NEWSLETTER: "I WAS SUCKING OFF THIS BIRD LAST NIGHT WHEN I THOUGHT, 'WAIT A MINUTE...'"
This Week:
* QUIZ - 80s TV Quiz megamix
* SONG - the Axolotl song
* QUESTION - Are you prejudiced?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're waiting for
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the Times to launch
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| its paywall.. together"
B3ta email 421 - 2 April 2010
Unfriend this issue on your Facebook:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue422/
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: SPONSORED LINK
Line 6 POD Studio UX2 USB interface
A couple of weeks back we bought this lovely
interface to allows us to record our dreadful
guitar playing on the computer. It's fucking
awesome - loads of really amazing tones and it
allows the most beautifully clean home
recording we've ever heard. Five stars, would
buy again, and best of all it's made us fall in
love with playing the guitar again; wailing
solos - the lot.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001EKECC...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lots of like really amazing shit man
>> 80s quiz megamix <<
Play alongside a veritable host of ancient quiz
shows, with Monkeon's latest, where he's done
some crazy youtube API shit and mashed up some
shit old 80s game shows. He writes, "It almost
sent me insane hearing the same clips over and
over again when I was building it. I've had the
You Bet! losing theme in my head for about a
week."
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/quizarray/
>> The Axolotl Song <<
"The Axolotl is the luckiest animal in all of
Mexico," proclaims Joel Veitch, for he has
immortalised it in beautiful song!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Axolotl_Song
>> Twitter Bird prank <<
"We recently did this prank on a packed Twitter
conference in Texas," explains phonepimp. "Hope
you enjoy." Rampaging man in a blue bird suit
crashes a speech by Twitter's CEO. Brilliant!
http://snurl.com/twitterbirdrage
>> "Imagine" in 10 words or less <<
Team Fishcake's abridged cover of the Lennnon
classic. "We like to think we're not just
paying tribute to John Lennon, but actually
being better than him," says Mike Fishcake.
"We're sure the people in his home town of
Liverpool in Manchester won't mind us saying
that."
http://snurl.com/asliceoflennon
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
How clean is your house?
We wanted to know if you were an obsessive
compulsive clean freak or just rubbed your
dishes clean on your pants. Some of this lot
don't even bother with the pants:
http://b3ta.com/questions/filth/
* WALL BREAD - "I used to live in Middlesbrough.
Naturally, our house was a total shithole, and
the envy of the street. During a food-fight in
the living room, I flung a piece of crust at my
mate. Being a corner, its trajectory was not
what I had anticipated, and it fell in a lame
arc. Feeling despondent, I went to go and
retrieve it, and that's when I saw something
magical. The bread had never reached the ground.
Instead it was held, suspended two feet off the
floor, by some errant cobwebs. Of course, we all
found this to be absolutely fucking marvelous,
and it was forbidden to move wall bread under
any circumstances." (SigmaX0)
* U-BEND MUSHROOMS - "Back in the days of our
student flat, hygiene was an optional quality.
One day we noticed a mushroom growing on the
U-bend coming out the back of the toilet.
Rather than clean up we named him "Horace" and
would water him with warm water to keep him
alive. Was still there when we moved out a
year later." (golddust)
* BACK-KEBAB - "I woke up one morning late for
work after a big night out. I pulled on my
clothes and ran for the train. It was packed.
Having walked half way down the train, I felt
something weird on my back. I reached up into
my shirt to see what it was... it was my skin
peeling off! I was terrified, I took a corner
and pulled it gently, pulled a bit more...
this massive chunk of skin was peeling off,
but I didn't feel any pain. finally the whole
slice came off. I had a look - in front of this
whole carriage of commuters - it was a bit of
doner kebab I had fallen asleep on the night
before, stuck to my back with ketchup."
browser)
>> This Week's Question: Prejudice <<
Got some deep seated but irrational hatred you'd
like to admit to? Do others fail to see past the
spots, glasses and pasty complexion? Tell us about
your experiences of prejudice:
http://b3ta.com/questions/prejudice/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> HP Linguistic Module <<
Too late for April Fools, but well worth doing
anyway. Print out and stick one to the front of
all the printers in your office. Then sit back
and enjoy.
http://webadboard.com/4-1-2010-HP-printer.pdf
>> Misplaced manhole covers <<
Strangely satisfying gallery of manhole covers
put into slightly, but just slightly, the wrong
place.
http://misplacedmanholecovers.co.uk/
>> Naughty Nicky Campbell <<
The talk radio host makes a tiny schoolboy
error introducing a feature on fox hunting.
http://snurl.com/oohthatnicky
>> Touching story about GoldenEye 64 <<
Awww, sad video-games-related story. We'll
probably be remembered the same way, but with
lolcats and knob jokes.
http://snurl.com/saltyinternettears
>> Geekiest alphabet ever <<
And ABC packed to the absolute brim with
comic-book references. In case you want to raise
your child to be the world's most humongous nerd.
http://snurl.com/alphageeks
>> Suspect Jesus of the week <<
Entertaining single-subject blog scores a
particular hit with this well-hung Jesus.
http://www.jesusoftheweek.com/jesii/565/index.html
>> Animated gif photography <<
Enjoyed this photographer's arty use of
animated gifs. Gives a nice, jerky cinecam
feel.
http://is.gd/b9Ptv
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a cinema but inside your computer. WOWOOWO!
>> Song about the Daily Mail <<
Hooray for Dan & Dan, tackling our favourite
newspaper the Daily Mail. Really, we love it.
The website is full of sexy photos that aren't
quite porn and the mentals who comment on the
stories always entertain.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Song_about_the_daily_mai...
>> Masterchef - Top 10 Innuendoes This Week! <<
Everything is dirty, but that's just because
we're OCD. BTW: We just wondered about writing
a humorously out-of-date joke about Lloyd
Grossman so looked him up on Wikipedia and,
oddly, he's started to look like Steve Jobs and
play the electric guitar.
http://snurl.com/dirtymasterchef
>> iPhone vortex of death! <<
Neat idea for an iPhone app here - it repeats
everything you say in a higher pitch - so what
happens if you make it talk to another iPhone?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Talking_Carl_fight
>> Wonders of The Foockin Solar System <<
TV's new face of science is Professor Brian
Cox. He used to be a pop star in the 90s and,
as a b3tan comments, "He is enthusiastic, but
sounds like a stoned northerner telling you
about a brilliant cake shop he's found...
rather than the marvels of the universe." A
spot-on bit of mockery which will only help his
celebrity grow.
http://snurl.com/fookinsolarsystem
>> 160 greatest Arnie quotes. <<
10 minutes of cheezy one-liners. You'll never
need to watch an Arnie film again - it's all
here. Now somebody do one with every time Roger
Moore raised an eyebrow.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/160_greatest_Arnie_quote...
>> Lady Gaga - Chat Roulette Video <<
Combining the two biggest world events of
recent times this is a cultural overload. Mrs
B3ta loves this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lady_Gaga_Chat_Roulette_...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
It's shit this but you like it
We'd rather get a time machine and rape
ourselves as a baby than run this section
again, but you make us do it and we are
literally whores for the readers, so here you
go. MC_Histamine informs us about Quim, a
Portuguese goalkeeper. Quim is getting on a
bit, 34 and seen better days.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quim
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Memequake Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate
the humble meme
Your favourites included:
* SCIENCE - it's web chemistry as b3ta
memes are compiled in a handy, cut-
out-and-keep table (Mighty Nibus)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9983709
* PEPPER - the inevitable Beatles
pastiche includes many an old
favourite. Literally Hours of fun
(CaptainSpaulding)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9978925
* DOMO - our favourite Japsanese TV
hero dances on a beach. Nice grass
skirt, too (elvisweathercock)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9980453
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/memequake/
>> New challenge: Remaking Films With Animals <<
This week's challenge is classic b3ta:
fire up Photoshop, and remake Films
and TV programmes, but with animals
instead of humans
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalfilms/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CYRIAK IN THE PAPERS - good to see our
favourite animating B3tan in The Guardian. Well
done that chap.
http://bit.ly/br679G
* SPONSOR A B3TAN FOR AUTISM - Ed, the chappy
who writes the music on Joel Veitch's
animations, is running the London Marathon for
the National Autistic Aociety. He's made this
little vid. Joel helped a tiny bit with some of
the shoe-moving.
http://snurl.com/stopmotionmarathon
* B3TAN FOOLS METRO NEWSPAPER - this involves
some naughty lies being put on Wikipedia, which
we heartily discourage as the last time we
mentioned something like that they deleted your
Ginger Fuhrer's page and edited the B3ta entry
down to about two paragraphs in revenge. Read
the links in order, and a stern telling off to
Rusty Shackleford for such naughtiness.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/448271
http://snurl.com/irishtimes
* GENDER CONFUSION - "Hi it's Sam Grimmett here.
Just dropping a line to say muchos grassy arse
for featuring Embrace Life in the 12th Feb
newsletter!!! Small thing though- I'm a laydee!
I know it will make all the difference. Bloody
b3ta misogynists. Only joking, what about a new
policy assuming all multiple gender names are
girls? Given the b3ta demographic it should be
a right laugh." Sorry Sam, we'll never suggest
you have a penis again. BTW: Here's your link
again because it's bloody ace - and over
4 million views! Gosh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* HOW TO GET RID OF RUBBISH FLATMATES -
Irregular Shed writes in response to last
week's plea, "They got rid of the girl who was
in my room before me by sprinkling milk on her
pillow, roughly in the area where her nose
would be, and then just leaving nature to take
its course." Milky milky.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Run, Jesus RUN!
Bored of playing God? Then welcome to the first
Jesus simulator - run to the right, hitting
space to jump or work miracles as you go. If
you reach the end without the 10 second timer
running out, it shows your score as apostles.
Then you get crucified.
http://snurl.com/runjesusrun
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TWEET MY DEATH - We reckon someone should put
a camera in their coffin and tweet a pic every
day of their decomposition along with hilarious
prepared captions.
* MODERN RHYMING SLANG - Santander bank - wank,
Intel Inside = Died and Greggs pasty = nasty.
Stuff like that.
* ACRONYMS FAKE OR REAL QUIZ - does BAAPS
really stand for British Association of
Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via jammy
doughnut-related incident, planearm, EnDee,
dum.dum.dum.dummm, redazril, PenguinOfDeath,
hieronymous bosch, Ruddles, @bounder, The
Magical Mr Q, @jamsandwich, @essers. Subjlols
via smugb. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Sicki joke via peter milner42 And Bad
Horsey who says, "I'm a wee bit miffed that,
after posting the online punchup between Bruce
Everiss and, well, the rest of the world, that
it made the newsletter without a credit!" so
this newsletter is both specially credited and
dedicated to him. May his horses always be bad
but in a good way like Jacko in the 80s.
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One good thing about paedophiles, they always
slow down outside schools.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
