NEWSLETTER: "PALLBEARERS GO ROUND THE OUTSIDE, ROUND THE OUTSIDE, ROUND THE OUTSIDE"
This Week:
* VOTING - We teach you voter apathy
* DAILY MAIL - This week's love letter is a quiz
* RICHARD MADELEY - Utterly mashed up for you
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Please please save
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the fucking web, this
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| DEBill stuff is rotten"
B3ta email 423 - 9 April 2010
Already a bit dodgy under existing legislation:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue423/
:) : [email protected]
:( : [email protected]
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: NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINKY IT'S SPONSORED LINKY
Pendulum playing Sonisphere!
Fantastic news - the utterly brilliant Pendulum
are doing Sonisphere. Here's our favourite
facts about your favourite drum & bass/rock act:
* They're mostly from Australia, but their
guitarist Peredur is Welsh and was a judge on
his local talent show, the "Waw Ffactor"
* A pendulum is a weight suspended from a pivot
so it can swing freely. Think of it as a
scrotal sack that can power a clock.
* Their new single is called Watercolour. It's
about the colour of Roger Waters - a pinkish
ham.
Ah. Please forgive us for writing some crap
jokes - the ticket agency said we could write
what we liked as long as we mentioned Pendulum
were playing, and also Therapy? and Dir En
Grey. Hooray!
http://snurl.com/sonispherefuckyeah
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us. We'll write
crap jokes for you too.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Votes, Cancer, Madeley, Crisps and Cunnilingus
>> "Your vote is pointless" <<
"Hello," says Martin Petts, "I've made a site
that shows voters how utterly powerless we are
in the general election." It's slightly
dispiriting stuff but fascinating.
http://www.voterpower.org.uk
>> Daily Mail Big C Quiz <<
"Can you tell what the Daily Mail has reported
as causing cancer?" asks Monkeon. If you can
get 100%, seek professional help because you're
thinking like the Mail - it might be brain
cancer.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/bigcquiz/
>> Madeley Mash <<
"I made this tune a while back," confesses
swedemason, "But thought I'd have a crack at a
video seen as there is a bit of a Madeley
drought at the moment." Thank God, thank God,
the Richard Madeley drought is over at last.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Madeley_Mash
>> Retro crisps <<
"For those of a certain age," begins
mister_bronson_from_grange_hill, "My collection
of early 1980's crisp packets may bring back
fond nostalgic memories of school lunch-times."
Yes, yes, we know - we're linking to a Facebook
group, but all these crisp packets made us
wonderfully nostalgic.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php
>> Shaven Haven <<
Kunt is back, with a new vid for the song
'Shaven Haven'. "It features James Buckley (Jay
off the Inbetweeners) putting his succesful
acting career on the line with his gritty
portrayal of a ruthless gang leader in a
violent urban street war. That sounds quite
good actually, so much better than me and my
divvy mates twatting around doing appalling
breakdancing on a bit of lino by the Thames."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Prejudice
Last week we asked for your experiences of
prejudice or if indeed you had found yourself
to be prejudice. Worth reading for Leo
Sasquatch's brutally honest bit of self
examination and the huge argument in response
to EuroSong's post:
http://b3ta.com/questions/prejudice/
* CROMWELL - "Visiting the other half's family
in Lisburn, Norn Iron, I found myself sitting
outside a club in Belfast conversing with a
friend. Some local skanks overheard, spotted my
English accent and came wading in calling me,
in no particular order, a squaddie, gay, and
uneducated... all of which I laughed off, and
they ended up being very friendly. Then their
fat bearded gimli-alike friend came over and
loudly proclaimed, "I don't like Oliver
Cromwell!" and fixed me with his very best
withering hard-man stare. "Never met him,
little bit before my time mate," I replied,
"while we're on the topic of cunts though, when
are you lot going to apologise for Bono?" He
took rather a shine to me after that and
insisted on buying me a drink. Never thought
I'd say it, but thanks Bono! You cunt." (pete
l'oaf)
* TAKEAWAY - "Not me but a mate, heading back
into her block of student flats at about
midnight saw a Chinese guy outside the door. He
was standing there in a baseball cap and was
holding a bag full of takeaway. "Oh," she said,
"I didn't realise you delivered this late." "I
don't," he said, "this is my dinner. I live
here." (Puddle of Sugar)
* BIGOTED - "My girlfriend dumped me with an
email telling me that I am "dyslexic and
bigoted". For fucks sake, even if I did have
dyslexia it shouldn't be used as a reason to
dump someone. And I do not have big toes."
(emadex)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like the words and phrases that annoy you.
Marketing bollocks, buzzword bingo, or your mum
saying "fudge" when she really wants to swear
like a trooper. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/buzzwords/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Home printing is killing graphic design <<
BPI Director of Communications caught chatting
about photocopying a greetings card, on the day
the DE Bill was passed. Entertaining shitstorm
follows.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/revdancatt/4501870721...
>> Don't steal from a nerd <<
Bloke gets burgled, phone, laptop, the usual
stuff. The difference being that he then uses
the software on his GPS mobile to track down
where it's all been taken. All vey lovely, on
the assumption it's true and not some weird
software ad.
http://snurl.com/naughtyboys
>> Star Trek between shots <<
Nice photos of models, sets, actors and props
from old-school Star Trek. Unconventionally
lovely.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/birdofthegalaxy/
>> The secret of pi <<
Somehow we never realised this before. Doh.
http://snurl.com/whencomebackbringpi
>> Two nuns & a drum machine <<
It sounds like the set-up to a joke, but this
recently-surfaced religious musical oddity is a
brilliant and eerie affair.
http://snurl.com/downloadthistoyourzune
>> Troll cats! <<
Cute cats, with anti-social internet messages.
http://trollcats.com/
>> Bunch of trolls <<
No more visiting forums. The entertaining
exploits of internet trolls are now available
to enjoy in handy blog form.
http://www.helpfeedthetroll.com/
>> Bunny of the day <<
The world's finest rabbit photography, updated
every day.
http://bit.ly/3lMZJI
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a Casio camera watch but without a strap
>> Standing cat <<
Now they can stand on two legs, it's only a
matter of time before they evolve thumbs and
then they won't need us for anything.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Thats_a_winner
>> What a Wonderful World death metal <<
Masterful redubbing of Louis Armstrong. The
much angrier track is strangely plausible.
http://bit.ly/aPSetN
>> Old arcade games attack New York <<
Pixels on the warpath in Manhattan, this is
even better than you're probably imagining it
to be.
http://snurl.com/pixelbasatrads
>> Chris Kamara - sports reporter of the year <<
Chris Kamara is a total legend. Here's one of
the many reasons why.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Chris_Kamara_reporter_of...
>> Bafflingly terrible voice <<
What's going on in this interview? We haven't a
clue. Brazilian tranny keeps repeating the same
garbled phrase.
http://snurl.com/omgweirdvoice
Whatever it is, the interwebs seem to love it:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Terrible_Voice_Remix_Pok...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
We'd rather be the 'Lucky Pierre' in the
current horror film smash The Human Centipede
than run this section again but we're forced to
because our readers needs are more important
than our own sanity, so here goes. Rusty T.
Rombone writes, "Here's a cracker for the funny
name corner:"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaylord_Silly
BTW: We've thought of a new way to derail
innocent chit-chat, when someone asks a simple
question answer with, "I don't mind, It's no
skin off my penis."
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Animal Film Challenge
Last week we wanted you to replace human
actors with animals
Your favourites included:
* SHINING - altogether more terrifying
than the original (Faceburger)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9989723
* COW - not the kind of thing you'd ever
want to see in 3D (rmoola)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9988439
* SHINING II - a sequel, but with added
horse (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9989417
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalfilms/
>> New challenge: Photoshop The Election <<
A general election challenge - well four
challenges - we'll keep them open until
the actual election day. We'll make some
funky graphs out of the entries - as
we'll have our own anti-election of
mockery. Who will be the most mocked?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/generalelectionphoto...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/generalelectionphoto...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/generalelectionphoto...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* JOEL MAKES ANOTHER KITTEN AD - it's
dreadfully good of course but we do wonder
about Joel being wheeled out aged 80 to do this
again and again. Veitch writes, "It's a tribute
to the greatest music video of all time, the
immortal Wired For Sound by Cliff Richard. In
10 seconds."
http://snurl.com/veitchydoeshiskittenthing
* MORE SCHEMES TO MAKE PEOPLE MOVE OUT - the
possibly sociopathic Bad Horsey writes, "I once
left a flatshare after a massive falling-out
with the cunt of a landlady / flatmate. The
last thing that I did before I left was to get
hold of a depot hypodermic - the big ones used
for oil-based injections - and injecting the
best part of a pint of milk into her pillows
and mattress. I'm told that it very quickly
developed a personality all of its own and that
her young man left her not long afterwards."
* THE CURSE OF GOLDEN EYE - sauronwibble
writes, "When I was about 16 a friend of me &
my 'group' went missing after a underage
drunken sesh in the local. We all skipped
school/college and went searching everywhere we
knew he might be, to no avail. One evening with
our parents forcing us to rest, eat, etc, we
got a call that his body had been found. We
were playing N64 Goldeneye at the time and we
were casually shooting each other to take our
mind of of it. I Never touched it again. He'd
stopped for a piss on the way home along a
flooded river and slipped in. He drowned."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Gosh the internet is fast
A few days back Xkcd ran a comic about a
hellish version of tetris where the objects
don't fall straight:
http://xkcd.com/724/
A few days later it exists - completely
unplayable of course.
http://www.swfme.com/view/1046212
BTW: When we're dead we're leaving crap things
in our will to famous people just to irritate
and puzzle them. Like a hoover to Paul
McCartney.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MURDER VIRUS'S - surely science could make a
virus that checks someone's DNA and if it
didn't match, it replicated to another human,
and if it did it killed them? First on our list
would be everyone behind the #DEBill crap,
including the BPI, the house of lords and
parliament too.
* A CURE FOR GETTING OLD - we're old enough
now, we'd like it to stop.
* AN OFF SWITCH FOR MODERN COMMUNICATIONS -
just one button that stopped twitter, facebook,
email, mobile phones the lot until you were
ready to deal with it all again. We'd also like
this button to make a breathing out sound of
relief and give us a biscuit.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @itsthatlady, Mike
Trinder, Avast, Wayland_smithy, t0ria, weaver,
gnuchu, TownsendsPublisher, Spammer cuntface,
HappyToast, Willwillwritehiswill, follymoff.
Top Tippery by MrOli Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Sickipedia via
sweetlikechocolate. Subjlols via Bela Lugosi's
Dad. Masthead via Tribs.
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TOP TIP:
Why not try tossing over your favourite cerial?
(Tip stolen from, iirc, a packet of Sunmaid
raisins)
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You gotta feel sorry for bees. How unlucky can
you get? Black AND Ginger.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
