NEWSLETTER: "WE BET THE TABLOIDS ARE REALLY HOPING SOMEONE THROWS AN EGG AT NICK CLEGG."
This Week:
* CRAP OLD WEBSITES - Mocked for your pleasure
* HITLER - Buy a print on Amazon
* SOME SHIT POLITICAL JOKES - ...that'll date badly
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "What do you call a
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Conservative in a
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| volcano? A lava tory."
B3ta email 425 - 23 Apr 2010
Read this issue as a DRM-protected e-book:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue425/
Nice people: [email protected]
Scum: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than sending faeces in the post
>> Tiny Japanese Girl <<
We popped round Jonti's house the other day to
check out the shed he's built as a home office
- it's a truly awesome shed and we're beyond
jealous, whilst there Jonti mentioned he'd been
working on a new animation that's taken him
over 3 months:
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/tiny+japanese+gi...
>> US healthcare rap <<
Another topical rap from Mister Dan Bull.
Catchy tune, clever lyrics and a nice
sentiment. All that and Dutch subtitles too -
awesome!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Some_Americans
>> Please don't explode us <<
"I made this animation the other day," explains
an anonymous b3tan. "But decided I'd have to
put it out anonymously so no radicalised
Islamists would decide to blow up my house. If
there's any room for it in the newsletter this
week, that'd be ace." Chyeah thanks - so we get
the flak instead.
http://b3ta.com/links/Massive_Jihad
>> Your old crap website <<
"I've started a blog about how amazing websites
were in the 90s," trills ricomonkeon.
"Especially Peter Stringfellow's." A lovely bit
of web archaeology, our favourite discovery
being that the 1999 website for confectioner
Thorntons was almost entirely about dinosaurs.
http://youroldcrapwebsite.wordpress.com/
>> Voice Robot sings Tralala <<
That weird robot mouth thingy has very much
been doing the news rounds this week.
JamTallons presents the technology's most
obvious application - singing internet troll
tunes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Voice_Robot_sings_Tralal...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
TV Adverts
Last week we asked about TV advertising, the
highs, the lows and the just arse-puckeringly
awful:
http://b3ta.com/questions/adverts/
* PUBLIC INFORMATION FILMS - "I love them. My
favourite was the one that showed some children
playing hide and seek in a field. One child
finds a brilliant hiding place; an abandoned
fridge! He climbs in and closes the door. Alas
it's the sort of fridge with a handle which
locks the door from the outside. Click! One
child, sealed in a fridge, never to be found
(presumably until someone comes to clear the
fridge away, takes a look inside and discovers
the second-worst thing you could find in a
fridge, after CheeseStrings)."
(costas)
* NO SYMPATHY AT ALL - "OK. You can kill me now,
but I helped produce the Go Compare advert
music. I didn't write (much) of it but I did
engineer and master it. YOU think it's annoying?
try spending weeks in a studio with just that
on loop."
(Speshal)
* IT'S JUST SOAP - "Take two bottles into the
shower? Of course I don't; there's a fucking
shelf in there."
(costas)
>> This Week's Question: Cars <<
We'd like your car stories. Shout incoherently
about other people's driving here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cars/
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Political T-shirts (sponsored linky)
B3tans! Pull a posh bird by going to the pub
wearing a David Cameron T-shirt. We'll also
offer a 15% discount to all readers using code:
B3TAN, so you can still afford your bus home
once they realise you won't be able to take
them on a skiing holiday.
http://tinyurl.com/32ynmyc
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> "Am I dead or not?" <<
Serial killer Rodney Alcala was also a
professional photographer, taking hundreds of
pictures of young women. Now the police have
put up a gallery, to ask whether any of these
girls wound up as victims. For added creepy,
voyeuristic thrills, dig up Alcala's appearance
as a contestant on the US version of Blind Date.
http://snurl.com/alcala
>> Crap sci-fi covers <<
An enviable collection of the most
extraordinarily cheesy science fiction and
fantasy paperback covers. There's commentary
too, but really what more is there to say than
"lol dragon spaceship boobs!"?
http://www.goodshowsir.co.uk/
>> 'Time traveller' pic analysed <<
Is this 1940s photo of a young man in
anachronistic clothing the long-awaited proof
that time travel is real? Well, it seems
unlikely but here's a closer look.
http://snurl.com/timetraveller
>> USB Fun <<
Bloke's plaintive appeal for the return of his
USB flashdrive. Who says romance is dead?
http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/mis/1701584027....
>> Bacon-flavoured envelopes <<
Here's a taste of the future: bacon. Yes, in
the future literally everything will taste of
bacon. And why? Because YOU DEMANDED IT. We
hope you're happy, wallowing in your
pig-flavoured dystopia.
http://www.thinkgeek.com/interests/zombies/d4f6/
>> Lying down game <<
Photos of people stiffly lying in various
inconvenient locations. Both better and funnier
than that sounds.
http://dengedenge.com/2010/04/the-lying-down-game/
>> Celeb drug scandal <<
Exclusive! One of Britain's most famous faces
hoovering up a fat line of coke:
http://i43.tinypic.com/2e2jt5l.jpg
>> 30 minutes of rain <<
Very long recording of a rainstorm - useful
if you have trouble getting to sleep, want to
sound awesome playing an instrument, or if you
just miss the traditional sounds of a British
summer afternoon. (Also the secret as to why
The Doors Riders on the Storm is such a
wonderfully atmospheric record.)
http://www.rainymood.com/
>> Hentai activism <<
Interesting screed from a group fighting
obscenity laws about 'non-photographic visual
depictions of child sexual abuse' on the basis
that it's not harmful, just abhorrent. Woo.
Mind you, it's pretty crazy to think you can
now go to prison for drawing something.
http://www.backlash-uk.org.uk/wp/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
We predict web video will never catch on
>> Justin Timberlake Medley <<
Uber nerds Brett Domino and Steven Peavis
perform a medley of Justin Timberlake hits
using stylophones, theramins, ukeleles and
their own, Northern voices.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Brett_Domino_Justin_Timb...
>> 16 bit-life after the princess has been rescued <<
The hero of an old run and jump arcade game
rescues the princess. He doesn't realise his
troubles have only just begun.
http://snurl.com/16bitreallife
>> Cameron speech cut-up <<
The eerily-youthful Conservative Party leader
reveals his party's secret election manifesto.
Oh god, that's one of the signs of getting old
isn't it? Political leaders start looking
younger.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cameron_Speech_Cut_Up
>> 3D Masterpiece ad <<
Swooping in for a 3D look at classic paintings
reveals... Oh look, whoever's doing Samsung's
ads at the moment we wish you'd stop. They're
so bloody good we're having to run them in the
newsletter for the love of it, rather than
charging someone a big wodge of cash.
http://snurl.com/3dmasterpiece
>> Fake accidents from infomercials <<
Never have you seen such piss-poor acting
collected up into one easy-to-consume video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> David Cameron sings Common People <<
Really rather good lyrics - enjoyable lines
such as, "He told me his dad was loaded, I said
'mine too we should run this country.'"
http://tinyurl.com/2wa9jrt
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Stop raping our eyes, this is hell
* VATICAN PENIS SHOCKER - "I've just noticed
something about where the Pope lives", writes
Jimbotfu, "blimey!"
http://snurl.com/lolvatican
* HITLER PIC FOR SALE ON AMAZON - "This print
certainly adds a certain feeling of gravitas to
my child's bedroom", writes one keen review.
Maybe you'd like to add others?
http://tinyurl.com/23hrvmq
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Opposite Signs Challenge
Last week we wanted you to use antonyms
to give us alternative versions of
classic signs
Your favourites included:
* PENGUINS - health and safety advice
turned upside-down by Antarctic folk
(pzyko)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10007813
* HORSES - classic wordplay featuring
talented art nag (Puromycin)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10007100
* WOMBLES - London Underground sign
punned to devastating effect
(Afinkawan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10005741
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/oppositesigns/
>> New challenge: Flowcharts & Infographics <<
Open up Photoshop, and show us the truth
about anything, using the medium of
infographic and flowchart
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/infographics/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TAN GETS INTO GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS -
and no, it's not a pie-eating competition, he's
visiting as many countries as possible in a
year. So far he's up to 133 and hopes to reach
200.
http://snurl.com/whatididonmyhols
* A CURE FOR GETTING OLD? -"Well, You asked for
it," writes Ace McAce ,"Here's a crazy man
telling us that living to 1,000 years old is
easy. The idea of watching a 20 minute long
lecture might not seem that fun, but it's
actually really interesting!" We can't really
be arsed to sit though this. Life's too short.
http://snurl.com/cutoutthebooze
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: FRIDAY GAME
We've giving you two. Two. It rhymes with poo.
* SYDNEY SHARK - "Best sequel ever to best game
ever" writes ToastMaster.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/533302
* MARIO GAME - "Runny jumpy collecty coiny
thing," writes moogthedog, "And every time he
does, he's joined by a friend. Bit weird, bit
mad, but fun - Some levels are more of a puzzle
than may be expected."
http://www.freewebarcade.com/game/enough-plumbers/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* Money
* Sex
* Ice cream
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bitlow,
Linkin_Parker, asciifaceofbob, Bob The Frog,
DefyingDarwin, littlefish, aliveinabox,
collapsibletank.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via The Coast Of Yemen.
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TOP TIP:
If you ever need insoles in a hurry, panty
liners are perfect; they stick down, absorb
sweat and you can cut them to the right size.
Just make sure you're not going on a plane, it
can be embarrassing when you have to take your
shoes off for the security to look in!
(mellocakes)
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Do you think David Cameron's arse gets jealous
about the amount of shit that constantly comes
out of his mouth? (lp ben)
http://www.sickipedia.org/
