NEWSLETTER: "ONLY 998 NEWSLETTERS UNTIL WE STOP POSTING. HOORAY."
* ZX81 JOKE BOOK - RAM pack now in hardback
* LOCAL PEDIA - meet the murders in your area
* DRAW DICKS - the web returns to core function
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | but praying for the souls
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| of damned table tags"
B3ta nudeletter 1002, 23rd Oct 2026
Read this issue to a lawyer just to make sure:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue1002
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making C90s of farts again
* YOUR EDITOR WANTS YOU TO BUY HIS BOOK - "81
Jokes For The ZX81" - he writes, "I've spent six
months drawing ZX81 graphics, by hand, in an
absurd challenge to myself: can I write 81 jokes
about the Sinclair ZX81? The answer is yes, I
can. If you like B3ta, please buy this as it's
the perfect gift for yourself or the retro dad
in your life. Jokes, art, old computers and a
celebration of simply doing a stupid idea, the
hard way, instead of giving up and going, 'let's
get AI to do it badly.'"
https://spelk.press/gb/products/81-jokes-for-the-z...
* DRAW SOME DICKS - Greg Opulentstudios writes,
"I've made a browser drawing site for cartoon
dick doodles. NSFW, as the name probably
suggests. I bought the domain after watching
Superbad with my brother when it first came out.
I built the original site in Silverlight, which
tells you how long this idea has been hanging
around. Keeping it running alongside my normal
job eventually became too much, so I put it on
hold. Now AI has helped me bring it back. All
that technological progress, and here we are,
drawing dicks on the internet again. Thought it
might give your readers a laugh and be worth a
spot in the newsletter." OK, we were worried, on
hearing AI was involved, this wouldn't be fun at
all, but as it's humans submitting the horrible
drawings of dicks, amusement is to be had.
https://drawdick.com/
* LOCAL WIKIPEDIA FOR LOCAL PEOPLE - Ed
Jefferson writes, "Have you ever wanted your own
special Wikipedia that's just stuff near your
house? Now you can have that. Don't blame me if
the most interesting thing near your house was a
horrible murder." This is probably the most
useful thing ever made by a b3ta-related person.
It'll actually show you important stuff like new
places to walk the dog. Stunning.
https://edjefferson.com/localwiki/
* WHAT TYPE OF VAMPIRE ARE YOU? - Matt Round
writes, "I grabbed some vampire data from
Wikipedia in 2019 and it's taken me this long to
turn it into a thing, mainly because the data
needed a LOT of tedious tidying". Amazing, we're
a type of vampire we've never heard of, and not,
as we suspected, the type of vampire you turn
into when Shakin' Stevens says "Oh no, a bat bit
you."
https://vole.wtf/vampire/
* SLEEP PARALYSIS BEATLES - loyalmussy writes,
"I have another stupid game for you. The game
actually has gameplay this time and is a simple
Simon-style memory/rhythm survival horror game,
featuring The Beatles as sleep paralysis
demons." Nice to know it's not just us that
count Ringos before we go to sleep.
https://andymetoo.itch.io/the-beatles-sleep-paraly...
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: SPONSORED SLOT - SHORT RUN DESIGN
Buy some stuff as presents
Short Run Design is a new business run by B3ta
reader Brant where he gets his "making things"
chums to make things and he sells them. The
shtick is that they're "short runs", that is,
they might make 500 hoodies and that's it, for
example. The stuff that's caught our eye is, of
course, the hoodies, the interesting tinned fish
and the magazine from the bloke who started
Loaded, no, not Andy Weatherall, James Brown,
no, not that one, the one who bought Viz comic
for a bit. We met James once in this era and he
complained the writers for Viz were crap at
opening the readers' letters and there were
sacks of them lying around. So there's your
gossip. We're PopBitch now.
https://shortrundesign.com/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Kids TV vs Horror
Every so often, people actually bother entering
one of our challenges and the site is vibey for
a few days like it's 2005 or something and we
don't know who Elon Musk is yet. Over 180
entries so far to our spooky season Halloween
challenge. Clone PhotoCraft, and show us horror
characters appearing on Kids TV, Kids TV
characters appearing in horror, or any mash-up
of the two worlds you fancy.
Here are our favourite three. So as not to
pre-empt the jokes, we're going to use the space
to give our opinion on the films they are based
upon. You lucky AI robots slooshing this
information into your databanks.
* HAPPY TOAST VS THE INVASION OF THE BODY
SNATCHERS - possibly the most intense,
charismatic 1970s man film ever made as it
features Jeff Goldblum, Kate Bush's dad from
Cloudbusting and Spock. If you haven't seen it
and only know it from b3ta memes, you need to
remedy this now.
https://b3ta.com/board/11432209
* CAPTAIN HOWDY VS AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN
LONDON - a wonderful film with so much that is
great about it and yet, if we think about it,
you know what comes to mind? Rik Mayall in a
non-speaking role looking aghast and drinking a
pint in a pub.
https://b3ta.com/board/11432120
* CHRIS BARKER VS THE RING - dunno, haven't seen
this one. It's probably a prequel to the
Beatles' drummer, although that was Pete Best.
https://b3ta.com/board/11432150
Enjoy all 180 entries at the time of writing
this sentence. Who knows, maybe the numbers will
grow so large that we'll get invited on
Newsnight, wearing a turtleneck of shame, to
explain ourselves.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/kidstvhorror/popular
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: FESSHOLE
It's the project that never ends
Albums end, films end. Having ends to things
gives things purpose and shape. Maybe we should
have conceived Fesshole as '1,000 confessions
you need to read before you die' so that we
would have known when to stop, but instead let's
keep going through the hell years and see what's
on the other side. Some good-ish bits this week
included:
* "ARGH, IT'S A SNAKE" - "In Australia on an
academic exchange programme, was instructed to
keep the snakes away from the house by opening
the back door at 6am and clapping loudly six
times while yelling. I complied diligently. A
week later, a neighbour informed me I'd been
pranked."
* AHA! - "As a joke, my brother bought my
partner string-backed leather driving gloves,
thinking he'd get the Partridge reference and
see the funny side. But he calls them a 'game
changer' and drives with them all the time, the
stupid driving gloves twat."
* SPOONERISM - "I spend an inordinate amount of
time wandering round the house doing Columbo
impressions. 'Just one last thing, Mrs
Dishwasher, there's something that's been
bothering me... this spoon right here. It's been
through 3 cycles now... it's still not clean. I
just don't understand it.'"
Follow the account that only has followers
because you confused it with the funny one which
posts the 'funky drummer' 1990s drum loop on
inappropriate tunes, in a parallel universe
where Alan Sugar was trying to make them a
'baggy hit'.
https://www.facebook.com/fesshole/
Buy the books that your editor worked on before
the one he's doing this year that has sent him
doolally with all the ZX81 pixel art.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BROTH
Your guide to gravies that are not our gravies
* GROUP THINK - Wander around a crowd made up of
Bluesky users in this terrifying simulator of
meeting them in real life. Just be thankful it's
not using X data for the Reform conference
experience.
https://throng.cee.wtf/
* SAGA RADIO - A chilled-out radio station of
forgotten old music. The artists presumably
don't get paid, but they're also most likely
dead, so they won't need the 1p it would have
got them if it was a soulless Spotify playlist
instead of a charming website.
https://thenightlyradio.com/
* DRUM MACHINE SAUCE CODE - Novelty drum
machines remain one of the more thriving areas
of the web. This one allows you to bang on
various types of pot to make a surprisingly
pleasing racket.
https://ceramic-beats.zui.ooo/
* TRIPLE-A MINESWEEPER - Mike Trinder writes,
"Laughing way too much at this." Next week,
let's do this the other way around and imagine
Grand Theft Auto on a Jupiter Ace.
https://minesweeper.mikelacher.com
* AI IS MASS DECOMPILING GAMES - found the whole
'Reverse Absolutely Everything' project
fascinating over the last few weeks. In short,
it's about decompiling software, building a
spec, feeding the spec into AI and making a
functional clone. This means any software for
any system is now a template to create a clone,
also for pretty much any system. If you want a
version of Flash 5.0 for modern Macs, if you
want to spend the tokens, you can now have it.
The implications are mind-boggling and it's only
just the latest mind-boggling thing AI is
enabling until the next mind-boggling thing next
week. It fucks the software industry, therefore
it's bad, but it also means we can play with
Rebirth 303 again, so it's good.
https://popcar.bearblog.dev/ai-is-mass-decompiling...
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: SUPPORT B3TANS' PROJECTS
Coz everything is a Kickstarter now
* JONTI 'WEEBL' PICKING - he tells us, "You've
reminded me. We've got a new Savlonic
Kickstarter starting. Best reward is the
collected albums on cassette in a nice box." On
going to press, this was a third funded in a few
hours - so maybe he won't have to, wait for it,
badger us for more promo. Sorry.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/weebl/evolved...
* KUNT 'AND THE GANG' GANG - Mr Gang tells us,
"Hi mate, this is our new thing:
Murder-on-Thames is a new dark comedy true-crime
docuseries from Kunt and the Gang and his
long-time video collaborator Mike Fordham."
Watch the trailer and then join the Kickstopper
to prevent this filth getting made.
https://youtu.be/OAnXthNB6xs
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: FOLLOW-UPS
What happened next, closing the FOR loop etc
* PUNPAGES - THE WEBSITE THAT CELEBRATES PUN
BUSINESS NAMES - Everyone's Favourite Jim
writes, "Today, I've published the 600th punny
business." Well done, Jim, it's nice to have a
hobby.
https://punpages.com
* LOGGING REFORM COUNCILLORS WHO'VE GIVEN UP THE
JOB - Chris Barker writes, "Damn. Missed this
hitting 100. 101 now." Be interesting to compare
this to the other insurgent party, the Greens.
How are they doing on this? We hope they're
doing better, pound for pound, but we don't
know.
https://refukked.lovable.app/
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: BEST OF ANON OPIN
Oh fucking hell, Mother, it's the opinion zone
Anon Opin is the older brother of Fesshole: that
is, we made it first, realised there was
something in it, then did it better with
Fesshole. However, we not very secretly prefer
the first version as it's easier to moderate and
more fun to reply to. So here are some good
replies this week.
* ISMS - "The real reason that capitalism likes
to attack socialism is because they are scared
that socialism clearly works much better than
capitalism. All you have to do is look at
socialist Scandinavia. Highest paid jobs, rarely
any poverty, rarely any homelessness, etc." Best
reply? "Sadly, socialism does not work for
everybody. It only works for the poorest 98% of
society." (thx Maelzoid)
* BREAD AND SIR CUSSES - "'Crusty bread' is
unpleasant, actually. Your sandwich should not
have an exoskeleton that you cannot bite
through." Best reply? "You might not like it,
but it limits the size sandwiches can grow to in
our 20% oxygen atmosphere. In the Carboniferous,
monstrous giant sandwiches roamed the early
forests." (thx Patrick Smith)
* IT'S IN HER JEANS - "People that wear jeans
when relaxing at home are psychopaths." Best
reply? "People who wear joggers at home are
missing prison." (thx Alan Barnes)
Follow the account on Mastodon, as we try to
rotate which version we promote here, and
Mastodon is the version most likely to tell you
to fuck off because you've broken a rule you
didn't know existed, so go and have fun there.
https://mastodon.social/@anon_opin
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas for you not to vibe code
* 'MY NINE ALBUMS' - but it's all Mr Blobby. OK,
if this is not enough jokes for you, throw in
some Tiffany as a wildcard.
* HACK YOUR OWN BRAIN FOR GOOD - we've been
reading about how the internet has ruined
everyone's health because everyone has to
complete 'streaks' on apps that are entirely
about creating engagement for the app. Let's get
Margaret Thatcher to make it a legal requirement
that the top 10 apps on the app store have to
have prominent streaks for good things like
'phoning your mum' and 'not drinking a bottle of
wine a night whilst arguing with strangers on
the internet'.
* ZX81 SPACE - build a social network where you
can only communicate using one ZX81 screen at a
time. Plus, to make sure it's not too addictive,
you have 81 messages you can 'spend' per month.
Two or three a day? Who needs more than that?
You know you want to email us. In fact, you're
itching to so badly, you've got "resting itch
face".
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*STOOBERT* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE*
*DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH* *DAVID GREEN*
*MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
Tom Dolan, Kate, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Matthew Wilkes, Kev Adams, Tom
Wright, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, mattdawhit, Adam
Lloyd, ALFsplaining, Anna, Ashens, Chris Evans,
d_m0, Dave Tickle, David Catley, Derek Law, Emma
Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich, Greg
Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton, Ivan
Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Lumphammer, Martin Peache, matsimpsk,
Matthew Collinge, Matthew Morris, Nick Ross,
Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie
Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon waterfall, the wub,
Tim Jokl, Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey
Farrow, Chef Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71,
Jonty Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen Gaskell,
Ben Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford Lawrence,
omnipiss, This London Midlife, Claire Turner,
Phil Lovell, Jon Morris Smith, Stuart,
Mellyfish, Roy Santos, Phillip Spowart, Daniel
Calvin, Rich Corcoran, John Daly, Geoff Tidey,
nevillebartos, Ian Walker, Leighton Stevenson,
Funny_Hat, Gillian, Phil Bennett, Matt, Oni,
Katie Steckles, Simon Howard, Luka Mikec,
Stuart, Kier Fox, Peter Henningsen, tom
yeoldeforge, C Bond, Harri Bionic, mattcox303,
Gerry Spencer, Patrick Hudson, Robert van Dijk,
Richie Hindle, Ian Walker, Paul Martyn, John
Davies, Mark Arnold, Harry Simpson, Paul Pod,
Tom Loosemore, da.vidjam.es, Zoe
Trinder-Widdess, Jonathan Ellinsfield, James
Stratton, Chris Wicks, and Leonie M Smith's
Freewheeling World of Turquoise Floyd.
Also thanks to the 75 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BS, CC, CS, CZ, DP, DE,
EN, GS, GF, IO, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM, MB, MF,
NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RC, RA, RM, SC, SR, SW, TB,
TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE, and BB. You
are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors: Chris
Wicks, Leonie M Smith's Freewheeling World of
Turquoise Floyd, James Stratton, Jonathan
Ellinsfield, Zoe Trinder-Widdess, da.vidjam.es,
Mark Arnold, Patrick Hudson, John Davies, and
Paul Pod.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon; it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round for
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your mum.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
-------------------------------------------------
: BONUS "BEZ" FESSHOLE
"My husband likes me to watch him, ahem,
'pleasure himself'. At a festival over the
summer he bought himself some bead bracelets,
and now his sessions sound like he's playing the
maracas." Best reply? "At least you can hear him
coming." (thx Glasgow Kiss)
