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NEWSLETTER: "THE ONLY NEWSLETTER LEGALLY OLD ENOUGH HAVE A SIX YEAR OLD CHILD AND LET HIM HAVE A SMALL AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL WITH HIS MEAL"

 
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This Week:
* JAWS - with 'improved' music
* NEW CHALLENGE - Royal Photoshop Disasters
* CHALLENGE RESULTS - Star Wars vs Adverts (good)
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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're saving the wob
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  wob wob by bringing back
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  triple dub step"

B3ta e-fax newsletter 900 - 15th Mar 2024

Read this issue to your nearly dead fish. FEED THEM!
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue900

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Buy some tickets to "fly" a starship

  Ever wanted to fly a starship? Now"s your chance
  to take the helm. Gather your crew for Bridge
  Command - launching on 27 March.
https://bit.ly/bridgecommand2

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making bees jump off tiny cliffs

  * JAWS - 'AVR2' has reimagined the score to the
  Spielberg 'Alien in the sea' movie, and it
  amused us more than it should have.
https://b3ta.com/links/Jaws_the_lost_1980s_updated...

  * ALAN SUGAR, THE 'HMMM' PRENTICE - Beardy
  bigwig Alan Sir Sugar Lord hums along to the
  theme tune from his favourite TV show. Thanks
  Dave Bagpuss Forsey for this bit of humongous
  editing.
https://b3ta.com/links/Alan_Sugar_The_Hmm_prentice

  * ALF PODCAST - Ricardo Autobahn writes,
  "ALFsplaining is a love letter to one of the
  more oddball sitcom phenomenons of the 80s, in
  which a high-octane space-aardvark crashlands
  into a cookie-cutter sitcom family. Very little
  actual 'splaining goes on, we more try to
  desperately make sense of what's happening on a
  sitcom that barely lasted two years on regional
  ITV." Honestly, we spent half the afternoon
  chatting to Richard on messages and he convinced
  us that Alf is worth investigating. Or we've
  lost our minds.
https://linktr.ee/alfsplaining

-------------------------------------------------

: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
  Go on, buy so clothes, you know you want to

  Official sponsors of B3ta and Fesshole, Hebtro,
  make wonderful clothes (we're wearing one of
  their belts as we type this). There's shirts,
  jeans, coats: basically, rugged stuff for men.
  Ideal as gifts either for the rugged men in your
  life or for yourself. All made in the UK to the
  highest standards and they don't even ask to vet
  what copy we're going to write so we could write
  "SAUSAGES" and it would be fine. Anyway, check
  out their threads.
https://hebtro.co/

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE
  Your confesses confessed up as fess-content

  Each week you shit some lies into a bin and we
  pull out a couple to chuck up on MySpace so Tom
  can say "thanks for the add" and our favs at the
  mo:

  * HOW I GOT ARRESTED - "In Tesco with adult
  daughter. She'd gone ahead, found her looking in
  the freezer and thought it would be hilarious to
  shove her in. She fell in. I laughed a lot, then
  looked up to see daughter standing at end of
  aisle. I'd shoved a random stranger in the
  freezer."

  * WHAT FENTON DID NEXT - "Caught short on a
  woodland walk, I ducked behind some bushes to
  take a dump. When I was doing up my trousers, a
  dog wandered over to me so I hurried away. Then
  heard the dog's owner: 'Jesus wept, Dexter,
  that's a big one!' I think she picked up my shit
  in a bag."

  * TAXI FOR TINDER - "I once had a shag with a
  guy on Tinder. In the middle of it his
  girlfriend rang. I ended it there and then. He
  ordered me an Uber to my house, which was a 10
  ride, but I carried on into Manchester to meet
  some mates. Cost him 63."

  Follow it if you like, who the fuck cares by
  this point, you'll enjoy it if you like that
  sort of thing or you won't. Actually no, do
  follow the Mastodon version, that needs more
  love as it's only got a couple of thousand
  follows:
https://mastodon.social/@fesshole

  The next gig is Glasgow and it's nearly sold out
  so we need to start making some serious noise
  for Dublin. COME TO THE DUBLIN SHOW OK? Also
  available: Northampton, Brighton and Durham. But
  yeah, DUBLIN!
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

  Buy the book that we've never seen in a charity
  shop anyway.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BEEFS
  LINKS IN BIO

  * GREATEST MUSIC, POKED AT - The Pudding's
  latest investigation is a look at Rolling
  Stone's Greatest Albums list over the last 20
  years, trying to find out if there's any method
  to what can seem quite arbitrary. Shame they
  don't use their powers to reverse engineer how
  Mike Read's Heritage Chart is calculated.
https://pudding.cool/2024/03/greatest-music/

  * RADIO WARCRAFT - This site has turned random
  World of Warcraft sound effects into a radio
  station, which is presumably quite a nostalgic
  listen to the higher realm of nerds.
https://2-warcraft-2-radio.glitch.me

  * FUCK THE NYT - The joyless New York Times has
  been sending takedowns to Wordle clones this
  week, so let's never mention them again. In this
  Jotto-esque puzzle, you must guess the five
  letter words from riddles.  There's a new game
  every day, just like the 1996 IRC word game
  Acrophobia.
https://riddler.game

  * YOUR NEW SOUNDTRACK TO THE NEW YOU - In 1990
  Tim Follin made an oddly pumping soundtrack for
  a version of Pictionary. It's great fun to
  listen to it and read the YouTube comments: "I
  have never been so absolutely pumped to play a
  watered-down NES version of a board game in my
  life."
https://www.youtube.com/watch

  * "CHIPSTEAKS - UNIQUE AND DELICIOUS, WITH
  TREMENDOUS PROTEIN VALUE!" - Short advert
  promoting a butcher in the 1970s. Made us want
  to sample and loop it and have a weird hit in
  1992. Or hypnotise people into eating beef with
  it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch

  * BIG E-BOOK OF ART FROM CANCELLED ANIMATED
  FILMS - there's so much work that goes into film
  production, and some of these films don't even
  get made. Remember the stuff you could never
  have here.
https://www.drawingfornothing.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Star Wars vs Adverts

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * Perfect gag from Monkeon, you might have to
  squint a bit given our readers are all about 80
  now
https://b3ta.com/board/11405160

  * HappyToast Smashes it
https://b3ta.com/board/11405081

  * And just love this from Afinkawan
https://b3ta.com/board/11405327

  * See all the other images from the 'Star Wars
  vs Adverts ' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/starwarsvsadverts/popula...


  >> This week: Royal Photoshop Disasters <<
  Following Kate Middleton's dicking around with
  her press photo, let's go back in time and ruin
  every other royal photograph and portrait in
  history using the powers of Photoshop CS3.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/royalphotoshopdisasters/...

-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW -UPS
  What happened next

  * RATHER GOOD DINOSAURS - Joel Veitch tells us,
  "Our youtube shorts 'Dinosaurs: Terrible
  Lizards' got picked up by Netflix for a series.
  It's called BAD DINOSAURS and it's coming out on
  March 28th but the teaser trailer just appeared
  on the Netflix Jr youtube channel, so here it
  is. I hope you like it. It's got dinosaurs in
  it. Head writer is Natt, from b3ta. Co-creators
  with me are Alex Mallinson, also from here, and
  David Shute. It's a very b3tan thing."
  http://b3ta.com/links/1613740

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some ideas to kick you

  * A TUMBLR ACCOUNT - called '1980s computer art,
  where if it were a film poster, I would watch
  the fuck out of it"
  * WICKER LOVE ISLAND - we managed to watch both
  Love Island and Wicker Man this week and
  absolutely couldn't be arsed to mash up the the
  v/o from the reality show with the the shots
  from the film, but you could probably make it
  work.

  * MIDI WOGAN - Monkeon suggests, "I was thinking
  how you could hook up Radio 2's Now Playing bot
  with a MIDI music library and make a cooler
  muzak version of Radio 2."

  Go on, we look at everything you send us.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS
  We love all these people. Almost romantically.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
  Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
  Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
  Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
  Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
  Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
  Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
  H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
  Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
  Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
  Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
  Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
  Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
  Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
  Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
  Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
  mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
  OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
  Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
  Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
  pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
  Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
  RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
  sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
  McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
  Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
  Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
  Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
  Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
  Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
  Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
  Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
  Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
  James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
  Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
  Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
  Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
  Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
  Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
  Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
  Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
  Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
  Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
  STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
  Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
  Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
  Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
  Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
  Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
  Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
  Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
  Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
  Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
  Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
  Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
  Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
  Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
  Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
  Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
  Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
  help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
  by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Come. It is time to keep
  your appointment with the Wicker Man. - Kat)

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
  love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
  - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
  Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
  Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
  and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
  McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
  Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
  PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
  the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
  to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
  appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
  Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
  Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
  Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
  YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
  Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
  you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
  Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
  THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
  BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
  JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
  and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
  Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.

  And do please donate as you get occasional
  "bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
  couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

  Like Liz Truss, we too are victims of the Deep
  State, who've conspired to prevent the B3ta
  newsletter having more subscribers. Take a blow
  against the unelected blob by telling your
  friends to sign up.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/

-------------------------------------------------

: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'SORRY LIMMY' FESSHOLE

  "Went on a date recently and went back to his
  after a fun night. He offered to put something
  on while we relaxed and proceeded to watch a
  Scottish man in his 50s play games on 'Twitch'.
  Needless to say I went home."

 
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