NEWSLETTER: "THE BEST THING AL QAEDA EVER DID WAS RUIN MOBY'S BIRTHDAY"
This Week:
* MUSIC - Mushrooms rock out!
* POOP - From bears!
* COCKS - In unsettling detail!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 395 - 11 Sep 2009
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue395/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
16GB USB Flash Drive - £17.99
Sometimes we don't flog the sponsored link and
fill space with something we've bought off
Amazon recently. This is such a week, and we've
got our 4 year-old son his own first USB
thumb-drive. He calls it "Mr Sticky" and we use
it for storing kids' films on as it's a lot
easier for little fingers to use than DVDs.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001CHWE9...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Soulsucking, Shrooms, Cocks and Indy
>> The inTubator <<
"The inTubator," intones Tom Scott, "It
randomly selects unknown, unedited, personal
videos from YouTube: the ones that have no
description and no context. It's either a
celebration of the power of the internet or an
abyss which will suck in souls." The future is
a video of a Polish amateur athletics team
practising... forever.
http://www.tomscott.com/intubator/
>> Pixel Shrooms <<
"By popular request from many, many people we've
made a full length tune of the shroom song from
the 2nd episode of 8-Bit Pwny Club," rejoices
guitar-wielding fungoid Jonti Picking. Rock!!
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Shrooms/
>> Cock a Day project <<
"My work friend loves cocks," slurs Uncle
Wilco. "I bet he couldn't draw new a cock
every day. But look - we're up to Day 30
already!" The interesting wrinkle, if you will,
is the quite unspeakable amount of detail in
these doodles. Yeesh.
http://www.cockaday.co.uk
>> Raiders of the Lost Ark remix <<
Loego shows us why George Lucas junked Indy's
talking golden idol sidekick.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Indiana_Jones
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Call Centres
We asked for your tales of call centre hell:
http://b3ta.com/questions/callcentres/
* ROYAL MAIL - "I worked for their complaints
department. One grumpy old man called up to
complain about an over-flowing post-box he was
standing next to on St. Albans high street. He
ranted for three minutes, getting increasingly
nasty. So... hungry for lunch, I told the man
about 'our procedure for these situations': I
would alert the delivery office and get a van
dispatched to collect the mail within the next
20 minutes. I then kindly asked for his
assistance in ensuring that the mail remained
safe by reaching inside the box and removing as
much mail as he could, then placing it out of
sight - such as in a coat pocket or in a bag,
and waiting for the delivery van to come and
collect it. I then picked up the phone and did
my civic duty by alerting the police to a
suspicious-looking man lurking around the
high-street, removing mail from a postbox. Then
I went to lunch." (Greedo)
* FIRE - "My auntie used to answer 999 calls
Auntie: Which service do you require?
Small boy: Fire engine.
Auntie: Is there a fire?
Small boy: No.
Auntie: Why do you want the fire engine?
Small boy: I want to see the big red truck!
Auntie: Is your mummy there?
Small boy: Yes.
Auntie: Can I speak to her please?
(Auntie explains to small boy's mum that he's
been calling 999. She hears a *thwack* down
the phone as the boy cops it from his mum)
Five minutes later...
Auntie: Which service do you require?
Small boy: Fire engine.
Auntie: Is there a fire?
Small boy: No, I want to see the big red truck.
Auntie: Is your mummy there?
Small boy: Yes.
Auntie: Can I speak to her please?
Small boy: No.
Auntie: Why not?
Small boy: Cos if you do, she'll hit me again."
(moogal)
* TALK TO DOM - "When I started up my business
from home, my colleague and I played a game:
when call centres asked who to speak with, we'd
tell them that they needed to Dom Fellini - my
cat Domino (who sat curled on a chair with
'Operations Director' pinned to it). We would
award points for a) subsequent phone calls for
Dom b) letters addressed to Dom and c) callers
insisting they'd spoken with Dom previously."
(Redbull_UK)
Finally, 'mon bison' suggest that, "if they ask
if you're the homeowner say no - they’re a bit
tied up. Literally. Explain you’re a burglar and
ask if they could please hang up so you can nick
the phone."
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your tales of over-protective
Helicopter Parents. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/helicopterparents/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Over-sharers <<
Why do some people seemingly fail to realise
that their web-based musings are actually being
read by others? Not that we're complaining...
http://www.oversharers.com/
>> In praise of Sci-Fi corridors <<
Corridors are fascinating things. Think about
it - every sci-fi film you've ever seen has
some sort of action-packed chase through
corridors. They are the future!
http://bit.ly/3l1gU
>> Food Flags <<
Arty project makes national flags out of
nations' commonly-eaten foodstuffs. No UK
there, but it's hard to get red, white and blue
turkey twizzlers.
http://snipurl.com/foodflags
>> Terrible Porn <<
If you're going to make your own porn and make
it available on the internet then you'd better
have thick skin. These people have thick skin,
flabby thighs, oddly-shaped genitalia and
exhibitionist tendencies. NSFW yay!
http://waytosuckthatdick.wordpress.com/
>> Bad Hair Day <<
A welcome return to mugshotdujour; check out
the awesome tonsorial stylings of America's
petty criminal community. Cheap lols.
http://mugshotdujour.com/category/bad-hair-day
>> Rickrolling <<
We thought we'd been Rickrolled many, many
times. But looking at definition 23 on Urban
Dictionary... well, we can safely sit here and
say we haven't EVER been Rickrolled like THAT.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php
>> Average cats <<
Unholy crossbreed of LOL cats and My Life is
Average tries to spoil everybody's fun.
http://averagecats.com/
>> Image-recognition sequencing <<
Geeky vision of the future of music sequencing.
Computer can recognise the shapes you put in
front of it and formulate tuneage accordingly.
http://www.d-touch.org/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
It's like Jeremy Beadle never happened
>> Bear shits in the pool <<
It's sort of like watching a furry space
shuttle take off.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Matchbox Transformers II <<
Tiny, evil robots in disguise lurk around your
house. This time with some new tricks.
http://bit.ly/J1pJb
>> Cats hate water <<
...Except for this cute little fellow, who
enjoys drinking straight from the tap.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Terrible work conditions at the BBC <<
Newsreader Jonathan Charles's shock
announcement sends nation reeling:
http://snipurl.com/ohauntie
>> Computer music - 1985 <<
Lovely bit of telly footage as nerdy types
enthuse over the latest developments in digital
music. Is it archived from 1985 or is it from
Shoreditch ...this very afternoon?
http://bit.ly/10rZ1i
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Yep, you keep sending this shit in
* PROSTITUTE PENIS THIRST - nick.shipway
writes, "I think the words have found a new
meaning since the company was formed in 1861..."
http://hookercockram.com/
* RAPESCO - featuring this stationery company
not only for the rapey company name but the
photo of an attractive woman reclining with a
stapler makes us feel funny in our tummies.
Also the firm-breasted lady in the tight shirt
doing her admin whist a bloke creeps up behind
and it's captioned "punching". It's all too
much for us really.
http://www.rapesco.com/
* MASTURBATION - every so often we get emails
from people claiming to have been at school
with a Wayne Kerr, but Pigpen presents a new
variation:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8233784.stm
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Disney Marvel Challenge
Last week Disney and Marvel joined forces. We
wanted to know what this evil alliance might
produce.
Your favourites included:
* MASH - Donald, Mickey and the others will
benefit from stunning new powers (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9674665
* POOH - the little bear doesn't hold out much
hope for the new recruits (Tahkcalb)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9674226
* WOLVERINE - returns in a canine cartoon caper
(The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9673616
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/marveldisney/
>> New challenge: Video Game Celebrities <<
Seeing as The Beatles are now in that there
video game, what other celebrities would
benefit from the console treatment? This week's
challenge is to add your favourite star to a
current game, or create an entirely new game
for them.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/videogamecelebrities...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* THE LADY IS NOT FOR TURING - last week we
linked to a petition to request for gay
computer forefather Alan Turing to receive an
official apology from the government. Joel
Veitch writes, "the petition actually worked!
Who'd have thought it eh? Gordon Brown's
apology was just on Newsnight." BTW: Seeing as
Gordon Brown is making personal apologies for
stuff that happened in 1954 that he had nothing
to do with, isn't it time he apologised for the
birth of Oprah Winfrey?
* MEATINI IN 'THIS IS WHY YOU ARE FAT' - also
Veitch's attempt at making a full English
breakfast into a cocktail glass has made it
into the hallowed pages of everyone's favourite
lardopedia. BTW: Interesting to note they're
venturing into publishing a book - their next
step should be a restaurant.
* FROM SCRIBBLES TO DRIBBLES - last week we
requested our members to keep drawing whilst
they keep drinking. HappyToast had a go and
proved that either he didn't get that drunk OR
that he's so skilful that booze has no effect
on his fingers.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9679097
Also cake_baker writes, "In response to your
boozy drawings quest, I remembered I had seen
this:"
http://www.headinjurytheater.com/artsmashtequila.h...
* RAIL-CHEATS WIKI - carsmilesteve mentions,
"That tube stations without barriers thing is
peasy, Finsbury Park and Mill Hill East are the
only two left. National Rail/Overground is a
different matter..."
* BEN WHEATLEY IS PROPER FILM MAKER SHOCK - his
film Down Terrace was nominated for best
British Feature at Raindance festival. Ben sent
us an excited message about this and when we
replied that he's the next Shane Meadows, nay
James Cameron, he didn't reply. So we don't
know if we upset him there, sorry Ben.
http://www.raindance.co.uk/site/raindance-film-fes...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WAXY POO CANDLE - ohyesplease asks, "if you
ate enough wax could you poo a candle?"
* VIRUS CHALLENGE - we've just watched this
youtube video of a bloke with over 10,000
viruses on one PC. Can you beat him?
Competitive virus-catching for the geek
Olympics.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* HIDDEN SWEARS - a definitive list of every
disguised cuss from sCUNThorpe to wrisTWATch
via cuCUMber.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @codepo8, @piersb:
RT @paulmcclean, russellcraig, stevenw, Duke
Flipside, Onyx, coobeastie, Enzyme, @maxtaylor,
DeliriumSpong and carly291287. Subjlols via
new_matt. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Lardons to b4ta. (odegra)
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Anyone else wonder why people in wheelchairs
still wear shoes?
http://www.sickipedia.org/
