NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU DRINK EVERY DAY YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC. THANK GOD WE ONLY DRINK EVERY NIGHT"
This Week:
* PHOTOS - Symmetry Flickr toy
* GET RICH QUICK - YOUR guide on how to do it
* VIDEO - Rejected Bond Theme
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________ ____ __ ___
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 340 - 8 AUG 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue340/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Top Secret
Ever wondered how you would react in a life or
death situation? Upload your photo - put
yourself in the picture for the Spooks Code 9
interactive video.
http://tinyurl.com/55mb87
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Not 1, not 2, not 3 but 4 links, count 'em
>> Mirror image generator <<
"Here's a little project I've been working on
this week," beams xlcus. "It grabs photos from
Flickr on any subject you like (e.g. kittens,
or other fluffy things) and then presents them
as pairs of mirrored halves." Adds a new level
of weirdness to lolcats btw.
http://symmetry.sytes.org/
>> Hairless mouse mutants <<
Not sure if propagating horrid rodent/scrotum
hybrids counts as 'making' but 2roxfox boasts
"I breed these mutants in my shed and am
accused by neighbours of attracting snakes."
Those snakes have strong stomachs, my friend.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/2roxfox/sets/72157603...
>> Listy social network thingy <<
Log, of Law of the Playground fame, has a
spanky new project on the go. "Listopia is
built on the love of lists, and adding to them.
If you like lists, adding to lists, or even
starting lists and having other people add to
them, then may I humbly suggest Listopia: the
place that can't stop using the word lists."
Good results so far...!
http://www.listopia.co.uk
>> The Wrong Door <<
Blimey. Mr Wheatley's only gone and landed a
full-on comedy series on BBC Three. Should be
coming to your screens "soon" but here is a
taster. BTW, on the basis that the best is at
the top, the BBC's scheduling press release
rates it very highly. Much, much better than
Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/the_wrong_door:2
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Get Rich Quick
We wanted to know the best way of getting rich
quickly. Because, frankly, writing the QOTW
bit of this newsletter every week isn't quite
cutting it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/getrichquick/
* DRUGS - "This is not to be recommended if you
are middle class and soft, like every braying
bastard Sebastian and Jack at Glastonbury since
the mid-90s. We found two teenage boys snivelling
outside the Christian Aid tent and asked them what
was wrong: "We spent a grand on a block of hash
to sell. We got in, and went up to this bloke and
asked him if he wanted any drugs. He said 'great,
thanks', pulled out a knife and took the drugs,
and our wallets, kicked us up the arse and then
walked off whistling."
(debbie meadon's secret extra armpit)
* DI DIED - "We were doing a car boot sale the
day Di lost an argument with a pillar, and there
was loads of gossip about whether she was actually
gone. I strolled to the shop to buy a paper to
confirm the news that she had indeed died. We
took one look at the Charles and Di wedding plate
we were selling that had been studiously ignored
all morning, took off the one pound sticker and
replaced it with a twenty quid sticker. Sold
within 10 minutes."
(Halfy)
* DEAR RYANAIR - "1) You are a bunch of rich cunts.
But, unfortunately, you're proud of that fact. 2)
You hate people. You hate your staff. You hate your
passengers. Your contempt for people is utterly
unparalleled. They hate you. It's fine. However,
your flights are astonishingly cheap. 3) I have
the solution to your PR. It will make you nicer
and people might not hate you as much. Therefore
ultimately richer! 4) Here's a clue. I would rather
pay 50 quid IN ONE GO for a flight, than a flight
advertised at a pound with 49 pounds worth of hidden
extras because every time you do this I feel like I
am being raped by a stupid Irish cock. You make me
feel like shit. Which is why I fly Easyjet now.
Who incidentally, are like a Bugatti Veyron to
your rusty Reliant Robin. 5) Make the inside of
your planes SLIGHTLY nicer. Just tone down that
fucking yellow. 6) Michael Leary, whatever your name
is... You are a cunt. 7) Profit!"
(I have run out of coke )
>> This Week's Question <<
Bled recently? Been somewhere that looked like the
inside of Dexter's lab? Got a hurty finger? Talk to
us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/blood/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Mythological creatures <<
Unicorns: maybe just a pre-op horse to you, but
we're happy now the credit crunch has hit and
advertising staff are being paid in LSD. For
only drugs, yes, mind-expanding psychedelics,
can explain a world where this concept is
approved to flog a dating website. BTW:
Wikipedia reckons a unicorn's horn will
neutralise poison; which is much like the
day-dream we had the other day where we could
spread an anti-AIDS virus using our cocks.
Hooray!
http://tenreasonsitwouldruletodateaunicorn.com/
>> Painty optical illusions <<
Pop stars! Want a great location for your new
music video? Head on down to Eureka Tower car
park in Melbourne Australia and let the
apparently crazy but actually rather clever
sign-writing make the TV fatties press redial on
those request-a-vid TV channels. You might want
some ladies in gold pants too. We know we do.
http://snurl.com/gotthepaintersin [www_ridelust_com]
>> Brian May sexy fiction <<
This is why the government should bring back
national service for homosexuals - they clearly
haven't got enough to do and they're reduced to
writing (admittedly extremely amusing) slash
fiction fantasies about our nation's favourite
celebrities.
http://howthegoodlooknaked.wordpress.com/
>> Are you a bird or a bloke? <<
The internet has the power to tell, based on
what websites are in your browser history.
Although it didn't work for us as we keep the
cache emptied lest our official b3ta wife espy
just how long we spend looking at photos of
naked ladies. BTW: If you still can't tell if
you're a lady or a man, then try throwing a
ball. If you've just gone, "Ooh, no, I'm
inside," then you're definitely a woman.
http://snurl.com/ladydar [www_mikeonads_com]
>> Animals squashed against glass <<
Looking for a new animal photograph-based meme?
Bored of icanhascheezburger, gapingmaws.com and
catsthatlooklikehitler.com? You need 'animals
squashed against glass'. Not the snappiest
title, but it does what it says on the tin.
http://snurl.com/10secondwonders [www_bestweekever_tv]
>> Mawkish non lols <<
"The other week I made a joke about Alzheimer's
live on TV. You should have seen the envelopes
I got," Jasper Carrot once joked, so if you see
him around, send him the link to this rather
moving photographic account of a 98-year-old man
and his daily struggle with his own memory. We
hope Jasper never suffers the indignity of
Alzheimer's. We hope he gets cancer instead.
In his bum.
http://www.dayswithmyfather.com/
>> Critter computer case <<
When case mods and taxidermy meet there's only
one loser - the beaver. BTW: If you meet an
annoying casemod nerd, here's how to wind him
up. Say, "Oh that's really cute. It's like when
teenage girls customise their phones with
stickers."
http://snurl.com/mumsloveubuntu [www_geekologie_com]
>> Desperate money-making scam of the week? <<
The interweb is a fruit machine - if you know
how to game it you can make it pay out. Alex
Tew did well with his million-dollar home page,
earlier this week there was the $999 iPhone app
sold on the theory 'it's a way of showing off
how rich you are' and the latest? Flush a
dollar down the toilet - yep a real dollar.
Sign up using Paypal. We predict a net profit
of $43.
http://www.flushabuck.com/
>> New perverts! <<
Thank God for Flickr, without it we wouldn't
know about our new favourite fetishist. He
likes stepping fully-clothed into a swimming
pool and taking photos of his pant bulge. We've
added him as a friend, as we're all Web 2.0.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/soaked2008/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
An exquisite kitten
Adorable baby calico cat lounges fetchingly in
a variety of appealing locales; baskets,
bowls, you name it. The comments do go a bit
mental though. Never use Google in anger.
http://www.karmapanda.com/gatito-exquisito/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Blink rapidly and pretend they're flickbooks
>> The amazing lyrebird <<
Softly-spoken wildlife supremo David
Attenborough introduces us to the vocal
stylings of Australia's lyrebird. To be honest,
this actually had us going until the
Seinfeld-esque slap bass.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Amazing_Lyrebird_of_...
>> Christian drum'n'bass <<
Some evangelical types give praise to Jesus
through the medium of dance. That's something
we can all respect.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Evangelical_Drum_and_Bas...
>> Rejected Bond Theme <<
Spoof film soundtrack put together by someone
with only the vaguest knowledge of, or
interest in, the plot.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Quantum_of_Solace_potent...
>> Westwood meets Jay-Z <<
38-year-old rapper Jay-Z gets together with
50-year-old disk jockey Tim Westwood at the
Glastonbury festival. They really, really do
talk a load of old shit though, don't they?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Westwood_and_Jay_Z
>> Rainbow conspiracy! <<
Conspiracy buffs and general nutcases are two
a penny on teh interwebs. But this lady
deserves special mention for her firmly-held
belief that rainbows are there because of
government conspiracy.
http://www.break.com/index/insane-rainbow-conspira...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Retards & Peados, B3ta as per usual
* RETARDEX - "clinically proven to eliminate
bad breath" although with modern screening
there is less of a need for this these days.
http://www.periproducts.co.uk/retardex.asp
* PEDIALYTE - "helps kids feel better fast",
keep telling yourself that Mr Nabokov.
http://pedialyte.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Hats Challenge
Last week featured one of our legendary
one-word challenges: hats.
Your favourites included:
* RITZY - nightmarish, freakish, entirely
unpleasant animation. Also rather beautiful.
(HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8610693
* VINTAGE - this lady has breasts. Oh, and a
hat. (kingsuperspecial)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8612245
* POEM - Edward Lear's owl/pussy pairing in
near-disaster scenario. (Tribs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8612737
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hats/
>> New challenge: Recession <<
How is the down turn in the global economy
going to affect us? What changes are we going
to see in the not-too-distant future? Are we
screwed? Show us. Challenge suggested by Holly
Would
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/recession/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ELECTRIC TEA EXPERIMENT - orbrey's secondary
school science training reveals that it's more
efficient to boil water in a kettle than on a
gas hob "because the element heats the water
directly therefore less heat is lost to the
environment." A grateful nation salutes you.
* BAD MOVIE TITLE - 'Jism' was a pretty poor name,
but pixelmixer submits for our perusal 'Help,
I'm Being Crushed to Death by a Black
Rectangle.' Pornotastic?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0475606/
* SHEEP'S PRINTER is a laser printer, not an
inkjet at all LIKE WE THOUGHT. Thanks to the
vigilant pedantry of Amos E Wolfe for catching
that one. We've learned our lesson: NO MORE
JOKES IN THE NEWSLETTER.
* BREAD FROM PASTA - apparently there actually IS
a bread crisis in Italy rather than it being
just a crap joke from last newsletter. Who
knew? Anyway, crackhouseceilidhband informs us
that inflated European grain prices mean
grinding pasta to make bread is non-viable.
Bah. Let them eat pizza!
* 2 CUPS + 1 BAG = BAD - Our technique for
eking out the b3ta tea-bag stores apparently
results in only the first cup containing
nourishing, life-giving caffeine. This
info-bombshell from TechImp has sparked off
furtive cup-swapping shenanigans every time we
take a break. Or Rob is trying to poison me.
http://snurl.com/coughsplutterchoke [en_wikipedia_org]
* JORDAN/PETER ANDRE BOOK - luvtub beams, "WAAAY
back in Newsletter #261 you featured a piece on
the magic that was the collaboration between
pop-washout Peter Andre and his
wife/model-turned-horrible-warbler Katie Price.
Here lies a fitting coda to that story,
featuring 40,000 birdshit-covered copies of
their album and a video of the hapless couple
in action."
http://snurl.com/awholepooworld [new_uk_music_yahoo_com]
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: FRIDAY GAME
Most common words
Can you guess what are the 50 most-used words
in the English language? Sadly 'lol' and 'teh'
aren't there.
http://snurl.com/commonwords [codebox_no-ip_net]
Continuing our game diary for E4, this week
there's about 4 pages of it as we horrifically
overwrote.
http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-02.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* AIR DRUM - write a Flash thing that works
with a webcam, so you can mine drum parts and
hear them WITH YOUR EARS.
* BARIO 64 - hack the old N64 ROM and replace
the speech samples with Brummie accents.
* POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE - "Dear Bono, wish
you were here" - Ok we've nicked this joke from
NME circa 1990.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by stevethedalek,
hollyloveshercamera, dj2323. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol via MICK THE MAG.
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TOP TIP:
Avoid parking tickets by removing your
windscreen wipers (Mime)
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SICKIPEDIA:
Barry George, the guy just acquitted of Jill
Dando's murder, has vowed to never stalk women
again after eight years in prison. Don't be too
hard on yourself, Barry, since you went in
they've invented Facebook and we're all fucking
at it now.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
