This Week: * BILL WYMAN - in the B3ta newsletter at last * TABLOID NEWSPAPERS - Are stinky and smell * IMAGE CHALLENGE - How food is REALLY made... ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Entering the 'Frog Chorus' ___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | part of our Paul McCartney __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| metaphor-based life-span" B3ta email 370 - 20 Mar 2009 The newsletter without the Yahoo! cruft: http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue370/ "Follow": b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com "Unfollow": b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Daily TV newsletter tvBite.com tells you what's on telly, gives you a comedy recipe, some wine offers, a competition and a load of old rubbish about TV stars from some bored journalists. It's free, funny and um, free. At best, it'll sort your evening out. At worst, it's something to read on the internet. Make sure you check out the sample edition and then sign up. (The story at the end about Shane Richie is funny btw.) http://www.tvbite.com >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Wyman, Women and one woman in particular >> Bill Wyman's metal detector << The Rolling Stone's Bill Wyman is famous for many things: * Courting peadotroversy by dating the 13 year old failbait Mandy Smith. * Being surprising old for a 1960s popstar - he was 30 in 1966, about 7 years older than Mick & Keef. * Turning an enjoyable bass riff into a Ian Dury pastiche with Je Suis Un Rock Star. Also notable for its nonce-sense lyric, "They'll think I'm your dad and you're my daughter." Anyway, hopefully old Bill will now be famous for one more thing: Swedemason taking his dribbling about metal detectors and turning it into something rather special indeed. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bill_Wymans_metal_detect... >> Loose Women with squeaky voices << ITVs Loose Women is a TV gameshow where menopausal women win valuable incontinence pants - depending on which one of them has the most ill-informed opinion. Ladma is attempting to up the gag count by giving them even sillier voices than they already have. Well done! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Loose_Women >> Tabloid journalist in hypocrisy shock << Paula Murray, tabloid journalist and all round bad egg has enraged the internets recently with her Sunday Express story reporting on school shooting survivors "shaming the memory of their dead peers" by sticking up photos of themselves on Facebook behaving like teenagers. Graham Linehan of Father Ted co-write fame has a clear take on it all here: http://snurl.com/righteousblogging Also of interest is our very own Manic who's hunted down the journalist's own boozy Facebook postings in an attempt to give her a taste of her own medicine. Ouch. Particularly the "spinster aunt" comment. http://www.bloggerheads.com/archives/2009/03/paula... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Penises, penises and more penises Last week we asked what thing you were most ashamed of doing with a penis: http://b3ta.com/questions/pythonshame/ * NAPKIN RING - "As some of you know, I'm into piercing, but watching a tattooed bloke grasp your manhood and shove a 3.2mm needle clean through it is a walk in the park compared to watching blood gush from your shaft as you use oily pliers to tease out last shards of pewter napkin ring and crushed lumps of ceramic cutting disk after a misguided attempt at a DIY cock ring." (Humpty Dumpty was Pushed) * PERSONAL CALL - "I swear, I was sending... um...pictures...of...um...its glory...to my g/f at the time. But to take the picture to send, I had gone to my office toilets and taken a look at some pictures that she had previously sent me. Until I was, you know, 'ready'. Then I snapped away, got a couple of shots that showed me in a flattering light and sent one. My phone was fairly slow to send pictures, so I went back to my desk and put it down next to me, waiting for the tell-tale buzz that meant my penis was flying in 1s and 0s through the ether for my waiting beloved's depraved pleasure. Then I promptly forgot it and went to get coffee. I came back to my desk and my boss was hovering waiting to talk to me, so we are chatting away and then I notice his eyes start to drift down to my desktop. I follow his gaze and there, clear as day, is my phone. With my erect penis. And, in the background, the distinctive red and white tiles that adorned the cubicles in the staff toilets. I've never had a non-awkward conversation with him again." (scarpe) * SUPRISE PENIS - "If your beloved is sitting on the floor doing paperwork and you've just come out the shower. Don't - I repeat DON'T - sneak up behind her and smack her round the back of the head with your cock and run off giggling like a twat. It's a deal breaker. It really fucking is." (SpankyHanky) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your take on God. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/god/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Sequels that don't exist << Sounding like one of our old image challenges (in fact I think we ran it after watching web-video "Titanic 2! The Revenge of the Iceberg!"), but what saves this from territory that we're over-familiar with is the quality of the writing and mind-expanded full-throttle creativity on offer. We particularly dig 'Rambo V' featuring the entire Rambo family, all played by Stallone, "The handshakes might have to be done with CGI or something." http://everybodylovesacane.blogspot.com/ >> Ultimate geek office << To use modern internet speak, this is so full of fail that it's 100% win. Witness a grown man, dressed in a skin-tight Storm Trooper outfit, unpacking his lovely new Apple Mac toys whilst surrounded by Manga figurines. And he has a wife apparently. http://www.dannychoo.com/adp/eng/1677/Mac+Life+4.h... >> Dead insects + watch bits << Extremely creepy photos of dead insects that have been case-modded with antique watch parts. Could be the early work of a particularly meticulous steam-punk serial killer. They start with animals, you know. http://www.insectlabstudio.com/ >> Photos of Chernobyl << The Chernobyl tourism industry is growing. Soon it'll beat North Korea as the number one destination for those who self-identify as wankers, sorry travellers, rather than tourists. Mind you, the photos are indeed chilling and would be a fantastic place to film a cheapo Zombie film, assuming you can afford the insurance for potentially giving the crew leukaemia. http://www.grcade.com/viewtopic.php >> Gallery of pre-loaders << Much like the banner-ad, the pre-loader absorbs a huge amount of ad agencies' energy without ever getting one ounce of love on the real internet. (You know, the internet that gets views, rather than the waste-ground of client sites.) Celebrate the folly here, or use it to confuse a naive friend, "this site is GREAT once it loads." http://www.prettyloaded.com/ >> Soundboards a-gogo << In an unlikely revival of retro web trends, we've been seeing a lot of love for soundboards this week. One based on Daft Punk's classic toilet roll jingle, "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" and the other mostly from George Michael's early pre-crack-pipe hit "Wham! Rap". Open both and pretend you're Jean Michelle Jarre attempting to grapple with the 90s. http://www.najle.com/idaft/ http://www.ronwinter.tv/drums.html ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO VHS will rise again! >> Burger grease art << If something can be used to make a mark on paper, then it can be used to make a drawing. Although we pity this stink-fingered artist who uses beef-fat as his medium of choice. Next week we'd like to see Edvard Munch's 'The Scream', as rendered by walking down the street and asking everyone you pass for a little of their precious, salty earwax. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Twitter = twats? << The problem with Twitter is that it's difficult to "get". Much like it would be hard to see the point of a phone if the only person you could phone was Stephen Fry, and he didn't listen to you, only barked missives about how much battery life was left in his laptop. Anyway, if you're on the side of the fence that enjoys going, "I don't see the point of it" then you'll have a certain satisfaction in this well observed and slickly produced cartoon. http://current.com/items/89891774/supernews_twoubl... >> Jenga bricks pistol << There's two ways to make Jenga more exciting: firstly you can play it for money. We promise you, you've never played sport until you've had £50 riding on pushing out a wooden brick. Or secondly, replace your fingers with guns. Yes. Special Jenga guns. http://b3ta.com/links/Jenga_Bricks_Pistol >> Communicating with Cat Central Command << Morse code facts: * There's no | (pipe) sign in Morse code, thus making it difficult to port to Linux. * Sting's Morse Code classic De Doo Doo Doo De Da Da Da, has often been known to confuse shipping. * Telegraphy pioneered txt-spk in the 1890s, using GE for Good Evening, GN for Good Night and ISOCYWIRB for "I say old chap, your wife is ridiculously butters." http://b3ta.com/links/Communicating_with_Central_C... >> Computer rage song << The shanty is a working song used by navies, slaves and sailors to make repetitive communal tasks more bearable by creating an all encompassing rhythm that the body falls into. And aren't IT workers a little like the poor Irish sods who built all our motorways in the 60s and then ended up broken, family-less drunkards in Camden's Arlington House? But in the digital age, with roads being pointless reports, and the shovels broken laptops? That's what this song makes us think anyway. http://snurl.com/do_people_still_say_borked >> Dragons Den parody << You know this is going to be a funny clip, so trust on that, and let us have 30 seconds of your time whilst we play word substitution games on famous phrases: * Cutting off our cock to spite our balls. * You can't make a sausage without breaking a pig. * Er.. Do not look a gift-horse in the cock. Anyway, moving swiftly on: http://b3ta.com/links/The_Milk_Gargoyles_hatch_Dra... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Shoot us in the face. Please. Update on Randy Midgett: his wife is called Ginger. http://www.baysidemanortour.com/patrons.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Font Jokes Challenge Last week we wanted you to have fun with typefaces. Oh yes, we literally asked for FontLols. Your favourites included: * RAP - getting typographical on yo ass (The magic of chutney) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9264220 * COCK - a special delivery for a lucky lady - or man, if you like that kind of thing (Daisy Lemon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9261146 * DOLCE - Midge Ure's entry wasn't quite funny enough (op) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9268383 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fontjokes/ >> New challenge: Food << We're continually told of the need to be aware of how our food is sourced, so show us how what we eat is *really* made. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/food/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TARD WHO WANTS A HUSBAND GETS WRITTEN UP IN THE DAILY MAIL - Alex wrote to us to say, "Yeah, the Daily Mail, not my paper of choice at all - I kept mentioning B3ta during the interview, but I don't think she got my hints to mention it. I'm going on GMTV tomorrow morning and it's live, so I'll definitely try and give B3ta a shout out!" Also Peter Davison subverts, "Look for the comment by a Mr. Deago Stiniberg from Hull. That's me that is." http://snurl.com/dzhfk * STEPHEN FRY CARICATURE - "Had an email from the lovely Mr Stephen Fry", writes Tart Monkey, "saying very nice things about my caricature of him that got front-paged last week, and asking if I could send him a hi-res version for his own amusement, which I did of course." BTW: Poor old Stevie (Who we'll now call Stevie, as this is how he refers to himself on Twitter, especially when hungry), this was his own personal glass-cock, as a quick search shows, ENDLESS people recommended this image to him. http://search.twitter.com/search * RYANAIR PHOTOSHOP - another equally popular image from B3ta recently was the reworking of the Ryanair instructions by Coast Of Yemen - which have done the rounds so often that they're now appearing (uncredited) on the actual Ryanair website. Naughty Ryanair doing things on the cheap again. http://snurl.com/naughty_naughty ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BANKRUPT THE BANKS - in a plot weirdly reminiscent of Superman III, fridgefreezer asks, "Can someone write a script for on-line banking sites that does all money transfers 1p at a time? I would dearly love to see the postman dragging my next bank statement up the path on a sack truck because I paid my credit card bill in 20,000 instalments." * COUNCIL BULLSHIT ANALYSER - Chart Cat asks, "I read management guff every day. It would be marvellous if I could go to a website, paste in a chunk of text and get an itemised 'bullshit score' based on this word list." http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/794907... * AD AGENCIES GIVING B3TA PEOPLE CASH to rework old flash cartoons as new advertising campaigns. Yep, Jonti HASN'T been ripped off, he's been commissioned: http://www.118247.com/home.html Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Peter Davison, mockingbirdred, Darklord, tedster, 4dam, badge, Monty Propps, the_log_knows, Kingdom Oblivion, aphareus. Occasionally we hide jokes in the thanks bit. Not this week. Top Tippery by Flowerpot. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Oh go on then: Did you hear about the horse who thought he was a mouse? He went click-clop. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Prof UnderCover. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If you boil vegetables, let the water cool and use it to water plants. The nutrients in the water are good for them. Works with water used to boil pasta too. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: What's brown and rhymes with "snoop"? Dr Dre http://www.sickipedia.org/
