NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S #000000 AND #FFFFFF AND #FF0000 ALL OVER?"
"WHAT'S #000000 AND #FFFFFF AND #FF0000 all over?"
* MAKE EVERYTHING NORTHERN - challenge results
* SHED OF THE YEAR - winner announced
* BOTH WEEBL & RATHERGOOD DOING GIGS - woo & yay
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | running an 'adopt a
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| website scheme' together"
B3ta newsletter 993, 7th Aug 2026
Read this issue in your Hulk SMASH voice:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue993
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making subheaders they couldn't fini
* THE UK'S SHED OF THE YEAR 2026 IS EVERY
TABLETOP GAMER'S DREAM - Unclewilco writes,
"From epic Warhammer battles to WWII Bolt Action
campaigns, this incredible Lancashire hobby shed
has been crowned the UK's Shed of the Year 2026.
Built for friendship, gaming and remembering a
much-missed friend, it's a space every tabletop
gamer would love to call home." Yes we've been
supporting this nonsense for god knows how many
years so this is our win too.
http://b3ta.com/links/1633458
* A LETTER TO MY DAD - Skept1C writes,
"Greetings! Many, many years ago I used to be a
regular on the main board where I would
contribute mostly shit jokes and bad photoshops.
Since then I've gone off to make films and
things, and recently made this zero-budget,
shot-on-my-phone short comedy film, and I
thought it could be the sort of thing that
B3tans might enjoy, so here it is. Woo, and
indeed, yay!" This contains a surprisingly large
amount of jokes, which is our tip to making
things, stuff the jokes in.
http://b3ta.com/links/1633510
* KUNT OF KUNT AND THE GANG RELEASES NEW ALBUM -
Kunt tells us, "It's the long overdue second
Kunts album 'It's All A Load Of Bollocks And
They're All Just Cunts'. It's a 20 minute glam
punk megamix containing 4 top 20 singles and
it's 3 years late, but I've stuck it up on
Bandcamp today." The SGT Pepper inspired
artwork, where every single person in the Peter
Blake montage is replaced with someone Kunt
thinks is an utter cunt, is a thing of wonder,
and we hope he gets round to selling it as a
jigsaw.
https://kuntandthegang.bandcamp.com/album/its-all-...
* NOT IN OUR NEWSLETTER THIS WEEK - [redaccted]
writes, "Hey, I made this dumb little thing
called [redacted]. Basically, you give money
and get absolutely nothing in return. No
rewards, no explanation, nothing. That's
literally it. Figured you guys might appreciate
this kind of internet nonsense." Hang on so you
fill in a form, give money and get nothing in
return? Nope, sorry mate, we're not running
that, it's a scam of Trump level proportions,
and just because you're being honest that it's a
scam, doesn't make it not spiritually iffy.
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Are you in need of clothes? Hebtro's the answer
There are many reasons to need clothing, maybe
God made you ashamed of your nudity, maybe
you're David Banner and you've ripped your shirt
transmogrifying into the Incredible Hulk, or
maybe you just want to look cool as fuck as your
peruse the URLs that this very newsletter is
sending the 'NTK effect' to this week. Whatever
your reasons, check out these snazzy threads and
spend some of your Earth pounds before inflation
means they're not worth tuppence.
https://hebtro.co/department/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses, our account, everyone's "fun"
In picking three of the best fesses this week we
noticed a bit of a theme, yes it's Moderate
Troll time, with confessions all about causing a
small bit of irritation to strangers while you
giggle in your cyber-lair of wanking and
despair.
* BIBLE TROLL - "For at least twenty years, in
every hotel I've stayed in, if there's a Bible
I've signed it 'Cheers for believing, all the
best, Jesus'. As a full-time touring musician
it's well past the thousand mark by now."
* GARDEN TROLL - "I've discovered THE best
hobby. Just pick a town, join all its local
Facebook groups. Then drive there one night with
a job lot of gnomes and drop them on a few
doorsteps. Then sit back and watch the
fireworks."
* MUMMYWEB TROLL - "I once trolled Mumsnet with
'my 5 year old won't drink coffee unless I put 4
or 5 sugars in it, is this normal?' If you were
one of the outraged mums rushing to defend my
kids from caffeine - I'm not in the least sorry.
It was glorious."
Follow the account that now has 170k followers
on Instagram, which makes it the second biggest
Fesshole account and the one we understand the
least as we like words and not pictures.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Buy the books that mean we can never get a job
in a school or work with animals.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your guide to 'cool fax forwards' this week
* GUESS THE PRICE OF BRITISH BEANS - Can you
guess the price of the items on the supermarket
receipt? Usually this sort of thing is in
dollars and Walmart, but this one is in pounds
and Morrisons so you actually have a chance, as
long as you're not a Waitrose posho.
https://www.spenny.uk/
* MOSTLY PHOTOS OF PHONES LEFT IN AIRPORTS -
'Walzr' found that a lost property tool used by
airports wasn't being very secure with their
data handling, so you can now view all the lost
items in his gallery. Interesting how much
character you find yourself intuiting about the
owners from some of these things.
https://walzr.com/lost-and-found
* WORSHIP AT THE CHURCH OF PIXELS - A simulator
of visiting a church and doing the fun stuff you
can't do if you're not Catholic, like
confessions and candles. Hard to tell if it's
intended as serious or not, but it's a
surprisingly chilled experience nevertheless.
Would have been a smash hit if they'd released
it in 2020 as a lockdown "I Miss My Church"
site. You can fess too, and it just sticks them
in the bin instead of publishing them - we
should have thought of that.
https://adwityac.github.io/pixel-chapel/
* IT'S NOT RUDE BUT IT SOUNDS RUDE -
marcussprenkel writes, "For a bit of mischief,
ask someone to open the Google Translate App,
select English to Dutch and translate the phrase
"Pick my most beautiful side" and listen to the
translation. Absolute filth." Blimey, this
totally works, and we've found a way to link
directly to the output so you can hear it
without the faff.
https://translate.google.co.uk/
* ARE YOU SITTING AT YOUR DESK PROPERLY - or are
you sitting like a shrimp? Turns out we were
sitting like a shrimp and this tool shamed us
into sitting up for 10 seconds before closing
the browser window and slumping back into our
gaming chair and shitting our adult nappies.
https://www.shrump.cam
* "LYNNE, THESE ARE SEX PEOPLE" - Everyone loves
it when a house goes viral on RightMove and
people say you should check out the pictures.
This one clearly has been used for sex parties
but the detail we enjoyed, outside of all the
plastic sheets on beds and the enormous amount
of cleaning products in the garage, is the pool
room. It's got to be popular at a sex party
right? We mean how long can you actually be
bothered to shag for before getting bored and
sore?
https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/91202910#/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Make Everything Northern
Last week we decided to alienate our Northern
reader by taking the piss out the North, in some
sort of confused baggy nod to our new Prime
Minister. Here's the best images according to
your editor:
* 'Monkeon' gets a thumbs up for mentioning
Jimmy Nail, a man we're weirdly fond of. The
Nail revival starts now, and we need Spender on
streaming. *Newsletter walks off into the sunset
whistling Crocodile Shoes*
https://b3ta.com/board/11430037
* 'Tribs' reminds us of the best named White
Stripe's LP, yes we know it's not a joke about
that, don't write in. (Ever.)
https://b3ta.com/board/11429924
* 'Ya What' delivers an Oasis gag that took us a
moment to get, which means the joke landed all
the better for it.
https://b3ta.com/board/11429946
* See all the other images from the 'Make
Everything Northern' challenge - sorry the
North.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/makeeverythingnorthern/p...
>> This week: Comic Book Characters on TV <<
There's a lot of crap superhero TV shows around
already, but what if comic book characters
appeared on all the other telly shows? Dig out
your copy of Marvel Super Heroes Creativity
Center and show us. Suggested by Andrew Heenan.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/comicbookcharactersontv...
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: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
Hot takes OR above room-temperature G Barlow?
Asking people for opinions and then publishing
them is our unpopular sister project to
Fesshole, unpopular in the sense that 1/5th of
the people follow it, and no one has got in
touch saying "hey these's a book in that"
however we doggedly keep it going as we like the
chat it generates.
* BINS - "It's surprising how few people know
the correct side of a wheelie bin onto which to
stick their house number." Best reply? "It's the
outside." (thx Sir_LANs-a-lot)
* SONGS - "Famous singers releasing bitchy songs
about their ex should be considered a form of
doxxing. The other party has no equivalent right
of reply and is left exposed to the wrath of
their crazy followers." Best reply? "I bet you
think this Opin is about you" (thx Stuart
Jordan)
* KIDS - "As a single man in my 50s with no
children I cannot say this in public, but the
best sound in the world is young children
playing outside. The squeals of delight as they
are totally lost in a moment with no other cares
is just amazing & something you never get from
an adult." Best reply? "Do not get a semi next
to a school." (thx Andrew a9630)
Block everyone who follows this account to
improve your social experience:
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next, if next means miscellaneous
* B3TAN GETS 'FURTIVE' TATTOO -
Townsendspublisher emailed us a photo of his leg
and we told him to post it on the board so we
could link to it. He's not the first person to
get a B3ta tattoo as that was Zog - hello Zog if
you're still out there?
https://b3ta.com/links/1633477
* WEEBL IS DOING A GIG - your favourite Badgerx3
dude is playing a show and writes, "Oh I'm
playing Salford in Manchester in. I have tickets
too. I do love the posters he made."
https://ra.co/events/2467214
* ALSO JOEL VEITCH IS DOING A GIG - the rather
good crab bloke writes, "Did I already mention
we are doing our now-annual 7 Seconds Of Love
plus some RatherGood classics gig at the New
Cross Inn on Friday October 9th?" No you didn't,
the artist formerly known as Stallion Explosion,
but you have now.
https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/7-seconds-of-love-t...
* THAT COMEDY BLOKE WHO DID THAT 'I WILL
STRANGLE A HORSE' TEXT ADVENTURE IS DOING SOME
PODCAST STUFF - Guy Kelly writes, "I did some
writing on, and performing in, It's A
Superpower??, the sitcom podcast from the folks
at The Daily Tism! It's a sitcom made by and for
autistic people, is funny, silly, full of heart,
and has insane guest stars like Patton Oswalt
and Penn Jillette! Two episodes are out now,
with new episodes every Monday!"
https://thedailytism.com/podcasts/its-a-superpower...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas you kick you up the idea minge
* ARE YOU LUCKY? A simple game that tosses a
coin and asks you to predict it, and if you get
it right, you're lucky that day. Surely everyone
wants to share they're lucky. Each day could
have a different luck test, say predicting
whether the sausage takes nine minutes to brown,
or ten.
* A THIRTY-SIX PART DOCUMENTARY ON HOW FUCKING
MAD THE ONLINE RIGHT ARE THESE DAYS - we can
cope with people having different opinions about
taxation but some of the Right are genuinely
really weird these days - talking about world
being controlled by the Nephilim or some shite.
How is this even a thing? How did it get so
weird?
* A COMPENDIUM OF ADVICE YOU ARE ACTUALLY
EVANGELICAL ABOUT - for us it's that you can
outsource your flaky executive function to lists
and that 2-for-1 cinema deal with Compare The
Market is actually a great deal because all you
need to do is buy 1.10 of travel insurance.
OK make some stuff, but try and resist AI shite,
like the person who promised us that "no AI was
used" and on opening their shite, it was all AI
images. B3tans are better than that. You're
better than that.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *STOOBERT* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH*
*DAVID GREEN* *MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
Tom Dolan, Kate, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Matthew Wilkes, Tom Wright, Kev
Adams, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, '@mattdawhit,
Adam Lloyd, Anna, Ashens, Chris Evans, d@m0,
Dave Tickle, David Catley, David Mills, Derek
Law, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich,
Greg Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton,
Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matthew
Collinge, Matthew Morris, Neil de Carteret, Nick
Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong, Ricardo
Autobahn, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, the wub, Tim Jokl,
Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
Chef Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71, Jonty
Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben
Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford Lawrence, omnipiss,
Simon Balch, Claire Turner, Phil Lovell, Jon
Morris Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish, Roy Santos,
Phillip Spowart, Daniel Calvin, Rich Corcoran,
John Daly, nevillebartos, Geoff Tidey, Ian
Walker, Leighton Stevenson, Funny_Hat, Gillian
Parrott, Phil Bennett, Matt, Oni, Katie
Steckles, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Simon Howard, Kier
Fox, Peter Henningsen, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond,
Harri Bionic, mattcox303, Gerry Spencer, Patrick
Hudson, Richie Hindle, Robert van Dijk, Ian
Walker, Paul Martyn, John Davies, DrumGui76,
Harry Simpson, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Mark
Arnold, da.vidjam.es, and Zoe Trinder-Widdess.
Also thanks to the 76 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BS, CC, CS, CZ, DP, DE,
EN, GS, GF, IO, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM, MB, MF,
NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RC, RA, RM, RS, SC, SR, SW,
TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE, and BB.
You are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors: Zoe
Trinder-Widdess, da.vidjam.es, Mark Arnold,
DrumGui76, Patrick Hudson, John Davies, Paul
Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry Spencer, and Harry
Simpson.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "I'M ON A BUS" FESSHOLE
"If I don't have anything on, I'll sometimes buy
a day ticket for the local buses and ride around
on them for fun. It's weirdly exciting not
knowing where you'll end up going" Best reply?
"Last time I got on the bus with nothing on I
was arrested for indecent exposure." (thx
K_BLKM4N)
