NEWSLETTER: "SPECIAL CHRIS MOYLES CHARITY FUNDRAISER EDITION"
This Week:
* FUCK MY EYES - Funny name corner is back
* VIDEO - Dog on escalator
* CUTE - Sandkittens!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're deluding ourselves
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | that Amstrad invented the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| iPad... together"
B3ta iMail 447 - 24 Sep 2010
Making sub-NTK gags like "Cisco Sucks" since 2001
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue446/
Cum bread: [email protected]
Period Jam: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
A Hand in the Bush: the Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting
Just realised we can use Amazon to see what we
were buying in 1999 and - gosh - shitty, old
VHS tapes and CDs were expensive! However,
we're not linking to our first-ever purchase
(some dull book about Blur?!) but our 4th - a
book we bought for the title alone, thinking it
would make a good comedy Christmas gift for the
then-girlfriend. She was rather alarmed to find
it was mostly a collection of line drawings of
lesbians fisting each other. We broke up
shortly afterwards.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/189015902...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than wanking in Portaloos
>> Dog on an escalator <<
"My dog leads a simple life," confesses Waruu.
"Needless to say, he knows very little of the
workings of an escalator. A fact which he
brilliantly displayed on a recent trip into
London Town." This is why you're supposed to
carry your canine chums on escalators. Their
poor, fuzzy brains just can't cope.
http://snurl.com/dogscalator
>> Cat Face 22 <<
Cat Face has been going through all them old
photographs in the loft. Wonchop asks what
could life have been like for the Catfaces of
yesteryear?
http://weebls-stuff.com/catface/Cat+Face+22/
>> Sticks: Copper Kidnap <<
"Here's a follow-up to our lolly sticks
animation Copper Cuppa," say the Brothers
McLeod. Creepily in unison. "This one
features an evil pencil sharpener. Obviously."
http://snurl.com/copperkidnap
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Drugs
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were really wasted.
Luckily some of you are willing to admit to
acting like a massive twat whilst on massive
drugs. Read about them here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/massivedrugs/
* "A friend of mine told me about his return
trip from Helter Skelter. He'd nodded off in
the passenger seat and woke up to the driver
having a bit of a panic: the headlights of a
lorry were looming towards them and the driver
was frantically trying to spin the wheel. The
other two passengers woke up too, and the
driver, after a few further panicked stamps on
the brakes, opened the door and hurled himself
out of the car. It transpired shortly after
this that all four of them had pulled over
into a layby for a nap several hours earlier;
the driver had woken up, seen the approaching
headlights and, in his addled haze, assumed he
was still driving. Where the idea of hurling
himself out of the car came from though, I've
no idea." (luckybluecoat)
* "When I first began driving I borrowed my
mum's car a lot. Enjoying the freedom of the
road I soon stocked up on indie compilation
tapes and sweets and visited friends around
the country. One evening my mum came back from
work and asked to sit down for a serious talk.
She pulled out a small white tablet embossed
with a letter on it and said to me, with tears
in her eyes: "I found this in my car. I want
you to answer me straight. Is this drugs?" I
took it off her, looked at it (I'd obviously
dropped it in the car) and told her the truth
in a calm tone of voice. "No. It's a Smint."
(B3tatimolsky)
* "As a northerner I like to inject ecstasy
straight into my mouth: we call it E by gum."
(djgalaxe - the old jokes are the best jokes)
>> This Week's Question : Regret <<
CactusZack wrote to tell us about dumping a
girlfriend AFTER she got breast implants. It
clearly still haunts him. What inexplicable
decisions have you made?
http://b3ta.com/questions/decisions/
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: SHITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Signs of the fucking apocalypse <<
Are you completely rat-rape insane? Do you
worry that funny shit might happen in front of
you and you'll miss youTube gold? Then record
everything, EVERYTHING that occurs, with a
camera attached to your FACE. (We're wearing
one now so we can edit our toilet time into an
auto-tuned piss symphony.)
http://www.looxcie.com/
>> Blind people on iPhones <<
Found ourselves almost moved by this
description of a blind guy's life being
radically improved by an iPhone app which
speaks out the colours of stuff that you point
it at. BTW: Out of curiosity we nabbed the
same app and it's psychedelic - randomly
intoning strange and poetic colours with a
robot voice. It's like dropping acid with
Stephen Hawking.
http://snurl.com/myeyephone
>> Rap map <<
If you're stuck for a poster to print out to
illustrate your spunky sock-strewn hovel, then
waste your toner and A4 on this exciting GIF
that unlocks the secrets of Rap for the white
man.
http://snurl.com/rapchart
>> Map of European Stereotypes <<
It's obviously map week on the internet, and
this depressingly accurate collection of maps
makes us wish we understood world poLOLitics
better, but we can nod and laugh and pretend
with the best.
http://alphadesigner.com/project-mapping-stereotyp...
>> Boy meets girl with a dark twist <<
Introducing the M Night Shamalamadingdong of
cartoons, here's something to crack one out to
while your torrents of "Granny Fuckfest 9" are
stalling at 99%.
http://www.viruscomix.com/page199.html
>> Crap at my parents' house <<
Those of you who aren't from broken homes
might have parents who still keep their
bedrooms pristine, literal empty nests, and
tombs to their post-menopausal wombs. Take
heed B3tans, this is what's called love:
http://crapatmyparentshouse.com
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOUR CUTEDAR GO PING PING PING
Sandkittens
"These blast points — too accurate for
sandkittens," muttered Obi-Wan Kittenobi. Cute
as buttons though.
http://snurl.com/spangcats
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like one of those Casio video watches from
2002 but with bigger video
>> OK Go - take 70-something <<
Every OK GO video they make is better than the
last one, and every song is less memorable.
How do they do it? How can they put notes
together in such forgettable ways? Still, the
video is interstellar and... did you spot the
goat?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Russian bloke vs airbag <<
We were chatting to Britain's premiere viral
director Ben Wheatley the other day and he
told us his theory of slapstick viral success.
Someone smug should get a comeuppance. If this
wasn't real - we reckon Ben could have made
it. It's the callous laughter that stays with
you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Stsanders Beatles <<
Comedy has a new name and it's Stsanders.
Fucking classic, mate. And we're not types to
use that pseudo-matey cockney chat.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stsanders_Beatles
>> Star Wars - 10 Re-Edits <<
"Ten scenes from the Great Film, re-edited for
laughs. Some hilarious, some not," writes
Cliff Richard's porn stash. To be honest, we
only managed the first gag about clumsy jedis
before contemptuously thinking, "This will
work as filler for the newsletter" and then
going back to main job of the day: googling
those idiots in the 'catch the bus' suicide
pact.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_10_Re_Edits
>> How to crack open a coconut <<
This is the same chappie that chucked a brick
into a washing machine and, by crikey, he's a
bit of a mental. Here he's made some sort of
mad machine to destroy coconuts by inflating
them. It's a real low-stakes thriller, as the
pressure dial slowly creeps into the red zone.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_crack_open_a_coco...
>> DJ Cat <<
Old people on the internet might remember
Keyboard Cat, a youTube vid (remember them?)
from simpler days. This is somewhat
reminiscent.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dj_Cat
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Like rape is funny to a rape victim. We're not
disrespecting rape victims here, we're simply
saying this section isn't funny, using
appropriately strong language.
* INVENTOR OF SEMEN-BASED INVISIBLE INK WAS
CALLED 'CUMMING' - actually forget the crappy
lol factor of the name, it's just a
fascinating story that YOU need to read.
http://snurl.com/inkstain
* MARIJUANA SAWYER - what kind of parent names
a child after the drugs they were on when they
conceived the child? Oh, a high parent of
course. Ever wonder why so many 80s kids are
called Charlie?
http://www.uww.edu/advising/aaec/welcome/staff/saw...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Retro Sci-Fi Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show us the future,
yesterday.
Your favourites included:
* AWWW - worth much clickage simply for the
sublime image of Chewbacca as a pup (Fresh
Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10189914
* SUPPER - that classic Alien scene,
re-imagined as a Da Vinci mural (The Great
Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10190559
* BOOZE - the best beer, ever, has a mixed
audience (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10193037
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scifisequel/
>> New challenge: Parallel Universes <<
Imagine a universe where everything is totally
reversed. Then make a picture or animation of
it. Challenge suggested by The Hedgehog From
Hell.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/parallel/
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: FIRESHARES NEEDED FOR PhD
Go on, help a B3tan out
Commandsheep writes -
"I'm a member of b3ta and would like to summon
the wisdom of the crowd for a piece of
research for my PhD. I have been slacking
through the whole thing so far but now I have
realised that I have to put some effort in,
otherwise they are going to kick me out. My
professor already hates me and my only chance
to win his love back is to present him with
some results. So please b3ta, will you help me
out?
"I am looking for young adults (aged 18-24)
that download music with p2p file-sharing apps
and are willing to be interviewed. I know that
this technology is archaic by now but when I
started the PhD it wasn't. And that should
tell you about how long I have been living
this hell.
"My email for contact is: [email protected]"
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* VEITCH IS ENTERING THE HAM BUSINESS - Joel
writes, "I'm embarking on flogging ham HAM
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM specifically Serrano
ham. The ham project is called HAMAZING and it
is going to be absolutely brilliant! I am
massively buzzing off the fact I am going into
the ham business, mainly because it means
there will be a completely justifiable excuse
for me to always have loads of ham."
* DAN BULL ON SPOTIFY - B3ta's own pet rapper
Dan has stuck his debut album on Spotify. We
listened to it whilst walking in the rain and
particularly enjoyed the track about writing
songs to get stuff out of your head, as a form
of therapy. Speaking as people who've recorded
over 50 tracks this year, most of them too
alarming for public consumption, we're saying
"right on, brother."
http://open.spotify.com/album/0o2u8kElp1WJs3ycLuJs...
* AN OFF BUTTON FOR FACEBOOK PLACES - anniediv
writes, "Is this what you meant?" Erm,
probably. Mostly we were just moaning that
Facebook had foisted more unwelcome shit on
us. If we wanted to be on foursquare we'd be
there. BTW: UK Wired magazine having
foursquare bloke on cover a few months back
with tagline "King of the Internet" made us
laugh so much we had to photograph it for
future lols.
http://bit.ly/cswUVt
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: FRIDAY GAME
Real world break out
Imagine you're trapped in a really dull office
and the only way you can skive is to play
crappy versions of Breakout that look like
Word from the mid-2000s. If this isn't your
life already then this game is a pretty
accurate simulation:
http://snurl.com/realworldbreakout
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* THINK ABOUT XMAS - maybe a pop-up advent
calendar with shitty obscene Internet memes
behind every door like goaste, turbgirl and
that twat who sat on a lightbulb.
* CUM-BREAD - Recently been mildly obsessed
with cum-bread (bread made with cum) after
seeing a reference to it in a biography of 70s
disco star Sylvester. Please make some, do a
"how to make cum-bread video" then see if you
can get find anyone stupid enough to eat it.
BTW: We're so cum-bread obsessed that it's
become a minor catch phrase. Like, "Hey
Cum-bread, how was work?" Or, "What's for
dinner? I hope it's cum-bread."
* AN EIFFEL TOWER MADE OF SAUSAGES - we dunno,
it's getting towards lunchtime and our tummies
are rumbling.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Top people: [email protected]
Shit wanks: [email protected]
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THANK YOU OFF UNTIL YOU POP:
This issue was written by Rob "ert" Manuel
with David Leonardo Stevenson using the power
of Google Docs. We used to use a Wiki but
Jesus Helium Christ, this is easier. Stuff
sent in by drake1, robneymcplum, chestmcgee,
Rodhri, Enzyme, Hellzapoppin, chthonicionic,
glenbo, Dave the Explosive Newt, Paster of
Muppets, waz4444, Christian Heilmann.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. BTW:
Considering Princess Diana lived about 36
years, we'd like to know where Elton gets his
surprisingly durable candles from. Subjlols
via The Great Architect.
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TOP TIP:
"Hi Chaps," simpers ArfurDaley, "for your top
tippery newslettery shenanigans: Shave in the
shower, to save huge amounts of time and
shaving foam. That is all."
