NEWSLETTER: "PRINCE PHILLIP HAS HIS INVITE TO THE BNP'S BARBEQUE WITHDRAWN"
This Week:
* SONG - Dave the Fridge
* LIES - In online dating. Surely no!
* SURFING - On tarps
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "My dog's got no dick.
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | How does it smell? Like
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Semen, blood and antiseptic"
B3ta email 438 - 23 Jul 2010
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue438/
Shits: [email protected]
Bigger shits: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Inflate your knob like a balloon
Another week, another filler ad from Amazon. We
typed 'penis' into the Search to see what we'd
get and we're pleased to report that Amazon is
now flogging penis pumps. Some of the reviews
are sort of amusing, but we reckon you could
liven them up a bit. Go on. Spoil yourself.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00345GTX...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Fridge, Cows and Shopping
>> Dave the Fridge <<
"Here's something we made with the comedian
Gareth Richards," cries thatchersarse. "Hope
you like!" Catchy song about why his mate is
very like a fridge.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dave_the_Fridge
>> Cows and cows and cows <<
This is what cattle get up to when nobody's
looking. The usual, mind-melting stuff from
Cyriak. "Enjoy the many cows!" he tinkles.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/cows_and_cows_and_cows
>> Found shopping lists <<
"I keep finding shopping lists," explains
Wildyles. "There are some interesting people
out there, none more so than the idiot hunting
around trollies for old lists." Enjoy his
unnecessarily bile-filled critique of others'
grocery choices.
http://foundshoppinglist.wordpress.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
You're doing it wrong
Most of us have suddenly realised we've been
doing something the wrong way all our lives,
but only this lot will admit to it. Click to
find out just where 'cname' got his hand stuck:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wrongness/
* CHOC - "A girl I once worked in a pub with
had a customer ask for a hot chocolate. Not
having ever made one before, but not wanting
to look like a div, she improvised thusly:
1) Pour about half a jar of hot chocolate
powder into the kettle. 2) Fill the kettle
with milk. 3) Turn on the kettle... It sort
of made a fuzzley noise for a minute and
started to crackle and emit burnt chocolatey
smoke. In fairness, several bar-hanging regulars
and I had watched her throughout the whole
process, and could have corrected her, but
we were too enthralled."
(SnowyTheRabbit)
* CHOP - "Worked for a kitchen fitter. I was
young. I was tasked with cutting out the hole
for the sink. I marked the hole out on the
worktop and then took to it with a jigsaw.
Yes, you guessed it. A perfect sink sized
piece of worktop is what I was left with, the
rest of the worktop cut to fucking bits to
get to the sink sized piece. Boy was my face
red. Because he punched me."
(Spaff_Quaffer)
* WHAT? - "I've been with my boyfriend for ten
years, and I always wondered why his mother -
Wendy - didn't like me very much. Last year,
he finally got round to telling me that her
name is Liz."
(Punkygirl)
>> This Week's Question: guilty laughs <<
We want you to tell us about the times your
sense of humour has gone beyond taste and
decency. Personally, it's once a week, on
Friday mornings. How about you?
http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltylaughs/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Dear Blank, Please Blank <<
Anonymous notes to whoever. Mostly
observational humour in the form of a letter.
Enjoyed this more the further we read.
http://www.dearblankpleaseblank.com/
>> Biggest lies in online dating <<
People on dating sites exaggerate their height,
their income and, oddly, how bisexual they are.
Fascinating statistical analysis from OK Cupid.
http://snurl.com/datinglies
>> News mystery man <<
Who is this mysterious character, suddenly
ubiquitous on UK TV? He never seems to change
his clothes or his hair. Is he a prankster? A
crazy person? Or a sinister army of clones?
http://snurl.com/tvmysteryman
>> Journey through fruit <<
Animated MRI scans of fruit and veg produce
compelling images, like organic fireworks.
http://insideinsides.blogspot.com/
>> What BP could have bought <<
Here's some of the stuff that BP could have
bought with the money they lost off their
market valuation. It's not real money, of
course, but there are some good comedy
suggestions here. Really, can you imagine
anyone actually paying for Yahoo?
http://snurl.com/lookatwhattheycouldhavewon
>> My procedural <<
Writer retells a gripping incident from his own
life, to illustrate what it's like to pitch
ideas for police procedural TV show. Hope he
writes a whole book of these - we'd read it.
http://snurl.com/sledgehammerandwhore
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
It's YouTube with different stylesheets
>> Newport (Ymerodraeth State of Mind) <<
Celebration of the small Welsh town, in a Jay-Z
& Alicia Keys style. Newport is a hotbed of
rap, being the hometown of Goldie Lookin' Chain.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Newport_Ymerodraeth_Stat...
>> Mel Gibson vs Old Spice guy <<
When massive memes meet, they make odd little
meme babies. But who are we to deny them their
moment to shine?
http://bit.ly/c5Dqw6
>> Bunny Show Jumping <<
Rabbits compete athletically for your delight.
We enhanced our viewing pleasure by replacing
the soundtrack with Nine Inch Nails 'Just Like
You Imagined' for that 'epic' feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Pug sings Batman <<
A lot funnier than it should be.
http://youtu.be/GrIp3k5pJQM
>> The Chipophone <<
An old electric organ converted into an 8-bit
synth to play live chip tune music. "It has
built-in arpeggios, man!" raves a fired-up Rob.
Old synths used to cheat at chords by playing
single notes for a microsecond at a time, like
stop-motion for the ear, and creating an odd
trilling sound.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Chipophone
>> Incredible particle physics demo <<
Some sort of hyped-up cgi demonstration, which
excites us just thinking about how good games
are going to look in a few years. Yes,
Farmville 2.0 will be pretty fucking sweet.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Amazing_particle_physics...
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: GO SEE BEN WHEATLEY'S FILM
Down Terrace
Old-school B3tan Ben writes -
"My feature film 'Down Terrace' finally makes
it to the cinema. I am having to write this
because Rob angrily replied, 'I AM TOO LAZY TO
WRITE YOUR PUFF.' So here it is: Down Terrace
plays at the ICA from the 30th of July for a
week. It's won a load of prizes and has had
good reviews. So go and see it. There's seven
deaths and lots of swearing. Thanks Ben."
http://www.ica.org.uk/24942/Film/Down-Terrace.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Mel Gibson Challenge
Last week we wanted you to 'shop feisty Mr
Gibson
Your favourites included:
* ATTACK - Mel finds himself the subject of
some unwelcome attention (benito vasselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10126352
* SADDAM - you can run, but you can't hide
(Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10128352
* GALLERY - maximum Gibson, as the Lethal
Weapon star gets framed (eclectech)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10125054
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/melgibson/
>> New challenge: Big Ben <<
It's the go-to landmark that appears in films
if the director needs to show that the action
has suddenly switched to London. It's Big Ben.
It's this week's challenge. 'Shop it.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bigben/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* "I'VE MADE A SINGLE WITH ARMANDO IANNUCCI",
writes old-school b3tan Fat Boab, "Dead
chuffed, like."
http://snurl.com/iannucciplayspop
* KITTENS INSPIRE SCIENCE - "One for 'What
happened next'?" prompts Fraser correctly.
http://snurl.com/kittycrowdsourcing
* NINA THE SNOW LEOPARD - Jahled writes, "Kerry
came to the Trust today to meet the snow
leopard named after Nina."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10129709
* HOW MUCH HEROIN WILL KILL YOU? - chris
monkboy writes, "As a scientist, I, and no
doubt thousands of other scientists will be
informing you that virtually every chemical
that you can buy has an MSDS sheet available to
go with it. In answer to your question, a
typical lethal dose for heroin would be about
7.82 mg per KG." He also suggests you look up
Ethanol for some very dry lols.
http://www.lookchem.com/HEROIN/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* GOVERNMENT WARNINGS ON NEWS STORIES - like
how much saturated bullshit there is per 100
grams.
* iPHONE LICKERS - "I think you should set a
competition for people with an iPhone and who
can text the fastest with their tongue," says
Donkey Gums.
* A BUTTON TO ROUND UP A TWITTER HATE MOB -
always useful if you want to hound some poor
bastard into insanity.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
bennyhillslovechild, Jonhorsley,
williamtheblood, scaryduck, Cakie, King of
Beers, Monkey Tennis, Simon Pegg, coax_k,
Sn0tters. Top Tippery by Amorous Badger.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via monkeon.
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