NEWSLETTER: "AS WELCOME IN YOUR INBOX AS A SEQUEL TO TOM SPEWS' DAYS OF CHUNDER"
* CYRIAK - making a splash with a whale
* MOVIE GAME - cast your own films & see 'em flop
* DRAWING GAME - are you the worst police artist?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | remembering the good bits
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| & telling your mum..."
B3ta news-e-letter 997, 4th Sept 2026
Read this issue impersonating the Speaking Cock:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue997
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their pets hungry for eyes
* CYRIAK VS SEA LIFE - Mutated Monty AKA Cyriak
is back with a happy whale animation, which he
WAS going to post on our board directly, but was
beaten by 'Blugg' so he was condemned to only
reply to his own material. Still, he has made a
work of genius, and your day will be better for
having watched.
https://b3ta.com/links/1633912
* DESIGN YOUR OWN MOVIE GAME - MovieCast writes,
"I recently made Movie Cast, a free browser game
where you build fictional movies using real
actors and directors, then see how they perform
critically and at the box office. I'd love my
project, pimped please." OK then, consider your
project pimped.
https://www.moviecast.app
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You know, it's the buy the clothes bit
Is it cold yet? Then it's time to buy bulky
clothes from Hebtro to keep you warm all winter.
Or maybe it's blisteringly hot, and they can
help you there too. Yes your newsletter editor
is writing this five days before publication so
he doesn't know the weather. All made in the UK,
to the highest standards, designed to last and
ideal for the tricksy men in your life who are
hard to buy for, or even yourself.
https://hebtro.co/department/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Simply the fess. Fesser than all the rest.
You know how this works: you fill in a form, and
we publish some of it, and then a handful of
fesses get into the newsletter every week, to
punish those who've managed to avoid our social
media behemoth. Some cock-ticklers this week
include:
* MEAT THE WIFE - "Was flirting with a girl once
who told me she was vegan. Asked her what her
opinion was on blow-jobs, considering her
veganism. 'Oh I'd never put a suffering animal
in my mouth' Twenty years on and it's still the
best put down I've ever received."
* COLD KILLER - "A woman was rude to me on the
train today, so I Googled the book she was
reading and told her who the murderer was."
* BREAKING UP - "I was 17 and my girlfriend's
mum came on to me. I resisted but never told my
girlfriend. We broke up 4 years later and she
said 'you know why.' I assumed because I didn't
tell her. Met her again last week and
apologised. She didn't know her mum came on to
me. She just hated my moustache."
Follow the account that genuinely is doing "ok"
on Instagram, although Facebook is constantly a
bit fucked and it's a shame we can't really
boast about the Twitter numbers because the
whole platform is evil. Bugger.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Buy the books that many readers consider better
than the Bible, well, more jokes anyway.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BEEF
Your guide to the internet outside B3ta
* ACTUALLY FUN DRAWING GAME - Neal Dotfun's back
with more internet gold. You're a police artist
using MS Paint and must draw the criminal being
described to you. Won't say any more, as it's a
nice reveal what's actually going on when you've
sketched the first one.
https://neal.fun/unusual-suspects/
* WALKABLE CITIES - a neat little game that
offers little puzzles based on walking, with the
space bar controlling each foot. Reminds us of
how we sometimes forget how to walk, with enough
beer.
https://nartier.itch.io/walkable-cities
* PLAY BALL FOOT - It seems a rite of passage
for every game dev to make a Sokoban clone in
order to learn level design. Not quite Egg Egg
on the Humax Digibox, but this football-themed
take has enough novelty to stand out from the
pack.
https://axylaric.itch.io/soko-striker
* SPACE CONSOLE - Watch space launches live in
ASCII on your terminal. We think the data's
real, anyway. To be honest, we just typed SUDO
LAUNCH and enjoyed the animation. Should try
logging on the next SpaceX one to see how they
handle an explosion.
https://spacecat.watch/
* TETRIS ON 248 MINIVACS - don't ask us to
explain this, basically a minivac is a bunch of
relays you can make a logic circuit from, and if
you hack enough of them together you can make a
solid-state Tetris. Of course.
https://minivac.greg.technology/tetris/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Product Placement Books
Here are the best images from this week:
* 'Chris Barker' has put the super into markets
https://b3ta.com/board/11430751
* 'Fitzpirate' is pre-empting the Johnny Depp
reboot of Scrooge
https://b3ta.com/board/11430841
* 'BRB' is making a whole library
https://b3ta.com/board/11430740
* See all the other images from the 'Product
Placement Books' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/productplacementbooks/po...
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: BEST ANONYMOUS OPINIONS
It's opinion time, muddy-funsters
OK sometimes we claim we hate this bit, but it's
not true, your editor loves replying to opinions
to the point that at one of the Fesshole LIVE
shows an audience member said to him, "Oh I
didn't realise you ran these things, I kept
seeing your name and thought you were a massive
'reply guy'"
Anyway - three good replies this week, and fuck
off to the person who actually wrote in to
complain that their reply got more favs and we
didn't run it. We use our editorial sense, not
simply numbers like we're vibe-editor
outsourcing to data.
* KIDS TODAY - "When I first started out, I was
warned that the next generation would be a huge
threat to our jobs as they would be 'digital
natives'. In reality, I now have to manage a
bunch of kids who seem to have never used a
mouse before and complain that Excel doesn't
work on their phone" Best reply? "Excel will
work on a phone. But it has to be a cell phone."
(thx Bryann Thomas)
* TOPICAL - "Jerry & Margot voted Remain. Him
because he worked for a firm that imported and
exported and he actually understood their
business, and her because 'I simply have never
been able to stand any man called Nigel.' Tom
was Lexit. Barbara voted Remain but told Tom she
voted Leave." Best reply? "Tom, as ever, the
villain of the piece." (thx Scrounge)
* UNDERGROUND HUMOUR - "When a funeral is over,
and the hearse is driving back empty with just
the undertakers in. Conversations in the hearse
must be like, the widow is fit, isn't she, or he
was a heavy bloke or that was a quality casket
or bet her kids are in for a small fortune."
Best reply? "After we buried my father I took a
lift back off the undertakers. One of them
pointed and said 'That field? There's an Iron
Age village under there. I go out with a
detector on weekends, see what I can find.' I
said 'So for a change of pace you go out and dig
things up?'" (thx Marktech)
Follow the account that... Actually somehow this
account now has 80k followers on Threads, and we
didn't notice. But nah, not linking to Threads,
it's weird over there.
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next or bitty bits that don't fit
* JOEL VEITCH DOING A LONDON GIG, FREE TOYS FOR
B3TANS - the crabbiest bloke writes, "We are
playing live! Friday 9th October at the New
Cross Inn, London. We are doing our only live
show of the year soon! Woohoo! It's going to be
a 7 Seconds Of Love ska set, but with a break in
the middle for some less hectic Rathergood songs
like We Like The Moon and The Wrong Bananas. It
is going to be SUPER FUN! I'm also thinking I'll
give away a free rathergood toy to anyone who
comes dressed as a rathergood character or wears
a soup hat. If you are a b3ta person, which you
obviously are or you wouldn't be reading this,
I'll give you a free toy too if you come and say
hello. YAY!"
https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/7-seconds-of-love-t...
* ATTEND WEEBL'S GIG, OK WATCH A VIDEO OF IT FOR
TEN DOLLARS - The badger-botherer writes,
"Couldn't make it to the gig but really wanted
to see it?" The video is here for your cold,
hard cash.
https://www.patreon.com/mrweebl/posts/mr-weebl-liv...
* B3TA ADS WORK - Brant from Short Run Design
writes, "Rob - the promo has been very
successful. The b3ta code is the best performing
discount code out of any that I've run. Which is
just brilliant. I think a simple grey hoodie
lands with the majority of people very well."
Discount code - b3ta20 - gives £20 off and free
UK shipping, great hoodies, reader you should
get one. Also if you sell products, you should
buy ads in the greatest newsletter ever written.
https://shortrundesign.com/product/srd-hoodie-v1/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to fiddle with your brain's G-spot
Actually, this week, let's fuck with the format
and jive some ideas that are morally bankrupt
and you shouldn't make.
* GIG BOT - the panic one could cause with a bot
that randomly replied to the type of people who
*might* do a talk or gig, going "looking forward
to seeing you on stage in Manchester in 30 mins"
* COMEDIAN BOT - a bot that replies to comedians
doing jokes on social media and says, "I thought
it was funnier when @[other comedian] made the
same joke" and starts a row.
* SPELLING BOT - a bot that looks for common
typos and tells them their English is excellent
for someone learning the language and they
shouldn't be discouraged.
Yeah go on, make a thing, but not one of the
above, and tell us about it, what's the worst
that could happen? You could end up a
millionaire like Alex Tew did, because true
fact, the Million Dollar Home Page was launched
in this very newsletter.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*STOOBERT* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE*
*PHILBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH*
*DAVID GREEN* *MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
Tom Dolan, Kate, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Matthew Wilkes, Kev Adams, Tom
Wright, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, mattdawhit, Adam
Lloyd, ALFsplaining, Anna, Ashens, Chris Evans,
d_m0, Dave Tickle, David Catley, David Mills,
Derek Law, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain
Ruxton, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason
Stewart, Jim Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude
Evans, Kate Devlin, Lumphammer, Martin Peache,
matsimpsk, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Morris,
Nick Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong,
Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob
Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, the wub, Tim Jokl,
Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
Chef Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71, Jonty
Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben
Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford Lawrence, omnipiss,
Simon Balch, Claire Turner, Phil Lovell, Jon
Morris Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish, Roy Santos,
Phillip Spowart, Daniel Calvin, Rich Corcoran,
John Daly, Geoff Tidey, nevillebartos, Ian
Walker, Leighton Stevenson, Funny_Hat, Gillian,
Phil Bennett, Matt, Oni, Katie Steckles, Simon
Howard, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Kier Fox, Peter
Henningsen, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond, Harri
Bionic, mattcox303, Gerry Spencer, Patrick
Hudson, Robert van Dijk, Richie Hindle, Ian
Walker, Paul Martyn, John Davies, Mark Arnold,
Harry Simpson, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore,
da.vidjam.es, Zoe Trinder-Widdess, and Jonathan
Ellinsfield.
Also thanks to the 76 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BS, CC, CS, CZ, DP, DE,
EN, GS, GF, IO, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM, MB, MF,
NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RC, RA, RM, RS, SC, SR, SW,
TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE, and BB.
You are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors:
Jonathan Ellinsfield, Zoe Trinder-Widdess,
da.vidjam.es, Mark Arnold, Patrick Hudson, John
Davies, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry Spencer,
and Harry Simpson.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "CHESS THE MUSICAL" FESSHOLE
"My ex cheated on me. She moved in with her new
boyfriend. A week later I went to pick up the
kids. Stood in the living room noticed an
expensive-looking chess board. Twenty-five years
later and two house moves I still have a bishop
that once belonged to a certain chess board."
Best reply? "Revenge pawn?" (thx Philip Lickley)
