NEWSLETTER: "GET YOUR TAX MONEY BACK BY ROBBING FROM A CATHOLIC COLLECTION PLATE"
This Week:
* POPE STUFF - Yeah, big surprise there
* QUESTION - Confess your awful druggy ways
* VIDEO - Tourette's guy sings Erasure
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're holding our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | poos in for Jesus
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 446 - 17 Sep 2010
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue446/
CAKE: [email protected]
LIES: [email protected]
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: HOORAY! WE'VE SOLD SOME ADVERTISING!
We love the iPod Clinic!
Have you bust your iPod or iPhone so it's
sitting in your sock drawer doing nothing? Get
it fixed at a great price. And we won't give you
any condescending looks like those shits in the
Apple store either.
http://www.theipodclinic.co.uk/.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
You like selling products. We like your money:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA PEOPLE VS THE POPE
A commemorative cut out and keep selection
In celebration of the Pope visiting we
considered revisiting the old B3ta quiz format
with 'Papist or Child Rapist' but couldn't
actually be arsed so thank god then that the
B3tans have been doing almost nothing else this
week but making Pope-related mockery lols.
>> Looks like the Vatican sent a decoy... <<
Haywood Manley sends us exclusive footage that
shows that we're just being visited by another
of Benedict's nefarious Pope-bots. Reminiscent
of the creepy fortune teller from Big.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Looks_like_the_Vatican_s...
>> "The Pope's coming to my home town" <<
Rapper Dan Bull is readying himself for the
papal visit. "I've written him a welcome letter.
Can anyone think of some way I could actually
make sure he sees it? I have a vague plan
involving balloons."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Popes_coming_to_my_h...
>> Pope's visit to Edinburgh <<
"I'm sure I've watched this scene somewhere
before," muses masakatsu. This *totally* should
have happened. It rocks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Popes_visit_to_Edinburgh
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING
...that isn't about the Pope
>> Boyz N the Ring <<
"Gandalf brings Hip Hop back to Middle Earth!"
claims Leonards. Lovingly-assembled re-edit of
the Lord of the Rings, with added bling.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boyz_N_the_Ring
>> How to feel like you are floating in space <<
Here's frox's 5 easy steps:
1) attach camera to balloon
2) send balloon in stratosphere
3) take a bunch of photos
4) assemble in 360° panorama
4a) (optional): take substances
5) look at panorama (use the link below)
6) panic that there's a big, black hole in the world!
http://francescobonomi.it/minihab/stratospera/pano...
>> The Labour leadership race effing ROCKS! <<
"Well not really," confesses Dan Bull. "But I
have tried my best to make it seem that way in
this strange musical guide." Here's info to
identify the Milliband twins, although you can
also tell them apart by turning them upside
down and examining the underside.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Labour_leadership_ra...
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: HELL YEAH MORE ADVERTISING!
Completely brilliant iPhone game
Meatstroke is the Adult Swim iPhone game that
combines meat, sunburn and bald clouds. We know
what you're thinking. FINALLY, somebody
developed that.
http://bit.ly/meatstroke
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The Easiest Job In The World
Last week we asked for the easiest jobs you'd
ever done. Go and be jealous, and then just a
little sad at the sheer lack of ambition
exhibited here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/easyjob/
* "One fine Monday morning we turned up for work
to discover that the roof had collapsed over the
weekend. Unfortunately the ceiling was made of
asbestos tiles, so a specialist cleanup team had
to be called in. Our boss didn't like the idea
of strangers handling our delicate and expensive
equipment, so asked for volunteers to properly
disconnect it all, ready for decontamination.
Since this included wearing an awesome
spacesuit, I stepped forward. It was an odd
sensation, knowing that outside your little
bubble of safety, the familiar-looking office
was filled with invisible death. Frankly I would
have done it for shits and giggles, and was
expecting perhaps a pub lunch on the company.
Quite surprised to find a £300 bonus at the end
of the month, for about an hour spent breathing
like Darth Vader and going "beep" at the end of
every sentence..." (moon monkey)
* "I once got a job with a mail-order firm. On
my first day, a guy was appointed to show me the
ropes - he led me down into an area where all
the stock was on shelves, ready for picking,
pointed to one rack of shelves and said, "you
get up there." He then climbed up on to the top
of the rack on the other side, stretched out and
went to sleep. I quit on the third day, driven
crazy by the piped muzak but still having no
idea what I was supposed to do." (adognaduck)
* "I am a boner. My job title is literally
'boner.' I add the skeletal rigs to 3D
characters for animation - a process known as
boning. Ergo I am a boner. It's an easy enough
job. I boned a wizard last night." (Digeridude)
>> This Week's Question: Drugs <<
Had a problem with drugs? Accidentally got off
your tits on night nurse? Talk to us here. For
hours and hours and hours:
http://b3ta.com/questions/massivedrugs/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Why women hate men <<
A collection of toe-curlingly shit online dating
ads posted by men. Amusing, but titling it "why
women hate men" makes us meanly think "why some
women turn into spinsters - because they judge
all men by the behaviour of some."
http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/
>> In Soviet Russia the games retro YOU <<
The problem with internet porn is you get bored
of the vanilla stuff and after a few years end
up as a fully-fledged pervert looking at stuff
that would make Gary Glitter wince. So it goes
with retro gaming, you start with a few
Spectrum emulators and end up with the hard
stuff - 80s Russian arcade machines:
http://snurl.com/redpixels
>> Celebrity feet <<
And speaking of internet perverts - why not
check out a whole wiki dedicated to photos of
celebrities' feet? We were briefly tempted to
troll it with photos of our favourite celebs
like Simon le Bon and William Shatner.
http://www.wikifeet.com/
>> Amazon makes mini joke <<
Lols all round here - first off the book is
about Mother Teresa and is called "The
Missionary Position", and secondly the price is
the Satanicly pleasing £6.66.
http://snurl.com/13ly6u
>> Tooth story <<
Doesn't sound that compelling does it? A story
about a tooth? But go on, read it, a charming
blog with loads of illustrations. You will be
entertained. Promise.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/09/part...
>> Discrepancies of perception <<
Clever comic-strip illustrates the ways we're
often wrong about the world around us.
Particular favourite: the panels on feeling
unlucky.
http://www.viruscomix.com/page528.html
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like real life but with compression artefacts
>> Tourette's guy sings Erasure <<
All music is improved by having it sung Karaoke
style by a guy with Tourette's. Especially when
it's Erasure. We'd like to see this guy do
children's parties.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Compare / contrast phone adverting <<
Two mobile phone ads turned up this week with
opposite approaches. Samsung have made a
fantastic viral that's a joy to watch, featuring
a little girl dancing, but its connection with
the product is tenuous. Whereas Nokia have done
a simpler stop-motion, filmed by Aardman, but it
works as a product demo because it was actually
filmed on a phone. Which is better? There's only
one way to find out... fight!
http://www.youtube.com/watch (Nokia)
http://www.youtube.com/watch (Samsung)
>> Google Instant being put to good use <<
Great idea for a cheapo video here. Stick the
lyrics to a listy song into the new funky
version of Google and use the power of video
editing to get the timing right. Would also work
for We Didn't Start The Fire and Hello by The
Beloved. All together now, "Zippy, Bungle and
Jeffery Archer."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Google_Instant_being_put...
>> A terrifying climb <<
One would think that workers who scale the
heights of radio and TV broadcast towers would
use some kind of safety harness, as they ascend
to their worksite. One would be wrong. EDIT NOTE:
Perhaps not safe for lunch. BTW: If this link is
down google around, as it keeps disappearing due
to a copyright issue.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_terrifying_climb
>> Woman goes back to work after 30 years <<
Very short but what a great visual gag. Top
marks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Woman_goes_back_to_work_...
>> I love my life as a dickhead <<
This link was everywhere last Friday and we
just missed sticking it in the newsletter by
minutes but here we are, a week later, telling
you about the micro trends of yester week.
Welcome to b3ta Gold.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_love_my_life_as_a_dick...
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: FOLLOW FRIDAY
Introducing that cool new product... Twitter!
There's been a long tradition of fake celeb
accounts for lols on Twitter - favourites
include @dianainheaven ("Just realised I've been
walking around all day with my left bollock
hanging out.") and @CherylKerl ("Yerz kna
listnin tuh Mawvin King's TUC speech haz made uz
reassess mei thorts on causes a wor bankin
crisis man pet an aall.")
Our new favourite is the shit Britpop-tastic
@reallybanderson and here are some of his recent
tweets:
* Bumped into Loz from Kingmaker today. Says they
are re-uniting and he has changed his name to
"Lolz", to appeal to "the kids". Tragic.
* All Bran and Coco Pops in one bowl? Brett
Anderson knows the score.
* My next 25 new followers will receive a genuine
piece of Richard Oakes' BMX bike as a prize.
He'll probably be fine about it.
http://twitter.com/reallybanderson
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Albums Challenge
Last week we wanted you to re-market classic
albums for a new demographic
Your favourites included:
* EMINEM - Slim Shady gets some new hair and a
dandy costume (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10182109
* U2 - Bono's bunch drop the pomposity and usher
in a new era of knob gags and comedy moustaches
(Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10181625
* JOY - classic album art given a refreshing,
pneumatic twist (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10183885
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/marketingalbums/
>> New challenge: Retro Sci-Fi II <<
Back in September 2008, a classic B3ta compo
emerged: make sci-fi retro. In true
science-fiction style, it's high time for a
sequel, so open up photoshop, and show us more
(new) examples of the fantastical future,
yesterday. Challenge suggested by The Great
Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scifisequel/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* KUNTANDTHEGANG MAKE A MUSICAL - nothing if not
ambitious is the young Kunt and he's bashed
together a full cast recording of Shannon
Matthews: The Musical. Pre-order your CD now.
http://www.kuntandthegang.co.uk
* PENIS TONE FM - Bryo writes, "just had a quick
listen to the sound of genitalia and it is a
really good radio station! In the afternoon has
pretty much the same playlist as BBC 6music and
bonus of broad Yorkshire accents from the DJs
and adverts. Thanks B3TA!"
http://www.penistonefm.co.uk/
* BATTERY MOANS - many of your wrote in with
sympathy about our battery problems. Lots of
recommendations for USB Rechargables - who we
have mentioned before: they stuck us on a press
release list and we got emailed every time they
farted. Also ajbeaumont, who writes, "HEY
HOMOS. Batteries are so last century. A bit of
wood, some wires and hey presto - Apple's magic
mouse running on USB. Love you, bye!!!!"
http://snurl.com/usbtrackpad
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* E-FIT-ALIKES - marko_b_1 asks, "Can you
suggest in the things we'd like to see section a
website that shows police e-fits and an actual
picture of the criminal once they are caught
please? I think this would be awesome but I'm a
spaz and can't make it myself."
* AN iPHONE APP FOR READING THE B3TA QUESTION OF
THE WEEK - there's gold in those archives and we
reckon they'd make perfect phone reading.
* AN OFF BUTTON FOR FACEBOOK PLACES - oh there
probably is one but we couldn't find it easily,
it's like Facebook want us to use this shit or
something.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKINGS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Lu, Tab
Hunter, mousemonkey, Griffy Savalas, ttdi,
Terry Mynott, Mrs. Sp@m, PokeHQ,
jemimah_knight, Peter (Lowe!) / pgl (sorry for
not crediting you last week). subjlols via
Griffy Savalas. Top Tippery by A Vagabond.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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: TOP TIP:
Enjoy the benefits of date rape without the
concern about prosecution, by simply spiking
your own drink and having a wank.
