NEWSLETTER: "CARLSBERG DON'T DO ALZHEIMER'S. JUST EXCEEDINGLY GOOD CAKES."
This Week:
* VID - Cassetteboy vs The Apprentice
* QUESTION - Unexpected nudity
* TIME HACKS - Using time travel to bang ladies
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're sleeping it
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| off... together"
B3ta electronic e-newsletter 380 - 29 May 2009
Clicky clicky clicky click:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue380/
Friends: [email protected]
Bastards: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Glaceau vitaminwater design competition
Would you like to see your artwork on a
10x13.5m poster wrapped around a iconic
building in London's art capital Shoreditch?
And win £500 + 2 passes to Bestival? Well, show
us your work then.
http://sn.im/ixkej
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lots of things, oh yes, stuff
>> Cassetteboy vs The Apprentice <<
Casetteboy hits Alan Sugar's shuffle button to
create an improved edit of the reality show
tycoon. Not quite safe for work, and so popular
already that we've been emailed it ten times
since Casetteboy posted it on our links board.
http://cassetteboy.wordpress.com
>> Herrings of War! <<
Joel sings a proud song, he sings of the
bravery, the tragic, futile bravery of the
herring horde and its war against mankind. What
a Wagnerian masterpiece!
http://rathergood.com/herring
>> Sandwich <<
Big fans of a cheese sarnie here at B3ta
Towers, so we enjoyed Scrambled Edd's
sandwich-based love song. Right up until the
mayonnaise, anyway. eww!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sandwich
>> Geeky love tip <<
So you're in love with a friend but she already
has a boyfriend. Read on for an ingenious
solution to your problem. BTW: Author
anthonymorcom emails, "wrote this thing last
Friday and it went kind of massive, but I can't
count it as a success unless it gets into the
newsletter." Ha! Take that, internet.
http://batteriesfeelincluded.blogspot.com/2009/05/...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Impulse buys
Inspired by your Ginger Fuhrer's purchase of a
trampoline that completely filled his garden,
we asked for the stupid things you've bought on
impulse:
http://b3ta.com/questions/impulsebuys/
Here's a list of the choicer items:
* 400 self-adhesive goggly eyes
* A full size dalek
* 1,000 cocktail umbrellas
* A replica Storm Trooper suit
* 5,000 kitchen cupboard doors
* A pub
* A life-sized statue of Lara Croft
* A replica US Army 1840s revolver
* A ghillie suit
* A set of deep purple satin bedsheets
* A 6-berth motorhome (off a man in a pub)
* A 12-disc Worzel Gummidge DVD box set
* 1,500 square metres of granite tiles
* A commemorative Eric Bristow plate
and
* The skeletal remains of a nineteenth-century
artist's model called Jo
>> This Week's Question <<
There you are, minding you own business when
**SURPRISE TODGER**... Tell us of unexpected
encounters with nudity:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unexpectednudity/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Memes without content <<
Here are the anonymous rooms where they
performed the crazy comedy you sent on to your
friends. See how many you can get - we were
surprised how easy it is.
http://waxy.org/2009/05/memescenery/
>> Potato Portraits <<
Ginou Choueiri paints amazing portraits on
potatoes because "Not only is their skin porous
like ours, but their skin texture and colour is
very similar." Also, you have to cut the eyes
out before you cook them.
http://snurl.com/potatoshops
>> Explosions & boobs <<
Save valuable time watching Hollywood
blockbusters; simply reload the page to see
more pics of breasts and things blowing up.
http://www.explosionsandboobs.com/
>> Star Wars first draft <<
Mystery Man dug through the George Lucas
archives to find the original draft of The Star
Wars. And it's quite the turd. Amazing how many
of the rubbish ideas trimmed from this made it
into the latter three Star Wars products.
http://snurl.com/starwarsalpha
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
It's like VHS 2.0
>> Cool optical illusion <<
One of the disturbing things about running B3ta
for so damn long is seeing our contributors
age: Zefrank is still producing excellent and
amusing content but his eyebrows are going grey
and his skin is sallow. Poor chap, maybe a
holiday would help.
http://vimeo.com/4791698
>> Biscuit-man vs chatlines <<
If you've ever pressed the channel up button on
your TV above the numbers that actually have
proper programming on them you'll have found
those weird video chat lines where tarty young
ladies are waiting for gentleman callers. Our
friend in this case subverts them by keeping the
subject off sex and on biscuits - although
personally we prefer to exercise our
sociopathic tendencies by wiping snot on door
handles.
http://channelbee.com/move/gags#2631
>> 1964 Antique MODEM Live Demo <<
The first modem we ever saw was in 1985 - an
acoustic coupler connected to an Amstrad CPC,
playing British Telecom's Multi User Dungeon.
Like an ASCII World of Warcraft it knocked up a
£400 phone bill for our school friend. We had
no idea that even in the 80s, this was a 20
year old technology. Watch and learn, children:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Hello Cleveland! <<
Comedy Basics 101: writing feel-good songs
about provincial towns is funny. Try it
yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Spiderman vs pigeons <<
People who do street mine are pillocks who
deserve everything they get - including this
fine bit of bird seed-based pwnage.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> One Line on the Sopranos <<
You probably don't remember Erik Weiner's
performance in The Sopranos. His single line
was, "Leon, take your break at two." Erik is
now stretching out his small moment of fame,
for comic effect, and thereby making himself
much more famous as a result. Clever stuff,
Erik.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/One_Line_on_the_Sopranos
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Letter Arts Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make stuff out of
letters
Your favourites included:
* TREK - Kirk, Spock and the inevitable dead
guy are beamed on board (barryheadwound)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9461866
* TERROR - summing up the New York attacks via
the simple gift of numbers (Faceburger)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9460496
* PANGRAM - featuring both a quick brown fox
and a lazy dog (Cocodaye Miasere)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9466235
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/letterart/
>> New challenge: Extreme Sports <<
This week's extreme challenge is to make
dangerous sports more extreme, to make
dull sports more extreme, and to turn
everyday activities into extreme sports.
Like, gnarly, dude. Challenge suggested
by Joe Scaramanga
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extremesports/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* STOLEN VIDEO - "I can't believe some yank
STOLE the video I filmed especially for the
links board and won $600!" yells
combatcameraman. "Luckily, the b3tards were
straight on it. I've got in touch and am going
to try and claim the money back as it's
rightfully mine."
http://b3ta.com/links/Is_this_stolen
* COVER VERSION - "Since posting my first few
mashup 'Cover Version' album covers on here a
couple of months ago it's kinda gone global -
in no small part to the enthusiasm of you
boarders and having them featured in the
newsletter," chirps little pixel. "Just wanted
to say thank to everyone for motivating me to
do more and for the exposure. They are on the
cover of trade mag 'Design Week' as of today as
well as being featured in Wired and GQ's
webbysites."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Thanks_B3ta
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
This week we asked all the people who follow
your Ginger Fuhrer on twitter (@robmanuel, some
shit nabbed @b3ta) for suggestions:
* DE-HANCING FILMS - "re-edit a CGI-fest to
make it look shoddy + fun. Add strings to space
ships, replace any CGI with claymation." We
suggest Tron. (via @ricomonkeon)
* VERBSWAPR - "Poet Ross Sutherland once
swapped every verb in Little Red Riding Hood
for the one below it in the dictionary. More of
this, plz." What about an automatic tool that
works with URLs? (via @gomark)
* MICROWAVE MODS - "Can you turn a microwave
into some kind of slow-acting raygun by turning
it inside out?" (via @bounder)
And special mention to Gidleys who asks, "Can
someone please code something that enables me
to load the newsletter with all the Joel Veitch
stuff removed?" Oooh meany!
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Darklord,
VampireMonkeyOnSpeed, @bounder, @alnapp, 52745,
Floppy Donkey & @dxtr Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via tricyclic_looper.
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TESCO VALUE TOP TIP:
Mong the Merciless explains, "Simply use
Tesco's self-service scanners and enter any
random number for 'own bags used' - voila, free
clubcard points. It seems to work with no
problems up to one bag per item bought. My
record is 150 for a packet of chewing gum - it
beeped and some nice employee just came over
and hit override without even looking so I
still go the points.
"Forget the image challenge, I want, nay
demand, to see who can get the most free
clubcard points with this method. Remember
folks, scan and post the receipt as without
pics it never happened."
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SICKIPEDIA:
Some random woman stopped me in the street
today and started telling me a joke. It had all
the ingredients of a good joke: child abuse,
incestual rape, tears and suffering; but I
didn't understand the punchline. Something
about £2 a month? (nobodys hero)
http://www.sickipedia.org/
