NEWSLETTER: "THE ONE YOU READ WHILE PRETENDING IT'S THE WAITROSE NEWSLETTER #MIDDLECLASSNIGHTMARES"
This Week:
* VEITCH - Makes us laugh despite ourselves
* QUIZ - On books. You love books.
* QUESTION - What professions do you hate the most?
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 430 - 28 May 2010
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue430/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Purple Dr Martin boots
As we're shit at flogging ads - the last thing
Mrs Fuhrer bought on Amazon was a pair of
purple Dr Martin boots. They look pretty mental
and are getting a Marmite reaction with her
public, plus we've taken to calling her wardrobe
"the dressing up box."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0016N1PF...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
It's like basket weaving for digital mentals
>> Diamonds in my poo <<
"I may have diamonds in my poo," claims an
amazingly glammed-up Joel Veitch, "It seems to
be quite likely." Yay - this is our favourite
thing of Joel's for ages and we put it down to
the inspirational love of his brand new shed.
http://b3ta.com/links/I_may_have_diamonds_in_my_po...
>> Judge a book by its cover <<
"Can you tell if a book is any good just by
looking at its cover?" asks enigmatic Rico
Monkeon. Judge for yourself with this quiz,
where you try to guess which of two books got
five star reviews on amazon. Below 50% you
should probably rethink a career in publishing.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/judgeabook/
>> Mini Groove Armada <<
"We got asked to make a low budget video for
Groove Armada's 'Look Me In The Eye Sister',"
explains tedriley74. "We subsequently spent a
lot of late nights sticking mini models to some
fake grass. Hope you like."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mini_Groove_Armada
>> Picture Consequences on your computer <<
"Remember that game where you draw a head, fold
over the paper and then someone else draws the
body and folds it over and so on?" questions
ithinkanddo. "...Then you open it up and
usually have either a really cool drawing or
total crap that doesn't make any sense?" Here's
a digital version that you can play via email
or by harassing your facebook and twitter
chums to help you out.
http://www.drawandfoldover.com/
>> Free Adam Ant costume <<
"Today my friends and I sent Adam Ant some get
well postcards to his new hotel," says geetoo.
"To commemorate the occasion I made a Create
Your Own Adam Ant costume kit." You may need
adult supervision for the more elaborate bits.
http://snurl.com/duranduranmask
>> UGLY BLOKE REVEALS FACE <<
If you've caught the Bête de Jour blog, then
you'll know all about Stan Cattermole’s blog
about his life as an ugly man. The cult read
has taken him from losing his virginity to a
disabled lady, to appearing on GMTV with a bag
on his head. Well, we've got a little secret,
we know who Stan is. We used to work with him a
couple of years back and he's just got in touch
to tell us he's planning on making a grand
reveal on Sunday and finally showing his face
to the world. He writes, "It's been a very weird
two years. I'm really glad it's all over. I'm
having a party on June 4th. In a pub. You
should come. Invite all your readers."
http://betedejour.blogspot.com
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Good Advice
No offence, but the internet is one of the last
places we'd look for advice, yet last week's
question has collected some lovely bits of
digital hand-holding for the tentative:
http://b3ta.com/questions/goodadvice/
* PUMPKINS ARE EVIL - "Once, when I was a student,
I had to take a pumpkin to a Halloween party.
On foot. 3 miles. Don’t ask. This pumpkin was
HUGE; it was a pumpkin in need of a gastric
by-pass. To avoid back strain, I cunningly
devised straps so that I could wear like a
rucksack. Clever girl. Leaving my room, straining
against my ponderous burden, I locked my door
and dropped my keys between my feet. I speedily
bent forwards to pick them up... WHACK!
Darkness... My pumpkin counterweight had swung
forwards off my shoulders and cracked me across
the back of the head, rendering me unconscious
for 3 hours. Slapstick: it can happen to YOU."
(HaHa!Snakes!)
* BARRISTERS ARE EVIL TOO - "I wish I'd listened:
Never marry a barrister. You will never win an
argument for the rest of your married life...
When she once said, 'I refer you to the comments
you made on the 3rd of August.' in the heat of
a row, I knew that any response I could ever
give would be doomed to fail. The divorce wasn't
that fun either. On the plus side I did use to
play Zorro with her robes."
(herd of chickens)
* AND SO IS HOUSEWORK - "Fuck the housework
and take the kids on a picnic. You've never
heard anyone say, 'I had a brilliant childhood,
the bathroom was always spotless...'"
(twattybanjo)
>> This Week's Question: Hated professions <<
Which profession to you hate most? Surely you've
paid some jumped-up twerp with a qualification
far too much for far too little recently? Foam
at the mouth here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/professions/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Doctor Who sex attack <<
Blog on how the good Doctor was recently a
victim of sexual assault and what your reaction
to that says about you. You're probably a far
worse person than you thought you were.
http://snurl.com/ohnerdsyoureallyarebusyarentyou
>> Nudey CSS cleverness <<
Clever bit of coding - it's all perfectly safe
for work, until you select all of the text and
colour is applied to each letter.
http://fichtre.net/yop.html
>> Photos of dead Victorian children <<
Strange, haunting images of dead Victorian
children. Apparently it was common practice
back in those days. Of course, everybody in a
Victorian photograph is dead by now so your
mileage may vary.
http://snurl.com/challengingwankmaterial
>> Inappropriate children's books <<
An artist from Pixar has made a set of
children's book illustrations, each a film
adaptation that's highly inappropriate for
kids. Can you guess them all? We were kind of
stuck on number 4.
http://snurl.com/sortoffunnyishmaybe
>> Caitlin Moran interviews Lady Gaga <<
Journalist Caitlin Moran went and got drunk
with Lady Gaga and now they are best friends
forever and braid each others' hair. Also, she
got a very informative interview out of it.
Very, very informative.
http://snurl.com/caitlinisfromwolverhampton
>> The big caption <<
Stories from the news with a great big caption
slapped on top. This could easily be the future
of the newspaper cartoon.
http://thebigcaption.com/
>> Awesome review of Sex and the City 2 <<
We're not sure at what point this brilliantly
spiteful review jumps the rails and ploughs on
into bile-fuelled fantasy. Maybe it's all true
- in which case, we may go see SATC2, if only
to make ourselves enjoyably sick with contempt
(and popcorn).
http://snurl.com/wouldntwithyours
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Bean-cat
"So, my flatmate's cat decided that my
boyfriend's beanbag was as good a place as any
to pee, meaning that it had to be washed,"
explains none. "So my flatmate dumped the beans
into the bathtub and went to throw it in the
wash. When he came back, Lily was sniffing
around the tub, so he put her in it, expecting
her to get scared and jump out. Instead, this
is what she did..." while defecating
uncontrollably.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but with not cabinet that looks like books
>> The pianowl <<
The wondrous pianowl neither resembles an owl,
nor sounds like a piano but here are
instructions on how to make one for yourself.
http://snurl.com/birdsarefunny
>> Rap Against Rape <<
It's not all musical fun and games in the world
of Irish hip-hop; there's a serious message
too. Don't go out raping. It's wrong. Fashion
fans may like to note that this is how they did
retro back in the Nineties.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rap_Against_Rape
>> Pixel art documentary <<
Interesting examination of the pixel art and
chip tune scene and how 3D is just a fad -
8-bit forever!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Kung Fu Bear <<
Can this really be real? Our first thought was
surely it's a bloke in a suit. Second thought -
bears can't actually be shit and clumsy at
everything or they'd die in the wild. Anyway,
prepare to disbelieve your eyes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bear_FU
>> Batshit-crazy I Will Always Love You <<
Slow start, but this Whitney Houston lip-sync
act at a Filipino talent competition rapidly
turns into something very, very different and
quite scary.
http://snurl.com/omgmentals
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Suicide would be preferable
* Daffydil writes, "for the oh-so-hilarious
names corner - Can I offer you a jizzachino,
sir?"
http://www.bj-coffee.ch/
* BUGGER GRIPS - recently a friend mentioned
they were launching a product - 'grips for
laptops' and we suggested renaming them bugger
grips and selling them for the iPad. The silly
fool only went and listened to us:
http://www.buggergrips.co.uk/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Olympic Mascot Challenge
Last week we wanted you to mock Wenlock &
Mandeville, London's foolish Olympic mascots
Your favourites included:
* EYES - the planning committee didn't
have to look far for the perfect pair
of one-eyed goons (finbar)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10057931
* CCTV - cutting urban satire wrapped up
in a black cloak of irony (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10055586
* FLAME - possibly the greatest debut
post in the history of great debut posts
(eatcrayons)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10063263
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascots/
>> New challenge: Animated Albums <<
We found a load of animated versions of
classic album covers on the internet, but
we reckon you can do better. So fire up
Photoshop, select a sleeve, and animate.
Animate HARD.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animatedalbums/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MAKE VIZ TOP TIPS REAL - Itsallaboutcake
asks, "Can b3ta make this? @VizTopTips: WALL'S.
Expand your pork & ice cream empire with a
range of meaty 'Breakfast Viennettas'."
* NEW SHIT IPHONE APPS - RedPixelle ask, "How
about a LOLCrap app that adds a random shit
caption to every photo?"
* 100-MINUTE EDIT OF LOST - Andeh pleads, "can
someone edit together the most important 100
minutes of the whole 6 series into a feature
length film that still makes sense?"
* TYPING MAN-HOURS LOST - starsnip asks, "Was
just wondering, due to having to type in www
and . all the time. Anyone got any idea how
many times the www or the . is typed in
throughout the world in any given day?"
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Damocles, Manic,
Hellzapoppin, imsosorry, Labia Majora Jolly
Rogered, BadBadman, ccc. Top Tippery by
sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickilols via
vilification. Subjlols via Griffy Savalas.
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: UNTESTED TOP TIPS THAT SOUND DANGEROUS:
Do you have really hard cracked skin on your
heels? Use an electric sander on your feet. Use
a medium grain sandpaper. It gets a bit warm
and creates a lot of very fine white dust, but
works perfectly.
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From the 70s sexism corner that is sickipedia,
"Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a
command."
http://www.sickipedia.org/
