NEWSLETTER: "MAY CONTAIN JOKES ABOUT THE BUDGET, BY PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW ECONOMICS"
This Week:
* AWKWARD - Rob's football song
* IGNORANT - Your tales of naivety
* INCEST - in Star Wars
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're wanking on
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | chatroulette
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ...together"
B3ta email 421 - 26 Mar 2010
Read this issue in your browser:
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WatchGeezer features the most wickedest watches
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http://www.watchgeezer.co.uk/2010/b3ta/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Sport, Chat, Drugs and Lou Lou
>> Two Kittens Chatting - Translated <<
"So, I watched this vid today," explains Slurpy
J, "and decided to use Adobe Cat Translator Pro
to see what they were really saying... Turns
out Dave the dog is a bit filthy."
http://snurl.com/twocatchat
>> David Dimbleby gets mashed up* <<
"*only in a video sense," reassures
matt_loves_comedy. The legendary BBC broadcaster
gets off his face, in this mischievous
documentary re-edit.
http://b3ta.com/links/David_Dimbleby_gets_mashed_u...
>> Don't bring Lou Lou <<
The Twisted Omentum's singing, dancing cats
bring back the spirit of the Roaring Twenties,
with this lovely comic song. Great bit of
Charleston too.
http://b3ta.com/links/Dont_bring_Lou_Lou
>> I Feel Awkward When Blokes Talk Sport <<
Your ginger Fuhrer writes -"Mushy Bees stuck up
a Facebook post mentioning that every 4 years
he gets commissioned to do a World Cup video
despite having little interest in the subject.
This made me wonder what my World Cup song
would be? So I tried to tell my truth rather
than go 'yay! footie!'" Video starring drawings
by Mrs Fuhrer.
http://b3ta.com/links/I_Feel_Awkward_When_Blokes_T...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Amazing displays of ignorance
Last week we asked for your tales of the stupid,
From people who don't know that alt+f4 speeds
up your browser to Allisade's awesome, sleep
deprived odyssey to Bath, it's all here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/stupidity/
* STRAWBERRY - "Back when I still needed to be
accompanied to public lavatories by my dad, I
went to wash my hands then asked my dad if I
could have a sweetie from the vending machine
on the wall. "Err, those aren't sweets, son."
"So why are they strawberry flavoured?" A voice
from a cubicle piped up with, "Good luck
explaining that one, mate!"
(Redalien)
* CHILLI - "One day, Manni asked out of the blue
what the name of the hottest pepper known to
mankind was. Poor Manni. He didn't stand a
chance as I happily spoonfed him the utter
bullshit that the hottest pepper known to
mankind is in fact the Morningwood Bellend
pepper. About 6" to 8" long, girth variable,
pinkish in colour with a purple tip, and, if
handled correctly, produces about a teaspoonful
of seeds. And I told him they sold it in the
Morrisons round the corner. And off he toddled.
And then returned, about half an hour later,
blushing, and loudly calling me a bastard to
all who would listen."
(jim_bob)
* ID - "All alone in the big bad London and I
was getting my first fridge delivered. Charged
by my Dad's advice of not letting anyone in
without ID, I asked the delivery man if he had
any. "Yes," he replied, "your fucking fridge."
(allthatglittersisglitter)
>> This Week's Question <<
How clean is your house? Tell us about squalid
homes or obsessive cleaners:
http://b3ta.com/questions/filth/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> 30 best print ads <<
Enjoyable gallery of clever, funny images from
print advertising. Oh print, we'll miss you
when you're gone.
http://snurl.com/30funnyprintads
>> Alien vs. Pooh <<
Utterly charming sci-fi horror revisit to the
Hundred Acre Wood, with Pooh, Piglet,
Chestburster and all their friends.
http://godxiliary.com/alienvspooh/Medium/
>> Eating off The People's Princess <<
Pics of half-eaten dinners on Princess Diana
memorial plates. Funny, slightly nauseating.
http://eatingoffthepeoplesprincess.tumblr.com/
>> "Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight" <<
The return of crank email man David Thorne.
This time it's the school chaplain who feels
the sting of David's 'send mail' button.
http://www.27bslash6.com/easter.html
>> Anatomy of a hashtag: #cashgordon <<
Nice graphical rendition of the Conservative
party's hugely embarrassing 2-hour dabble with
social media.
http://snurl.com/cashgordon
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a flickbook of gameboy cameras ON ACID
>> Burnistoun - 2 litre bottle of ginger <<
We caught this comedy show on the iPlayer this
week - excellent stuff, though it appears to
only be on proper telly if you live in Scotland.
http://snurl.com/bottleofginger
>> Lady Gaga - Telephone <<
A parody of that ubiquitous Lady Gaga vid, done
by blokes from the north of England. Think we
can leave it at that.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lady_Gaga_Telephone
>> US conservative girl's protest song <<
Poe's Law states that at a certain level of
ridiculousness, it's impossible to tell whether
something's a parody or not. This fails so
hard. Or it's brilliant.
http://snurl.com/theydontreallycare
>> Pilipinas Got Talent <<
The best transvestite horse impression ever!
Frankly, the Filipino version of this show
pisses all over ours. Also, Filipino Simon
Cowell is nicer.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pilipinas_Got_Talent
>> Incestual Undertones in Star Wars <<
Han Solo finally twigs.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Incestual_Undertones_in_...
>> 'Adventures of a Lady's Butt' <<
Music video that entirely centres around
watching an animated girl's bottom as she walks
away. Hypnotic.
http://www.boredville.com/31753/The-Adventures-of-...
>> Cleaning a vintage Ferrari <<
We did not see where this was going.
http://snurl.com/vintage_ferrari
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now 100% less funny and it's official!
* INTENTIONALLY PHALLIC LOGO - Somehow they
manage to pull this off.
http://www.londonspermbank.com/index.html
* BUTT DRUGS - These guys go around making
funny little internet ads for local businesses.
Here's what they did for a chemist.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* AJ SPLATT - wrote a paper about the urethra.
(Thx Dr Ben Goldacre)
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7195759
* THE STORY HE WAS BORN TO WRITE - All over the
internet and too perfect to be true. BTW:
Seeing as The Times is about to go behind a
paywall this story might be their last thing
that ever goes viral. *makes internet sad face*
http://snurl.com/byebyetimeslols
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: TUBEWHACKS
Words contained in only one tube name
Last week we were banging on about this
bored-on-the-tube game people play and
you send in some of your favourites:
* "I sat opening the site just now, and my
other half looked across. I explained what it
is, and completed the sentence 'well it's
pretty much completely...' with typing in
'POINTLESS'. Needless to say my very first
word on the site created a TubeWhack. Bobs
yer uncle, it's Archway." (MCQ)
* "Shepherds Bush is the only station that
doesn't contain any letters from the word
'cottaging'. Amazing." (Ash)
* "Through intensive research using that
TubeWhacker thingy I have found that the made
up word "anushole" has at least one letter in
every London Tube station name." (bogeypie)
* "Only one tube station contains none of the
letters in 'Brazilian'. On typing that word
in, just like in real life, 'Brazilian' trims
everything except for 'Mudchute'. It put me
off my tea." (Drivelcast)
* "...and only Acton Town doesn't contain any
letters from 'kiddyfiddler' - not entirely
sure what that proves, but it's a novel
twist." (concurrency)
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Awesome Art Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make art more
awesome, and you entered about a billion pics.
This was the biggest uptake we've had for a
challenge in living memory.
Your favourites included:
* MONDRIAN - this image makes us feel somewhat
sick (custard)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9971945
* HIRST - the famous Brit-art shark makes
its inevitable appearance (clapnonista)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9968036
* HULK - wrestling superstar Hogan crops
up in Hellish scenarios (emvee)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9969646
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/makeartmoreawesome/
>> New challenge: Memequake! <<
MEMEQUAKE! Take images that are popular on b3ta
or the internet in general, and combine them to
create as much meme action as you can muster.
Make them amazing
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/memequake/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SAUSAGE 2.0 - sausageit writes, "Your last
newsletter caught my interest when mentioning
the game of replacing words in things with
'sausage' A group of us invented a similar
game, involving replacing words with cornflake,
which was extermely funny at the time. Jurassic
Cornflake being a highlight... Anyway, it
inspired me to create a site, dunno if its what
you had in mind! Its pretty simple, but looks a
bit Web 2.0, and has twitter involved......
http://www.mintfresh.me.uk/sausageit/
* DID B3TA FOOL THE RADIO? - alspicer writes,
"Putting your clocks forward... Not that I
listen to Radio2 as a rule, but my mum likes
it. I was sipping a cup of her unmatched tea
when I overheard Steve Wright In The Afternoon
apologising for having erroneously told his
listeners to put their clocks forward. Do you
really want Steve Wright reading B3ta? I think
he should be blocked."
* JOEL IS LISTED AS OFFICIALLY ANNOYING -
Shazzoir from Australia writes, "Argh! Joel
Veitch's Spong Monkeys made No. 9 in the Top 13
'Most annoying ad characters', but the dick
writing the article spelled their name wrong in
the listing! D'oh!"
http://snurl.com/veitchy
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: FRIDAY GAME
Time Snail!
Impress your pub chums with snail facts:
* A snail's anus is situated above its head and
it can literally shit on its own neck
* The snail has a "everted penis" which means
it's inside out and you shouldn't google for
pics as it made us feel a little sick
* Snails are completely deaf so don't mind if
you call them a "spazzy, one-footed cunt minge"
Or play this amazing Time Snail game:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/games/timesnail
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* ANSWERS TO MAX'S QUESTION, "I have an
annoying house-mate and he is really pissing me
off. He bangs doors when he comes in at night,
he monopolises the television and takes over the
sitting room, blows his nose in the hallway and
other generally annoying stuff. I was wondering
if you could ask your readers is there anything
I can do to deal with him or maybe get rid of
him altogether."
* BLIND FROGGER - You play a visually-impaired
frog and you have to cross a motorway. So
basically the whole game works with headphones
and bleeping stereo sound.
* SLUGGER - Again like Frogger but you play a
slug that's too slow to cross the insanely fast
cars on the motorway. You win by eventually
realising you can press down and go off and
live your days in a field and raise little slug
children and not bother with the motorway at
all. As WOPR said in War Games, "The only
winning move is not to play."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @dianainheaven,
wallop, lennym, ben goldacre, Vulva,
jimkopelli, Peter Davison, Meg Pickard,
barryheadwound, intesvensk, MrA, planearm,
iainhasaface, Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! and
mrmonkfish. Subjlos via Wasp Box and emvee.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Sickijoke via nobscratcher .
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TOP TIP:
Holding doors open for ladies will allow you
to see more ladies' bums. (MrOli)
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Funny how a self-examination for testicular
cancer easily turns into a wank.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
