past the
spiky barriers.

Mouse co-ordination challenge
Found in newsletter: Issue 163: "A big glittery poo"

This one's simple. Just move the red dot
around the screen and pick up the black dots
on your way. Don't touch the sides though.
We've been playing it for hours now and feel
slightly queasy.

bouncy mirror ball
Found in newsletter: Issue 161: "Dogs That Speak Like Men"

A nice, gentle game for a Friday afternoon,
based on classic puzzler Reflexion. Bounce the ball
round the maze by cunningly marshalling your
formidable array of 'ball-mirrors'.

bouncy mirror ball
Found in newsletter: Issue 161: "Dogs That Speak Like Men"

A nice, gentle game for a Friday afternoon,
based on classic puzzler Reflexion. Bounce the ball
round the maze by cunningly marshalling your
formidable array of 'ball-mirrors'.

Lobster Challenge
Found in newsletter: Issue 160: "RealDolls for paedos"

Can you get the confused lobsters to their
homes without them falling into the fiery
pits of oblivion? Of course, it all depends
on how much you care about lobsters, but this
Japanese game will drive you mad.

Found in newsletter: Issue 158: "Melon mishap"

Are people who ride unicycles a bunch of
cunts? Yes.

Circus skills are for tramps and dole slags.

If you work in new media you'll be needing
such skills soon.

Thanks to Gfxmonk for this - we found it
bloody impossible to play but it made us laugh.

Road blocks
Found in newsletter: Issue 157: "Badly-drawn wank"

The aim of the game is to get the ball onto the
pulsating red blocks by smacking into walls.
Then everything falls down. It starts off
incredibly easy but swiftly progresses to levels
of eye-knackering complexity. Kept us off the
streets for a few hours anyway.

Found in newsletter: Issue 156: "Crap tags"

"We laughed as we heard of people breaking
their machines through the frustration of
playing our Reverse game", sniggers Dlevitt,
"so we decided to create another one. It is
called Nucleus

"The first 3 levels are pants but it gets a lot
better and more frustrating later."

Another game that will waste away your lunch
hour, these guys are making smart stuff. Play it.

Find Hitler
Found in newsletter: Issue 155: "Bolivian Head Maggots"

Hitler is a man of mystery. Despite being the
most infamous bloke the 20th century produced,
there's still debate over the basic biographical
details of whether he was gay or Jewish.
We're pitching a show to C5 called "Was
Hitler an adult baby?" but before that
enjoy these Where's Wally-style Photoshop

Reverse mouse maze
Found in newsletter: Issue 151: "Sick joke special"

Simple, addictive and very frustrating. Guide
your mouse around a maze without touching any

The catch? your mouse is reversed.

We're kicking ourselves for not thinking of
this ourselves. It's brilliant.

Cow wrangler
Found in newsletter: Issue 150: "Sir, this wine gum looks like a penis"

It's all in German, which makes things a little
trickier, but the objective is to get the grey
cow to the gold thing so it can dance. After a
little while, we realised it was probably
aimed at quite young children. But we kept
playing anyway. Simple puzzles make us feel
like we're super clever.

Bathroom tile angle madness
Found in newsletter: Issue 149: "We're B3ta. It's Friday. Let's rock"

It doesn't sound promising, but this 'link
the squares' game will keep you puzz-niks out
there happy for hours. It's chicken soup for
the brain.

Found in newsletter: Issue 148: "Things to do with a cucumber"

Sometimes the games that work the best are the
simplest. We couldn't stop playing this version
of Hangman where you can choose your own
category. 100 great rock bands was our favourite.
We haven't had so much fun since we tried
playing Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing with a stick
stuck to our head.

Paper tossing
Found in newsletter: Issue 145: "Still kitteny after all these years"

Everywhere this week has been this neat little
game challenging you to toss screwed up balls
of paper into the bin.

It's tricky - see how you do.

Three games for the price of one
Found in newsletter: Issue 144: "Kittzenshitzen"

>> Dodge the blodge <<
In not possibly the most visually thrilling
gaming experience you'll encounter this week -
avoid the dots and hit the square. Every time
you get it right another blob appears. Gets
tricky quickly.

>> Bubble Trouble <<
Similar in concept to the previous game this
production pulls out the stops on the visuals.
Grab the bubbles to make yourself bigger - hence
making your character more likely to hit a
nasty. And it's got power-ups. Yay.

>> Pointy clicky adventure <<
An adventure game ala Monkey Island. It
looks gorgeous and has a tricky set of puzzles
to solve. Might keep you busy 'til next week.

Click boxy woo fun
Found in newsletter: Issue 143: "Anal Seepage"

At first we thought this game was a pile
of shit. We clicked about and bugger all
happened. Then a friend suggested we have
another gander and try dragging the objects
on the screen.

Aha! We get it. It's a multi-level single
screen puzzle game. Following its own rules
of logic, you probably haven't played a game
quite like this. Great.

Chinese Penguin Conga
Found in newsletter: Issue 142: "Better than licking batteries"

It starts off easy: you control three cute
little Chinese penguins, timing their jumps
with the numbers on your keyboard. But as the
game progresses, you get more and more penguins.
Ultimately, you're a sweaty, spasming mess,
trying to herd a conga line of nine of the
buggers. Absolute genius.

Bee game
Found in newsletter: Issue 141: "Are you gay?"

It's Friday. You've checked all the links
in the newsletter. You've still got 2 hours
before they'll let you go to the pub.

Why not play a bee game? Its rather
innovative control system had us perplexed
until we got the hang of it, then we were
like, "Hey. Neat. Argh. Dead."

Ladybird puzzle
Found in newsletter: Issue 137: "Goatse Death Dive"

Remember those slide puzzles where you had to
move the pieces to form a recognisable

This is an unusual update. It adds the magical
element of a ladybird on a train track. You
have to slide the pieces about to create a
path which will guide your character through
every square on the board.

Tricky stuff. You'll probably go blind.

Circular Breakout
Found in newsletter: Issue 136: "The Sweary Cornflake"

This is a flash version of the arcade classic,
but set at the bottom of a metal bowl. Try to
stop the ball falling down the hole in the
centre. To kill a few minutes before going
home you could do a lot worse than try out
Matt Plasticmartian's challenging game.

Panda Golf
Found in newsletter: Issue 135: "We've not met the right girl yet either"

"The whole office has been playing Panda Golf
all week" moans Spammage2000, "Like a decent
crack habit it's a lot of fun at first but
then ruins your life."

Woot. This is a lovely little game which we'd
still be playing now if we didn't have a
newsletter to write.

Still bored? This lot should keep you busy.
Found in newsletter: Issue 134: "Try the Black Cock Inn cider"

>> Shooty arrow game <<
Quite astoundingly retro, but still uncommonly
good. Can you shoot the other bow-wielding
stickman, before he makes you into a black
line kebab?

>> Highway Hunter <<
Flash games should be short, fast and exciting.
Much like this road-rage game. These guys
could teach miniclip a few things about
web gaming,

>> Pill-popping ricochet game <<
People find the inspiration for making games
in the most unlikely of places. This one is
based upon the premise that taking pills makes
you happy - but too many makes you explode.
Works surprisingly well as a little puzzle game.

Last updated 1 hour 58 minutes 3 seconds ago