NEWSLETTER: "DANDRUFF: THE POOR MAN'S PARMESAN"
This Week:
* ANIM - Simon Cowell
* TUNES - Shufflr
* DANCE - Russian hip-hop
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Now under
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Tory control..."
B3ta email 329 - 23 May 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue329/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cowell, Shufflr, Parties and Snails
>> Jonti Vs Owl and Simon Cowell <<
Poor Simon Cowell, not only is he one of the
richest shits on the planet, his name rhymes
with 'owl'. Something Joel Veitch once tackled
with his lightweight but memorable, "Simon
Cowell has got an owl and a trowel", and now
Picking is bringing out the big guns with
applying his animation and songy genius to a
similar area. BTW: Music geeks - if you want to
know how Jonti achieves his robot tone on his
voice then google 'melodyne.'
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/owls
>> Shufflr <<
Cr3 is still on his one man mission to destroy
the music industry by helping everyone listen
to everything for free. His latest trick is to
catch what MP3s people are searching for and
allow you to play them in real time. It's
absolutely great.
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/site/shufflr/
>> London B3ta bash <<
On our lovely site, we have a calendar page for
B3tards who want to go to the pub. We're quite
alarmed that one such event has taken off to
such a degree that over 80 people have signed
to turn up. Earls Court, 31st of May. Be there
if you want to get jiggy with the the "cream"
of the internet.
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/12648
>> Snail art <<
"Slinkachu here, the guy that takes photos of
little model people hidden around the streets
of London (by the way, thanks for featuring me
a couple of years back!). I saw your request
for snail lighting... Well I haven't done that,
but I HAVE been busy recently making snails
into moving street art." Wow, although we do
prefer putting salt on snail and watching them
sizzle, we're blown away that you can actually
be bothered to paint their little shells.
http://www.innercitysnail.blogspot.com
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Books that changed your life
Last week we wanted to know which books had had
a lasting effect on you. To be honest, we weren't
expecting the emotional depths that some of you
plumbed - there's some excellent stuff here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/books/
Here's three short ones we liked:
* THE GOD OF SMALL THINGS - "Not least because
it's beautiful, but last year I loaned my copy
to my best friend. I'd been silently and deeply
in love with this man for years but somehow
managed to convince myself that the soulmatey
connections between us were all platonic - it
was the only thing to do as he was both in a
relationship and close friends with my fiance.
Anyway, I gave him my book and he read it,
loved it, and gave it back to me. I re-read it
straight afterwards as his falling in love with
it so much had made me want to revisit. All was
fine until I got to the passage 'if he touched
her, he couldn't talk to her, if he loved her,
he couldn't leave, if he spoke he couldn't
listen, if he fought he couldn't win'. This was
underlined. My heart stopped for what felt like
a minute when I realised that he had done it;
that he felt exactly the same way about me. So.
It's almost a year later, life has been turned
upside down, our ex-es loathe us both (and are
well within their rights) but the facts are
that I am now with the man of my dreams and,
despite the hurt I've caused other people, I
could not be happier. I truly believe I've
found The One. If I hadn't have re-read the
book, I would never have confessed how I felt.
I'm never loaning my copy to anyone ever again.
It's incredibly precious to me." (mookroolz)
* HAYNES BOOK OF LIES - "The Haynes VW POLO
1982 Oct 1990 Manual: if it wasn't for this
book I'd be stuck in the slowly shifting sands
of the Mongolian desert. Instead, we simply
slid this book under the footpump and used it
as a flat surface for reinflating the tyre.
It's feck all use for anything else, especially
actual car repairs." (crackhouseceilidhband)
* THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR - "is basically
my bible. It taught me about butterflies, which
are kick ass. It taught me about the days of
the week. It taught me how to count. It taught
me that gross weird looking bastards turn out
to be amazingly pretty. But most importantly,
it taught me that binge-eating is fucking
awesome. Particularly combining salami and
cherry pie. For this glorious education in
hideous amounts of food and eating until you
feel sick, I salute you, you hungry little
caterpillar. (In other news, it's been 21 years
and I've been eating as much as possible and
I'm still not a butterfly. I'm beginning to
think it was all a clever lie.)" (thants)
>> This Week's Question <<
I QUIT! What have you flounced out of? Did it
have the impact you intended? What made you
quit in the first place? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/quitters/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> 42 awesome business cards <<
Business cards are normally a bit of a white
elephant - useful only for bulking out your
wallet and possibly thereby save your life by
stopping a bullet. But this is an excellent
collection of cards that you'd be pleased to
get, from little construction models to tiny
gardens for you to tend.
http://snipurl.com/what-a-card [reencoded_com]
>> Celeb tags <<
Type in the first word you think of when
looking at an image of a celebrity, then see
what other people have though too, scaled
according to how commonly it's been submitted.
The internet's judgement is amusingly harsh -
we recommend Madonna's. The site would be
improved with adding a few more celebrities
though - we craved more.
http://celebtags.com
>> Weird trick pictures <<
Deliberately eschewing the use of photoshop,
these shots are achieved with just mirrors,
wires and a certain amount of physical courage.
Next time, we'd like to see him recreate
Photoshop's Liquify tool in real life...
http://www.liweiart.com/ART/liwei/PHOTO.htm/PHOTO0...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
The Beadle rejects you love
>> Internet party - intervention <<
Another in the excellent series of sketched
based on websites being represented by real
people. Myspace's friends have something
important to tell him
http://snipurl.com/wheres-b3ta-you-gits [www_cracked_com]
>> Russian Hip-hop <<
Combining two of our favourite things... well
okay, one of our favourite things - old-style
Russian dancing. Here it's synced surprisingly
well to Jason Nevins's 'It's Like That'.
Genuinely. The damn thing is practically
identical.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Russian_Hip_Hop
>> Flying RC cock <<
Poor Garry Kasparov; trying to make a speech
and then having his thunder stolen by an
attacking airborne penis. Fortunately, his
bodyguards are on hand to beat it off.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Attack of the psycho goose <<
Relentless assault on a tiny boat by a maddened
goose. It really is a bit like Jaws filmed on a
handy-cam. Except it's rather more embarrassing
to be mauled to death by waterfowl.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Psycho_Goose
>> TV pundit forced to admit he's wrong <<
Unusual venture into politilols but very
refreshing to see right-wing political
commentator Kevin James actually pressured
on-air into admitting that he didn't actually
know what he was talking about.
http://thinkprogress.org/2008/05/15/kevin-james-ap...
>> 10 optical illusions in 2 minutes <<
Possibly nothing you haven't seen before but
it's nice to have it all in one place at one
time - quite convenient. Some sort of promo for
Samsung, if you prefer to stick it to the man
by not watching his goddamn web viral ads.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Selling lols to Roflcastle
* HONEST ESTATE AGENT - "Was recently in Caen,
Normandy and found an estate agent with a
refreshing degree of truthfulness in their
name. At least you know how you are going to
be treated." (Gary MacKay)
http://www.b3tards.com/u/119d84f9b7db1ccf267c/caen...
* B3TA'S FAVOURITE SCHOOL - If the mini-fuhrer
wasn't down for Eton we'd be sending him here.
(fridalongstockin)
http://www.hughsexey.somerset.sch.uk/visitors/
* BEST SHOP SIGN EVER - "I took this photo a
while ago", boasts Rohan Chadwick, "It's a
handbag shop in Cardiff."
http://snipurl.com/divorce-lols [picasaweb_google_com]
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: TINGS DAT MAK U GO RRRRRrrr
Kitten in the snow
... either that or it needs some Head &
Shoulders.
http://snipurl.com/kitteny-berk [photo_accuweather_com]
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Mutants Challenge
Last week we wanted you to turn celebrities
into mutants, like.
Your favourites included:
* ROB - Your Ginger Fuhrer at his very best:
with a luscious, heaving pair of tits
(HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8370371
* SARAH JESSICA PARKER - the Sex in the City
star gets a much-needed mutant makeover
(nastybadger)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8373891
* POLITICIANS - New Labour? New Danger. Real
Danger. (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8375622
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_mutants/
>> New challenge: Money <<
Money! It's a gas. You can't photoshop it
though - OR CAN YOU? This week - by fair means
or foul - we'd like you to do your amusing
doodahs with cold hard currency.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/photoshoppedmoney/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GRUDGEBOOK - My Future Self writes, "B3ta
newsletter 328 calls for a Grudgebook, so I
have made one. This groundbreaking app lets you
share your grudges. Since I loathe Web 2.0
design, I didn’t go with the gradient buttons
and star badges. I did however give the ascii
banner a bit of Web 0.0 gradient."
http://www.infinitypoint0.com/grudgebook/index.php
A DOCTOR SPEAKS - "I'm a doctor, and I'd like
to say that sticking a high pressure air pump
up your bum in order to make big farts is
officially dangerous. But not as dangerous as
putting quick-drying concrete and a ping-pong
ball up your arse. Having said that, if you are
lucky enough to have a colonoscopy the
gastroenterologists inflate your colon with
air, which a) Fucking hurts and b) Makes you
fart a lot on the bus home. I'd like to
challenge all b3tans who get to have the
pleasure of a camera stuck up their arse to see
if they can fart the national anthem afterwards
without following through." All that from the
appropriately named 'The hairy aerosol'
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: FRIDAY GAME
Spot the difference
Readers of rubbish celebrity mags will be
familiar with seeing two pics side by side with
minor differences - a third nipple on Kelly
Brook or a cock on Jordan. This works on the
same principle, but has a curiously mellow vibe.
http://www.crazymonkeygames.com/6-Differences.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* REVERSE SPACE INVADERS - hack an old flash
game so that you can play the invaders. Click
them to drop bombs on the hapless human
defender. You might take a bit of weighting to
make this fair - say you can only drop one bomb
at a time or something. We'd certainly like to
play anyway.
* COIN STACKING - how high can you stack 2ps
until they fall over? Could be quite a sport
this. (Um, we sometimes write this section
looking around the room for arbitrary
inspiration, and yes, we've just seen a large
jar of 2ps.)
* THE GREAT CLOSED EYE EXPERIMENT - how long
can you close your eyes for whilst staying
awake. We managed 20 seconds before getting
bored and thinking, "fuck! must finish the
fucking newsletter!"
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Juvey, johninnit,
sparrk, matt smith, Zigmund, Creeper and
claptonista Top Tippery by mistaspakkaman
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. (We're enjoying your 'go
vegetarian for a week' blog thingy too:
http://www.blogjam.com/ ) Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. SUBJLOLS: Caustic Armadillo. MASTHEAD:
Joliet.
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TOP TIP:
Annoy sarcastic people by pretending to take
everything they say at face value.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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SICKIPEDIA:
Have you noticed the way that burns victims
stick together?
http://www.sickipedia.org/
