NEWSLETTER: "IN THE TIME IT TAKES TO READ THIS, SOMEONE ELSE WILL HAVE BECOME A 'SOCIAL MEDIA EXPERT'"
This Week:
* NOISE - Vuvuzela remover
* INTERVIEW - Richard Herring talks to b3ta
* BP - Coffee spill
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're injecting
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | heroin into our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| cocks... together"
B3ta email 433 - 18 Jun 2010
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue433/
Friends: [email protected]
Bastards: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Sick of your electricity bills going to pay for
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Maybe you’d prefer to get proper green
electricity from Ecotricity, a British energy
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Hello potential sponsors. We're need money to
pay for a shed to run B3ta HQ from.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Lots of sexy shit, man
>> World Cup web browsing <<
"From the clever people that brought you
burkavision..." begins majoringram. "It's
VUVUZELA TIME!"
http://www.vuvuzela-time.co.uk/www.b3ta.com
>> YOU interview Richard Herring <<
We asked the massed hordes of b3ta for
questions to ask comedy legend Richard Herring.
Then Rob *made him answer them*! Yes, for that
is how interviews work, and this one turned out
pretty well. Choice words of wisdom: "Staying
young is about staying interested".
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/richardherring/
>> Deaf Mugger <<
"The government has a scheme called Access to
Work which pays for disabled people to get the
assistance they need to do their job properly,"
explains helmsdeep. "I thought, taken to its
logical conclusion, that deaf criminals could
do the same."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Deaf_Mugger
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Bad management
Last week we asked about bad managers and, as
usual, got lots of really great stories then
found it really hard to pick ones for the
newsletter because they're all so bloody long.
So this week, in a break from tradition, we're
running them mostly as links.
* HEART WARMING STORY ABOUT NOT ALL MANAGERS
ARE BAD - possibly a bit of social marketing
planted by an insurance company, mind you.
(dchurch)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/badmanagement/post75...
* MR MALAPROPISM - comedy writers! Ever stuck
for a formula to make jokey characters? The
Malapropism - the substitution of a word for a
word with a similar sound or meaning - is your
friend. Best example here being, "I'm watching
you like a hawk. Too-wit too-woo!" (Jackie
Chan's Lovechild)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/badmanagement/post75...
* INTERNET USAGE POLICY - "A friend of mine
worked for a company which relied heavily on
internet resources. After a take-over, the new
internet usage policy gradually got worse and
worse as you read down the page, until point 9,
which read: 9. Under no circumstances must the
internet be used for (a) upload or (b) download
of data. Sigh." (Amish Information Systems )
>> This Week's Question: Stick it to The Man <<
From little victories over your bank manager to
epic wins over the law - tell us how you've put
one over authority. Right on, kids! Suggestion
from Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/theman/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Vuvuzela remover <<
Always working to help humanity, geeks are
making audio filters to remove the vuvuzela
sound from the World Cup. We're making a filter
which replaces the football with interesting
documentaries from Radio 4.
http://snurl.com/nerdsgloriousnerds
>> Stuff no-one told me <<
Charming illustrations accompany life lessons
you wish someone had told you.
http://stuffnoonetoldme.blogspot.com/
>> Swing-o-matic <<
The Swinger automatically stretches any tune
you like into swing time. Worth it just for
swinging Sting.
http://musicmachinery.com/2010/05/21/the-swinger/
>> Models bare all in new calendar <<
You can really see everything they've got.
Which is, of course, because they are being
X-rayed. Insert your own 'boner' joke here.
http://www.geekosystem.com/x-ray-pin-up-calendar/
>> Best actress CV <<
Excellent imdb entry, but she should be afraid
of getting type-cast.
http://imdb.to/aB7D1
>> Notting Hill's hidden posters <<
London Underground workers recently uncovered a
wall of posters dating from the late 1950s.
That was back when posters were the most
awesome form of advertising and had all the
best people and all of the money. Nowadays that
would be Google Adwords.
http://snurl.com/tubeywoo
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Two for one bonus! Thank you b3ta!
>> Ridley Scott's Monopoly <<
"Rumour has it that Ridley Scott is making a
feature film based on the board game Monopoly,"
claims Ornsack. "Over a couple of pints we
dreamed up what the trailer may look like." It
looks a lot like win.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ridley_Scotts_Monopoly
>> Top 30 annoying fanboys <<
Which foolish nerd stereotype do you fall
under? Dave and Rob have compiled this
spotter's guide for e4. To be honest, it was so
long ago we'd actually forgotten everything
about it. Spent a pleasant few minutes reading
it again - you should go look at it too.
http://www.e4.com/wtf/fanboys/index.html
>> Pork Force <<
"I've just put this up - Pork Force!"
ejaculates Joel Veitch. "I'm ridiculously
excited about it, really think it's one of the
best things I've ever done." Joel feels this
way about everything he's ever done - and
that's one of the reasons he's such a fricking
star. Anyway, this one's a corker, so enjoy!
http://b3ta.com/links/Pork_Force
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a Gameboy camera but in colour
>> When BP spills coffee <<
Behind-the-scenes look at the oil company's
crisis management team in all their glory.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/When_BP_spills_coffee
>> Caravan fail <<
Bunch of blokes have a bit of trouble towing a
caravan out of a garage. "Well that's fucked
it."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Extreme arts & crafts activities <<
Death metal dad tries to keep his little
daughter entertained. But how?
http://snurl.com/pendulumsnextvideo
>> New Ok Go video <<
Like all their other videos, this one is
brilliant - like all their other songs this one
is, eh, it's fine. Inventive fun with
time-lapse, tracksuits and a friendly goose.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Ok_Go_Video
>> Whelan & Dealin <<
This really made us want a Father Ted-style
sitcom based on drug dealers. Or perhaps just
to listen to some Irish people talking about
anything at all. What a lovely accent.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_off_me_box
>> Kitten fluff <<
Adorable baby cat sees a mirror for the very
first time. Awwww.
http://snurl.com/catsaretwats
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Redefining the word funny to mean misery
* THOMAS CONDOM - jellybeanflicker writes,
"Oddly, I'm asking you to ignore the batshit
insane plan of whitewashing a mountain to make
it look like it has snow on top (well, I know
that isn't the idea, but it's about all the
good it will do) Scroll down about 2/3 of the
way down."
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/latin_america/103...
* CLINT LOOKS LIKE CUNT - the oldest joke in
the book but always wins.
http://bit.ly/bpg3h7
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Progress from the World Cup Challenge
Last week we asked you to 'shop the
football thingie. We're keeping the
challenge open, but in the meantime...
Our favourites have included:
* SHINING - the vuvuzela makes a
terrifying, unexpected appearance
(Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10091486
* 1966 - if ITV had been covering the
World Cup the year wot we won (benito
vasselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10089279
* SWERVE - Beckham's historic goal
against Greece examined from a new
angle (Bambleweeny 57)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10087173
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/worldcup/
>> New challenge: Mock Green Britain Day <<
We've all seen those annoying Green
Britain Day posters with random celebs
saying how green they are. And all
brought to you by a company that's big,
nuclear and owned by the French. Can you
help improve Green Britain Day for them?
And surely there's better, inappropriate
people to front it? Photoshop and do your
worst. Image challenge sponsored by
Ecotricity who are properly green and
will supply the winner with free
electricity for a year (up to £500).
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/MockGreenBritainDay/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MY GRANDMA IS BANKSY AND SHE'S BEEN OUTED IN
THE ONION - helmsdeep writes, "The Onion
editor Joe Randazzo tweeted a month or so ago
asking if anyone had any English Grandmothers.
I replied, said I did. He asked me to take
some pics of her for an article. A month later
this is the result...!"
http://snurl.com/onionylols
* MINORLY INCORRECT CULTURAL REFERENCES -
WillI'mNot writes, "The Ginger Fuhrer wouldn't
have bought his Matsui personal stereo in
Dixons. Dixons sold Saisho, Currys sold Matsui.
I'm so very sorry." Ha ha - well spotted! This
is correct - it was Currys and an older boy at
school had a Saturday job there and could get
us 10% off anything we wanted. And we didn't
have to do him sex favours or anything!
* HOW TO MAKE AWFUL BOOZE - CapnChkn says,
"Well! Youse guise is trying to make booze?
Handy tip, take bananas. Stir them up until
they're moosh, paste, etc. Add some water and
sugar to get it going, then when you have all
your fruits and goodies ready (I liked to use
old oranges, because they would make
penicillin.) add and let it ferment for 7 days.
"It don tase good, but it'll getchu f**ked up!"
Can somebody try this for us? We don't want to
die.
* CREATIONIST MUSEUM NOT IN PORTSMOUTH - lots
of you including jugglinbob wrote in on this
issue. "That piece in last week's newsletter
about the creationist museum wasn't the one in
Portsmouth. This one (although as
scientifically idiotic), at least had a certain
"production" quality. The one in Portsmouth
not so much. Just look it up on google images.
It's a disused pub."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
http://www.genesisexpo.co.uk/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Fold the world
In the world of play-them-once-and-forget Flash
games the current thing is to make a platformer
and give it a gimmicky twist in the controls.
If you want to earn a few quid on Kontraband
you could do worse than spending a day
brainstorming such quirks.
http://www.nitrome.com/games/faultline/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* YOUTUBE FARTER - Crap Little Monkey wants a,
"Youtube changer that adds fart noises to quiet
gaps in youtube vids. Turn any speech into a
fight against flatulence."
* B3TAN SECRET HANDSHAKE - God_of_the_mind
asks, "A friend and I were recently having a
conversation regarding the freemasons, part of
which was focused on their 'secret handshake'
which they use to identify one another (or so I
am led to believe). Anyway, wouldn't it be
rather spiffing if there was a secret b3ta
handshake; one which, when shaking the hand of
another, would allow us to identify a fellow
b3tan? Feel free to put forward the idea if
anyone has any ideas how such a handshake would
be carried out. Perhaps an instructional video
as a guide?'
* RAPE STICKS - Don't know what this means but
we're filling space and that was the first
thing that came out. Err. So send us some rape
sticks, whatever they might be.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by planearm,
@rmt_1982, Cap'n, I'm dreaming of a
WhiteRussian, Pesky Young Scamp, Damocles, Sir
Sand Goblin, Bob Todd, cornucopia, codepo8,
Smale, @davidschneider, Skeletor, pissflaps
Subjlol by monkeon. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Sickijoke via Craig.M
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What's big, Scottish and depressing?
Scotland.
